XH has spent much of the time since BD (nearly 3 years) convincing me to sell the family home in a market that is as dire as it's ever been. At first I actively resisted, hoping that he'd come to his senses and see the light, and we'd be able to move back into it with our semi-independent children. Then, when everything went sour and we got divorced I resisted selling it a) because I was still emotionally attached and b) the market really is dire.
Last trip home (in February), XH informed me that he really, really wanted to sell the house so he could liberate some income to realise his dream of buying a big block of land in Nowheresville, Thailand. You may recall I posted about this dream and how odd I thought it was.
Anyway, recently the opportunity to put the house on the market came up at about the same time I came to a number of realisations about the house, my relationship to it and my fast-waning connection to XH. I was finally happy to free myself of it and all that it represented. It has not come without a lot of sadness, pain and lost sleep.
So, I got quotes for advertising, agents' fees, legal fees etc etc and let the property manager know that we did not need tenants. I sent XH all the info I had last night and let him know that we had to give the potential listing agent the order to go ahead with everything today (my time).
To complicate matters, the property manager (a hardy soul who doesn't give up easily) informed us both yesterday that he'd found potential tenants who were happy to sign a 12 month lease at a rent that whilst nowhere near enough to cover the mortgage was better than nothing. The rent is less than what we've been receiving for the whole time since BD, mind you, so I truly thought it would make no difference to XH's mindset - he's been wanting to sell up for ages.
I woke this morning to a text from him stating he wanted to take the tenants' offer and consider selling the house in 12 months time. I haven't had a WTF moment like this for 3 years! Does anybody have any insight into why he'd do such a 180?
There is really no telling why he's changed his mind. However, at times, when someone pushes and pushes to get a person to do something and that person continues to refuse to do it and then at some point changes their mind...that's when the person who has been doing the pushing will change up and want something different. In other words, you may have taken fuel away from his fire and he now has nothing to argue w/you about.
Now that you've made up your mind to sell...will you continue moving forward w/that thought or will you go along w/him and rent out the house?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can't sell without his agreement, so now I have to go along with him.
I asked him what made him reverse his opinion in the 24 hour period between saying he wanted to sell and then saying he wanted to hold. He told me he'd done some reading that suggested our market was going to improve. I found that odd, because that 24 hour period was spent flying and working, with very limited access to the internet. I'm guessing he'd reread a recent article we'd joked about in our local newspaper (written by a real estate agent in breathless hyperbole) imploring those who loved a bargain to 'get in quick before they're all gone'.
He had already dismissed this article when he told me he wanted to sell, but I guess it must've gotten to him. He likely decided he didn't want to be seen as a patsy who sold his family home at the bottom of the market. To be honest, neither do I, so I suppose I have my answer. It's pride.
So, the time limit for filing the consent orders for the property settlement has come and gone and guess what? We still haven't got consent orders.
I've ended up having to drive this whole thing. I organised the negotiations between us both, summarised our agreement, found the lawyer, worked with him on the first draft of the agreement, and now I'm issuing the reminders to get this done.
I've been nice. I've been patient. I've done everything required and requested. The lawyer and I worked overtime to get the draft agreement done in time to coincide with a visit XH (and young GF) made recently. He had informed me he intended to hunt for his personal effects in my storeroom whilst he was here, to which I agreed so I fully expected to be able to get his signature on the draft. I was ready and waiting and all I've heard is.....crickets.....
Unfortunately it appears he's too busy to actually get the orders completed. I have no idea why he won't take what is basically his design, and get the deal done. OK - that's not true. It seems obvious he really doesn't want to engage in any way, shape or form, so he just isn't.
A part of me wonders (maybe even hopes) if he wants to avoid finalisation because he doesn't want everything to be done, dusted and finalised. That he somehow wants to maintain a thread - something that he can use to work his way back to me if he chooses. How ridiculous is that????
He is one of those crisis people who stomps their feet when it comes to getting things done. He may have thought getting the paperwork done would be a clear snap, but he's come to realize that it's a lot of work. Now, he will let it sit and allow you to do the heavy lifting and then say that you drove the bus to finalize things. Your h's lack of willingness to complete the paperwork reminds me so very much of my xh. It's very frustrating.
I hope he'll get his act together soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job - but I'm truly perplexed. He never drags his feet - he was always the kind of person who was super organised and efficient, even for things that he didn't really like doing. He is also not afraid of heavy lifting - he's a powerhouse, especially when there's something in it for him. In this case, he would get rid of me out of his life forever - which was actually a stated objective when we first split - and divest himself of what is quite a large liability. His reluctance to do so is very odd.
You have got me wondering though if my actions will allow him to believe that the whole D was my idea. That would certainly suit him. He hates being the person in the wrong, and I suspect he can see well enough that what he did to me was absolutely appalling.
The other news is that XH was recently here to celebrate XMIL's big birthday. I was completely left out of the family celebrations, but I decided my beef wasn't really with her, so I bought her a present I knew she'd love and sent it along with a card to be delivered by S19. She sent me a lovely text of thanks (they're a polite family - which is why XH's general rudeness towards me is jarring) and that was that.
Unfortunately, a close neighbour and mutual friend died a nasty death at around the same time as XH's visit. XMIL and both XSIL's and I ended up at the wake and chatted for ages. It was lovely to have a normal conversation and to wish XMIL a happy birthday in the flesh, even if we were in amongst a roomful of elephants. I was also told later by a friend that XSIL2 had actually referred to me as her SIL - something I thought she'd never do, particularly because XH and his GF had only just left town.
Job, has your XH ever reached out to you? Do you know why he dragged his feet so much?
Most of them drag their feet - they want the Zipless Divorce (Like the Zipless F__k in Fear of Flying, where clothes just magically fall off without buttons or zippers to ruin the mood. ) They can't be bothered with the real WORK of divorce paperwork - they just want to be magically FREEEEEEEE!
I read a study somewhere about how the majority of divorces are initiated by women - from my reading here, I'd venture that half those women were forced into action by WAHs who just wouldn't get the paperwork done.
Most of them drag their feet - they want the Zipless Divorce (Like the Zipless F__k in Fear of Flying, where clothes just magically fall off without buttons or zippers to ruin the mood. ) They can't be bothered with the real WORK of divorce paperwork - they just want to be magically FREEEEEEEE!
I read a study somewhere about how the majority of divorces are initiated by women - from my reading here, I'd venture that half those women were forced into action by WAHs who just wouldn't get the paperwork done.
There was a recent article in the Annals of Improbable Research about the invention of a bra that would come off automatically when hearing clapping. Lots of fun for the whole family
My own ex was very much a cake-eater who wanted to keep me in reserve. Perhaps she still does. No clue. I do think that the only reason that she filed for the actual divorce was because her lawyer wrote that down when I suggested it and then filled out the paperwork (complete with mistakes) for her. I really got the impression that she was strapped to a horse not of her own choosing on the path to an unknown destination.
I do still think that she didn't want that finality - not until she was sure of her safe landing on the other side which wasn't the case last year and perhaps still isn't.
So looking at it from my point of view - I wanted her to be the one who filed because - to be honest - I didn't want to be "the bad guy". For the bulk of my marriage I was the organized one who got things done. If she'd resisted then I would have filed myself.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The odd thing is XH served the divorce papers on me long before we were even close to negotiating a property agreement. The divorce itself wasn't really necessary (unless he wanted to remarry, which he said he didn't) - it was the property settlement that should've been his priority. He's deeply interested in money, spending a lot of time documenting the money he was going to pay, and why - but somehow the property settlement seemed to be a bit too much for him.
We split in August 2015, with official separation date set by him at 1 October 2015. I didn't know we'd really, truly, 100% separated until he told me in December (when I asked) that he had taken off his wedding ring as the plane left town after he helped me move into my apartment - which was November 2015. That was a nice little Christmas present - not.
He also blindsided me when he served the divorce papers on me in September 2017 - another thing he did without any warning or reference, even though we'd been communicating up until that point. Unfortunately the divorce automatically set the property settlement deadline to October 2018. He knew all of this - but just couldn't seem to get his act together to do this final, major act of separation.
I think he likes doing two things: blindsiding me, and controlling how and when everything related to us happens. If I want it, he doesn't - and vice versa.
In other news, S19 has finally admitted he is deeply angry with XH, blaming him for the years of mental anguish, depression and anxiety he has suffered since XH abandoned him. He is writing a letter to his father, in as loving a way as he can, as a form of therapy. I'm not sure if S will ever send XH the letter, but I'm glad he's doing something positive about dealing with the fallout.
XH still won't accept his actions have had a negative impact on anybody. He truly believes we are all living more happily ever after, and if we aren't, it's because we simply won't move on, and accept that we are where we are. No care - no responsibility on his behalf. It's all everybody else's fault if they're unhappy. It's also our fault if he is.
This is such toddler-like behaviour I'm going to start calling him Mr Maturity from now on.
Just curious, what happens now that the deadline has passed and the property settlement is not done? What are the options? What are the repercussions? Who bears the greater risk of loss in this scenario?
I suppose I would allow that to be the deciding factor in whether I did the mop up for him. If I had the consequences, I would just see that as looking after my own interest. If he did, I would say, oh well, your loss, do it when you want/or must/or can.
