Working through recon. Life is full of mountains

[SteveLW]

BAM this is it right here. FOr those of us that have moved on to recon, staying diligent to solidify our changes is mandatory. Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

I think this is true for all of us, recon or not.

I stand corrected! You are so right Davide, thanks for point that out.

[Jim1234]

Joe, that's awesome! Congrats, and thanks to you and Steve for showing the rest of us the way!

[neffer]

I’m really happy you are doing good jj. Really happy. I finally managed to write my sitch so many of the questions you asked me sometime ago are answered there.

Just keep the onward and forward going man! I’m glad you wrote your update. Good to hear from you!

[joejoe1]

I have been wanting to make this post for a while now. Just been very busy.

I see a lot of DBers working for recon. Well let me tell you, recon isnt any easier than seperating. I have wanted to walk away quite a few times since my W and I recon. I'm not saying this to be braggy
I'm presenting a very honest and humble post here. Initial recon felt good, but after a few weeks I started questioning every aspect of my M, relationship with my W and my life. And as time went on I started to realize that I hadnt fully healed yet and I still haven't. Healing takes hard work no matter the direction life takes you after BD.

I need every DBer to understand that healing must take place before growth. You cannot grow without healing.

My W and I M is a totally different relationship and M. Not bragging, but we had sex 4 times last weekend. We flirt and kiss, hug and we are truly intimate with each other, the level we are at with intimacy far surpasses what we had pre BD. We watch each other wipe our butts, she tells me most of her thoughts and feeling and I tell her mine. We get into arguments, bit now we have the tools to work through ths issues. And we are still learning tools.

She has shown me she loves me, last week she drove half way across town to bring me my debit card and lunch and the very next day we got into an argument and I needed to get off the phone because I was upset, we were both driving going to different places, she came and found me and jump out the car to hug me. She goes out of way to show me she cares. She considers me and has made me a priority. I thank and love her for that.

With all that I still doubt her, why, because I still have healing to do. No matter the outcome, healing must always come before you come out the other side. There is no easy way, no shortcut, no recon that will change or push along the healing process.

My W and I are on two different healing journeys. I have asked her all the questions I can imagine up, I have probed and poked, and none of her answers satisfied me the way I wanted (and I feel her honesty and sincerity in her answers). My journey is learning How to let go of the past and move forward. My W cant help me with that, my healing is mine's to work thru and her's hers to work thru, I now know that. We have grown, but we have so much growth to go.

We have four boys to raise and I hope GOD see it fit to keep us working together in love for his sake and our family sake. There are no guarantees in life, just faith and hard work. Keep the faith and work hard DBers.

Keep your head up DBers. It's hard work all around for us.

Hope each and everyone of you all enjoyed y'alls labor day. I'm off to count some sheep.

[joejoe1]

Well, I finally have a little time to provide an update.

The Wife and I are doing good. We still have our moments, we had one last night, I've been having a lot of triggers lately. So I sat down and discuss them with my wife, she got defensive and said she has told me these things over and over. She also told me, she doesn't think I'm ready to move forward with this M. I told her, the choices we made in our M had consequences I informed to her that she might not be ready as well. Because she was going to have to deal with me in the capacity of having questions until I'm properly healed (this was a selfish comment on my part). We left it at that last night.

We woke up this morning and talked it out. We love each other very much. But we both realize that there will be moments of insecurity because we are human. I think my wife realize that more than I do.

Our everyday lives are normal. I go to work and she stays home and takes care of our boys. What has changed is when I get home I help out with the boys more and she works to show me that I'm a priority to her.

Something, I want to do or try to do, is give my W point of view as I understand it. I think this can help future LBSs.

My wife is working hard to prove to me that she is all in on our M. She tells me all the time she is not walking away from me or leaving me. She felt as though I didn't care or love her. She calls the A, a shallow fling. I disagree, but who cares. She sees, her A, as more of she hated me and didn't want to be around me anymore, she couldn't stand to be around me and I disgusted her. All her respect for me was gone, and she saw me as less than a man, and she saw me as a man that couldn't protect her, not from a fighting standpoint, but from a have her back standpoint. Which means, when she's having a hard time with the kids, I step in and help out. She has groceries in the car, I help get them. She wanted me to be the man and not a selfish child. And that how she saw me most of our M, before BD.

This past week and weekend was rough. She came and held me and told me that people argue and disagree, and I shouldn't get so upset about certain things. She is right, I still have my wall up and I'm ready to be hurt. I still have anger, resentment, and doubt. She has moved pass all of it, and It leaves me wondering, what am I doing wrong. She forgives/forgets fast.

Let me also say, my wife and I, both came to an agreement that we didn't get married for all the right reasons. We jumped into the Marriage because she became pregnant, and she thought she would grow to love me, but we didn't fully know each other before we tied the knot. At BD she told me she was never in love with me. Now she is saying, she loves me, but she is not in love with me, but she feels herself growing closer to those feelings. She tells me she wants to be around me all the time now, and she is starting to enjoy our life.

Are we in the clear no. Are we working to making our M stronger yes? Are there guarantees in life no. The one thing I can say is life is filled with uncertainties. We can't predict the future, we put so many "just in cases" in our lives that we don't know what to do or how to feel when there's isn't one available. Those, "just in cases" are insurances, home, car, health, flood, renters, and all kind of other insurances. Warranties, for all kind of things. Retirements. But there is no certainties for life and the complex beings we are. We are given a finite time on this Earth and then we die. That's the only guarantee. Marriage, life, nor a spouse is guaranteed. So work to be happy, no matter who you are with or where you are in life.

I have driven myself mad trying to always have an answer, but sometimes the answer is there aren't any answers. I hear people say live life with no regrets, that's stupid, without regrets, there wouldn't be growth. I say live life pass regrets. Don't give up on yourself to allow others a chance at being a part of your life and you will be alright.

My Marriage was DBed, but the work hasn't gotten any easier, I have even been miserable on days. The whole time while I was DBing, I thought to myself I will be the happiest person in the world if I get my W back. Well, that hasn't always been the case. That was a feeling for those moments. I still have a lot of healing to do and self-reflection work.


LBSs, keep y'all heads up. Keep your chest held high and love yourself hard.

M:34 W:34
T:9 M:8
S14, S10, S7, S2
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.

[Davide]

Joejoe,

Thanks so much for the update. It is truly invaluable for many of to hear how hard R is even when both parties want it to work. Your honesty and openness are greatly appreciated.

It seems like so much of the success of any R, a new one or the old one, is predicated on individual, personal growth. If we aren't in a good place for ourselves we can't be as loving a partner for any spouse. You are walking on the right path and illuminating the way for many others. Like you said, this work of personal growth is never-ending, but it is the only way.

Best of luck with everything. There are no guarantees but the honesty and ability to communicate effectively between you and your W bode well. Trust the process.

[ovrrnbw]

Joejoe,

thanks for the update. You've helped me quite a bit and I'm happy to hear of progress you've made. It [censored] to hear what I knew... The words sting when you read them, but I know that even if you do save the MR, there's so much pain to work through. None of this is easy.

I'm glad you're here.

[neffer]

It takes time JJ. There are ups and downs but, like you say, it´s onward and forward ultimately. Be patient.

[BluWave]

joejoe,

Thank you for updating. I am glad that you two remain on the path together. I can relate to so many points in your post. I don't update often, because I am not sure what to update. Yes, we sort of carry on, but it can feel quite boring and uneventful at times. Other times I self doubt because I continue to cycle back to the same negative thinking, which does not feel like progress.

You mention that you still have triggers. I think that is okay and to be expected. The trauma is significant. I believe they will continue to fade over time. My H has been back 3.5 years and the triggers have lessened significantly. I am also allowing myself to more see things that were not right in the M before this happened, as opposed to the sitch alone. The triggers can distract from the original M issues, because with the triggers, then our minds become focused on that one time period.

I really appreciate the changes you are both making.That is what this is all about. Slowly making positive changes and creating better habits. These are some of the sliver linings and how we can create a better M than we had before.

This past week and weekend was rough. She came and held me and told me that people argue and disagree, and I shouldn't get so upset about certain things. She is right, I still have my wall up and I'm ready to be hurt. I still have anger, resentment, and doubt. She has moved pass all of it, and It leaves me wondering, what am I doing wrong. She forgives/forgets fast.

I know exactly what you mean. Sigh. I feel the same way. My H DBs by nature and not even having learned it here. I have to work really hard at this stuff. Also, I think our wounds might be deeper than there's. We were not the ones that left the M.

I have miserable days too. Still. You are not alone. This is more than a process, it's a new life, and I don't know how long it will take to settle in entirely. I am not even sure where I am at today with it all.

I wish you guys the best. Thank you for the update :-) Keep coming back. I want all the newbies to see that this is no easy path.! Of course we only want them back when they are gone, I did too, but when they are back, it's a different, confusing, and possibly longer journey. There are no simple rules or recipe for this part.

Blu

[joejoe1]

It's been on my heart to write this. I have read over this multiple times.

I'm a LBS or rather was a LBS. And when I got the BD I was doing all the wrong things. I ran around my city looking for answers. Asking every person I saw that I trusted what should I do.

I searched the internet exhaustively, looking for support and answers and I finally came across this life saving forum.

Were all my answers here, No. But a lot of the support I needed was, because of the life altering events that we were all living thru. I lived to read a post from Vets, helping me wade my way thru my sitch. Their responses brought me comfort and hope. I continued to read as much as I could about marriages in destruction and the same things came up just in different terms. Allow no disrespect, don't beg, plead, or show weakness, don't pursue, be patient and give space. These are the themes and pillars of a LBS. Out all of the pillars, respect carries love into eternity.

Can a person truly pay respect if they don't have any?

Respect cost, does a person with no respect for another truly love another. IMO, NO! Respect is not something that is just handed over freely, it's earned. It's action oriented. If a person is disrespected and the person who does the disrespecting is not confronted then respect is lost.

In order for a person to once again begin to love they must first begin to respect. In order for another person to respect another, that other person must respect themselves first. The longer the disrespect continues, the more the respect currency is lost.

But, in order to gain respect, it only takes one brave act, one act to show that disrespect won't be allowed. That act doesn't care what the reaction of the person doing the disrespecting is going to do. The only thing that matters is that the disrespecting stops. Once the disrespect is stopped, there are only two options, to respect or to distance ones self. But guess what, the distance option is a form of respect as well.

When faced with disrespect the right decision to be made, is first am I being used/disrespected. Why am I saying No or Yes. Am I saying "NO" to be mean or am I saying no because it's not conducive for me at the moment. Am I saying "Yes" because I think it will get my Spouse back or am I saying "Yes" because it's actually the right thing to do?

See, respect has nothing to do with being mean or nice. Has nothing to do with hurting another. It's all about a person, not crossing the clearly stated boundaries you have set. Repsect is one person acknowledging that they won't cross your LINE, because they understand you won't TOLERATE them if they do.

Most LBS allow line crossing/disrespect because we don't want our WW/WS to leave us, but the irony/rub is the more/longer they line cross the further away they go. If you want them to ever come back and STAY, STAY is the key word, Respect must be there. The more respect they have the less likely they are going to leave.

So the first steps in winning a Spouse back, is stopoing all the actions that show lack of respect and love for oneself (begging, crying, pursuing). Next start loving and respecting yourself. Next GAL, 180s, and detaching (not to escape, but too heal). Lastly allow no other to disrespect you and for all those that do, show them with action what doing so entails.

The purpose of DB or hope for a WW isn’t ruining their life, it’s leaving them alone and letting them see you grow and become stronger. It's Karma job to teach lessons, it's a LBS job to heal themselves.

M:35 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.