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mom4 #2777838 02/05/18 08:33 AM
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Oh....he also bought a motorcycle 😊

mom4 #2777840 02/05/18 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted By: mom4
Every time I do my husband wants to have sex. It’s like he is trying to make sure I’m still available.

Exactly! He wants to that you are still plan B if it doesn't work out with the OW. Are you ok being plan B? If not, stop having sex with him and make it clear that you are nobody's plan B.

mom4 #2777841 02/05/18 09:50 AM
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Mom4,
Read your stitch sorry what your going through I know is hard to GAL with 3 kids myself I have a d9,s9 and s8 who turning 9 soon too. I usually GAL with friend's who have kids too. All I can say stop having sex with H your not his stepping mat whenever he wants I remember W she did that like 2 weeks before leaving we made love and next day was like nothing I thought we where back to normal she said am still leaving I was shock and after almost 10yrs I felt dirty disgusted used words couldn't even describe it. So you must stand your grounds. Remember your kids are watching you want to teach your boys to be better men's and your d to be treated right as a princess. We are here mom4 listening and protect your finances your credit this will not be his first big toy they shop like money grows in the tree.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
marina7 #2777845 02/05/18 10:40 AM
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The thing is, I believe the PA may be over. I’m sure there is a strong EA on his part. The AP was looking for a new job a few months ago. I know he was taken back about that (his best friend told me). He isn’t planning on leaving us, however I don’t want things to stay like this.

mom4 #2777847 02/05/18 11:10 AM
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Mom4,
They all do this, W did the same thing told friends I needed time but little to find out W was preparing Apartment, taking all money in bank there was no remorse if money is tight they wait for them to be good they don't care about us or kids is about them. Just be careful you deserve better and I think you know this. And please don't believe anything they say and I mean anything if you read everyone in here post we all been through this literally they all the same no difference. Take care of you and babies they will need you. Trust me


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
mom4 #2777872 02/05/18 05:40 PM
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Hey mom4,I’m sorry for your sitch. I can give you a couple of things from a male perspective. One is that he seems to be a good provider. Do not, I repeat do not underestimate the power of acknowledging that. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. By sincerely recognizing this you have the ability to give him courage to go and conquer a small army. As men, we need this, especially from our wives. It makes us fearless. And I think it also explains the motorcyle, and other stuff as well, too. It seems to me, he wants to be a good father. It’s in his DNA, so make it his strength.

In addition, as it seems there is some financial pressures. It seems your helping with this. Keep it up. As men we sometimes feel like failures when we don’t do enough for our families,and it’s hard on our ego.

The other thing I would think about is again what can you change about YOU?
What is his dynamic with the kids? Do you do family things together?

Also, I would suggest you read the marriage map! I wish someone would have showed me this 10years ago. Could have save me a lot of of pain.

Be encouraged, don’t give up on your H. At some point he will catch a clue.

MJDG #2777886 02/06/18 12:43 AM
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Thank you so much MJDG. I (think) I always told my husband what a good provider he was but I failed to lessen his plate with the addition of more children. I also did not contribute financially for so long. I was taking care of the children so I couldn’t work but I could have paid more attention to his other requests. HE ALWAYS felt like he wasn’t a good provider. This is the cross he put on himself, but I failed in other areas. And he is a great father. We do things are a family, there is just no affection between my husband and I. I’m still so broken hearted over this.

mom4 #2777891 02/06/18 01:57 AM
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Mom4, hello and welcome! Your sitch has been going on for quite a while. Have you read DR? The chapter on cheeseless tunnels? I think you're setting up your lawn chair in front of a cheeseless tunnel waiting for something to change when it never will. Here's the thing about BD that most of us just struggle with understanding early on- it changes everything. Once BD happens your situation doesn't become a simple matter of "fixing" your spouse's complaints and expecting things to go back to normal. It's more like a switch flips in the spouse, and once that switch flips, they are no longer who they were. Your H isn't that loving, faithful man he once was. He's a lying cheater now. And lying cheaters just simply love engaging in cake-eating. You get relegated to housekeeper (and temporary tool for sex when he feels like it), and meanwhile he is pursuing his affair/ affairs waiting for "something better to come along".

All the brilliant housekeeping in the world isn't going to bring him back. What might? Well he has to feel like he may lose you, and when he thinks that and looks back, he needs to see a sexy, attractive W that he would be a fool to leave. If you need to lose some weight (who doesn't after 4 kids!) then lose it. Dress nice. Get a life outside the house when you can. Go out with friends and make HIM watch the kids. Don't tell him where you're going or who with, just tell him you need some "you" time and then leave the house looking like a million bucks. Quit pursuing him. Quit allowing him to use you just when it's convenient to him. Quit killing yourself trying to please him (he is un-please-able right now).

Right now he has all the control, but you can change that!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
mom4 #2777892 02/06/18 02:02 AM
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Before my ex left me he was pressuring me to go back to work full time. He was telling me he would find me more attractive if i was more ambitious (i have a doctorate). I was working part time because my son was young and had special issues.

This was all being set up because he knew that once he left me had i been working more he would have had to pay me less in child support and alimony.

I think your husband is gone. Hes waiting for it to be more convenient for him to divorce. (Youngest is 4, hes waiting for her to be in school) And trying to play games with you to put himself in as much of an advantage as possible. He is gaslighting. Anybody would know that with 4 kids housework gets put in the back burner.

Be smart. Talk to a lawyer.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2777921 02/06/18 05:15 AM
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What a wide range of advice. I am no less confused than I was before.

I don’t think husband is gone. He is still providing and isn’t in the angry spewing place. He most certainly flipped a switch. He became someone the exact opposite of who he was. He used to pride himself on his honesty. Over the past two years I have seen him lie without batting on eye.

DR book says to ask for what you want but MLC advice is no R talk (which I know is the way to go with H). The jobs that I currently have are all off the books. I am working on knocking down my own cc debit. I should be paid off in another two-three months. Then I will start saving and fixing things in our house (window and carpet replacement). I don’t think not sharing the money is the right direction since my H has paid all our bills for years. I want to move in a more unified direction.

I am going out tonight and letting him take care of kids. He came to bed last night ( most likely bc I’m going out tonight and he wants to keep one foot in the door). Our anniversary is on the 16th. I do t even know what to think anymore,

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