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mxdup - I am sorry you're feeling this way. I know this journey is hard. Heck, everyone here knows that. I am going to ask you some questions from your last post and probably some 2x4s. I am doing that because I feel like you are stuck emotionally and mentally, and I want to see how you can get yourself out of it.

Quote:
All of you guys are right that I have given up. I am simply tired of this whole DB/GAL charade.


I know DB is tiring and counterintuitive and takes a lot out of the LBS, but if it's feeling like a charade to you then I have to question if you are fully embracing what DB is about and what it offers.

Quote:
Over the past months I've met new people, tried new things, dressed differently, worked out, etc.


Okay! That's great. But, did you do this for YOU or did you do it so that W would notice what you were doing?

Quote:
The W could care less and none of this is making me happy


Your focus is on your W noticing and caring about it. Meaning you've attached expectations about GAL and DB that are focused on her not you. That is just not going to help you because you're doing it for her.

Quote:
In fact all of it is driving me insane trying to be someone I'm not.


Why are you trying to be someone you're not? The point is to find what your contributions were that led to the failure of the MR and improve on those. Again, not for her but YOU. Everything that you should be doing is to make that person in the mirror happier and better - which doesn't include anything to do with W or staying married etc.

Quote:
The truth is that I'm significantly more miserable today than I was 6 months ago.


Why? Is it because you were expecting things to turn around in 6 months? Were your expectations about yourself or W?

Quote:
I didn't just want the therapist to teach me how to get her back, I wanted him to teach me how to live without her. All he could seem to do was try to convince me that she was a POS, to divorce her and find a better replacement.


Did you explain to your therapist about what DB is and what you were trying to do? The best a therapist can do is give you tools to think about how to be a happier person and work on personal goals that are important to you. With my IC, I explained to her what my goals were and how I wanted to be more assertive, manage conflict, be confident etc and we worked on strategies to do that. But, then you have to go do it and through that process you learn how you can live by yourself and be actually happy. The therapist isn't going to give you some magic pill.

Quote:
I realize that she's not coming back. I also know that I will not replace her either.


You don't know that on both counts. That's your grief speaking. Even if you're right, you can still live a fulfilling happy life that doesn't require validation from another person that you are a valuable and lovable human being. That has to come from within.

Quote:
The answer for some may be hanging out in bars becoming a pickup artist, but that is not for me.


I don't think anyone here would advise you that you should go pick up and have flings right now. Maybe the odd perspective, but definitely in the minority.

Quote:
I'm just plain done, I have no fight left in me.


It's good to be done. Perfect place. Be done with trying to fix the MR and have expectations and do things for W. Be done with that. Now start with YOU. Do things for YOU. Find contentment for YOU.

Quote:
I just want to smile, laugh and enjoy life again.


So go do it! What makes you happy? What brings you joy? What makes you feel confident? What makes you feel like you're a valuable human being? Go do it and don't worry about divorce and all of that. W is gone and now it's just you. Let's find out who the happy, confident, secure, and amazing mxdup is. That's precisely what DB is about. Go be that person and only hold yourself to expectations about what you want that person to be. Personally, I want to one day look at me in the mirror and be happy to see that person. As soon as I see that consistently over time, I will then decide what my next chapter in life is going to look like.

Go get yourself!


No one is coming to save you!

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mxdup Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Maika
mxdup - I am sorry you're feeling this way. I know this journey is hard. Heck, everyone here knows that. I am going to ask you some questions from your last post and probably some 2x4s. I am doing that because I feel like you are stuck emotionally and mentally, and I want to see how you can get yourself out of it.

Quote:
All of you guys are right that I have given up. I am simply tired of this whole DB/GAL charade.


I know DB is tiring and counterintuitive and takes a lot out of the LBS, but if it's feeling like a charade to you then I have to question if you are fully embracing what DB is about and what it offers.

Quote:
Over the past months I've met new people, tried new things, dressed differently, worked out, etc.


Okay! That's great. But, did you do this for YOU or did you do it so that W would notice what you were doing? I certainly didn't do it for me. I did it because the book, forum and because that's what all the youtube videos say to do. Yes I secretly hoped she would notice.

Quote:
The W could care less and none of this is making me happy


Your focus is on your W noticing and caring about it. Meaning you've attached expectations about GAL and DB that are focused on her not you. That is just not going to help you because you're doing it for her.

Quote:
In fact all of it is driving me insane trying to be someone I'm not.


Why are you trying to be someone you're not? The point is to find what your contributions were that led to the failure of the MR and improve on those. Again, not for her but YOU. Everything that you should be doing is to make that person in the mirror happier and better - which doesn't include anything to do with W or staying married etc. The someone that I am is what put me in this situation. My best friend has said that I haven't changed in 25 years. I figured being someone I'm not must be who she wants. I honestly don't know how to make the person in the mirror happy anymore. I thought I was happy years ago when I was single, then being in a relationship with her showed me how unhappy I really had been. That realization is what caused me to propose.

Quote:
The truth is that I'm significantly more miserable today than I was 6 months ago.


Why? Is it because you were expecting things to turn around in 6 months? Were your expectations about yourself or W? No I wasn't expecting things to turn around with her in 6 months but I was expecting to feel better about her not wanting to be in my life.

Quote:
I didn't just want the therapist to teach me how to get her back, I wanted him to teach me how to live without her. All he could seem to do was try to convince me that she was a POS, to divorce her and find a better replacement.


Did you explain to your therapist about what DB is and what you were trying to do? The best a therapist can do is give you tools to think about how to be a happier person and work on personal goals that are important to you. With my IC, I explained to her what my goals were and how I wanted to be more assertive, manage conflict, be confident etc and we worked on strategies to do that. But, then you have to go do it and through that process you learn how you can live by yourself and be actually happy. The therapist isn't going to give you some magic pill. I explained all of that to the therapist and he just told me that I should give up on her because she has a mental disorder and unless she is willing to work on herself, I'm better off without her. Then he explains that he was married to someone just like her and how he's so much happy 25 years later and still single. That speech alone made me want to stop seeing him. If you met him you would immediately know that he's a crotchety old man who is far from happy.

Quote:
I realize that she's not coming back. I also know that I will not replace her either.


You don't know that on both counts. That's your grief speaking. Even if you're right, you can still live a fulfilling happy life that doesn't require validation from another person that you are a valuable and lovable human being. That has to come from within. Perhaps it is my grief speaking but her ultimatum the other day just confirms what I already knew, she's done. The 2nd half is due to the morals I was raised by. You don't cheat on your wife even if the court says you're divorced.

Quote:
The answer for some may be hanging out in bars becoming a pickup artist, but that is not for me.


I don't think anyone here would advise you that you should go pick up and have flings right now. Maybe the odd perspective, but definitely in the minority. Perhaps not here but my friends are all convinced that I just need to score with someone else. The rest of the internet pretty much sides with them as well.

Quote:
I'm just plain done, I have no fight left in me.


It's good to be done. Perfect place. Be done with trying to fix the MR and have expectations and do things for W. Be done with that. Now start with YOU. Do things for YOU. Find contentment for YOU.

Quote:
I just want to smile, laugh and enjoy life again.


So go do it! What makes you happy? What brings you joy? What makes you feel confident? What makes you feel like you're a valuable human being? Go do it and don't worry about divorce and all of that. W is gone and now it's just you. Let's find out who the happy, confident, secure, and amazing mxdup is. That's precisely what DB is about. Go be that person and only hold yourself to expectations about what you want that person to be. Personally, I want to one day look at me in the mirror and be happy to see that person. As soon as I see that consistently over time, I will then decide what my next chapter in life is going to look like. This is what I just can't seem to implement and what I really wanted the therapist's help with. I have no idea what makes me happy anymore. All I do know is what doesn't make me happy and I'm through with all of that.

Go get yourself!


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Another really rough day where I'm so sick of this new life of grieving for the old one. I just keep going through the motions and hoping it gets better. The W has not contacted me since Thanksgiving. My heart breaks further every day when I walk through the house and see so much of her in every room. A very small part of me wants her to just come pick up her stuff so I don't have to look at it anymore.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Mx,

Pack it all up, if it hurts that bad. Go to Walmart or Home Depot get some boxes and pack all of it up. Put it in a closet or garage. You have to heal by any means possible.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Update:
In early January we reconnected and even talked about her moving back in. After a few weeks she felt too much pressure so now she doesn't want to see me at all. She has recently offered to come back to the house to pick up her remaining items and I told her that she can do whatever she likes, she will anyhow. She doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset. When I explained that I will never be able to retire after paying the lawyers and that I will never have a mate because I don't believe in divorce, she says that I'm being silly. Then she offered to help me find a new girl because I'm such a great guy. That was the last straw. So I'll be broke, alone and miserable. So what


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Mxdup, I'm sorry you're going through a really rough patch.

Let her get the rest of her things. It'll help you to not have to look at them.

Things may seem gloomy now, but life on the other side may be better than you think. There's so much out there in the world to do, see, and experience.

Hang in there.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
Update:
In early January we reconnected and even talked about her moving back in. After a few weeks she felt too much pressure so now she doesn't want to see me at all. She has recently offered to come back to the house to pick up her remaining items and I told her that she can do whatever she likes, she will anyhow. She doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset. When I explained that I will never be able to retire after paying the lawyers and that I will never have a mate because I don't believe in divorce, she says that I'm being silly. Then she offered to help me find a new girl because I'm such a great guy. That was the last straw. So I'll be broke, alone and miserable. So what


You are focusing on the wrong things. We all get to low points through this, I get it. But you need to be 180ing. You need to not react so strongly to what she says and does. The "I'll help you get a new girl" thing is her guilt talking. I would advise the LRT. Go dark. Don't engage her. Ignore her texts and VMs. Don't answer her calls. If she shows up where you live, be kind, attentive, and validating, but aloof and detached.

It is hard work, but it will payoff in 1 of 2 ways: getting her to see she is losing you and wanting to come back, or helping you move on healthily.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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