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Yes Surv1ve, happy holiday!! I forgot you Canadians don't know what day to celebrate Thanksgiving. Everyone knows its the third Thursday in November.

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Oh, thank you butterfly. I'm popping into share a journal entry here. For those following along, EMDR is a trauma recovery therapy that I both use with clients as a therapist and receive myself. Thinking about the concept of "be the lighthouse", H has been watching my growth and my belief in EMDR and is actually, of his own accord, going to EMDR therapy. And, I'm pretending that I'm in a piecing phase (perhaps to my detriment) and I have telling him that my clock is ticking and I need to see a return to a marriage or an intention or I need to be done. But, goodness, things are DIFFERENT these days.

And here is a snippet for you about where things are in my home and about my H

He's been going to EMDR to process a climbing fall. A few years ago, his lead belayer wasnt paying attention and he hit the ground on a hard fall. He says he knows it's just the thing that will get him in the door and he's okay with tricking himself.

Last session, he shared with me that in EMDR, he realized all the ways he avoids climbing with others where he might be at risk of taking a fall. The first major recognition from him in a glad aha way of self recognition about how he avoids and then blames others. To myself, also wondering if he will realize how much he did that in our marriage... avoided his needs and joys and then found ways to make it all my fault.

I've been certified to lead belay him, which is just more complicated and greater risk of falling. On Saturday, as we talked about climbing outdoors, he said, "this is such a great way to get past this climbing block... climbing with someone I trust implicitly." I cried. He saw and said, "yeah, I said I trust you implicitly"

On Sunday, he took a bunch of smaller risks and made moves where he could take a fall rather than keeping well within his skill range. And, he also leapt so that he was fully off the rock to grab a jug that was out of his reach. "That's so cool. I made the decision about the best move, felt the fear and just did it. I did it!" Excited and vulnerable and joyful. I was so glad to be there with him.

We're going away in two weekends together. Except he hasn't yet told EX/OM and he says it's his job to tell EX/OM. H and EX/OM are going away next Monday.

We had a couple minutes alone in the driveway last night.

H: no, I haven't told EX/OM yet. I will. I just... do you understand how when there's multiple pressures on me, I just get stuck on the easiest things.

Me: it's not easy. Telling EX/OM you want to spend a weekend away with me isn't easy and spending a weekend away with me isn't easy. I get it. I see you. I know.

H: (relaxes).

Me: I love you.

H: I know.

Me: and I know you're doing your best. You always have, even when you were being a monster. And your best is so much better than it used to be.

H: (relaxing).

Me: but that doesn't mean I won't be mad or upset if this doesn't happen and it's so soon that EX/OM would be well within his right to say he doesn't have enough notice. This was our solution to my need, and I'm not going to be okay with deferring it. That doesn't mean I don't love you or see you. It just means I also love and see me.

H: (fear look)

Me: again, I will say it again. I love you and I know you're doing your best. I'm going inside now.

This morning, I'm glad for his emdr. Maybe he'll have the aha that he sees the move and just has to make it, fear be damned.

Last edited by Surv1ve; 10/18/19 03:48 PM.

BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
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Lol! This journal entry is written about the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, so you're both lovely.

And, I'm a transplanted American who grew up in Florida... so, you know, it's too cold here for a celebration of the harvest in November? You're both wonderful to check in on me.

Last edited by Surv1ve; 10/18/19 03:52 PM.

BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
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Surv1ve, I would never be able to speak up for myself with such compassion for him. Great job!

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Oh Goodie, now we get to wish you Thanksgiving on the appropriate day!!

And, what OwnIt said. As you've said in the past, I also believe you're a step ahead due to being a therapist yourself, but very, very proud of you for your compassion towards H while also standing for yourself. Takes great courage. Well done my dear! You are a woman of dignity! xoxoxo

Last edited by bttrfly; 10/19/19 01:46 AM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by OwnIt
Yes Surv1ve, happy holiday!! I forgot you Canadians don't know what day to celebrate Thanksgiving. Everyone knows its the third Thursday in November.

this made me LOL


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hello. I'm still here though I can't get into my old account for anything...

It's been 5 years. I found a few of the current threads of people I remember from when it all began and you've mostly moved on and done new things... And here I am, still living with my MLC.

We've been around the rollercoaster a bunch of times and I've thought we were piecing...

The pandemic has been awful and also good. My 15 year old daughter, like so many, developed anorexia and became suicidal. My relationship with my MLC, once the most important thing, I had nothing left to care. And yet spending every day together, side by side, and him seeing the mountains I would climb to keep kiddo safe seemed to improve our relationship and earn his respect.

And also I became so fed up at times. I've stayed because I was afraid of being alone, handling a crisis on my own... And, you know, he helped some but also he became like ostrich and stuck his head in the sand a lot... And I was alone while next to someone and my contempt was hard to restrain at times.

And still. He sleeps in my room again. Oh sure, once a week and on an air mattress and I've asked for this for such a long time. And I care and I don't. I'm tired. Sometimes I wish I had just called it quits but also there has been so much growth and so much change... Ownit, if you're still here and I saw that you were, I think about you describing staying with your father until his last breath.... It's like that. There is still life here.

I've moved on and also I haven't.

Ex/om and I have really repaired our relationship. He stepped up, and we became good teammates again. I'll take it.

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Hello. I'm still here though I can't get into my old account for anything...

It's been 5 years. I found a few of the current threads of people I remember from when it all began and you've mostly moved on and done new things... And here I am, still living with my MLC.

We've been around the rollercoaster a bunch of times and I've thought we were piecing...

The pandemic has been awful and also good. My 15 year old daughter, like so many, developed anorexia and became suicidal. My relationship with my MLC, once the most important thing, I had nothing left to care. And yet spending every day together, side by side, and him seeing the mountains I would climb to keep kiddo safe seemed to improve our relationship and earn his respect.

And also I became so fed up at times. I've stayed because I was afraid of being alone, handling a crisis on my own... And, you know, he helped some but also he became like ostrich and stuck his head in the sand a lot... And I was alone while next to someone and my contempt was hard to restrain at times.

And still. He sleeps in my room again. Oh sure, once a week and on an air mattress and I've asked for this for such a long time. And I care and I don't. I'm tired. Sometimes I wish I had just called it quits but also there has been so much growth and so much change... Ownit, if you're still here and I saw that you were, I think about you describing staying with your father until his last breath.... It's like that. There is still life here.

I've moved on and also I haven't.

Ex/om and I have really repaired our relationship. He stepped up, and we became good teammates again. I'll take it.

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Sorry you can't get on your old account - it may be the system, but there used to be a forgot your password function.

This new account is on moderation, have patience


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There is a forgot password one, but it doesn't actually send the password. I emailed Virginia but I think she just requested the password to be sent in the same way smile

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