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Surv1ve #2778310 02/09/18 03:22 PM
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H yelled at me today. Screamed at me over the phone while I was working and then hung up on me.

I, for sure, had escalated a fight because he was engaging in a Talk with me where I asked consent to ask every single question and then, suddenly, I had no right to be asking him questions. I definitely lost my temper and just started naming, in a row, all the things that are my fault... asking questions, not asking questions, telling him what I need, not telling him what I need. It's all my fault, everything, all of it.

So, I was on the phone basically saying I was all done with his calvin ball and that I need him to stop, stop deflecting his [censored] on to me. yeah, I know, I'm basically asking him to be done with his MLC and wouldn't that be nice.

So, he eventually said he couldn't help yelling at me and if I didn't like it, he would pack up. He has often threatened my relationship with him when I stand up for myself.

I'm still in a place where I've had ENOUGH so I said, "If my choices are share space with someone who thinks he can treat me anyway he wants and yell at me when he wants to or for you to move out, I vote move out."

So, he said, "DONE. I will be gone in 1 hour and I will notify you by instant message if I will be longer."

I came home and he was packing up a small suitcase and now "going to his parents house for a couple of days". I just kept reiterating, "If you would rather move out than treat me well, then I will help you pack your bags."

So, um. er?


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2778311 02/09/18 03:23 PM
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Also, extra weird, EX/OM is here while H is not.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2783438 03/30/18 06:01 PM
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Update...

H left for the weekend that time and was a mess of anxiety for a while. A few weeks later, he told me he was getting a L and starting the separation process. I acknowledged him and went back to my book. He asked me didn't I have anything to say and I just said, "You don't treat me well. If you're going to move out, go already. Don't expect me to argue with you to keep you here so you can treat me poorly. But, if you yell at me again, I will ask you to leave and you will go."

That was maybe 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard a peep.

I'm tired.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2804230 07/30/18 09:03 PM
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Paging job!

Could you please and kindly change the name of my original thread? When I google poly and mid life crisis, it now comes up and I would like to be less findable! Thank you.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2804241 07/30/18 09:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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You are in luck! I was able to change the title of the previous thread for you. I changed it to My Story and left the rest of the identifier out of the Title.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Surv1ve #2804483 08/01/18 03:31 AM
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Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2840150 03/04/19 05:00 PM
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Poking my nose in here.

Where are we now? So much has changed internally and very little externally.

I still have a live in MLC. We still go out each and every week together.

I still live with my other expartner, also called EXOM.

I have shifted to caring a lot less about whether or not things work out and H and I return to our romantic and sexual relationship.

I have increasingly had boundaries and hard lines, and each time I've done so, H has altered himself to respect them.

I ask for the things I actually want, and I fully expect him to say no and I don't really care (but of course I do). It's just I'm trying of saying no to myself and, when he says no, I take it as evidence about who he is and what he is right now.

He's been going to neurofeedback (a very passive therapy) for 6 months and it makes an actual difference. I've been going for EMDR, (a trauma therapy) and he now wants to go for his own EMDR. That's really a pretty big deal and it requires way more addressing his own historical traumas.

We're taking a day trip in 2 weeks to a ski hill 2 hours away. This was a Christmas present from him to me, complete with a cute card of us skiing, and he will do all the driving and emotional labour. I told him I wanted to go away with him for a weekend, and this was his boundaried response.

The person who had just lived through the bomb drop and wanted nothing more than her husband back would probably love to know that I get 2 twenty-minute periods of touch each week, weekly dates, daily hugs, and an H that is way more owning his own stuff and accountable. He talks about "feeling nothing but fear" and wants to learn how to manage the fear. "I know I still love you, I know it's in there, but I feel nothing. I have no idea how to access that."

And yet, I'm also just tired. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of crumbs and scraps. I'm tired of living with a H who knows he loves me and is terrified of loving me.

The LBS makes the final decision, these boards said, and 2.5 years ago, that felt like so much hogwash.
And, now I know that if this is to end, I will end it.

"Can you wait 5 years for me?" he asked. "Because I feel like it might take that long."

"No," I said, "not like this. Claim it and tell me that you're trying to save our marriage and maybe. But this weird limbo where you love me and refuse to say so, where you're trying to reconnect in our marriage but you won't name it that way, where you dissociate and forget all of the conversations that are so crucial to who we are to each other...? No, I need more than that."

As always, your wisdom... so appreciated.






Last edited by job; 03/04/19 07:01 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2840273 03/05/19 01:04 AM
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 324
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So excited to see you back Survive (I have changed my user name and hope you remember who I am). I think you need to change your name to Thrive! I've never seen anyone so in touch with their feelings, boundaries, and able to articulate them in such a clear and unloaded fashion. I'm still waiting on that separation agreement (ok, more than 2.5 years in I'm not waiting anymore, but it is my leitmotif at this point and I'd hate to give it up). Hope the kids are rocking it.

Surv1ve #2840390 03/05/19 03:54 PM
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Oh yes, of course I remember my constant commenter. I don't know if my story is just too different or I don't spend enough time here to make bigger connections, AND I really so deeply appreciated your support and I STILL think about the story of your father dying and you waiting for the last breath. I wonder sometimes if I need to see this through, the last breath, and also I wonder how I will know.

The truth is though that I have known. I was practically recruited to be a manager in a dream organization, but it would have been 2.5 days a week and H was about to recant on his weekly touch commitment to me. I had also just accepted a new job paying almost twice what I used to make doing clinical counselling, and that's pretty much what I've always wanted to do. EXOM had been working this crazy job for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, and it was over and he was now home and H wasn't sure he could do that in front of EXOM.

Me: Okay. Do you. I totally get that it's scary and anxiety provoking and you need to make the decision for you. But, you have two weeks to decide and if you can't follow through on this commitment to me or you don't take the lead and give me an answer, I'm taking the part-time job because I'll be in a safe environment with people who adore me and I will be able to fall apart while we separate houses. I love you, and I know you're doing your best, but if you recant this, I'm done and I need to begin a new life.

HIm: Are you last resort techniqueing me?

Me: Ha. I'm not, actually. It's my truth, but it says so much about how much I've grown that it feels that way to you. Check your gut and see if you think I am telling you a truth or trying to force your hand.

He followed through on his commitment to me. He had a hard conversation with EXOM in which EXOM threatened and yelled and screamed and he held his ground. That was in October.

And, it was just a clear bottom line. A gut truth. A this where a line is for me, and I don't really care what you do because it won't change my truth.

EMDR is so helpful on that front. It basically repairs your brain, adapts it from painful experiences. You act differently, from a place of confidence, and then you later look back and realize the behaviour would have never happened before.

The kids ARE rocking it. They really are, and I'm so proud of them. I will also say that H has been a really consistently great father and he's talking openly about his struggles as a way to model the possibility of change and the importance of emotional awareness and boundaries for the kids. These are all things I'm so grateful for and I also wish they meant I could stay longer. I feel like my clock is ticking so loudly AND I feel like who H is going to be in 5 years if he stays on his path is pretty great.

I think I've been a dang good lighthouse for him. He talked at our last night out about how I've always been growth oriented, I've always wanted to be a better version of myself, I've never shuffled out of personal accountability for that. I know he admires it.

<3


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Surv1ve #2840401 03/05/19 05:22 PM
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I think people are much more interested in your story than you think. You have over 5,000 views on this thread!

I'm feeling nosy in regard to your posts (but of course you have no obligation to answer anything).

Just wondering how ExOM is dealing with this relationship between you and H. As I recall, he was trying to push you out the door and engaging an attorney, etc.

Also whether ExOM completed the transition and if so did that negatively affected the relationship with your H (I had the impression that you thought at one point that it might).

Trying to imagine people who are self-aware enough to communicate like you guys do. It is so foreign to me. I'm wondering if I would be capable of being in a relationship with that much communication, boundary setting, and focus on needs. I sometimes think I ended up with an emotionally unavailable person because I am myself emotionally unavailable. I also wonder whether I want to be more emotionally available at this point.

Too often in life we are focused on our points of difference, but at heart we all want to be happy and loved. Your story teems with those qualities.

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