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Sotto,

I am glad that your mum is doing a bit better and hopefully she will be here for a long time. She's tougher than you think and she's not going to go any where until she's good and ready and the man upstairs calls her home. So, with that said, enjoy every minute you can spare to love and be with your mother. In your country, do you have an organization that caters to the elderly? You might want to look into that area of care and see if there is something or someone that can help your dad take care of your mum and give him a break during the day if he needs to run errands.

I am also glad to read that you have a great relationship w/SS. It's nice to know that things are still going strong in the way of friendship w/him. He knows that he can rely on you if he needs anything.

I hope that everything works out between you and the "nice" man that you have re-met. Keep an open mind and just enjoy yourself if you should meet up w/him.

OMG! The nice syndrome. People will take advantage of you time and again and it's okay to say "no". Please do not allow others to abuse your kindness. When you start using the word "no", you'll discover that they will start carrying their load and you'll be able to manage your work load much better and still have energy left over at the end of the day. I know you don't like to say "no", but there comes a time when you have to do it.

Keep up the good work on your GAL activities. Any ideas as to where you will travel to this year?

Take care of yourself and I'm keeping your mum and dad in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2776394 01/23/18 09:35 AM
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So nice for us all to see an update with positive news!

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Thanks for your kind comments Coly, Job and Own it. I don't post that often now as you know and it is always nice to know that people are reading along and posting back :-)

Life is good with me. I had a virus that took a while to shake and that was a bit hard going. You know when you've been ill for a little while and just have to decide - oh well life goes on and drag yourself around! My social life was the thing that suffered, and it was nice to feel better this week and able to do my usual social activities.

Work has been up and down and I am trying to bring about an internal shift relating to th work I have been doing. I feel that others feel I should know things - when I know some things but not others. Lately, I have been telling myself I know a lot more than I did. I don't know everything and it is a steep learning curve. It has helped to look at the self-talk aspect of this.

Mum is generally doing okay and I am grateful for her company and the time we have with her. There has been a change in part of the usual care arrangements and Dad asked if I could help with the extra. I thought about it and my response was - I just can't offer that. I knew it would be too much and I told him that. I feel bad about it, but I do a lot already and I just didn't have that in me. So, I'm just settling myself with that one - as you know I don't find it easy to say no!!!

My friendship with the guy I re-met is growing. I went out to an event this weekend and he was there. We spent some nice time together and he texted me the next day to say thank you and he enjoyed it. And he asked if I wanted to get together for a walk that day, but I couldn't make it. I'm having some friends over next weekend and I have invited him to that. He made a sort of general response - generally positive - and I'm really not sure if he was saying yes, no or maybe?! I guess time will tell.

I like that he initiates and genuinely seems to want to see more of me. Also, I feel I'm not really looking for a life partner - someone to marry, co-join finances, cohabit - at least not in the short to medium term. So, I feel quite relaxed about things really, and it nice to feel that interest from someone. I don't know that much about his story - though I know he is D'd and split up with a GF last year. So, I guess there are some things to learn there.

It's school holidays here next week, and I'm taking SS and a friend out to lunch, which should be nice. Me and my holiday chums have also been making some nice plans for our Autumn trip. One of the guys wants to make us some nice local dishes and we are thinking of getting along to a local dance class too....

Love and best wishes to you all xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Well, I'm not sure if anything with re-met guy will develop - though he seems interested, initiates quite a bit and is responsive. He told me that he has been offered a role abroad which he may accept. He is also married - albeit long time (6+ years) separated. And that is something I struggle with too - dating a married man. Could I overcome that? He has also been twice married. Hmm. Again, I struggle a little with that.

So, food for thought - and some red flags too. Though in many ways, he is attractive and attentive and bright. All good things. Maybe something light? I don't know. We'll see how things unfold, but definitely feeling somewhat cautious...

Funny, he raised getting older and that it would be nice to grow older with someone and have someone to look after you. But I don't think it's a great plan to try and meet someone at 54, so that you'll have a carer at 80!? And what if you end up being the carer?

Also, I do enjoy being single just now too grin


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Quote:
long time (6+ years) separated


I'd be wondering why he's not divorced after all this time. Is he holding out hope for a reconciliation? Is it just a practical matter to keep one of them on insurance or something? Does he use that as an excuse not to marry his new girlfriends?

I'm kind of with you - I'm not looking to marry or cohabit or share finances right now - maybe I am becoming the Love Avoidant type myself! But given that, isn't this guy perfect for a friendly fling then, if he's going to end up leaving? You could enjoy him for a little bit knowing he's going to be gone.

(I find for me, at this stage in my life, I'm just a lot more casual about what relationships have to look like. Right now I'm seeing - occasionally, about once a month - a guy I dated before my last boyfriend. He's a guy who told me right off the bat he doesn't "do" relationships - that's why I moved on pretty quickly to the last boyfriend. But we stayed friends, and right now, the ability to know that if I need it, I can drive up to his place an hour and a half away and have a very pleasant day of company, conversation and cuddling with a smart funny sexy guy - then get back to my hectic life with no expectations is very comforting. )

kml #2779425 02/21/18 06:14 PM
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Hey Sotto, I hope you are not talking about my H, LOL. Twice married and almost 6 years separated… hahaha… I know that I would never consider any serious relationship with a guy who is still married, no matter what he would tell me about why he is not D’ed yet. I always wonder what my H tells the women he meets about our situation… I’m guessing there are not too many who would look at it lightly… And I’m still curios what holds him up from officially divorcing me, so he could find his “true love” out there.

Be careful… Something light might work… But, I think you deserve much better than that! You can meet someone who could be there with you for the rest of your life at any age. When you are ready… I hope it will happen for you, and I hope it will happen for me too…

Take care, and always thank you for your thoughtful post on my thread!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Hi ladies, thanks so much for your perspective, which I really appreciate. KML, I felt that your post helped me feel permission to carry on with something I did want to pursue.

Bright, hopefully this isn't your H - unless he moved to the UK??

Well, this has been an interesting experience for me. I decided I would gently dip a toe in and get to know this guy a little better. We went out a few times together in a group and I invited him over to mine with some friends a couple of weeks ago. We had a nice evening.

We also met for a drink and chatted for a few hours and had a hug and a quick peck on the lips at the end of that date. Following that, I heard on the grapevine that there was another (very nice) woman in our wider circle of friends who perceived he and she had a relationship that might be more than friends. Obviously a huge red flag for me.

I'm not really pleased about the outcome, but I am happy with myself, what I did and how I went about things. I contacted him and told him that I'd received this feedback and asked him about the circumstances. He said some stuff about they were friends and he had helped her move a piece of furniture. He had thought she might have an interest in him. They were in text contact. He had no romantic interest in her.

I said to him, it isn't okay for me that I'm being warned to be cautious about you after we have been out one time. He told me he felt a bit frustrated about friends who gossip and add stuff together into something that isn't.

I told him that for me it is important to be as honest and authentic as I can be and let people know where I feel we are at. I told him that I had enjoyed getting to know him a little and that I wouldn't want to take things further, given the feedback I had received. He said that nothing had changed for him and that he was enjoying getting to know me. He feels this lady may have misinterpreted his friendliness.

We finished the conversation and I thought about things. For me, I realise it is a complete non-starter to be pursuing any kind of romantic interest when that uncertainty surrounds it. That doesn't work for me at all. It's a non-negotiable. I told him that. I also let him know what I would need (and if I were giving the benefit of the doubt) - he would need to clarify to this friend that he and I have been seeing each other a little, that we are getting to know each other and there is a romantic interest there.

I told him that it is up him what he does, but if he chooses not to clarify, dating someone for me in those circumstances wouldn't work for me. I don't yet know what he will do with that - and really, I'm quite happy to walk away - and perhaps walking away would be best?

The good parts? I was briefly upset. Then I realised I would need to raise this either way. I raised it and we had a constructive conversation about it. I listened and I told him what would and wouldn't work for me. I also said that I may be hypersensitive about this area, and if so I own that.

So, within half an hour I had opened up the debate, been willing to have the conversation and also realise that I am quite willing to walk away. And also that my handling of things and how I feel about myself and my boundaries are the important things here. What he chooses to do or not do with all of that is up to him. I am quite willing to go back to being in friend zone within a wider circle of friends, having protected my heart, if that's how things unfold. And I feel calm and happy about my part and my response.

So, we'll see and I'll update. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Quick update - actually my concerns were really well received. re-met guy came back to me and said he completely understood how I must hearing that.

He had already mentioned to one friend that he likes me and we have started seeing eachother. He subsequently mentioned it to the other. He told me that he hoped we would still have the opportunity of getting to know each other, even if I want to do so cautiously, and assured me that he is a well-intentioned guy.

So, we'll see and I am cautious. Still making plenty of time to see friends and do other things.
Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sounds good sotto!! Sounds like you handled the situation really really well. I was happy reading this update from you. All the best!!

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Hi Sotto, I've been reading along and as usual you always seem to handle things with such class and style. I think the moderators should put your posts on the reading / homework list.

You give great advice but also accept advice which we should all learn from.

On this latest chapter in your life , I'm going to give my pennies worth as an 'experianced' dater. This guy may be very genuine or he may not. I would give him a chance but have your critia and do not waiver. While I know how strong you are and able to see things for what they are , emotions can come in to play and the lines get blurred, all well and good down the line when you get to know the ' real ' him.

In my own experiance it took a good while to know someone. Things can appear very rosy for a few months but then cracks can show and it's this i would caution you about. You are the prize here and the man you choose is going to be a very lucky man so he should be very appreciative of that.




Enjoy this chapter and keep us up to date on the latest gossip.

Take care , Rd

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