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#2774606 01/09/18 11:51 AM
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Wonka Offline OP
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(((HaWho)))

I am so so SORRY to read of the latest developments in your sitch. Wow...truly bonkers!!!

Agree with all of the advice and golden nuggets proffered by the peanut gallery, I'd also like to offer my writing services to you that comes with a strong drink for you to tide you through this mess! wink

Below is a suggested draft email to H...please feel free to change it up as you see fit to suit your own style and preferences. You can use this or throw all of it away. Won't bother me one jot.

Mr. Loco,

I wanted to take a moment to collect my thoughts and get back to you.

First of all, I recognize that the marriage has not been working well for some time which greatly saddens me. As you can see, it is not that simple nor is it easy to dissolve a long-term marriage such as ours. When one takes into the consideration the division of assets we have accumulated over the years and the breakdown of the family unit, it is within my legal rights to retain my own attorney to advise and assist me in navigating through such a complex process.

From this point and on, it would be helpful that all matters related to the dissolution of the marriage are to be communicated through our own respective attorneys. This means that all communications related to the divorce proceedings, division of assets, and other relevant matters are to be handled strictly through our lawyers. This is the best course of action given the highly emotional nature of this process and I am going to insist that you respect my decision and my choice to retain my own lawyer. I know you feel differently and I respect that.

As for our children, I believe it is important that we continue in our parenting role as we have been doing over the last several months and I wanted to check in with you to keep our lines of communication open on this front as Mom and Dad. It is important that the kids have both of us involved in their lives as co-parents. I know that we both want to be there for them as you know that they are our greatest blessings.

Thanks for your understanding during a challenging time as this is obviously a new territory for all of us in the family which cannot be easy at all.

Take care,
HaWho

Wonka #2774607 01/09/18 11:55 AM
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Brava!

OwnIt #2774611 01/09/18 12:17 PM
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HaWho,

Listen my friend...I am going to give you the most important advice that I want you to remember by here as you move on to the next juncture in your journey. I am passing on some hard-earned wisdom that's directly borne from my own personal experiences.

The person who is calm, centered, and grounded ALWAYS has a leverage over the nutty ones.

Whenever there's a battle to be fought (or 'discussion'), it helps to do breathing exercises (Tia Chi is one good example) to ground yourself and then take on whatever needs to be done.

Whatever you do, do NOT get into arguments with H. I know you know this, but bears repeating to emphasize it here.

You got this, girl....and how you cannot with this fabulous team on/at your side?!! cool

Chin up, HaWho.

OwnIt #2774612 01/09/18 12:28 PM
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OMG - started crying when I saw the reach out Wonka. And so happy that I did not have to take the time to start a thread right now and pick a name and all that. Thank you. And thank you Ownit, Job, Ginger, KML, Andrew and anyone else I just missed for the advice from my last thread. Cannot tell you how thankful I am for the support.

Wonka - I am going to write it to him exactly as you've written it once I obtain a lawyer. I know this will be ugly. Today when I asked the accountant for the older returns h sent me a text merely saying that he approved the accountant giving them to me. See that? The control there? As though I have no right to returns I signed on? That is what this whole process will be. And because he has zero common sense right now he thinks his way is the sane way.

Then he emailed me saying this accountant knows his dad and now his family probably knows and his mom is old so it's not good for her to know yet. And there comes the guilt. So his accountant gossips with family members? Lots of control issues coming out. Even weirder? He's worried about his mom but think this will not affect his kids? Sure.

I merely said that yes I wanted copies and cannot access those as they are locked in his room. He said "you just need to ask me and I can help." Bizarre given the angry rant he wrote me hours earlier where he said I would be zero to him if I did not respond by 9PM. And yeah, don't think I'll be emailing you my playbook.

Job, as for h's lawyer, h wanted me to go there and get the papers myself. I asked him to mail them via certified mail because I did not want to meet his lawyer at all. A) lawyer (rightfully) probably does think I'm a moron as who would marry someone who wrote that gibberish legalese? And B) I was worried he'd try to probe me on my thought process and then report back to h.

So now they are being mailed. Nice and simple.

And yes, Job, I do want to ask him what the big rush is. Initially he said he couldn't take one more second in that room.

As I have said, I am ready to part ways. Mostly I feel like I am sneaking out a window from some crazy person's dungeon. But, boy oh boy, am I so heart broken for my kids. The idea of seeing them 50% of the time makes me hurt. The idea of their worlds being shattered is tough. I hope KML is right and maybe it will be easier than I think. Like Ownit said, the stronger I am the better they'll be.

Thank you all. Special thanks to Wonka for the ready made letter. The only change I'll make? Instead of addressing him as "Mr. Loco," I may go with "Mr. Bean." Man, that letter he wrote was something else.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2774613 01/09/18 12:36 PM
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HaWho - you have been at this a long time, but now you're in a new and very heightened phase. Do your very best not to think ahead further than one week. Do your very best to take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.

Take as much time as necessary to figure out what you want. You cannot negotiate anything unless you know what you want.

You may want to consider setting up counseling for the kids. It's the one thing I wish I'd insisted upon, and held up everything to get exh's cooperation on it.

When you don't know what to do, do nothing.

Keep an exercise program and basic daily routine for yourself.

We are here for you honey. You got this xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Wonka #2774615 01/09/18 12:47 PM
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Winks - you're a great writer but I have to disagree. I think the best tactic AT THIS MO

bttrfly #2774617 01/09/18 12:48 PM
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Wow, great advice Bttrfly. And thanks for recommending the forensic accountant. I am going to talk to the lawyer about that.

And yes, h will never agree to counseling for the kids but I like the idea of writing it in and negotiating that into the deal.

Thank you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
kml #2774618 01/09/18 12:50 PM
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Wonka Offline OP
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Hiya, Ellie!

Originally Posted By: kml
Winks - you're a great writer but I have to disagree. I think the best tactic AT THIS MO


Then show me. What are you thinking? What is this "best tactic" are you referring to here? Maybe I missed it somewhere...

xx

kml #2774619 01/09/18 12:54 PM
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Sorry Wonka, that wasn't finished!
You're a great writer but I think TACTICALLY, the best approach in this situation is emotional aikido. Make him think she is going along with things, isn't stalling but just wants to make sure the paperwork will hold water. THEN once she has response from her lawyers to give him she can refer him to her lawyer as needed. But playing along with him for present, making him think she's going along with things is likely to cause less resistance. (Guys like this often are unreasonably worried they'll be "taken to the cleaners" and of course, want the "zipless divorce a la Erica Jong's Fear of Flying).

Reality will hit soon enough. No need to stir him up yet.

Wonka #2774621 01/09/18 12:59 PM
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Ellie,

The way I see it, the letter accomplishes several goals in one fell swoop:

-H needs to calm the f*ck down!
-H needs to realize that HaWho is no pushover
-H needs to recognize that HaWho is entitled to her own lawyer
-H needs to be slapped into reality that there are kids involved--aka get his head out from his own a@@--no telling which 'head' we're talking about here- (from what I've read so far, H has a tunnel vision on HaWho in all of his communications with her...with nary a peep of concern for the kids)
-and put the brakes on this crazy-moving train a bit


I am thinking that you may have some other angle that we hadn't thought about there and I'd love to hear it, Ellie.

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