I'm just enjoying a quiet day at work and catching up on the boards and reading my friends' thread. Hello to new folks!
Last edited by job; 07/30/1809:45 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread and changed thread subject line
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
I would love instructions or even the point to the pre-existing instructions I couldn't find last time I looked =). Thanks for your help!
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
If you run into any trouble or have questions, please feel free to ask me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I never thought I would say this, but I am currently envying people who do not have to put up with their MLC spouse living in the house.
Sometimes, he is so sane and he toe-dips into emotional awareness and personal insight and seems to be taking responsibility for his emotions and caring about mine.
And, then, one day, bam, he does the same thing he always does... asks me if I'm okay when I seem to be upset and I answer him (4 sentences or less!) and he has a freak out. How do I not get lulled into this belief that he's going to be a perfectly reasonable human being? Like, I struggle so much with keeping my expectations at zero when he's been kind and thoughtful and responsive.
There are days when I wish I didn't have to put up with him and his unpredictability, his wild mood swings, his nonsense.
I don't want to bear the full burden of running a household on my own. I want to Stand for my marriage. I want to be a person who makes it through to the other side, marriage in tact. I realize that my H doesn't seem to be AS batsh*t crazy as some other people's MLCs, and sometimes, I wish he was so that I could really, truly let go of the expectation that he treats me like someone he cares about.
HaWho, I seriously do not know how you managed for over 3 years of this. Sometimes, I want to burn the bridge and get on with it already. To be out of limbo regardless of the consequences. Sometimes, I want him to GO already.
And, I swear, when I feel that way, he KNOWS it. Because when I get close to my own breaking point of "I've had enough", he cleans up his act and says/does JUST ENOUGH for me to calm down. Like, he's not emotionally aware but he plays me like a puppet sometimes. Intentionally? No, I don't think so. But actually? 100%
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Hi Surv1ve, Well, my theory on that is this: when you've been in a longterm intimate relationship, each party knows the other, so well that it's instinct. My best advice is detach as best you can. That's the key, but so difficult.
xoxoxoxo
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, in the early days there was a certain tango we danced: it's the dance or distance and pursuit. Though yours seems significantly more in tune as he asks how you are doing.
My best advice? Try hard not to watch it all. It's hard to do in the beginning but once you begin to do, you get a morsel of sanity and some semblance of freedom from the lunacy.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I’ve been trapped in this dynamic for some time and I can’t take it anymore. I’m moving out in hopes of getting to a healthier place. You can only control you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I need to go back to reading and thinking about detachment. I am actually great when the Monster is out. But when he's been a guy I like and I slip into expecting that to continue, I get bitten.
Sure enough, I came home and he apologized for asking me if I was okay when he didn't have capacity to listen. He even said, "I was uncomfortable that you were having emotions and I tried to fix them into something I was more comfortable with. That's actually super controlling and it's all on me."
He said he feels like he SHOULD be the person who is emotionally responsive but he just needs to own that he often isnt and live with that rather than trying to be someone he can't be right now.
He talked about how stressful the holidays/our birthdays filled him with anticipatory stress and he knows is less aware when he's anxious.
So self aware sometimes but just as stuck as everyone else. Detachment, I must practice.
BD#1: "marriage is over" 9/14/2016 H in basement 24/7 with EX/OM BD#2: 3/20/2017 I plan to move out "soon" I LRT me: 42, H, 41, EX/OM, 37 D 10, Son 7 M to H = 20 years EX/OM moved in 10 years ago
Survive, can you check out marina7's thread on newcomers? She seems to be in need of some of help and isn't getting a lot of responses. She has a same sex relationship gone awry with some adopted children. I thought since you had that component with OM in part before the transition maybe you could offer her some advice. I have no framework for understanding what special considerations she might be facing, if any.
