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Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up #2775286
01/14/18 02:02 AM
01/14/18 02:02 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
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betheoa Offline OP
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betheoa  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
Hello, I have read here around the year or more, before that I was follow other forums and other sites, and I am not sure where I am, what to do. Please help me to find optimum about my stich.
I will summarize my today situation, in next posts will share more about whole story.
- Together 18 years, Married 12
- S10, D8
- Sexless marriage, neglect kids\Wife from my side, thought life, always we agent’s other, nice guy syndrome (especially regarding sex), she was controlling one and manipulative.
- 6 years ago I become WH (I can share why\how and so on, if someone is interested). In 6 months went back to my sense, and realize that I was wrong, and I want to be better man/father.
- During my WH period my W suspect about maybe I am\have unfaithful
- 5 years ago, W put me in 1 mount hell to convince everything I have done\lay, if I do we will heal our R/M and will have better M. I believe her, and confess. I already was sorry about everything I have done. I was remorseful, I have answer every question I was full transparency.
- After my confession, W put me in blame/punish mode for 3 years (become WAW)
- 2 Years ago she falls in Love (limerance) to one OM1, It was like EA, but mostly one side, he maybe just flirt with her. Become WW
- One year ago she falls in Love (limerance) to one OM2, harder EA, OM2 flirt more hard, but I think there is not full blown EA. Still WW
Why I am here? I leave in hell already 5 years, I am half person (mentally, half of my brain is stuck about my stich), I am close to give up.
I need some advice what to do with OM2, she definitely in limerance for him (we are just friends), I believe her about OM1 (we are just friends) and she ended up with OM2. What to do now? Being doormat (I can do that)? She does not want to divorce (she told me, I am free to live if I do not want to be with her). If I can say this-she like this Cake eating very much.
I have read a lot from this forum, but as former WH she uses this card (my past faults) every time she can.
Please ask question, and I will answer, there is too many events\situation and I am not sure what is important to share and what is not.
Thanks in Advance


Me39
W 41
T18 M12

D8
S10

I was WH 2011
WAW from 2012
WW from 2016
OM1 2016 (just friends) limerance
OM2 2017 (just friends) limerance

Full blown EA - not yet confirmed
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2775315
01/14/18 06:52 AM
01/14/18 06:52 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2775319
01/14/18 07:24 AM
01/14/18 07:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
S
sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
You have been reading for a year! Wow, I hope you will stick with this board.

Just to clarify, were you in any type of inappropriate relationship with another woman?

Yes, it sounds as if your W is very wayward. She's also been yanking you around by your b@lls for a long, long time. Don't you think it is time to change the dynamics in your MR?

I commend you for being honest about yourself. How long has the M been sexually started? Was that your reason for being a WAH? You being a WAH, previously, does not excuse her nor gives her a right to cheat on you. Neither did it give her a right to punish you all these years. You really must stop being a doormat. Do you feel you are suppose take her bad treatment of you?

Quote:
I need some advice what to do with OM2, she definitely in limerance for him (we are just friends), I believe her about OM1 (we are just friends) and she ended up with OM2.


First of all, they are not "friends", and she should not be friends or have private friendships with any man. She is playing you for a fool. A friendship that excludes her H is not acceptable.

Secondly, the OM is not the real problem. It's your WW that's the problem. If OM2 goes away, she'll find OM3. She wants a man who will not allow her to treat him like a doormat. Women are not attracted to doormats. They wipe their feet on doormats. Women want a man who is stronger than she is. If you are stronger, you are not showing it by your nice-guy ways.

So, when there is no sex at home, look at yourself. She is not attracted to you. You may be handsome, but it's not all about looks. It is what kind man you are, and how you treat her....and especially how you let her treat you. It's about standing up for yourself and not being afraid of her. She doesn't desire to have sex with you, b/c she has lost respect for you. Sorry to be so harsh.

Stop taking her cr@p treatment. Stop believing her b.s. It's time for you to start making changes in yourself. Stand on your values, principles, and believe system. Do not compromise your integrity.

I hope you post every chance you get. Do you work full time? Does she work full time?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2776018
01/19/18 07:32 PM
01/19/18 07:32 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
B
betheoa Offline OP
Member
betheoa  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
Thanks very much for you respond,
sorry for my late respond, i have difficulty with my computer.
Cadet - thank you, i already read your post, several times.


Me39
W 41
T18 M12

D8
S10

I was WH 2011
WAW from 2012
WW from 2016
OM1 2016 (just friends) limerance
OM2 2017 (just friends) limerance

Full blown EA - not yet confirmed
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: sandi2] #2776020
01/19/18 08:34 PM
01/19/18 08:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
B
betheoa Offline OP
Member
betheoa  Offline OP
Member
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
Thanks Cadet and Sandy.
Cadet - i have read your homework, will reread .

Sandy i am so happy you are here, so so happy..

Quote:
Just to clarify, were you in any type of inappropriate relationship with another woman?
- Yes i have cheated on my wife 6 years ago (two times spend several days together sex PA, and 5 months EA via internet), she was from other country. Second one hour(one time) kissing/touching with another woman.

Quote:
Yes, it sounds as if your W is very wayward. She's also been yanking you around by your b@lls for a long, long time. Don't you think it is time to change the dynamics in your MR?
- Yes i want, i think i have done a little to change...i am not sure, how much is it.

Quote:
I commend you for being honest about yourself. How long has the M been sexually started? Was that your reason for being a WAH? You being a WAH, previously, does not excuse her nor gives her a right to cheat on you. Neither did it give her a right to punish you all these years. You really must stop being a doormat. Do you feel you are suppose take her bad treatment of you?
- One year after being together, the sex was ones a month or less. After the kids become even worst. I was obsessed about sex (with her), become addicted to porn. No i think i do not deserve this, i punish my self enough about what i have done, but really do not want live like this to the end...

[quote
First of all, they are not "friends", and she should not be friends or have private friendships with any man. She is playing you for a fool. A friendship that excludes her H is not acceptable. quote] I agree, with OM1 she include me, and we behave as good neighbors (i buy her "we are friend" - but i sow her limeranc to him). Ath the beginning of OM2 she try to talk about him with me and so on, but i show that i am not OK, then she involve her self even more (she told me that i push her).

Quote:

Secondly, the OM is not the real problem. It's your WW that's the problem. If OM2 goes away, she'll find OM3. She wants a man who will not allow her to treat him like a doormat. Women are not attracted to doormats. They wipe their feet on doormats. Women want a man who is stronger than she is. If you are stronger, you are not showing it by your nice-guy ways.
- Agree. I do not behave as Nice Guy any more (i want- but not do it).

Quote:
So, when there is no sex at home, look at yourself. She is not attracted to you. You may be handsome, but it's not all about looks. It is what kind man you are, and how you treat her....and especially how you let her treat you. It's about standing up for yourself and not being afraid of her. She doesn't desire to have sex with you, b/c she has lost respect for you. Sorry to be so harsh.

Stop taking her cr@p treatment. Stop believing her b.s. It's time for you to start making changes in yourself. Stand on your values, principles, and believe system. Do not compromise your integrity.

I hope you post every chance you get. Do you work full time? Does she work full time?


Sandy, i wish you to be so wrong, but i know you are so write smile.
So what i have done so far:
3 years free from porn.
6 months ago, i have stop call her, with no reason. If she ask me to call her when ... i do, but not call at all to check her.
Not ask nothing, if she talk about her day OK, but i have no ask.
This is may be wrong but i Snoop, in this way i handle her bite ( to be sure, do not bring my hope Up) - for now on i handle what i know pretty well. I do not confront about anything have know by snoop.
There is no more disrespect in front of the kids. If she try even a little, i shut her write there.
2 months ago, we have discussion (last one) she suck me in, so in very calm meaner i told her that i will not live like this, not open marriage and so on....
Since beginning of the year, if i sow her to write to OM2 by FB, i distance her mediately (not pity game), just not pay attention to her, be polite....but not interested.
On the third time, i leave the house, just say i am going out, and that is...she call me i did not answer. Go Back one hour later. She ask why i behave like this, and i say she know what she is doing.

Sandy what to de next time when she FB with OM2 in front of me?
What to do if she go to coffee OM2 and ask me/inform me before that, or after that.

She is hairdresser, and OM2 is her client, if they do not meat in between, he cut the hair every 2 weeks. From 2 months the do not meet elsewhere. than the salon. Sometimes he pass a way for coffee.
She pursuit him very hard, he is not so much interested. If she distance her, he try to engage her, by some Harts or kisses by FB.

She do not use any passwords, and live her computer with open FB at home.

Soon will write more.
To day after 3 days silence she contact him, to wish success in exam, he will meet for coffee in the saloon, if he is ok with his schedule.

Today i live my home at the 1AM, went to work, there was emergency and i am responsible. she call me at the night to ask where i am.
If i behave mysterious she behave nervous.
If we are in company of other women, and she behave protective of me, especially the other woman is friendly/flirty.

Will write soon...

Thank you.
This forum safe a lot of my self, you Sandy gave me a different look, that i follow as close as possible, and this change the dynamic a little.
thanks

Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2776021
01/19/18 09:33 PM
01/19/18 09:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
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betheoa Offline OP
Member
betheoa  Offline OP
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
So, i am still at work,(came here at the night)
My WW, is at work, there is possibility OM2 to pass by for fast coffee.
She call me 2 times, i did not answer,she FB message me, ask how am i, an hour later i call her ant told that every thing is under control (but i do not know when will come home (the kids are alone, at home.
She told me that she do not want to be at work now, and she wont to be at home to take rest. she told me that my horoscope are telling that my day will be very successful, she is very friendly ....
So if i was not snoop, i will take this as hope, now i see this as, just checking me, but how/why? Any ideas.

Just ti clarify (regarding all i know about)
1. There is not PA (no kisses, hugs, touches ...)
2. There is no ILU, hearts and kisses and emoticons by FB, but not words about, in FB or in present meet.
3. She mach all points for person in Limerance
4. She play manipulative games to him. (Gilt trip, distancing, and so on.
5. Some times she do not seek contact for several days, but in the end she gave up, if she have excuse to contact him she use it write away.
6. She talk to her girl collogues, about OM2, like how different is he. And how i am pissed of when she contact him.
7.She lay in from of others and OM2. She twist the truth or lay, to show her in light of cool woman, intendant, desired and so on.


Me39
W 41
T18 M12

D8
S10

I was WH 2011
WAW from 2012
WW from 2016
OM1 2016 (just friends) limerance
OM2 2017 (just friends) limerance

Full blown EA - not yet confirmed
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2776026
01/20/18 01:04 AM
01/20/18 01:04 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,006
NY
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: Cadet] #2776045
01/20/18 04:06 AM
01/20/18 04:06 AM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
B
betheoa Offline OP
Member
betheoa  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 53
Please urgent.
Om2 after be on her work place for hair cut,FB her about go for lunch/diner. For now I do not suppose to know. How to act;
1. By just keep kids own for invitation
2. If she agree and wait for free time - hide from me
3. If she let me know before meet
4. If she let me know after meet

What to do ....how to set boundaries
Should I shut my mouth. And play cool.


Please some one calm me.
Should I contact him - hi is 12 years younger


Me39
W 41
T18 M12

D8
S10

I was WH 2011
WAW from 2012
WW from 2016
OM1 2016 (just friends) limerance
OM2 2017 (just friends) limerance

Full blown EA - not yet confirmed
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: betheoa] #2776082
01/20/18 07:46 AM
01/20/18 07:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,057
I think you need to stay calm and play it cool. If you have the kids, find somewhere to go or something fun to do with them.

Your W is wayward and showing much disrespect for you as her H. You feel she can hold your past mistakes against you. You cannot allow your past mistakes to be her free ticket to cheat with OM. In other words, you repented of your affair.......and she is not excused to pay you back by having her own affairs. She uses your past indesgretion as leverage. I hope you can see that she is not excused. Don't let her play games with your head by making you feel guilt. That is the past. Today she is the one who has wayward behavior.

Do not act as if you are a victim. Don't act as if you are being punished. Hold your head up and walk tall. You are a man, not her little boy. You must respect yourself before she will respect you.

Until her respect for you is restored, I don't think she will get better. She may be nice some days, but don't let it fool you. Niceness does not mean anything has changed under the surface.

You can start by not allowing her to speak to you disrespectfully. She doesn't get to talk down to you, yell, curse, belittle, blame, etc. Don't allow her to show disrespect in front of your children. She doesn't get to boss you. You should not cater to her and treat her as if she royalty. If she speaks with sarcasm, address it at that moment. Don't try to pay her back at a later time, b/c that is passive-aggressive behavior. It never resolves the issues.

She likes to eat cake, but you don't have to serve it. Know what I mean? You are not helpless. Learn to say, "no" to her face. Don't be afraid of her. Stop apologizing for the past.

I think this may be a very long road ahead. Be sure to read the threads about wayward wives.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up [Re: sandi2] #2776119
01/20/18 03:04 PM
01/20/18 03:04 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 932
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NicoleR Offline
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NicoleR  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 932
Betheoa, you and your wife sound a bit like my husband and I. My husband was the nice one and I'm the controlling one. He had an affair and I did not, but I've made him pay for his affair by making him suffer for years. Now he wants to leave.

You know it's only after my husband says he's divorcing me that I realized how I punished my husband and made his life miserable because of his affair. Now I'd do anything in the world to apologize for that. He tried to tell me many times just to please be a nice woman and I wasn't. I was mean and ignored him and turned my cheek away when he tried to kiss me. I'm so sorry now I can't even believe I did those things to the man I love. He's done some very bad things but I can see clearly now how punishing someone endlessly can never fix a marriage.

I say all of that because your wife may not realize what she's doing either. You can tell her you want a separation and wait to see if she comes to the same realization that I did. If you're lucky, she'll see her own actins before it's too late and come to you begging for an apology. Then if you can start over you'll both work together on making changes to honor each other and make each other the priority.

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