I've been married for 6 years, we have 5 kids together 4 from previous marriage and 1 together. Our marriage started on rocky ground we were long distance for 2 years and then everyone moved in together, lots of conflicts, step son, mother in law, pregnancy. We have always had our up and downs and from my view point we had more ups, however that's not how she sees this. My wife is very stubborn and head strong the type of person that doesn't like to apologize, whenever we had conflict I was always the one that made the effort to smooth things over.
Up until a year ago I never had any trust issues with her, I always thought that she was a person of integrity and loyal to her family, then I started noticing that she would take long on certain errands and wouldn't return my calls right away. At first I thought it was just my imagination but things didn't add up, like when my step son said that his mom didn't want him to go with her on an errand. So this continued until one day I got really suspicious and decided to place my cell phone in her car without her knowing and tracked it to see where she was going. Sure enough she went to a male co workers house, I confronted her, she lied to me at first that she was even there then she started with the excuses on why she was there which didn't make sense, she says she was dropping off papers, (why not just tell me that, why lie). I confronted him and he says he asked her to drop off a cell phone.
I made an effort to forgive this incident since she assured me that nothing happen that she knew it looked bad but it was innocent that she would never cheat and that she swore on her kids that that's the truth. This is where Sandis description really hit the nail on the head for me in describing a WW. I figured if I was caught in the same manner I would want my wife to forgive me so I decided to do the same live and let live lets move on and work on our relationship that obviously needs work since we feel the need to lie to each other.
Fast forward 6 months and I start to get the same feeling again, but this time I decide to set a trap I placed a GPS device in her car and sure enough she's meeting at a parking lot away from her job after work and lying to me about it. I plan a trip to go away for the weekend, but I snuck back in the area to see if I can catch her, I go to the house and her car is there when I walk in she's not there, she had left threw the back of the house. I called and text her with no answer, to make a long story short she finally calls me back and says she was with her oldest son and she snuck out on purpose because she knew that I would be trying to track her. Now she is angry at me for tracking her and we start to fight I accuse her of having an affair she denies it, I also have a audio recording of her on the phone telling someone "Call me when, Love ya babe" the audio is poor but you can make out what she is saying.
She claims this is all in my head and that she can't take the lack of trust anymore and wants out, refuses to acknowledge any of the evidence that I have, she tries to explain things away, will not provide me with one once of proof to back her stories, will not let me look at her phone etc.etc....
Now had I stumbled upon this forum a week ago then I would have calmed myself down and not been so aggressive in trying to get her to confess, instead I went crazy demanding answer which further put up walls for her and refuses to even talk, I threatened to expose this affair at work so she decides to lawyer up and is in that process now. I believe she's working on the D papers at the moment which i'm sure I'll get served soon.
I know a lot of people say the same thing, I didn't see this coming, I never thought my wife would do this to me, the betrayal, the disrespect and resentment. It's something I never experience with her before. I love my wife and would be willing to really work on this, but I will not allow to be disrespected any longer. I've been following Sandis rules, detaching, taking care of myself and making sure i'm the best man that I can be. I know it's early and this takes time and I really hope it sinks in for her, but she's a very stubborn women that was raised by an even more stubborn mother.
Since the initial BD, i've been consistent in my detachment and this forum has been a God send. I no longer feel like a fool and understand their are many that have gone through what I'm going through. I've been divorced before and I really don't want to do it again, however if there is no effort on her part I don't see how else this can work, i'm trying to stay positive however all I see from her is anger toward me, like I did something really wrong to her. Don't get me wrong, I have my flaws, I didn't listen or take the warnings signs serious enough and hoped it will work itself out. But I never lied or disrespected her. I want to ask her why is she so angry at me, but I think that goes against what i'm trying to accomplish. I think she still loves me and at times she says when we are calm she's confused on what she wants to do. I've separated my bank accounts because I want her to know that this is serious and I'm not going to put up with the disrespect, which I think may have made her even angrier. If there is something I can do that will help I will do it for our family, but I'm afraid she is in a fog with the OM and thinks it's a better option for her. I don't know if she will see it for what it is, or maybe I should let it go.
I look forward to the insight of the wonderful people on this forum, the last couple of days I have gain so much awareness from your expereinces.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
What boundaries can I set in regards to her chatting with OM in the house? I already separated our phone bill which she is paying for herself now. And I also I pay for half her car, do I tell her not to see OM in that car or else?
Taken from the boundaries thread.
Based on reading your story maybe for the short term it would be best to sit back and DO NOTHING.
Quote:
Now had I stumbled upon this forum a week ago then I would have calmed myself down and not been so aggressive in trying to get her to confess, instead I went crazy demanding answer which further put up walls for her and refuses to even talk, I threatened to expose this affair at work so she decides to lawyer up and is in that process now. I believe she's working on the D papers at the moment which i'm sure I'll get served soon.
I am not saying not to have some boundaries Maybe you should stop paying for the car but I would consult an attorney first.
As far as she is concerned - I would re-read my first post and do the homework. She is likely lying every time you pursue her, so I stand by the "believe nothing she says and half of what she does."
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Welcome here, sorry you are here but you in great hands, many W and H have affairs through co worker's they will give up everything for there affair. All I can say you must be the adult your 5 kids will need you. I know you only have 1 with her and 4 other from W if you love all these kids the same please take care of them. Your W will use kids as pawns please keep them out of her path, she is already her oldest as her pawn. So be careful get lots of rest and eat well. Protect your finances every penny. And just stay out her way as your W sounds like mine they must be right is the highway or nothing. In there mind's there the victim.
A day at a time
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
I think your right, my instincts have always been to jump in and solve problems, and that hasn't worked, now i'm going to do the opposite and do nothing of the time being. She's putting on a brave face like nothing is bothering her but normally by this time I gave and give her something to talk about. I will keep focus on myself and the kids, stay respectful and make sure she doesn't disrespect me to my face. Time will tell what kind of a person she really is and that's how i'll move forward.
Welcome here, sorry you are here but you in great hands, many W and H have affairs through co worker's they will give up everything for there affair. All I can say you must be the adult your 5 kids will need you. I know you only have 1 with her and 4 other from W if you love all these kids the same please take care of them. Your W will use kids as pawns please keep them out of her path, she is already her oldest as her pawn. So be careful get lots of rest and eat well. Protect your finances every penny. And just stay out her way as your W sounds like mine they must be right is the highway or nothing. In there mind's there the victim.
A day at a time
Exactly, I'm not sure if a person like this will ever be able to humble themselves I truly love this women but I can not move forward until we clean house. She tries to stay angry at me, I think it's so that she's able to dismiss me so that she can enjoy herself. I wonder if the fog will ever clear with her, I sure hope so, It would be sad to think I didn't really know her and that the person I thought she was was a lie.
We are about 2 weeks from the BD, feeling remorseful for my part in all of this I started to reflect on how I meet my WW. We were both married at the time and we reconnected on FB, she was my middle school sweatheat and the second we connected it didn't stop. I knew it was wrong for us to continue since both of us were married and we even talked about not doing anything until we were both divorce, we lived in different states. However that didn't last and we decided to see each other which expedited the divorce from both marriages. Now that this has happened to me I felt I owed my step sons an apology for breaking up their homes, something that I never really considered doing in the past. But now being where i'm at I see how that must of made them feel at the time and made me feel really quilty about it. So I decided to speak to my eldest step son and give him a sincere apology for my actions. He was very appreciative that I went out my way to speak to him and he said that he's not happy with what's going on now and hoped that we can work things out.
Well my WW found out about the conversation and was very unhappy, she said I was trying to wash my hands of my guilt and that I was trying to make her look bad to her son. I wasn't trying to do that but I did validate her reaction and I told her I can see how that can be taken in that context. Did I screw up by talking to him? I really wasn't trying to get him to be upset at his mother, all I wanted was for him to know I was sorry for what I did.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/26/1808:23 AM. Reason: threads merged
What boundaries can I set in regards to her chatting with OM in the house? I already separated our phone bill which she is paying for herself now. And I also I pay for half her car, do I tell her not to see OM in that car or else?
Manny, I'm quoting your question here, you are more likely to get responses.
Anyway, both of the scenarios you brought up aren't so much boundaries as they are you trying to control her. It's her house, and realistically she can talk to who ever she wants. You could say that you do not want her talking to OM in the house, but it would be up to her to respect that.
The issue with the car is the same, it's you trying to control her. The best thing you can do right now is stop trying to control her, it puts pressure on her and makes her want to move everything fast, be meaner to you, etc.
I understand not wanting to be around the house and hearing her talking to OM, so I would definitely say something to her about not doing that, but unless you're in the car, I would not address that at all and just don't think about it.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
What boundaries can I set in regards to her chatting with OM in the house? I already separated our phone bill which she is paying for herself now. And I also I pay for half her car, do I tell her not to see OM in that car or else?
Manny, I'm quoting your question here, you are more likely to get responses.
Anyway, both of the scenarios you brought up aren't so much boundaries as they are you trying to control her. It's her house, and realistically she can talk to who ever she wants. You could say that you do not want her talking to OM in the house, but it would be up to her to respect that.
The issue with the car is the same, it's you trying to control her. The best thing you can do right now is stop trying to control her, it puts pressure on her and makes her want to move everything fast, be meaner to you, etc.
I understand not wanting to be around the house and hearing her talking to OM, so I would definitely say something to her about not doing that, but unless you're in the car, I would not address that at all and just don't think about it.
Thank you my gut was thinking that as well, that's why I didn't say anything but my ego was poking me. In her defense I don't know if she's talking to him but she's on WhatsApp with someone most of the day. I think I need to calm down and stop tying to push things my way. Patience has always been a difficult skillset to learn.
