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A Message from Michele
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Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: peacetoday] #2746992
06/15/17 01:49 PM
06/15/17 01:49 PM
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: peacetoday
P

Really good point about growing older and coping with a hard to deal with H

and him getting worse because he didn't resolve his issues

You may have been saved from disaster

So Now, take good care of you, grieve cry heal
get support and breathe
it will be ok


Thank you smile


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: Gordie] #2748166
06/23/17 09:43 AM
06/23/17 09:43 AM
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Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
P, that is so heartbreaking to think h was changing and coming back only to be betrayed again...vent away...hope you have get the support you need...


Gordie, so sorry I missed you earlier. confused frown

Thanks for taking the time to post a reply. I really do appreciate it, as 'connections,' even through a computer monitor, makes one feel less alone during times of distress. So thank you again ... smile

It turned into a set up of some sort as the opportunities arose for him, but I'm moving on as best as I can (I may have a job opportunity soon - its not a big deal but its something if it works out!)

I hope that things are working well on your end!
p.

ps: Unlike when I first began here, I don't always have consistent internet & some things have gotten more challenging (so I am not able to frequent as I used to, but wish you all well until I return grin ).


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2771191
12/12/17 12:35 PM
12/12/17 12:35 PM
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Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi Everyone

Just dropping by to wish you the best for the holidays - Not always easy, I know, but wishing you all the best.

I haven't been here much and will not be, moving forward. My situation is challenging & time consuming, esp. in this economy (as so many can relate $) BUT (!!) I'm better. I feel different grin

It hard, but Im ok. I was told that someone observed me & x-h years ago at a party - & noted that he was "emotional bully," which quite frankly surprises me - but then again, when you in, you can't see.
I think much is this 'new' feeling, relates to feeling free to be myself no matter what - And in charge of MY life.

I want the newbies to know that it gets better, whether it works out or not (but I do hope that it works out for many of you!) smile

Again, wishing you the best for the Season, however you choose to celebrate. Hope that 2018 is better smile


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2771226
12/13/17 12:20 AM
12/13/17 12:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,486
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Happy Holidays to you as well. May 2018 be a far better and more promising year for you.

Stay in touch!

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: job] #2771424
12/14/17 12:10 PM
12/14/17 12:10 PM
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pbetra Offline OP
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Thank you Job - to you as well.
I will stay in touch from time to time. This forum was a life saver !

Originally Posted By: job
Happy Holidays to you as well. May 2018 be a far better and more promising year for you.

Stay in touch!


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2773837
01/04/18 10:24 AM
01/04/18 10:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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best wishes for the new year everyone re: whatever you are going through - lets hope that this year be will better for you all.

I never expected to be back here so soon BUT just wanted to throw something out there. venting too...

A little reveal ...
Child C, was due to visit xH. I was surprised to learn that the visit was NOT being looked forward to. C was depressed, even angry at times. I think it was the lack of control, not having a say. Been told that father will collect him at - etc.

This surprised me, as there is so much more (!) to do with dad, great restaurants - a better time. And although things have been slowly & minimally improving for me, they are still very challenging & difficult. I can't always afford the field trips or a night to eat out etc.

The visit to H didnt materialize in the end - it was almost as though the kid 'willed' the thing eek Anyway, it 'opened my eyes' to what I have to address in future re visitation. Meanwhile, H has no idea that due to being a little overbearing before, the discomfort has grown for C (i only learned of this recently). I think he needs to see his father but am not sure how to gently coax. i asked him,C to look for the good in the visit!

First its a level road, then suddenly (!) theres a sink hole
Since then, I have discovered that due to mixed up dates, the error was my fault. I may not have checked but all roads lead to H making the error as I pointed out - with txts & quotes. I had no idea that resentment was growing as he was blaming me again.

The problem is as before, the cruelty. I feel detached from H but why does it affect me? I no longer love him - i definitely dont like him!! He is dishonest & manipulates, lies. Whats to like?

And yet, I was affected. I got instantly stupid before being able to collect my thoughts to 'defend' myself .. It must be the 'the level of attack'. H's msgs started normally enough - two parents msg-ing re child. Then all went wrong eek & the insults began. Very DISRESPECTFUL, condescending ...

I repeated the facts (instead of being quiet) before ending the conversation. He is embarrassed re his faux pas which is why i was attacked. I know.

Keeping my eye on the horizon
At this time though, I need to continue on this (good), although unknown, road.
i don't need distractions - but they will come because we have a child together.

Are there alternatives to corresponding with H? Has anyone had a 'go between' work for them? I am considering avoiding ALL contact with him if this continues (2nd time after about 6 months). I need this time for myself (which is also a problem for H). It was alright for me to be ignored & isolated on his terms but now that I need the space, that too is an issue (but thats another story! )

Do I have to maintain contact with him? (just planning here) what do you do when you have children & must maintain contact with these 'ppl.'?

I am soooooo tired of this. Just when things seems to be working out, just a LITTLE.
I just dont need this.

Again, best wishes for 2018.
hope things work out just in the way you need ..
pbetra


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2773845
01/04/18 10:51 AM
01/04/18 10:51 AM
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Posts: 26,486
Southern Maryland
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I am so sorry that you are having some issues w/your xh. I wouldn't involve a third party. Why? Because your business needs to stay between the two of you and you certainly don't want the "he said/she said" business around town, even though you may trust the "third party".

The only contact you should have w/him is about the children or bills that he should be paying. You don't have to "maintain" contact w/him just to play nice...state your facts when it concerns your children/bills and leave it be. Document if he gets nasty and keep your emails and text messages and if it becomes too much, you may need to let your lawyer know about it.

If you are still allowing his actions/statements to get to you, then you haven't detached enough.

If you need time to yourself, then take it...you don't need to tell him that you are going NC...just do it. Actions speak louder than words. Answer he texts if they are necessary and/or an emergency or require an answer...otherwise, there is not need to respond to them unless you think you need to. Take back your control over your life. As long as he knows that he can get a reaction out of you, he will continue this behavior.

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: job] #2773964
01/05/18 07:45 AM
01/05/18 07:45 AM
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hello again job,

thanks for getting back to me & as always offering a concise look at the overall situation.

detachment
I woke today feeling better & you are right. There is no way that my detachment can be complete.
At first, I likened it to if someone insulted me badly (!) ... cussed me on a street corner - that would upset me.
In this case tho, it distracted me (!!), and although I felt 'ok' I guess- consciously (consciously numb? unable to process what was happening immediately), it was the reaction of my body that did the 'talking'!

In both experiences ( 1st - just under 6 months ago), when we communicated, the physiological reaction was one of 'anxiousness' /anxiety' ... until I could gage & gain some composure. And yet I felt 'calm enough' in my (conscious) head, although my body was doing its own thing. Strange - the anxiety

I didn't think about it re detachment & him, since I do not want him& I am soooo turned off!
His bullying temperament is still there with the one-way street (my way) attitude eek
Now that I have had time, can reflect, rebuild, I see that there was a threshold I dare not cross. That's NO relationship (And that too, is why even C does not "relax" with him).
However, there clearly is 'residue' re the detachment component ... & this has me thinking again.
( Peace of mind is sooo 'sexy' & very additive ) grin smile

3rd party & management re future contact
I will not involve a third party. I see what you are saying and am so glad I checked here in my moment of confusion.

I will also have to be more vigilant. I had stopped complete contact with him as I needed to focus on my new path. This probably upset him. The recent contact & the *one before, about *6 months both started well enough. So my guard was down because of time spent away from each other. Then out of nowhere, the 'jab' emerged. Again, he may be upset because i corresponded on my terms as I needed to (just as he did when he wanted to) ... he even got upset & insinuated at that *time that I'll "be in touch when i want the money"

Well, I figured if he doesn't know his responsibility, I can't remind him until things settle. He's an adult - this is something he should know!

Alone with Self-doubt
I never bothered him (I think he expected me to). I told myself that I would manage & others reassured me that I would be fine. I had absolutely NO confidence re this assumption, but moved forward anyway. I sacrificed much re myself but child, C, was taken care of. And was lucky to have a few really good supportive ppl later on.

Sooooooo that may also have peeved him in that he expected me to plead ... beg (due to desperation), but I didn't need to hear him anymore. And I really couldn't handle any crap & also as the holidays approached - I just wanted it to be special although it would be modest (& It WAS wonderful !!!)

I am trying to fill my world with GOOD karma ... (so he may have had it 'stored up' for me laugh ). Many can give what they can't take.

Documentation rules!
I will do as you suggested. Document. Its a great idea to document & more so re a lawyer if necessary in future, as you mentioned. Thank YOU job! I have even copied the msgs already (!!) & will continue if he choses 'to start civil & convert to cruel'.

Take care & thanks as always
pbetra


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2777070
01/29/18 08:33 AM
01/29/18 08:33 AM
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Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Hi there,

Possible?
I was wondering, Is it possible for H to return to "the tunnel" after all this time?

No Contact & Anger
I have the 'NC' approach re him. This seems to have made him VERY ANGRY recently - re *visit, below. It is as though he starts the day wanting to pick a fight (through txt msgs). He appears to be trying to find character flaws with me (to trap?? dunno ..)

I was told that because I 'moved on with my life' recently, that this angered him. He did not realize how much I moved on until not long ago.

*The Impromptu Visit & The Big 'Reveal'
i did not expect him. xh happily popped over one day without notifying me. He was a bit surprised. The 'new' problem started with that ...

We were not close of course, & more so since the separation as expected. Exchanged msgs when necessary. He was doing his thing & i was trying HARD as you know! laugh but that visit, revealing some differences in my life, changed much re him.
After the visit, he began initiating dialog (not interest - Im may still be too old! grin & of course this need to communicate was in "interest of child", c) - but I didn't respond as he wanted. i also did not accept a recent invitation because he still projects his mother's behaviour (should something happen), is consistently suspicious of me and punishes me for it. So I AVOID - i dont need it!!! He was persistent about that invitation & not happy about the 'no-acceptance' .

Weird
The persistence continued, and eventually he stopped (as I was not encouraging anyway). Recently though, the msgs are 'seething-raging'. Nothing to implicate himself, but he may be angry that I am not 'complying'. Something is very, very different. confused
He continues to get pity from a few people re what a b* Ive been & is really good with the lies. Clearly, very smart & charming.

Possible at this LATE stage?
Could that be possible tho? A return to tunnel at this stage?!!? eek Sometimes, i dont know why I feel that he's up to something. Its a strange, subtle but strong (anger) ... if that makes any sense


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2777099
01/29/18 10:40 AM
01/29/18 10:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,486
Southern Maryland
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Is it possible that he never left the tunnel? Sounds like he's still in replay and doesn't want "mom" to be too far away.

If your radar is up, chances are he is up to something...time will tell. Keep the focus on you!

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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