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lcause Offline OP
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I didn't mean it that way. I just see many people saying divorce was the best thing and that the reason is they couldn't be in the same space due to fighting. I don't think fighting/arguing is bad in R if it's constructive and seeks for a solution rather than hurting the other one/being for the need of being right. I think it's actually worse to not argue and bury the issues because it comes as resentment later on. That was probably one of our issues. Nagging and going back to normal after never really works (unless S really understands it).

I agree but it could also be that they understand the issues the second time and actually work on it. Of course the limerence will end but I think it's a bad choice to stay waiting for that because love is again a choice. What I've read, it's quite rare to turn around WAWs and I don't really believe in ASs claim. Maybe if it's a long marriage and people in it are over 50. I think being this young is very different. I don't see my XW wanting me back even though I probably have more "growth potential" than many others (confidence, depression, job, emotional openness and so on). I don't know how her hormones affected this and whether she has a post partum depression or not. I used to speculate on that but now I don't anymore. I don't personally believe they are in a rebound because it has not progressed after 4 or so months so they are actually taking it slow. The best thing I can do is to not think about it at all and just concentrate on myself. I think too many LBS refuses to really believe it's over and uses all the crutches to find a reason, not accepting the fact that love is a decision and some day the WAS just decided to stop loving the LBS.

Yeah, I don't think it's a myth completely but it probably sometimes stems more from loss of control rather than genuine will to recon, and only if the WAS has not found greener grass themself.


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lcause Offline OP
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Also I personally find the statement that "life will teach the lessons" a bit odd if it's used to make the LBS to feel good. It is only there to prevent the LBS to falling into doing stupid things. It feels sometimes that we believe too much that the WAS won't be happy, karma will do something or that they will learn and realize their mistakes later on. Way more often than not they don't. However I do agree it's not the LBSs job to show it or teach the WAS.


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I don't think you should think about showing her you have changed. You should focus on changing and making those changes long term. If she looks, she'll see, but only if the changes are genuine.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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I agree. I just don't know how the LBS can show that when validation, hugs etc. Are out of the picture. Maybe through other changes the WAS can believe emotional connection can change too.

My question was more of what you think rather than what I do. I think that if there is an OM/OW, asking for how WAS is feeling or trying to mindread their emotions based on how they act/look and then asking and validating is only showing that you are ok with the situation and being friends.


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I don't think validation is ever out of the picture.

Nor is noticing someone looks stressed and asking them about it.

For me, that's different than asking them how they feel all the time or thinking it is your job to fix their problems.

And forming emotional connections with your children and with friends is always good.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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lcause Offline OP
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I guess it's a cultural thing. I haven't really talked about anything else than kids to my XW. Only last weekend I asked how she's doing, otherwise I haven't asked even once how she is doing because I see that as pursuing. If she talks about something I just look at her and nod, or overall listen to her. I think asking something like "you look stressed. Is that how you feel?" certainly looks odd in her eyes. We don't say that to neighbors either smile


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One of these days you have to tell us where you are from LC. I think it's the second time you brought up that the culture in the country you are living in, is different from elsewhere.

Nodding and one word answers also seem to be my preferred communication form with XW. Not that we ever speak of other stuff than the kids. And not that often actually. I havent even seen her for something like 2 months. And I am ok with that. I have no clue what is going on in her life (the kids hardly ever mention her when they are with me). She could be living her dream or they could be running on fumes. Who knows. I will admit however, based on the few things they do tell, that lately I have started wondering more of her as MLC than a WAS/WW.

But we seem to think a lot alike LC. I also do not see any value in showing her my friendly side (I'm NOT nasty btw...)


M:46 WXW:40
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I've said it, I'm from Finland.

I mostly leave speaking to her and only continue to speak if it's something where I can naturally follow. E.g. she mentioned S learned how to clap his hands and I said "true, it's so funny. He also clapped to D on his own when D was doing tricks and we both found it funny." She laughed at that and asked "really?". That's the tone we have in conversations mostly.

I have no idea either about their life except for XW said the last time that she's happy now that someone wanted her. Haven't checked but they are probably WhatsApping all the time now too. I'm a bit worried about XW since she seems to always be online till like 0:30-1:00 am based on if I need to answer to something at morning. That's just crazy with S, uni etc. Well, not my problem unless it affects my kids.

Oh, really? What have they said it seems more like MLC?

Well, I'm FRIENDLY but I'm not that concerned about how her day has been etc. If she asks that from me, then I obviously reflect the same back. More of mirroring her behavior than anything.


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Quote:
I've said it, I'm from Finland.
sorry, missed that post. I have tried to stay away from the forum a couple of times as I'm not sure it aids my detachment, so I must have missed a couple of your posts. Can't seem stay away from here though smile

Quote:
Oh, really? What have they said it seems more like MLC?


It's a bit more than just what the kids have said, though. First of all, a couple of weeks ago they told me that XW bought a new par of running shoes. I litterally burst out in laughing. This is a woman who has not ran a single mile her entire life. But she has now picked up running. Today D9 told me her teacher told her that she saw XW at the golf course yesterday. Both is so out of character for her. She is the most anti-sport woman I have ever met.

Secondly, she has not had any of the kids visit her once (outside our schedule) yet since she moved out (9 months ago) That is just plain weird. I have had all 3 kids on a sleepover, D9 has visited me a couple of times and so has D4. Maybe I'm a bit harsh here, but to me that doesn't sound like a fully functional mother, does it?

She did however have D10 over for a couple of hours 2 weeks ago. And if you ever visit the mlc forum, you'll learn a bit about how the mlc comes out of it (and maybe back to the M). They seem to reconnect in some weird order. First they reconnect to the home (and she has started to drive by once every other week to drop off D9's riding gear even if she could just drop it off at school and have me bring it home on exchange days) and next they reconnect with the kids. (yeah I know, I'm smoking hopium here since she does have them every other week anyway, but...). Weirdly enough, as I write this, she just texted me to ask if it was ok that she drove by D10's rock climbing activity as she could leave work for 30 minutes..this is also a first...(I'm with D4 for gymnastics while D10 climbs)

I have noticed some of the newcomers who have talked with the DB coaches mention that their wives appeared to have "some sort" of MLC, also without the extremes. And lets not forget, she turned 40 last summer.. Major mind reading, I know, I know....

Sorry LC, waaaaaay to long post.... LOL


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
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D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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lcause Offline OP
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Haha Btrow. No problem. I like to read posts in my thread smile I can definitely see that she could be an MLCer too... however that doesn't really change anything for you.

Today was a weird day. My D did something really stupid and XW was really down about it. We were both telling her not to do that and she has to go ask for an apology now from a friend/friend's mom. XW started crying and I automatically made the posture that I could give a hug, and I really mean that I didn't even consider her my XW anymore but just as a person needing a hug... This could definitely be seen as pursuit, lol. I just understood what I did after she shaked her head.

I tried to validate as well as I could. Offered to stay to feed S and talk to D. She said she appreciated it. She communicated much more otherwise too via text today. About random things not directly related to kids.

It's now two months till the divorce is through. I don't see it changing... Well, I saved one marriage with the knowledge I've gathered. smile


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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