I agree with Andrew. Two things stood out to me from the beginning of my marriage. The first is the selfishness, and the second was a very low intellectual quotient/shallowness of feeling.
Whilst I know it was there, my XH's selfishness was very cleverly disguised. He used to do so many wonderful things for me and anybody else he said he loved. I think Acts of Service is his LL.
To be honest, XH was always a lovely man - I used to marvel how he could be so kind, mature, resilient, humorous and capable. I really, really admired and respected him. I loved that man to bits.
These days I wonder how he managed to hide the person he is today - the one that must've been lurking inside - for as long as he did. Truly, this man deserves an Oscar.
Devvo - The person they are during their crisis may not be the person they were before - or the person they will be after. If he truly was a lovely man before the crisis there is some hope he might eventually become that man again.
That being said - some of us can't see our spouses for who they are until the rose colored glasses come off. I didn't really see what a narcissist my ex was until months after he had left - then it really became clear that he had always been one, just got worse in middle age. So long as you made him look good and went along with his enthusiasms, you were golden. If he felt you didn't reflect well on him, or were interested in something he couldn't be bothered with - not so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I wore rose coloured glasses and think I must have done so. Other times I know that the yearning I feel for the man XH was is the same yearning I know my parents and our good, mutual friends feel too. It's like he's another person. By most accounts he's harder, more selfish and far less amusing these days.
In any case, I have to go on as though this good man has died. I have no guarantee he'll be back, or if he did come back that I'd still be a part of his life. This is the hardest part of acceptance - knowing what could've been and seeing what is.
I'm with KML. I think there is some truth to the person we are seeing now. That someone had that inside of themselves to emerge, whether under depression, stress, etc., still demonstrates that they had it inside of them.
The best advice I got was that when I was wallowing in the man I missed and what he was doing, that I should focus on how unhappy I was in the marriage instead. That really opened my eyes to what I had been tolerating for a very long time.
I wasn't unhappy for the bulk of our marriage. Neither was he - he even told me so himself on the evening of BD. It was only the last 18 months or so of it that was less than stellar - and all that time I thought it was only because he was tired and stressed and under the hammer.
I think this is the reason I have found it so hard to move on. To deal with this I have focussed as much as I can on those uncomfortable 18 months. As you say - reminding myself of those horrible, heartbreaking moments is great aversion therapy. Would I want to do that again? No...freakin'...way!
I think we all wore some rose colored glassss during m
You are now questioning
And that can be healthy
Just do not get stuck there
W has said this is who she always was
She was faking it for twenty years
She fooled me
And the kids
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Devvo, there can be a lot of bad moments in 18 months. I had 2 bad years, 3 so-so years, and 20 or more good years. But focusing on the good, the past, the gone, doesn't bring me peace and it certainly didn't help me let go.
Absolutely agree, I think focussing on the good from the past most certainly does not help to move on. Quite the reverse.
Gordie, obviously if your W is telling the truth now she has been lying for 20 years. I'm sure this is one of the things the DB'ing mantra "believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see" is all about. Nevertheless, it begs the question - who would to want to spend their life with a deceitful, duplicitous and manipulative person?
Apropos of Ciluzen's story, the other question I have is "who had the emotional power in the relationship when things were 'good'?" If it was me, could XH's actions really be a reaction to that? Did I inadvertently abuse the power I thought I had to the point XH couldn't take any more?
If I did, I know where I have to be careful for the next relationship. I will anyway of course - I never want to be hurt like this again. Ever. That, more than anything makes it hard to move on - because moving on may well take me back to this pit, and falling back into the pit after being out of it for a while would have to be, well, the absolute pits!
Today XH texted me to say that one of his mentors in our home town recently passed away after a long battle with cancer. This guy was somebody XH looked upon with the respect one would often give to a father, so whilst not quite a father figure, he was one of the very, very few people XH went out of his way for.
This is the first death in close proximity, as it were, that XH has had to deal with in a long time. I am wondering whether it will lead him to ask really big questions about his life and how he's living it. I really, really hope so.
