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You sound well, Blu... As a WW, during the early days of piecing, I carried heavy guilt... My H didn't put it on me... He was kind to me... But I felt awful and sorry and even undeserving... I walked on eggshells and was hypersensitive to anything that came up regarding infidelity... Whether in a movie or song... We both like The Eagles music... In the past whenever Lying Eyes came on, we could sing along... But when we first started piecing, I could not listen to it in front of him...

Eventually, I had to get past carrying around the burden of guilt... We worked through that in MC... He didn't want me to go through the rest of our lives together beating up myself... As time goes on, almost 3 years since reconciliation, the crime is further and further away... But it is not belittled with time, just not as near... And so I am lighter...

And I can finally look ahead... We could not do that for a while... We could only see the past and the present... But now, yes, we look ahead authentically... Not just in words... I hope this makes sense...

--adelante

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Blu

Glad you are still here.

The G and the BIT both read my threads. I had to cease posting during the trial period. I accept this is a public forum and they have that right, as such I have no expectation of privacy here. I have truly been authentic, no sugar coating, my dark times are documented as well as my journey. Therefore I have no fear that what I wrote at the time I wrote it were my thoughts and my feelings at that time, at that point. In Real Time that's how I believed and felt, as you read the threads then I hope there is evident growth and personal development expressed. My views changed developed and grew. Thank goodness! And they will again no doubt. Because DB is about me and those I truly love and who love me. Just as DB is about you, what you say think write and journal here is you as you are now. That is almost 100% you today but maybe not tomorrow and most surely not about yesterday.

Firstly I didn't post for a while because I didnt want to spoil any tactics of my L in what is a high conflict D. And secondly because I was quite confused on things.

It is my personal philosophy to (as far as I can) be authentically V. I sense that's you as you discuss your sitch quite openly. If you have an agreement with H he shouldn't be reading this then of course him doing so is a breach of your trust. It's a boundary that needs resetting, although I understand why he has. Insecurity drives him. He loves you and seems truly sorry. Probably feeling insecure too. I get it and living with uncertainty often drives people to do things that seek security. It's a basic need, often we would rather D than be uncertain. They say there are 6 basic human needs which drive behaviour and we all operate through one or more of them. Tony Robbins uses the need driven behaviour dynamic based on Maslow. I digress.

I had to read your threads again, because (I apologise) I thought you were already a WAW. Juju corrected me on it and I thank her. My mistake. So I am glad I haven't put my foot more in my mouth than I already have.

My next post on your thread (not this post) will be intended for your H.

It is always my contention that the LBS is the one who decides the M is over. Always that they are done with that M.

You may be headed for M v3 with your H.

Indeed I think you feel insecure too, and that leads to lack of attraction. New Blu needs a different sort of M and R.

It is appropriate to know you are attracted to other men, your H in his WH phase maybe hasn't atoned to you in a way that you need him too. In 12 steps we see this over and over lack of appropriate atonement. One of the steps in growth and healing is to atone, not just reset or apologise. Atonement isn't punishment, those who atone do so willingly because it moves them forward and may help to make good. The deed is done, it can never be undone but it can be atoned.

Atoning must be done in the way that the other wants it, not in the way we wish to atone. And if they don't want atonement from us then we still atone in a way that fits that.

Let me now talk about forgiveness. My stance on it fits with Jeane Safer that is somethings are unforgiveable and forgiveness is a choice. You do not have to forgive. Further forgiveness can never be given to those who don't seek it AND atone. And even if they do, then atonement must be in a way that is for you the one on the receiving end of the atonement. I don't think you need to accept another atoning to let go of resentment. Nor do you have to forgive unless forgiveness is sought. I believe that it isn't my job to judge or to forgive, these matters are between the G and his higher power, it's his soul in jeopardy not mine. And lack of forgiveness doesn't mean you can't go forward with R either, but I think lack of appropriate atoning is poison.

Let me now say what I think on love and trust, you can do either or both. I have those I trust but do not love. I have those I love but do not trust. Both are a choice. You can trust in one area but not another. It isn't an absolute, you may trust the other with a child and to parent, but not with fins. You may trust them to care for you but not to cheat. These are your feelings and you can have them and I believe you have the right to those feelings. Irrespective of whether the other is worthy of trust or not. This is about you. Once another crosses a boundary, cheating say, you may never entirely trust in that area again. It's ok.

Let's talk about earning trust. Fundamentally another can't work to earn your trust, this is intolerable to me. It's an egg shell burden, and can be punishment, in many cases passive aggressive. So saying 'I can never earn your trust back' deserves a response of 'my trust is my business' and the need to be earning trust implies power and control both ways. The G once said I must trust him! The answer is none of your business.......

Instead it is atonement, once the atoning is done in the right way then that's enough, more is punishing. And both can let go of the need to more.

As to attraction for your H once a WH that need not be fixed, you can be attracted to this and not to that. From where I sit you are both growing and that's excellent. Honesty will clean open sores.

Those are my thoughts Blu.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Mr Blu

Infidelity is a breach of trust. Trust is something that is given by choice by Blu. It isn't yours to earn.

If you have agreed to respect Blu privacy here then that too is a breach of trust. So renegotiate.

This is a no brainerbrainer isn't it? breaching trust in a new and different area is causing more doubt. Anger is a clear indication a fundamental barrier is breached.

If you wish to heal and repair and build a new M, then realise breaches of trust are creating serious issues.

When we breach another's boundaries, we have no rights over their anger. And trying to control their ability to be angry and disgusted with our breach is yet another breach!

They have the right to be angry at such breaches. Of course we are also angry or hurt from what we learn. It triggers insecurity too which creates behaviour and further damage.

They have the right to not trust in an area where you have breached trust. They have the right to not forgive you ever in that area. That's their right. It can not be controlled.

All you have is control over yourself, it's a big job. There is you, Blu and your M. It is Blu turn to heal.

Relax, stop! Grow and have help with the need to control and discuss ways to atone to yourself, Blu and your M.

I suspect you know this already and I trust are atoning in ways that Blu needs you to atone for her, in ways you need to atone for you.

If you agree not to read here, then don't do it, it is yet another breach of trust.

Just saying

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi everyone,

I saw SH here and that inspired me to post. I don't read here and post often anymore. I will try and keep some consistency in my updates. Things are going well for me, my M, and for my family. I feel very grateful for where I am at.

For the first time in a long while, life just feels normal. My M is different now, and in most ways better than it has been in years. There is only so much working on things and processing one can do. I think it got to a point where it was keeping me held back and the painful reminders outweighed whatever positive relationship we were building, which wasn't much.

I don't worry about him reading here. He said he wouln't and I believe him. I trust him. It was ultimately a choice. The trust I mean. And if he chooses to break that, then that will be his choice. We are all free to make choices out of our own free will.

I have "worked" on this forgiveness and trust for so long (and yes they are related for me) -- read the books, the therapy, the M programs, the soul searching, etc -- but at the end of the day it is a choice. He is also showing me a person now that I like and want to be with. We fell into this unhealthy dynamic of me being the victim and him the perpetrator, and it wasn't healthy.

Perhaps him losing me was what motivated his change? Things are just different now. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is more confident and assertive. He is attentive, affectionate, and he is open with his thoughts and feelings. This is now coming from a place of strength and not fear. I like this change. Instead of drowning in guilt, he is fighting for what he wants.

So I am looking forward now. We enjoy each others company, we have fun, we laugh, and we are closer. We are planning several new things and trips this year, so there is much to look forward to. The more we move forward, the more he sees how delusional he was before. He can't even identify with the person he was that caused such destruction.

My Ds are doing well too. My oldest is working and has now enrolled herself in college. This was a kid I almost lost entirely, when everything in my world was crumbling around us. My younger girls are doing great too. Our family is thriving again. So life is positive and I won't take that for granted.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu it is lovely to hear from you.

And would love to know your lessons learned.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: BluWave


Perhaps him losing me was what motivated his change? Things are just different now. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He is more confident and assertive. He is attentive, affectionate, and he is open with his thoughts and feelings. This is now coming from a place of strength and not fear. I like this change. Instead of drowning in guilt, he is fighting for what he wants.

So I am looking forward now. We enjoy each others company, we have fun, we laugh, and we are closer. We are planning several new things and trips this year, so there is much to look forward to. The more we move forward, the more he sees how delusional he was before. He can't even identify with the person he was that caused such destruction.


as a former WW, it took me a while to get to this stage, but it was necessary... i had to come to realize that it was quite right to reach this stage... otherwise, you get to a place where you are exhibiting false self-deprecation... false humility... the bible likens it to those who would throw dust and dirt on themselves to make themselves look sickly or weak to show how much they had sacrificed through fasting--to look more religious...

i learned that i must receive the grace that had been shown me... i needed to stop rejecting it as though i were unworthy, because--truth be told--i was unworthy... but that is what grace is about... making a way for those who cannot do it on their own... extending a hand to those who are unworthy--hence making them worthy...

--artista

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Originally Posted By: BluWave
Things are going well for me, my M, and for my family. I feel very grateful for where I am at.


The power and peace that gratitude provides!
Revel in that my dear friend.
It is a glorious thing.



Originally Posted By: BluWave
Ds are doing well too. My oldest is working and has now enrolled herself in college. This was a kid I almost lost entirely, when everything in my world was crumbling around us. My younger girls are doing great too. Our family is thriving again. So life is positive and I won't take that for granted.

Blu


I smile at this...
This is the message I pray more of us can share as we reach the other side of the initial nightmare.

The fear that was struck in my heart at so much moaning and predicting the demise of children from broken MR in my early days here were the ropes that struck fear and would paralyze me at times...
and in my travels I see so many blame the behavior of children on the demise of the MR...when in fact it is normal child like behavior even in families with sound MR...

I am grateful every day to those that encouraged and nudged me to keep focused on my children, and not let statists determine an outcome before taking actions to be the best parent I could be.

In doing so, it pulled me out of my own loathing and pitiful state for a greater purpose...healing commenced at an accelerated rate much in part of this.

And I'll be damned, by daughters have actually thrived and grown in ways that I know will benefit for their future journeys.

Keep on, keeping on my Blu. Your courage, growth and relentless drive is contagious to your family and all those that have the pleasure of being in your circle of influence.

I tip my hat to you
I praise you with the gratitude of my heart for being an influence to me as our paths crossed.
And I know in my heart that you have created a successful chapter in your story.
I look forward to the upcoming chapters that you may share with us.

You embody the very spirit of this message.

"Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts." ~Winston S. Churchill

(((Blu)))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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V, as always, thank you for stopping by.

artista, thank you for your posts. I feel as if each time I read them, I gain another bit of wisdom.

SH, my old friend and cheerleader. I so appreciate your positivity.


I have a very sad update, I am afraid. I am just going to journal a bit. My oldest D's father was recently found dead. She is 19 and had not heard from him in several years. This has brought up so many difficult and confusing feelings. He was a BF from HS and we were very on-again/off-again for many years. I dropped out of college, had her at age 20, and then left him soon after. These were difficult times. As he entered adulthood it became clear he was quite mentally ill. Or course this meant his relationship with our D was strained. About 7-8 years ago he had a psychotic episode and we didn't hear from him again. His family stayed away too.

I thought one day he would come back around, and maybe he could know her as an adult, and perhaps they could have a relationship. That will never happen. He also doesn't know that she herself has had similar struggles and that I was afraid I was losing her much in the same way. Things got especially difficult with her in her mid-teen years, and this was right after my father had passed and my H had left me for OW. I had to send her to wilderness and a therapeutic boarding school for 1.5 years. My beautiful, precious girl. She was only 2.5 years when I met my H, so she was again abandoned by another father. She has been through so much, and sometimes I can't even wrap my head around it...

She is now at home, working a job that she loves, going to college (she enrolled herself), and she is doing so well. And then this bomb was dropped on her. Her father will not be coming back. She holds her head up high and she keeps moving forward. She just amazes me. She is also the best older sister her 2 younger sisters could imagine. And she loves and appreciates her step-dad and how he has raised her, and even after all he put us through, she knows how to forgive.

So here I am thinking about her dad. I can't tell you the h3ll he put our family through for so many years. The custody battles, the missing weekends, the stories this little girl would tell after their weekends, and then he abandoned her and never came back. I thought I hated him. I thought I could never forgive him.

After the call last week everything changed. I have only love and sadness for him. That he suffered from this terrible mental illness. That he had to live knowing he left his daughter. And mostly that he didn't know this beautiful young woman. And I feel grateful for him in another way, because without him, I wouldn't have her.

So there it is. Things will always change. I feel like I still have so much to learn about love, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Life can feel unbearable, but it isn't. I truly believe as we overcome so much adversity, we become these more resilient, strong, interesting, and empathetic people. My girl is living, breathing proof of that.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: doodler

But wait! How do we know that Blu's husband didn't hack into her account and write that post?


Because he would not want to clean the house, as she wrote.



Good one, Cadet.


laugh


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Blu

I just stopped by to post the other day and then found your thread.

More to say later, as it's very late here. But I am thinking of you, sending you prayers and good thoughts and strength. And peace to you and especially to your oldest D. May God help her know her worth.

You have deep wells of resilience, my friend. So does your daughter.


I hope we meet someday in RL. Meanwhile, I'll post more later.

Oh, I'm divorced, btw. It's on my thread. (And I'm still standing).

(((( BLU ))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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