Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[joejoe1]

AS, thanks.

Sandi, how long did it take your husband to trust you?

[joejoe1]

Holding,

I will work to post more.

[sandi2]

I really don't know how long it took him. I don't know that it can be measured by weeks or months. I did every thing I could to show him I was no longer engaging in any type of activity I was doing previously. He would check the phone and computer history. He also had discovered my posts on the board and read some of them.

At first, I think the LBH feels somewhat anxious, which is understandable. They have that need to check behind the WW' activity. When he continues to find nothing, and her behavior is not suspicious, then he begins to relax a little more.

When my H saw me being transparent, and when my attitude, behavior and previous activity changed back to the W he M, then he began to feel safe. He saw the mountain of books I was reading, and what kind of books they were, (seeking help for myself and learning about the whole wayward wife package). I was no longer reading romance novels, but books that addressed my issues. I hid nothing, and I worked hard to earn his trust b/c I realized how stupid I had been to trash it.

He may have spot checked me from time to time, IDK. But here's the thing, Joe, I was sitting at home every night. I did not stop for drinks after work. I did not go for a girls' night out. And, I didn't have sleep-overs and take weekend trips without him.

The WW has to give her H something, you know? If he sees no changes in her activities, behavior, and attitude.........then he is going to have a rough time trying to trust her. And, why should he, if she's not trying to earn it back? If she does not value his trust, then she probably won't do much to help him feel safe in the MR.

[joejoe1]

Sandi,

Thanks, I asked because, I want to know how long to expect the ups and downs. She has been being transparent. She's been trying and she has been remorseful. I wanted to know for me.

I'm on a 4 day TDY for work at the moment. I read MWD chapter on infidelity. It's great information.

This is not an easy thing to go thru. When you DB all you want is your S back. They come back and they want in the M and now I go back in forth with wanting to stay and go. What a merry go round.

If you know of any tips I would greatly appreciate it. I guess time is the healer.

[sandi2]

Maybe another LBH can tell you more.

You may learn something from Squiggy's thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...632#Post2526632

[joejoe1]

Sandi,

Thanks for the link. I read Squig while thread. Our Sitch somewhat parallel each other.

Update,

W has been telling me ILY unprompted. We have been working on the house and taking care of the boys together. She is really invested in our future.

We have been spending a lot of time together. When are around each other we touch regularly. She has been working on fulfilling my LL. She touches and hugs me all the time. We talk about all kinds of things and we get very deep. We are working on becoming best friends.

She comes with actitives for us and not just her and the boys anymore.

I still make mistakes but she has been less dramatic about them and explains to me what I have done wrong and I do the same for her.

I'm still having trust issues. But this is to be expected.

Its crazy how we DB to get to this point and when we get here all the emotions come flooding back in.

Like is crazy. Without this forum I know I would never have gotten to this point.

Have to continue with life long DB.

Thanks all

[Jim1234]

Thanks for the update! I'm glad it's working out for you so far.

[joejoe1]

Jim,

Thanks.

[joejoe1]

Update,

My wife and I have been doing good. We communicate about things that bother us. We don't argue we discuss the issues.

I made it comfortable for her to talk about the A. I wanted to know what she gave the OM when it came to her emotions.

She told me that, she started to realize he was feeding her exactly what she wanted to hear. She said that the OM had his own problems and he started to become very unattractive. She told me when she first saw him(he was a ex from high school), she asked herself what was she doing. He didnt look the same, but she just wanted to feel good and get as far away from me as possible.

She told me she was trying to push me away and she wanted to hurt me for making her feel so horrible. She told me once she got into the A, she started to feel lost, but couldn't pull herself out. She started to hate me more because, she told herself, I pushed her in that direction.

After a while she started to see things in the OM that slowly started to make herslef question herself. (Her fantasy was fading)

Then, she started seeing a change me, she told me she never thought I could change, and that made her question herself more.

The last time I caught her talking to the OM, she said it was a relief, because she needed a way out(I dont know how to take this comment). She told me she started to think, if we were over, that I would move on quickly and she couldn't hanlde seeing me with OW. She told she would of went in a corner and hid. She would have to move away before she saw me with someone else.

She said her heart just start to change after I took leave for that one week in September and spent at home with her.

She said that week really made her question herself and her choices and her perspective about me. She was dead set that I was the person before I started DBing.

She is now telling me how she felt while dealing with the OM and she knew it would fizzle out no matter what happened between us. He wasn't attractive to her at all, but he gave her the emotional high she needed. She didnt want me to know nit of this during her A.

Now we are about to get tatts on our ring fingers. We are selling our old wedding rings and going to save up for new ones. She wants to do a new ceremony for our vows.

We have stated our boundaries. Things We are will accept and will not accept.

She says she feels like I will stand by her now no matter what. I making her feel like my queen. She feels like we are working on a strong foundation.

We have both done things that were against our vows. We are both working on our trust. We have a MC appointment hopefully next week, if we can find a babysitter.

We still havent had sex, but touch and kiss on each other a Lot. I told her I don't want our first time to be rushed and her looking over her shoulders because of the boys. So I'm holding off until the right moment.

I'm starting to feel like she is sincere. I have been holding a guard up. I think some form of a guard will be up from now on, but I can start to relax a little more now.

I like to give my W outlook/perspective. I hope it helps other LBS/DBers out there.

[TBSakaJ9]

Great to hear JJ......stay patient and make sure you continue to show her consistency with your actions so it is something she will continue to believe! Thanks for your update.