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mxdup,

Has your therapist actually evaluated your wife in person? BPD is a serious disorder; it's not a diagnosis that should be made from afar. I smell bovine excrement.

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mxdup Offline OP
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Evaluated? No. He has met her though. She came to the first two sessions back in June.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Why didn't he say anything about suspecting BPD back in June? It doesn't make sense.

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mxdup Offline OP
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I agree. He waited until I told him that she secured her apartment to reveal his thoughts about her BPD. I've seen the list of traits and yes she has some of them but so do lots of people without a fully diagnosed case of BPD. I honestly think he's just trying to get me to let her go and is looking for ways to push me into moving on. He has said for some time now that I will be much happier without her. When I tell him that's not what I want, he says things like "doing what you want is what landed you here".


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Posts: 51
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mxdup Offline OP
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It's official, the W is gone. Last night was the first night she slept in her apartment. While she said numerous things to me over the weekend about how this is temporary and she wants to come back, it was very obvious that's merely a backup plan. She bought all new everything for her place. This is a fresh start for her and she looking forward to it. I wish I was as excited about picking up the pieces of our former life but I'm not. She literally picked out the home I live in and all of the furniture in it. I cannot walk into any room and not be reminded of her absence.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
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mxdup Offline OP
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It's been a month since she left.

She visited once (last week) and told me how much she misses the cats, the house and everything we had. After that comment I asked her if she had given any thought to working on us. Her response was an ultimatum. "If you don't stop pressuring me, I'll choose to leave you for good and I know that's not what you want." I'm not sure how she expected me to take that but I interpreted it as she has no desire to return and she is just using it as some kind of bait.

I don't know how a person knows when they are done DBing but I am there. I just don't have any fight left. I no longer want the type of person who gives ultimatums in my life. So what if my beliefs prevent me from moving on. So what if she takes half of everything and I end up working until I die. I just simply can't do this anymore.

In other news I fired my therapist after months of him not really helping me grow. In our last session, he told me that he was happy that I'm moving on and am content with my life. I'm far from content and suck at this moving on thing too. Glad he was there to sit back and watch my life unfold but I need a coach, I can talk into a voice recorder.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Posts: 1,132
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Mxdup,

I want to ask a question, What do you think happens if you don't ask her if she has given any thought to working on you'll?

Stay strong. It's a marathon not a sprint. I'm glad you fired a person that you felt wasn't helping you. How are your GALs going?


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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mxdup - good to hear from you.

Why are you asking her about working on 'us'? There is no 'us'. There is no marriage. There is only 'you' and 'her'. let her go man.

What are you doing for yourself? You say you're at the end of DBing, but I don't know if I've seen serious DBing from you. You're still pursuing her from the last interaction. You're not content because you're not dropping the rope, starting to detach, and what is the news with GAL?

You don't need to 'move on' from her but you need to 'move forward'. You don't need to decide whether you're going to D or not right now.

You're far from content as you said. How can you change that? and that doesn't include W in the picture.

I am sorry if I am being abrasive, but your posts sound defeatist and fatalistic. Take back the control over your life and 'move forward'. Her moving out should make this even better as now you she's not in your face.

You said you fired your therapist because they weren't helping you grow. It sounds like you wanted your therapist to tell you what you wanted to hear about saving the MR. Not saying that your therapist is any good or not, but you're delegating your responsibilities to someone else. The therapist and IC are important tools, but they're not going to change things around for your completely - you have to do that.

You're not done DBing because you've not even truly started it. How about starting it today.


No one is coming to save you!

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Mxdup,

I agree with M, I don't think you have truly started to DB. Get back on the horse and saddle up.

I'm going to change my stance after reading M comment on your therapist. If you were expecting your IC to give the magic answer to fixing your M, then you are going to the IC for the wrong reasons. Your IC should be helping you fix yourself. When and If you get to recon, and marriage counselor will help you work on your M. I think you have to find a way to get healthier and happier for yourself. Then and only then will you have a chance to save your M.

Like M has said let's start DBing today.

Happy turkey day.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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mxdup Offline OP
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All of you guys are right that I have given up. I am simply tired of this whole DB/GAL charade. Over the past months I've met new people, tried new things, dressed differently, worked out, etc. The W could care less and none of this is making me happy. In fact all of it is driving me insane trying to be someone I'm not. The truth is that I'm significantly more miserable today than I was 6 months ago. I didn't just want the therapist to teach me how to get her back, I wanted him to teach me how to live without her. All he could seem to do was try to convince me that she was a POS, to divorce her and find a better replacement. He failed. I realize that she's not coming back. I also know that I will not replace her either. So what I need to know is how to enjoy life by myself again. The answer for some may be hanging out in bars becoming a pickup artist, but that is not for me. Someone mentioned that I sound defeated and I would say that is a spot on description. I'm just plain done, I have no fight left in me. She can have whatever the judge grants her. I just want to smile, laugh and enjoy life again.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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