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I had plans for tonight and XW just suddenly asked if I could watch the kids in half an hour as she has a doctor's appointment. I told her no because I have plans and asked that did she really got the info about it an hour prior to the appointment? Apparently yes. Don't know if I was being a scumbag as I could have probably made time for it but that would have prevented me from going to GAL today. Well - I got fired from the husband job so I guess it's not my task anymore. She just said "ok, I'll take them with me". Of course I would have if I was still her husband.

A co-worker told me today that he divorced ten years ago. He hasn't seen a single girl since. Apparently his XW has lived with 4 different guys since. Holy cow. He said he thinks it affects his kids lives. Made me feel a bit bad for him but he said he just doesn't see any value in relationships anymore and wants to rather be alone. Good for him. He seems rather happy and content. It also made me feel a bit bad; Hopefully I don't end up in a situation like that because I definitely want to share my life with someone later on. For the curious: his XW has never approached him or even hinted about recon.


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Also I have to add: my cousin is going through a hard time in her marriage and she has talked about it to me. I think I have now contributed in saving their marriage as she said that she's feeling more and more about trying to work it out. I suggested her to buy DR, 5LLs etc. and have shared about happiness etc. stuff I've learned so far. She is a borderline WAS (even to the point where she said she doesn't know if she ever loved her H!) but the past 2 months she's been GALing and taking time for herself from my suggestion (as per the book). Her H is also making improvements and learned about validation and emotional needs. They now understand why it is bad to be codependent. I feel very good about this, to be honest.


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Spent the weekend with an old friend, we were fishing pretty much non-stop at the sea. Sauna&beer&swimming in very cold water. Life hasn't felt as good in ages. Boy was I tired last night. Going to repeat that in few weeks but next time I get to see his wife and kids too smile

My XW got hospitalized for the weekend apparently. I said I was sorry and asked if she's fine. She shared quite a bit about her issues which seemed odd to me but I told I wish her well and hopefully it gets better soon. Not a life threatening condition thankfully.

I've spent a bit of my time reflecting back and I have no clue whether I should try to DB anymore or not. Do I have hope? Is everything really lost? Would a new R with her be better? Will their R with OM be better than ours was? How could I even compete against the OM? Will I ever find anyone else? Could her mind change since she was so adamant in continuing her life without me? Could I ever get over these mental pictures I have if I think about it? Is there really a purpose for saving this marriage? Why am I so lost and WHY I can't seem to find any CONCLUSION for these questions? And why am I so keen on KNOWING the answers - at all? I've come to terms with my past mistakes though and I'm not going to be dwelling on them anymore. That has no purpose.

Overall I'm just feeling rather good about myself now, thinking about her less and less. I know for a fact that I'm going to be a better partner in my next relationship. Things that I took previously for granted are not going to be taken for granted anymore, lol! I feel like a new man - I'm so much more emotionally open, e.g. I hug my D much more now too and that comes without any thought or "forcing/remembering to hug her". Something just has changed in my automatic thinking. I just do it and she seems to like it when daddy hugs. smile My relationship with her has changed by leaps and bounds since BD. I also noticed that I spend less time at PC, even when I'm alone. When I'm home I pretty much prefer reading books rather than spending time at PC. I also cleaned up the apartment at Friday and actually felt good about it, wat? Listening to music while doing dishes or cleaning up really motivates me.

Now I know my life will be good. I feel like a new man on so many levels. My friend was constantly joking around that he could take some photos of me and make a profile for me in Tinder. Lol. Even though he was joking, he seemed a bit off when I told him I think I'm not ready yet. I'm not.

Hopefully all of you had a great weekend!


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Quote:
For the curious: his XW has never approached him or even hinted about recon.

That is by far the smallest sample size I have ever seen wink

Quote:
I feel very good about this, to be honest

And you should! Well done for passing it forward. Well done, LC

Quote:
I've spent a bit of my time reflecting back and I have no clue whether I should try to DB anymore or not.

What would you be doing differently if you weren't DB'ing anymore? You seem to be doing just fine.. Why not continue down that path? You say yourself that you are a new man. A better parent, spend less time in front of the computer. Maybe all that is due to your DB approach of life. Why not continue your improvements?


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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Originally Posted By: Btrow

That is by far the smallest sample size I have ever seen wink

Haha! That was not supposed to be any kind of a proof but I felt like after sharing a story like that, I'm supposed to give the "end result". smile

Originally Posted By: Btrow

And you should! Well done for passing it forward. Well done, LC

Thanks! She just thanked me today and said my words are describing her life like 100%. Well, one marriage (probably) saved as an outcome, even if it wasn't mine.

Originally Posted By: Btrow
What would you be doing differently if you weren't DB'ing anymore? You seem to be doing just fine.. Why not continue down that path? You say yourself that you are a new man. A better parent, spend less time in front of the computer. Maybe all that is due to your DB approach of life. Why not continue your improvements?

I will continue trying to improve. I meant it any more, not anymore, hehe. Like should I do something more. MWD describes so many tools but I feel that my marriage is so far from all that.

I was driving back home now at midnight and Pink - What About Us was playing on the radio. Got to admit, I shed a few tears.


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Journaling:

I agreed to take a bigger part in my D's hobby for the weekend and it made me feel good. Previously I shifted all that every time for my XW when it was "our" turn but now I want to beat my "fear" and do it myself. She actually texted me and said that she can take D this weekend to the hobby but I denied and thanked her saying I'm fine.

This all seems so off at times. It's like I would be living the life of someone else. Emotions shift from high to low so quickly. Even going as far as feeling the rejection, remembering how my messages would be the first ones to be answered and now I can see her status going online and back to last seen without even an answer to me after I've sent a message to her (to something what she actually asked first and I had to provide a question as an answer). It's so off how this can happen in just mere months. I didn't mention this earlier but during one of the clingy moments my XW said she was still really happily married to me when she got pregnant. So she hasn't felt this way for THAT long. I have a suspicion that OM played a huge role in the D ("you deserve better" "i'm here for you" yadayada). While OM is just a symptom of a bad M, not the cause of the D, if there was no OM I think we could have had a chance to work out our issues. She also claimed to have started talking with OM AFTER BD but I don't believe in it... doesn't matter anymore though. I've been a bit "furious" today reading Mark's thread how he is mentioning about statistics and so on. A relationship is a relationship, no one knows about the future. Rebound and affair relationships can work too and exes might never have any sort of regret. It's too comforting to rely on the statistics and shift your mind to hope for a future instead of using that mind power to concentrate fully on yourself. The same applies for when people talk about "karma" or believing that "everything has a reason" - yeah, marriages end because either one of the spouses had a reason. It doesn't end because there's something better waiting for you...

I actually cleaned up AGAIN today, did the dishes, took the car to inspection, went to get a haircut, took D to school, went to eat alone in a restaurant, spend time outlining my goals, gathered some phone numbers to call for work, continued my program I've been programming, brought my exercise bicycle here and just now starting the HIIT exercise. Funnily enough, I saw an article talking about "soft HIIT practice" and I had to chuckle a bit... So this day has been quite productive for me. Starting to believe more and more in 25s and B's points smile

Today was the first day I've checked a girl in a "I would totally bang her" -way. I haven't felt that even once since BD. This chick was hot. I was actually quite concerned about why I haven't felt this way about any girl but finally I had that feeling kicking in.

I miss my kids so much. D was here last night and S was here too yesterday. I feel like my XW is somehow "checking me out" each time I go there, as if she would try to pick up some subtle cues? I'm just paranoid, seeing patterns where there are none... Hey is my brain filled with dopamine now? wink I also HATE how amicably this is going currently. We are like best buds when it comes to sharing things about kids.


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I hate the saying "things happen for a reason" too, sometimes.

But look at the positive changed. You are taking a more active role in your D's life. You are taking her to her hobbies and if you were still with your wife, you might have never been involved. Becoming a more active father could be something very wonderful coming out of this. I see a lot of men on here who admittedly weren't the most involved fathers before BD. Yeah, it's a shame it took such a think to realize they should be a bigger part of their kids lives, but it may have never happened otherwise.

You are doing stuff and getting out of the house which is good.

Focus on your kids. You haveto get up, out of bed, be engaged, do things because you are a dad and you have kids to take care.

Trust me, you would not want a hostile coparenting relationship especially with children that young. An amicable co=parenting relationship is not one you should hate, it's one you should appreciate. Why? because it is best for your kids!

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Thanks Ginger. I hate that saying with a passion! My mother believes in that stuff... so you bet I hear it each time I say something about my XW or the D.

I was pretty active with D's hobby outside of the last 5 or so months prior BD. I was working overtime and was tired from it and stress of not getting a job after completing my MSc. I spent much more time in D's hobby than my father ever did in mine. This is taking more responsibility as I'm taking the responsibility of 20 or so girls, which I didn't feel very keen to do before but now I'm pushing myself.

Also, I played with D and read to her much more than XW ever did. But BD has made me much more emotionally open towards my D, like giving her kisses and hugs "automatically". I have changed quite a bit in that regard. I have always been very polite and respectful for others (opening doors for others etc) but now I'm also incorporating some small talk for those moments smile

But being amicable is stupid in a way. If we can be this amicable and best buds, we could have worked on our issues and be an intact family for the kids to grow in! I don't know if I feel bad about her "disrespecting" me with OM... I don't let that be in between of us during exchanges though.


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I was wondering today that how can LBS show that they've changed to be more emotionally open (e.g. more affectionate, more considering, wants to be with the family)? Validation is hard when the WAS is either seeing someone new or does not share any feelings. I can see how say a change in being a coach potato or tendency to fight/yell can be demonstrated rather easily. For example I have never even raised my voice to my XW so we never had any serious conflicts (which was probably bad because fighting per se is not a bad thing if it seeks to find solutions for the conflicts). Any ideas?

Could this be the reason why WAS most often has second thoughts when LBS finds someone else (i.e. demonstrates emotional openness). Also this is probably the hardest one to turn around, although I'm not saying this causes the most harm. But say in infidelity the spouse still has very strong feelings to the cheater vs. in these cases where the love has actually died (and they think it never comes back).

Just generally wanting opinions on this. The biggest contributor to recon is probably the quality of the WASs next R. If it's really bad, it pushes them towards LBS, if it's really good they probably won't look back. Aka grass was not greener. How often it is? I can see how high conflict Rs with abuse/addiction it is often, but what about just R which was mediocre? Sadly for the LBS the WAS might realise this and decide to work on the next relationship instead of looking back. I've heard quite many long term couples who have thought about divorcing more than once but always decided to work on it instead. The feelings will come and go and come back again. My own feeling now is that you should try everything to save it before quitting unless there is abuse etc. Of course there are something you just can't compromise but those are rare.


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For example I have never even raised my voice to my XW so we never had any serious conflicts (which was probably bad because fighting per se is not a bad thing if it seeks to find solutions for the conflicts). Any ideas?


Yeah. I think you should do a 180 on that one and start yelling at every opportunity. I promise you that she will notice your changes right away wink

I agree with your take on the next R. If that is good and fulfilling, they never look back. No matter what they left behind.

In some cases, the grass probably IS greener. But I also believe that if the WAS didn't have the tools to work on the issues in their previous M, they'll most likely run into the same problems again some day. But that could easily be many many years down the line. And we won't be around by then. We will have moved on.

I don't really believe that any WAS comes running back the moment they fear that the LBS have moved on. I think that is just a myth.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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