Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Hi Coly. Thanks for the visit.

My heart is still breaking. Yesterday, we went skiing as a family and had a great time. The tears came at day's end when I was washing dishes. After that, TV time as a threesome and I found myself curling into the far corner of the couch and saying to H, "I'm sorry. I need space." I never say that. Having his body in proximity of mine gave me the heebie jeebies. It's such a weird feeling; I feel like I don't even recognize myself. And, I feel like I've been carrying this huge heavy burden by myself, and I just can't do it anymore... and he will deeply hurt me again.

Facebook reminded me that this is the 1-year anniversary of him punching a wall last year out of anger, and breaking his hand, and of me sitting with him for 10 hours in the ER while he was terrible to me. It was the worst Monster episode I experienced. On one hand, he didn't want to be alone and, on the other hand, he didn't want to be vulnerable with me so he just kept being awful all day long but then saying I didn't have to be there but then saying he didn't want to be alone. EX/OM shut him out completely that day as he had a big response to H's uncontrolled anger of wall punching. If I could go back in time, I would have left him there... hand broken, his connection to his favorite activity (rock climbing) severed for the time being. He needed surgery; he had 6 fractures.

I wonder how much of what's happening for me is the body memory, the anniversary memory, of that extreme monster.

I'm so sad and broken hearted, and yet there is no part of me trying to reach for him. When I feel this way, I want to reach and then I wrestle with that desire. Whereas now, I just feel like reaching is pointless...? Or, I want to let the hope go?

And, I am mad at myself for "not being stronger."

[Surv1ve]

So, I don't know if I would call it cycling, but I think I have found new footing. Maybe it's called detachment.

Walking on Saturday in the woods, I saw this image of myself dropping the heavy weight and just waiting to see if he would carry any of it.

I find myself not wanting to sit next to him on the couch and significantly... pulling away? letting go? letting go of my death grip of "I will OUTLAST this nonsense and we will find our way back together."

H is currently chasing some. He followed me to the door this morning as I left for work and offered me a hug. He followed through on our lunch plans and said, "I get something out of our lunches together. I don't get as much out of them as I get out of our evenings together, but I get something out of them. I enjoy them." It's pretty much the first thing I've heard in terms a soft statement of enjoying or valuing his time with me in a long time. I am trying to make sure I don't soften... or pick up the rope?... based on those tiny things alone.

We had a big conversation about the bathroom. I have a townhome, standard layout, main bathroom upstairs and an ensuite off the master bedroom. For years, we've said that we are going to renovate that, knock out a wall, and put in a Jacuzzi tub! My dream bathroom. I recently found mold under my ensuite bathroom vanity and H was going to redo a good chunk of my bathroom. I couldn't figure that out, because it was a lot of work he was going to do to make it nice again (my shower also needs a repair and I don't use it). Tuesday is our family meeting night and he asked me, alone, what I do with the bathroom if labor/money were no object. The answer is: my Jacuzzi tub.

Those conversations are so hard to have because we're not really talking about the tub. We're talking about who is going to be living in the house in a year, but we only talk about the tub. I asked if he was willing to spend thousands of dollars for me to have my tub and he said, "That's a lot of money and time."

I stewed for a while and I said, "If we weren't doing this weird whatever we are doing, we would just do get the bathroom." He agreed. So, I said, "Listen, I don't know where you're living in a year, but I am definitely still living in this house. And, I am getting the bathroom I've always wanted. This weirdness has already cost me a lot, but it's not costing me my tub. And, I am not looking at a bathroom for the next however many years and remembering the time that I smothered my own needs, so you want me to sign something about property division if we split after we renovate the bathroom, that the cost less the cost of renovating just the ensuite comes out of my property share. No problem."

It was a pivotal moment. I can't put my life on hold anymore. He is going to pick up the rock or he isn't, but in all of my futures, I am getting my bathroom. And taking care of me.

[OwnIt]

Survive, try not to mind read. You may literally only be talking about the bathroom. My H insisted on spending $5k for shelving and an epoxy loor in our brand new garage and was gone before it was done. They cycle wildly. Work on the detachment. It feels good. Get your bath!

[Surv1ve]

Oh, there were way more clear undertones of what we're doing... at one point, he said, "Well, I don't want to plan that far in the future when we're so limbo."

But, yes to my bath.

[DnJ]

Surv1ve, I think you need a Jacuzzi tub! 😀🛁

[job]

Get your bath remodeling done. You owe it to yourself to get what you want. I wouldn't put this on hold any longer. No one knows if he will still be around.

As many of them start projects and then....poof! They are gone. Those that start new projects are actually looking for a change and think that these projects will make them feel better, but they soon discover...it's not working for them. My xh started projects prior to leaving the second time and I ended up hiring someone to come in and finish them.

Looking forward to hearing how the remodeling is going. Life is too short to always put off the things you want to do and get.

[Surv1ve]

Oh, thanks for chiming in, Job. That's so interesting about the starting projects to feel better. Maybe that's a thing because he's brainstorming about all kinds of renovation right now.

It definitely felt absolutely pivotal to choose my bathroom.

I also add that, at the night's end...

H: You're welcome.
Me: For what?
H: For asking you what you wanted to do with the bathroom. For creating the space for you to ask for what you wanted?
Me: Um, when I asked you your motivation for asking me that question, you didn't have any.
H: Well, I didn't realize until later that something wasn't sitting right and I wanted you to say what you really wanted.

Um, okay. I have a pivotal moment, and it's of course because you were nurturing me towards growth. Uh huh.

[Surv1ve]

So, I don't snoop on H. But, EX/OM used the family computer and left his profile open and it was too god danged tempting.

What did I learn
1) EX/OM recently emailed a whole bunch of lawyers (2 days ago) on H's behalf with a cc to H's work email address
2) EX/OM still truly believes H only wants to be friends with me and never hears all of H's ambivalence.
3) one of my "friends" has been reporting details of my story to EX/OM so I obviously have to sever that relationship. I was always hesitant because it's one of our mutual friends and the details are a WHOLE LOT but also shoot.

I am almost crying with laughter that EX/OM is doing the emotional labour of finding H a new lawyer. Oh, my goodness. It's hilarious.

I am going to have to bite my tongue for the next few days not to tell EX/OM about all the ambivalent statements I hear from H. It would just spark a fire, I guess? Let H keep his little fantasy land where it's just easy and clean and simple and there are rainbow sprouting from the ground?

And, I am still feeling so incredibly FED UP that this information about H's potential new L makes me want to just greet him in the morning with the words, "When can you move out?"

And, while I am fed up and I stop reaching for H, suddenly all of his language implies we're partners. Blech. Over it.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Surv1ve}}}}}}}}

you know i've aways believed it's better to know. You've found out a lot. Keep yourself safe. Of course the temptation to feed that 'friend' false information would be vey high.

xoxoxoxo

[Surv1ve]

You know what's wild about this "friend?" Her H had an MLC maybe 8 years ago. I didn't realize it at the time, but yes. H told her he wanted to open the marriage, met a woman online, and was living with her 6 months later, pretty much ditching his two kids to move to the US... and, she's been my friend for 20+ years. She used to come clean our house with EX/OM for pay, and they laughed about how I was silly to not realize how much they'd bonded.

And, I pretty much can't slam the "friend" because then I have to admit that I was snooping and EX/OM will just go extra hard on lock down security.