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lcause Offline OP
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I mean to apologize. Lol.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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maybe I missed it in the thread...

but was the doctor appointment she reached out to you about, the reason she was hospitalized?

How is she doing now?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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[quote=lcause]I had plans for tonight and XW just suddenly asked if I could watch the kids in half an hour as she has a doctor's appointment.


I get that it was last minute, but she's the mother of your children and evidently she was pretty sick.

I told her no because I have plans and asked that did she really got the info about it an hour prior to the appointment? Apparently yes.


indeed


Don't know if I was being a scumbag as I could have probably made time for it but that would have prevented me from going to GAL today.



Okay I have a question not intended to make you defensive.

But what could have been more important for her, than the need for a sudden doctor appointment?

Is it just that you did not believe her? I mean, if so, I can understand saying no b/c you just didn't buy her reason.

But if it's b/c you really wanted to do something else and yet you believed her, then I'd remind you it's not all about your being her h, but also that she is the mother of your children. And setting an example to your kids.

This^^ is not doormat behavior, just loyal - We give up things we want to do when someone is very sick, or afraid, or needs to be cared for...even when it's super super inconvenient for us.

We show up.

So maybe it's

something to look at. ??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
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lcause Offline OP
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Yes it was. I didn't know it was THAT important at the time she first asked me. When she asked later if I could be with kids that she's probably being hospitalized, I was 200 km away. All good though, kids were at relatives.

She is fine, it was just for monitoring. So no worries.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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[quote=lcause]Also I personally find the statement that "life will teach the lessons" a bit odd if it's used to make the LBS to feel good. It is only there to prevent the LBS to falling into doing stupid things.


yes and or petty angry things. Losing the wish to inflict punishment on the WAS to "teach a lesson" also releases the LBS from their need to be right and to stop inserting themselves into their WAS's head -

and to keep the focus on their own growth.



It feels sometimes that we believe too much that the WAS won't be happy, karma will do something or that they will learn and realize their mistakes later on.

our ego wants this^^ (pretty much every LBS wants to believe their departing spouse will regret the choice, no matter what else happens.)

Yes, there are statistics saying most 2nd m's end in divorce. Fact.

But if there is an affair - even if the affair "Fails", it does not mean the first marriage will end up reconciled. True.

Lots of reasons for this^^ but in reality, what matters are our own choices.

ever think your analysis is a way to avoid just staying on your path?

Hey, I've been there, done that.

Self awareness is vital to our happiness, no matter what our spouses do.




Way more often than not they don't.


so are you saying that you know what most WAS's feel? Because saying "way more often most" don't regret leaving their first m's is simply not accurate. Where did you find that?

In a large survey, way more than half of those who filed for divorce, had regrets.

5 years after the divorce, nearly 3/4 saying they wish they had worked harder to solve the marital problems, which I count as a regret.

(BTW, I saw a worthless study saying it was closer to 1/3 who regretted it, but that article also said "24% regret the damage the divorce did to their kids"...

really? Not ALL of them regret "The damage the divorce did to their kids"??)

anyway...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: lcause
Yes it was. I didn't know it was THAT important at the time she first asked me.

sounds as if she was very afraid and did not know the outcome. So she did not know it was THAT important.



When she asked later if I could be with kids that she's probably being hospitalized, I was 200 km away.

Did you drive or fly back to get the kids, in case?



All good though, kids were at relatives.

She is fine, it was just for monitoring.
So no worries.



thank God she is fine and her condition has to be monitored and not require surgery.

Look, I'll be honest, LC. Your response is triggering a strong negative reaction in me.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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If my W was sick and couldn't take care of the kids I would take them in a NY minute. If she wanted me to watch them so she could go party, different story.

At the end of the day she is the mother of my children, and even though I would never tell her this she would always be able to count on me.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Those statements were just to bring my thoughts and get people like you share their views smile

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

our ego wants this^^ (pretty much every LBS wants to believe their departing spouse will regret the choice, no matter what else happens.)

I think our ego gets hit much harder when we realize this is not the case. It could be that we don't care anymore then, though.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

so are you saying that you know what most WAS's feel? Because saying "way more often most" don't regret leaving their first m's is simply not accurate. Where did you find that?

In a large survey, way more than half of those who filed for divorce, had regrets.

5 years after the divorce, nearly 3/4 saying they wish they had worked harder to solve the marital problems, which I count as a regret.

Funnily enough, I remember finding a study with the same ball-park numbers - it was of ALL people. Those who filed and those who got BDd. I can see a huge number of BDd people regretting divorce.

Also, based on those studies I've read, men are almost double as likely to regret than women (20-30% vs 50-60%). Women also file something like 70%-80%? of the divorces.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

(BTW, I saw a worthless study saying it was closer to 1/3 who regretted it, but that article also said "24% regret the damage the divorce did to their kids"...

really? Not ALL of them regret "The damage the divorce did to their kids"??)

Reading comments in the Internet, some people truly DO believe a divorce does not harm kids at all... that kids are better off with parents divorced. I can see maybe one or two scenarios where this is true, but vast vast vast vast vast majority of marriages, the kids are those who suffer the most!


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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Posts: 454
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lcause Offline OP
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You asked me not to get defensive, yet you say my response is triggering a strong negative reaction in you? Well then... I'm not going to answer further questions or matters related to that.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
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lcause Offline OP
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I realized I worded that bit about kids suffering a bit wrong. I meant vast majority of marriages are good enough so that the kids suffer in divorce.

Btw I personally find it much more likely that those people who regret the divorce is because of the next partner is not any better, I don't think it's because the LBS is attractive. They realize they could have put the work to keep their M and be a united family instead of more of the same in the new person. For my particular sitch, I don't think anyone can be worse than I was. Not something to dwell on, but I do learn from my mistakes smile However IF this person is a better match, I don't think any amount of self growth is going to get the WAS to look back. No matter if you would be the absolute knight in shining armor or the princess and even if you would have fixed every issue they had in you. Even if you were, hypothetically, perfect.

J9 I'm not going to always be there for her. I can't expect my next partner to accept that. Of course I can take the kids when needed, but "always to count on me" is just too much. Maybe you meant it as taking care of the kids which I agree with. Of course I also wish all the best for her.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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