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Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Thank you Dawn.

Perhaps 2018 is the year we might meet?

V


Wouldn't that just be smashing, Lady V? I am sure we would have some stories to share. wink


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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RD, thank you for your kindness dearest Internet bruv. Always considerate and kind, I concerned for a very long time that you would stay attached to WW forever. When you disclosed that you had a lovely lady in your life I cheered and fist bumped the air.

You probably heard it in Dublin!

And such a lovely lady so in tune with RD..

So so pleased.

I have been alone now since Feb 14, yes I know the G didn't leave until May 15 I avoided him and we had no connection other than the abuse. And I moved out of the big house in June 14, yet still the abuse considered at an unprecedented rate.

The verbal abuse about my appearance appeared to me to get true, so as a result of steroids and that wretched tooth, finally had the drain out yesterday. My jaw has had to be rebuilt because of collapse due to my infection.

I felt as he described me, I bought it. All of it and I still have flashbacks and I have started dancing again, it's jive so it's partner dancing. Sometimes I don't turn up until 10:30 when the dance finishes at midnight. Other times I can't leave the house at all as I can't find something that looks good. My hair is very thin indeed and I am very self conscious about that too. I had a minor operation on my bladder as I had disintegrated stones trapped causing infection. It is likely the infections were as a result of sex with the G as they haven't happened since. And I am concerned that restarting an R might start that cycle again.

My finances are awful, I am as close to bankruptcy as I can get and won't be solvent until I sell the big house, which isn't happening as the market is flat for houses of this type. Paying off my L will easensure my mind a great deal too.

I think aged pa dying and the grief has set me back.

It was worth having the D and also having a trial because I now know and can never unknow the unvarnished truth. That in itself makes me fearful of any new R.

Ginger1, I understand what you are saying and empirically it makes sense. I just don't feel it. I do tell myself what the G said was nonsense, untruth and that I should detach, but I haven't done so.

I am detached from him, from that R and the thought of the G being near me repels me. Completely and I would love to pay him off and then enforce the non molestation Order. The best thing that could happen is that he reconciles with the BIT and that they marry. He stays in Italy. I fear they have split up as the G is still in the UK. The BIT birthday was a couple of days ago and they weren't in the same place and they are usually in the Caribbean for her birthday at her holiday apartment there. The cheques I sent him are in a post office in Italy, REJECTED by the resident.

I want to be free, my L paid off and the G completely out of my life. I have another hearing in March and the G is saying he wants his cash. He would like to make me bankrupt, which he can't for marital debt of course. However the Judge could decide to enforce the house sale at auction which I don't want to do. I would rather wait until the market recovers which of course it will. These things are cyclical.

So with these stresses I feel unworthy and that brings me down. At almost 64 I should be enjoying life with the future in front of me. Still it is as it is, I live each day as it comes.

A wise friend told me recently that with the fins you reach a point of comfort, you have enough and adapt. Another told me that being broke was part of the LBS condition, more so with a wayward and it's true. Even more so with an abuser.

I was lucky I managed to get the S before 5 years so the 50:50 split doesn't apply with premarital assets. However WH argued his premarital assets, proceeds of the house he sold, his pension, his redundancy were used in the M. The judged agreed even though it was the G that gambled them 820k. So now he has a slice of mine as of course I kept working, was building, paying down mortgages, building a business.

That seems unreasonable to me.

This is a vortex which creates drag bringing me down.

My dearest Internet friends without the support here I doubt that I would still be around to fight. I was very very lowell indeed in very poor health, diabetes, weight and mental state poor. In fact in May 14 I had a minor heart attack warning, just before my 60 birthday, that was when I knew everything had to change and I lurked here until I eventually started to post. Even at that point I was still set on saving my M. Even despite all the abuse and damage. I gradually learned the impossible and the NC became permanent. The first steps to piecing myself not my M.

I have literally saved myself with the support of a wonderful group of peeps on this board. RD was posting with me through the darkest night I had when my abuse counsellor told me that she could no longer counsel me. That was the abuse was so bad that she felt unable to cope, that was from the UK largest counselling unit. From that point I was helped by a domestic violence unit, indeed I have taken the Freedom programme 3 times. I have a counsellor who is a volunteer and she herself was a domestic violence abuse sufferer.

I still have support although I am no longer a high priority.

The damage persists.

I can not thank you enough RD and Ginger1 together with everyone who posts how important your support has been to me. How grateful I am to have such wonderful peeps in my life. Even if we met through this awful deal of the hand.

I do still blame myself and fear my heart is permanently broken.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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My dear V

To resist the onslaught that these people aim at you requires an almost superhuman effort. I once heard it described as standing in front of a nuclear explosion with only a paper bag for your defence.

They are so sure of everything, and you are the one that doubts everything...it's no wonder it's all so difficult. And it's no wonder that the effort required is so constant, when it would seem like such a blessed relief to cave into it all.

Well, you have survived and you are here because deep down there is the tiniest, hardest, indestructible belief that you wanted to survive, that you weren't done with life, that you had more life to live. That my dear, is self belief and self worth right there. And on that, the rest of you stands. Be proud of that.


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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Lady V,

My heart hurts reading your words, but while you thank all the wonderful people here who have helped you, I think you don't even realize how many YOU have helped. You are a beacon of hope and strength to many, for having dealt with an awful, nasty situation with your head held high and coming out on the other side with your dignity intact and your fight still there. You might not see it, but believe me, dear lady, you ARE a fighter and it shines through in your posts. You are an amazing lady and I can only hope that I face difficult situations in my life with half the class and sass that you have. Molly and I don't even know you in real life, but we love you just the same because you are our hero. Much love and tail wags from us (hugs from me, tail wags from Moll). wink


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Originally Posted By: Dawn70
Lady V,

My heart hurts reading your words, but while you thank all the wonderful people here who have helped you, I think you don't even realize how many YOU have helped. You are a beacon of hope and strength to many, for having dealt with an awful, nasty situation with your head held high and coming out on the other side with your dignity intact and your fight still there. You might not see it, but believe me, dear lady, you ARE a fighter and it shines through in your posts. You are an amazing lady and I can only hope that I face difficult situations in my life with half the class and sass that you have. Molly and I don't even know you in real life, but we love you just the same because you are our hero. Much love and tail wags from us (hugs from me, tail wags from Moll). wink


Your post helped me cry.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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V

You are a seriously smart lady and I owe you something of a Surfer insight. I am no didactic but I know what I know and that is this. Your heart can only be permanently broken if you let it be broken. It won’t be. Don’t let it be V. Your are a tough lady. Chin up love. Jog on.

There are some people that just deserve a big hug. That’s you my friend - a smart didactically blessed LADY! You are a tough cookie. But sometimes you need to know you are special!! You have really helped me, and for that - I thank you! You are a very special person (to me)!

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
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DBIng4/2016




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Hi Lady V , i think Dawn70 said it all, you helped me for such a long time that i could never repay you and i can't wait to meet you in the real world. I read you kind and compassionate words on here and often wonder if you realise how much of a difference you make to people.

As for your fool of an ex , his description of you was a means of control and only for your generous and caring heart you would have seen it. Self image is a tough one, i see people who see themselves completely at odds with how they look and who they are but they will not be told. You are a fantastic catch for some lucky guy and you need to believe that. Keep on believing in yourself and your goals will be achievements.

Thank you for being Lady V.

Take care , Rd

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This type of abuse is so so so damaging. I am sorry that you are dealing with the after affects. I think marital abuse is especially hard because we trusted. And then it becomes hard to trust because we trusted wrong. Like we failed to protect and preserve our self. And its dangerous to trust our judgement.

At some level we failed at recognizing deceit and that is scary. As a result we were hurt.

The one thing I do see in your writings is that while you recognize the verbal insults and abuse your ex threw out at you, I am not sure that you recognize the verbal insults you seem to throw at yourself. (thinning hair, your weight) I do this too. But I think this might be a better resolution. Instead of focusing on the weight, to speak nicer to ourselves regardless of not being perfect. Seriously, if I never met you I would never have believed you to be the stunning and youthful woman you really are, based on the way you write about yourself...So what is your inner self picking up?


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Dear V,

You have no idea how beautiful and strong you really are. As many have said, you have been a rock to so many of us on this site.

I wish I could hug you to give you a bit of comfort. Keep cleansing those negative things around you and fight for what you deserve.

Know that you are respected and loved.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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What a lovely post J5k

You know that you are a man and a dad I admire very much. You and your bairns are often in my votive. That you have the strength and resources to enjoy your boys.

So I return that respect and love, you damn well earn every ounce of it.

Thank you

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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