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A Message from Michele
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Working through recon. Life is full of mountains #2771543
12/15/17 03:14 PM
12/15/17 03:14 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
Member
joejoe1  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2771545
12/15/17 03:50 PM
12/15/17 03:50 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
Member
joejoe1  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
Update,

Recon is hard as hell.

My wife is really invested in our M and making it work.

She wants to get through all the work needed so we can get to a healthy M.

We went to MC on Wednesday and it was good. The counselor talked about herslef a little to much, but we IDed some areas we need to work on. Trust, being nice to each other and being supportive to each other.

We have been getting ready for Christmas around the house and we communicate a whole hell of alot better. When a arugment seems to arise we both step back and listen to each other and get to the bottom of the problem.

But heres the problem. And I know people would die to be in my place, but my emotional state is all over the place. Some days I want to run and start all over.

I tell myself I want to not work on trusting a person. I want it to just be there (unrealistic I know). I just want to hide some days. I have to constantly remind myself we didnt get here just because of her actions.

I love my wife to death, but it's true that I do get feelings of maybe I deserve better, then I start to feel guilty. What, I feel guilty. The mountains we have to climb in life can be huge sometimes.

My W really sees us as coming out of this as a whole lot better couple. I want to feel that as well. I read about it all the time, how couples M become a hell of alot better after infidelity.

I also have read it can take up to two years to regain trust. Two years, wow!

My W and I are going to write up a text to send OM.

She has been really open about their R. But I still catch her in some lies about what they have done. She says she feels shame and disgusted with herself to think about what she did. I want every detail and she tells me going back to some of those details really depresses her. She don't fight or get defensive when we talk about it or I tell her she's lying. We don't talk about it much anymore.

She has a day planned for me tomorrow. I don't know where we are going its a surprise. I'm really looking forward to the time alone with her.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2771566
12/16/17 02:13 AM
12/16/17 02:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline
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Subitai  Offline
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S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
Glad you are noticing and dealing with the emotions. Listening to yourself and analyzing your feelings without just reacting to them is great! I have spent years hiding from my emotions and suppressing them.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: Subitai] #2771576
12/16/17 03:54 AM
12/16/17 03:54 AM
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 133
NY
N
Nrthman Offline
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Nrthman  Offline
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Joined: May 2017
Posts: 133
NY
You say you want to know everything... you know there was infidelity and your wife is slowly putting forward the whole story. I agree that if you need to have all the details she should provide them that being said if you want recon you may not want to have all the details. Itís a mental picture that will never go away. And letís face it our imagination can make things so much worse we tend to add our own twist to stories give by our W.

Good luck moving forward in.


M47 W45
S16 D18
M 25
BD January 17
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: Nrthman] #2771578
12/16/17 04:03 AM
12/16/17 04:03 AM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
N
neffer Offline
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neffer  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
I agree with Nrthman, jj. Do you really need to know many details?
IMHO the more you get the more you lose...

Winds are blowing man, sail!


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: neffer] #2771588
12/16/17 05:36 AM
12/16/17 05:36 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline OP
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joejoe1  Offline OP
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J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,111
San Antonio, Texas
Nrthman and Jeffery,

You both are right I need to let the summer go. My W has told me all I needed to know. I know she had an A. Don't need too much more than that.

Update 2,

W and I talked last night. I explained to her how I felt. I explained that I'm afraid of the future with her. I told her that the uncertainty is killing me.

She told me she wasn't going anywhere, she said it three times sternly. She grabbed and said she will be right here.

She told me that I was being unfair to her because me being uncertain is one of the reason she wanted to leave in the first place and she is trying hard. She wants certaininly like I want certainty.

I asked her again if she loved me more than the OM(she has told me this many of times, ibdont know why I keep asking). She expalined to me again she never loved him, but she was so mad at me and hated me so much, that she wanted to make herself love him. She told she wanted to love him but she couldn't, because of her love for me. She told me she understand she knows I constantly needs to hear assurance from her.

She told me if I felt I couldn't forgive her and let go of her A, let her know.

After that I needed time. I went in a room by myself. I had to really think through that comment. I prayed and asked for guidance.

She came to me and ask to pray for me. She did. I told her I need loyalty. She said we need love and patience with each other, that this process will take some time. I told her also need respect. She said she need all those things as well.

It ended with me feeling a lot better and her as well.

The mountians we have to climb in life.

Recon is hard as hell. Its no easier than trying to get them to come back.

Hard work ahead. Onward and forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2771595
12/16/17 06:27 AM
12/16/17 06:27 AM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
N
neffer Offline
Member
neffer  Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,085
Full forward. Set the sails!


WW H(me): 50
W: 46
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: joejoe1] #2771959
12/19/17 05:58 AM
12/19/17 05:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
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LITB Offline
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LITB  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
Joejoe,
I am not completely up to speed on your sitch and what issues lead to the demise of your M/R. My questions would be:

What is different now, then when the wheels came off your M/R?

Have you improved your relationship/communication skills with the time that you since BD?

How are you with your detachment?

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
You both are right I need to let the summer go. My W has told me all I needed to know. I know she had an A. Don't need too much more than that.

You probably know more than you want to you. Itís a good time to leave well enough alone, especially since the uncertainty is killing you.
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
W and I talked last night. I explained to her how I felt. I explained that I'm afraid of the future with her. I told her that the uncertainty is killing me.

You need to lead your W and your family out of this sitch. Do the best with the things that are within your control and let her follow your lead. Hopefully you have grown while becoming a member of this great community. If you have, you should be ahead of your W in this journey.

As you know, life is filled with uncertainly. That shouldnít stop you from moving forward. There are no guarantees my friend. Whether it works out or not, you can look back knowing that you did your best either way. No regrets.
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
She told me she wasn't going anywhere, she said it three times sternly. She grabbed and said she will be right here.
She told me that I was being unfair to her because me being uncertain is one of the reason she wanted to leave in the first place and she is trying hard. She wants certaininly like I want certainty.

She is telling you that she needs you to gain your confidence and be strong. Confidence is attractive. Thatís not what I am taking away from this post. How do you get there?

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
I asked her again if she loved me more than the OM(she has told me this many of times, ibdont know why I keep asking). She expalined to me again she never loved him, but she was so mad at me and hated me so much, that she wanted to make herself love him. She told she wanted to love him but she couldn't, because of her love for me. She told me she understand she knows I constantly needs to hear assurance from her.

UghÖ.stop this. This is not coming from a place of strength. She is with you, isnít she? Keep asking questions like this, and I can assure you that things will go sideways again.

Originally Posted By: joejoe1
She told me if I felt I couldn't forgive her and let go of her A, let her know.

My interpretation: ďIf you want this to work, you need to work towards forgiveness. I will not live under these circumstances forever.Ē
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
She came to me and ask to pray for me. She did. I told her I need loyalty. She said we need love and patience with each other, that this process will take some time. I told her also need respect. She said she need all those things as well.

You need to earn her respect. Itís like trust. It is earned, not given.

Yes, you both need love, patience and forgiveness. There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
The mountians we have to climb in life.

IndeedÖ.you can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine. Itís amazing how motivated we can become when we are faced with a loss of something important.
Originally Posted By: joejoe1
Recon is hard as hell. Its no easier than trying to get them to come back.

For sure. Donít let the temptation of throwing your Wís sins in her face when things are challenging with her. It will serve you no good purpose.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: LITB] #2771998
12/19/17 09:32 AM
12/19/17 09:32 AM
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 467
Texas
J
Joe2017 Offline
Member
Joe2017  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 467
Texas
I know how it is wanting all the details. It is hard because you will always compare yourself to this other guy.

Please don't stop GAL. I can't imagine what my life would be like right now if it wasn't for this forum and the concepts here. GAL is holding me together and keeping me sane.

It is also teaching me a whole lot about myself, and how to become better.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Re: Working through recon. Life is full of mountains [Re: Joe2017] #2772016
12/19/17 12:44 PM
12/19/17 12:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
A
AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
Joe, it is very normal for a cheated on partner to know all the details of the A, and it is also normal for the cheater to want to bury it and never discuss it again. The two of you have to strike a balance there. Just understand that no matter what she tells you it's never going to be enough to satisfy you. At some point you have to let go and try to start rebuilding the trust.

And your lack of trust is also very understandable. It's great that the two of you are seeing a C, that will help. Just be patient with yourself as well as with your W, it will take a while to build the trust back up again. You're going to have your walls up a while, that's normal.

You are doing fine, recon is a slow process, hang in there!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
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