I am firmly in your Blu corner all the way, baby! Hold your head up HIGH...nothing to hang your head here. I am super proud of you and your own journey.
Chin up, sweetie. You're a very strong person and you shall overcome with strength and dignity.
Sorry to hear about this - I understand about this place being like a diary to get things off our chests, and the feeling of violation.. I must say I agree with Anotherstander. If your H didn't care, he wouldn't snoop. He's snooping because he's trying to figure out why, how, what. I snoop for that reason. I don't know if you did when he was a WH.
In any case, best of luck with the journey ahead - don't stay away too long, hopefully.
However, you've changed, I see in you similarities to my ex after the ILYBNILWY speech.. I will again say, it doesn't matter to me if you hurt your cheating spouse, but I feel like you've changed.
I wish there was an edit function on this forum, because reading this today, I don't feel like this came across as I meant it.
When I said you've changed and I see similarities to the changes I saw in my ex, I am not meaning to say you are wayward and act like it. What I've felt when reading your last few posts is that your heart has hardened. Personally, I think that is a good thing for a LBS who wants to move on, because no matter how much pain the WS caused, there are still memories of the good times which causes pain when considering moving on. With a WS, I think that hardening comes as a way to keep the guilt out, but unfortunately affects more than just the relationship with their LBS. More than anything, I hope your R with the rest of your family has not been affected, and if it hasn't, then I couldn't be happier for you Blu.
Originally Posted By: Coconut
If you were honestly giving 100% to your M, I can't imagine there is much that you've said here that you haven't said to your spouse, but if there was, then I wonder if you were really trying to reconnect.
Ouch, I definitely came across as an a-hole here.. when I read what your husband did, it resonated with me regarding my ex. One of the regrets I can't get out of my head is that after BD, my ex never once had a conversation with me to share how she felt (remember, never ONCE in my entire M did my ex ever say she was unhappy about anything, never a single comment to tell me what she didn't like or what was missing for her in our M).
The only insight I had to how she was feeling was when I put a Voice Recorder in her car for 3 days, when she was talking about how she felt to OM and to one of her friends. I hate that others probably assume that we talked, and that we were not able to work things out in our M. I too would find it unbelievable that someone else's M ended without any conversation about what would be needed to try and save it. So I lashed out with the thought that you walk away without your H having known what could be done to stay together.
But I know that's not what happened. You've shared with us what you have done, the pain you've processed, the conversations you've had, the programs you've gone through just to increase communication between the two of you. I apologize for saying it the way I did.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Deep breath ... I changed my mind. I am not going to say "goodbye." If he decides to read here, even after I have asked him again not to, then that is his choice. We must all make our own choices and then we must live with how we feel about those choices. I too am living with some choices that I do not feel good about. I think we learn more through those natural consequences and less through other people telling us we are wrong. I do have a feeling though that he will not read here. I also recognize that people can change.
I almost stopped posting after I first joined, when I realized that my H's XOW's XH could be reading here too, but that didn't stop me then, and neither will this stop me now. I now write for all of you, and for both of them. Hello everyone. Thank you for the attention, really, on some weird level, I am actually flattered. That is my perspective now (shrug). Plus, now I can include more details because my anonymity has gone right out the window!
I felt so sad and anxious yesterday typing that good-bye letter, and then later I realized that by doing that, I am still allowing this (and him) to control me and that is not healthy! That is not me anymore. I started to feel that sick, scared feeling and it reminded me of who I was when he left me. I will never be that woman again, she is no longer ...
So as I write from now on, I will do so with the mindfulness that anyone could be reading. Anyone. But I am still going to be myself because clearly, you guys like me the way I am. I like me the way I am. He likes me for the way I am. If you don't babe, you know you can leave at any moment and I will not hold you back. I will never again beg, yell, reduce myself to needing you to be okay. I am not the same woman that you walked out on a few years ago. I think you know that. And thank you for helping me see myself more clearly these last few years. I didn't feel good about myself then in the way I do now, and I think I only changed because you broke my heart and pulled the rug out from under my life. So F-you AND thank you for that :-)
Okay, now that we have our housekeeping aside, let me get to the good stuff. Thank you all for replying. You guys are great. I mean it when I say that I have learned so much about myself here, not just by your comments and questions, but also by reading your stories and struggles. So thank you.
I had a bad night when he slept at his parents, and it turned out he had an even worse night. It was an unsettling jolt into the past, a place we both do not want to be. We both want this to work. But we also realize that what we have been doing is not working. I am not sure what the best path is now, but I am going to have more patience with however it will go. I had this moment last night when I realized that my H continues to stick by me no matter what, and since he has been back, I have lied, pushed him away, and not been a good W. He still believes in me and in us. I think there is something to be said about that. He said again how much he regrets what he did, how sorry he is, and how much he wishes it never happened. I do believe him.
You know it's interesting because words are powerful, and we can say things with an intention, and we can not say things with more of an intention. You guys all had such different reactions to my post. I read every reply, and you know what? You were all right. All of you.
It was wrong for him to snoop and for the many times he has snooped he has been wrong. He has also snooped because in his gut he has felt something was wrong. Haven't I always said that we should trust our own intuition more than anything? And he has been right in that he has found things. He read here that I have been getting attention from other men (yes, not man, but men) and that is something I had not been honest about, not with him and not with all of you. I was getting attention. And I liked it. So yes AS, you were right. And yes C-nut, you were right too. While I am not like your XW in some ways, I also felt myself changing. Blu got her groove back and maybe started having a little too much fun.
There is also another thing that I have not been honest about in the last few years. I developed some unhealthy habits with substance abuse when H left. What started off as prescriptions with just sleep and to cope with severe anxiety and depression, soon became things that were not meant for me and not good for me. This continued well past the time H came back. And he caught me. And I lied. And he caught me again. So while H has broken my trust, I recognize that I have broken his too. ... I also have come to recognize how fortunate I am to not be an addict and to be able to simply make better choices on my own. I am a nurse and have it in my hands every day, and I am so grateful to easily turn it away and to not compromise my life or my job. I know others have not been able to.
The thing is, two wrongs--and two dishonest people--don't make a right. He is not justified in his behavior and nor am I. Something hit me (again) in the last couple days and that is that we really cannot control anyone else, but we really really CAN control ourselves. Like I said in my first paragraph, we all must make our own choices and then we all must live with how we feel about them. I don't like some of the choices I have been making. It is not just because I was caught or because it is wrong, but they are not things that I feel good about or proud of. I want to feel good about my choices and the natural consequences of them. And I just can't ignore the fact that I have this man here that still loves me and sticks by me even when I screw up or convince all of you that I am right.
This is far too much drama for one day. Even for me. I am gonna go and clean my house, deal with some sick kids, and then hit the climbing gym.
Confessional is over. And no more goodbyes. Not for now!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu....I have always enjoyed how you express yourself and it sounds like you and your H are finally being 100% honest with each other. Hopefully both of you will be able to move forward and build a even better marriage. It is really apparent to me that you both love each other very much. Glad you came back!
Blu, how are you doing? Your previous post was full of emotion so I would imagine your spinning a little. I hope you'll use this place as a "safe" outlet to vent, but with the amount of IRL people that know your SN, I imagine that you will never be able to write anything without thinking that someone you know is going to read this. I think that will really limit your ability to speak freely and that is unfortunate.
Are you currently seeing an IC? If not, you may want to consider it to have someone really help you process everything that is going on with you and in your life.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Um, I hate to admit THIS, but when it comes to housekeeping, errands, and kid stuff, Mr Blu does as much as I do. One thing I cannot complain about.
Thank you, Sotto & J9. The sentiments are mutual.
C-Nut. I feel okay actually. I've just been busy at work this week; we have a lot of flu going around right now, so lots of sick patients, and I think I have a strain of something myself.
I feel okay about my sitch too actually. I have not been emotional lately. When H read here last weekend and then let me know, things blew up, and I felt myself falling back into old patterns of reacting to triggers, fear, anxiety, etc. However soon after, I checked myself and I let that all go. I am not going to let emotions control me anymore. So no, not spinning, not anymore. I think that has been my greatest improvement in the last few years: I am more able to compartmentalize things. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. My issue now is that I find myself wanting to retreat from him when things get uncomfortable.
I have seen ICs several times in my life and it has only helped intermittently, but never consistently. What I think helps me the most, is shifting my perspective on things, time passing, and developing more healthy habits/reactions (180s) and engaging in more healthy activities/relationships (GAL). I say healthy, because I recognize that several of my choices and coping mechs have not been good. Also, while I love going to the spa or pub with my girlfriends, I need real physical activity for my mental health and my physical health. So in theory, for me to be able to 180 well, my GAL choices are key, not just numbing myself ...
Last summer I started running and more recently I have been checking out different forms of exercise, especially things that are mentally challenging. Recently these have been (indoor) rock climbing and roller derby. I am also planning to get on a surf board this year. When I am in good physical shape, I overall feel better. Plus I am turning 40 soon, soooooo ..... that has been weighing on me. Sure, age is just a number, but I had a kid at 20 and then soon after was a single mom going back to college, so I feel like I missed out on something in my 20s that I now want to find.
I think all of the counseling, MC, Retrouvaille, and "working on things," is part of what ultimately pushed me away from my M last summer. It becomes this exhausting and emotional task that for me was leading to increasing dread. It did not draw me closer to H, but started to lead to me wanting to avoid the painful loop/reminders. So something shifted in me and I felt myself distancing more and more. I told him I wanted separation, I stopped working on things and engaging with him, took my rings off, and started focusing on me and what I wanted. I started to imagine a life without him, but I think I was also being selfish. I started to realize that while I would be okay without him, there are still things about him that I love -- we have 17 years, a family, and a home -- and he is a good fit, we are compatible.
Since last weekend, I have felt a shift towards him, but also still find myself wanting to retreat if he wants to R talk or things get difficult. I am recommitting and he is being open and loving, and more so than before it seems. I think he felt he was losing me and that scared him. He has let his guard down. I want to try and move forward, but in a different and more natural way this time. I can't keep talking about the past and the same problems!
I don't have all the answers. But I am not worried about that. I have patience on my side now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
