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OwnIt #2775708 01/17/18 02:10 PM
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Ah thanks for the point in the direction! I will pop in and do what I can.

And thanks to butterfly, hawoo and gordie for recently popping by my thread, and especially to you, ownit, who i feel is sort of usually looking out for me. <3


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 151
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I saw a reference to the MLC "baiting" the LBS back with just enough on someone's post. I think I already forgot who... but I was wondering if a few people could speak to this phenomenon. Like, when H is kind/thoughtful, is H just wanting to keep me where I am, subconciously, at least? What's the word, folks?


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
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For me, nice has meant something bad is coming.

Mine used to bait me all the time to justify his actions. I stopped giving him emotion back. Now he seems to have let that stuff go and is inching forward quietly.

OwnIt #2775769 01/18/18 03:49 AM
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Mine for sure used to bait me to justify his Monster and, if he Monsters up again, I expect the same. I more mean that, when I feel like I am reaching the end of my rope or ready to shut him out, he seems to be kind and thoughtful and generous enough that I stay hopeful about our R. And, I'm suddenly resenting feeling hopeful.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
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Ah, yes. Mine will still do something nice every time he does something awful. I just see it as as part of his fear of abandonment. A month ago we had a series of unpleasant conversations. The next day he included me on a group text with the kids thanking me for the pictures I had sent him. He has never before thanked me for that sort of thing. When we had our huge unpleasant conversation in July, he texted me right after to thank me for meeting with him. On July 3 we had a big argument. The next day he sent me a 4th of July card. Try not to read too much into it. Just part of the push-pull dynamic.

OwnIt #2775822 01/18/18 08:32 AM
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Surv1ve, I don't think I've had any experience with baiting. My H is so passive and lazy about everything sometimes I wish he could be just a little crazy!

Has everything gone quiet with ex/OM?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2775861 01/18/18 11:21 AM
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Hi coly!

I wouldn't say that it's quiet w EX/OM but the intensity seems to be gone. He sent me a credit card statement (we still share finances) and he had recently paid his L another $2500. I did my part of financial disclosure (draft) in early December. I would say we are civil and good coparents but the intensity seems to be gone. I'm not getting a giant blame fest that I am aware of.

EX/OM also gave me a really thoughtful and gorgeous very "me" Christmas present. I cried a whole bunch because it was so confusing. Like, it came with a letter that was so full of love but in everyday life he doesn't act as if he cares about me. When he asked me how I was doing, I expressed my confusion because rhis present can only comw from someone who loves me. He just nodded yes.

So, I don't know what's up with him. He is still going through puberty and is communicating much more clearly about his needs and wants and thinks testosterone has done that. I then wonder if he's stop blaming me for failing to misread his invisible needs... or actually lying when I directly asked.

Every once in a while, he softens towards me and expresses a willigness to actively work on our relatuonship (like to be warmer) and then he gets mad at me about something and closes down all the way. When I got the financial disclosure request from OM, I separared any actual joint accounts or credit cards. He shut me out. And before that, it was my deciding I was done having areas of the house that are off limits to me. I can't regret either of those decisions.


BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Every time I pull away, my stbx gets does nice things for me. This used to get my hopes up. But as long as OM2 is in the picture, it means nothing. Here’s a q I’ve been thinking of asking you but have been afraid to ask. My stbx says she loves two men at the same time but I don’t want to be in a three way R so I am walking away. She doesn’t know why I won’t go along with her wishes and be friends and have sex while she is with someone else. You must have seen this movie before. Any advice?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2775904 01/19/18 12:59 AM
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I haven't read your sitch from the beginning, but these are my generic thoughts.

The short and sweet: Nope! H@ll, no. And, again, not a chance.

As a queer person, I know lots of folks who are queer and lots of people who are poly/non-monogamous and those two communities overlap. I have seen SEVERAL people in long-term monogamous relationships (10+ years) experience a sudden demand from one partner to open their relationship. I mean, if you're monogamous but share spaces with poly communities, in the early throw of an MLC, it probably looks pretty tempting to just open the M. But, of course, even if the spouse agrees, if someone is in an MLC, they're going to find something else to go batsh@t about. In some cases, the spouse has gone along and in other cases the spouse has not agreed. In all four cases I am thinking of, it proceeded the imminent explosion of the relationship.

I mean, also, I am assuming your STBX has been typically MLC cruel and heartless rather than ethical in her considerations of opening her relationship.

And, when I read your stich, it seems like it goes fundamentally against your principles. No matter what it was, I would recommend against pretzel'ing and handing over your values in order to keep your partner. She doesn't respect you, and if you bend over on something important to you that wasn't part of your initial M agreement, then you will both lose respect for you.

Last edited by job; 01/19/18 06:58 AM. Reason: edited several words

BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016
H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM
BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT
me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37
D 10, Son 7
M to H = 20 years
EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Thank you. Cruel in the “I’m going to be with OM whether you like it or not. Let’s have an open m” kind of way...yes. I appreciate your perspective.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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