Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
L
lcause Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
I forgot to add: when someone else then says "wow you played that chord perfectly!", my brain instantly realizes that it was something actually "cool" and THEN it releases the dopamine and thus I feel good.

It is my messed up reward system that is just not functional at all. I would need something that targets it to push me out of this to actually see something nice in doing things. SSRIs target the serotonin system which makes it even a bigger problem because that takes off the dopamine even more. I am not crying or feel that emotional most of the time (serotonin), I feel no purpose, no drive, no motivation (dopamine). But those meds are addictive and they could "mess up my brain chemistry" (from my doc) so I wont be getting them.

Sorry for the venting, this is useless. It is just myself trying to get more validation... lol. Ironic.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 93
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 93
Sounds like you need someone to talk to, to detach and GAL. Looking at what she and the OM are up to will not help you. It will only make you feel depressed.


M 11 Dated for 4 years before then
Me 35 H 39
D 10
BD Feb 2016
A 2015 Dec
I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately
I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 449
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 449
Originally Posted By: lcause

I get it that you have never been depressed or felt this way about anything. But I can try to create the mental picture for you


Do you honestly believe you are so unique that you have to explain these things?

I wanted to kill myself. My Dad is clinically depressed, my Uncle and Auntie both committed suicide before they were 50 because of depression.

I know depression.. I can still taste it if I let it back in, I know about wanting to die.. I know about having no hope.. I know about having nothing that gives me any pleasure.

But guess what?…. life doesn’t give a sh*t about sob stories or victim mindsets… and each day that goes by is another day that you can never get back - so the attitude I had was "This is not happening no more, I will not base my life around situations and circumstances I can not change and I will take responsibility for my own happiness"

You firmly believe - "My story is different and I'm a victim of genetics" - don’t you?

Well outside of the world your currently living in there are MANY people who are dealing with what you are and many have it much worse than you.

People whose babies have died at birth, people are born blind, having your brother die of leukaemia at 6 years old- The list goes on… But you are not in a unique situation.

Sometimes in life, you have to stand up and be counted and find something that makes you tick. There is a whole world out there, and to suggest that there is nothing that gives you any pleasure suggests that you have gone out there and experienced everything the world has to offer.

You haven't done that because at the moment you are struggling to get out of bed.

You think seeing an IC is useless, you don’t want to see any friends, you want to spend time alone and you would prefer your XW to be nasty with you so when she is nice it doesn’t hurt you as much.

Sometimes you have to look at your situation in life and be brutally honest with yourself.

You have 2 options:

Accept that you need to put GAL as your top priority and accept that no one except you is going to pull yourself out of this stinking thinking hole your in - without blaming anything else and forget the 'story of me'

Or

Get it medically confirmed that you are indeed unique and you can receive the professional help and medication you need to recover.

Let us know which one you chose

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Quote:
Sometimes in life, you have to stand up and be counted and find something that makes you tick.


Quote:

Sometimes you have to look at your situation in life and be brutally honest with yourself.


Words to live by.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
L
lcause Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
The second one if I could. I think sleeping 4-5 hours a night for 7 years has done real damage to my brains. My digestive system has been messed up for the same amount of time and they are now coming up with studies that it affects mood etc on a high level. I don't have money to get properly examined. Sorry. Depression is a mental illness. GAL does NOTHING to it unless you can counter the underlying issues. Good for you if you managed to cure it, many people don't. I don't care about days that go by. The faster the better.

My happiness will always be dependent on others because it is my top most priority in a relationship, the way how I feel loved. I don't feel love with quality time, gifts, cuddling or sex. I feel love when I'm appreciated. That won't change and it's not codependent. It's like saying "do you know how hard is it for me to always give her sex or closeness or gifts?". It doesn't require much to every once in a while show your appreciation to someone you know - something I do nearly daily.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
Originally Posted By: lcause
The second one if I could. I think sleeping 4-5 hours a night for 7 years has done real damage to my brains. My digestive system has been messed up for the same amount of time and they are now coming up with studies that it affects mood etc on a high level. I don't have money to get properly examined. Sorry. Depression is a mental illness. GAL does NOTHING to it unless you can counter the underlying issues. Good for you if you managed to cure it, many people don't. I don't care about days that go by. The faster the better.

My happiness will always be dependent on others because it is my top most priority in a relationship, the way how I feel loved. I don't feel love with quality time, gifts, cuddling or sex. I feel love when I'm appreciated. That won't change and it's not codependent. It's like saying "do you know how hard is it for me to always give her sex or closeness or gifts?". It doesn't require much to every once in a while show your appreciation to someone you know - something I do nearly daily.


Everyone has a love language. That is separate from being able to be happy without a romantic relationship.

Not being able to be happy on your own is codependent.

I know you are hurting, but looking for a rebound relationship is not a morally responsible choice. It won't fix you, and it has the potential to really hurt someone else.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Wow, I have been reading and so much caught my eye.

Depression is awful. Depression runs heavily through my family. My mother killed her self at 47 due to a horrible depression component of bipolar disorder.

When my ex left, over 9 years ago when I was 27 and my baby was 6 months old, I actually did not fall into a depression. I was in survival mode with a baby.

I have been on AD's for almost 2 years. Depression finally did set in. Then I was in a relationship and it ended and I sunk into a REAL depression. I actually knew what depression felt like. I have been seeing an IC all along and we worked through it and I increased my AD's. I couldn't stop sleeping, nothing made me feel good and I was ultimately hopeless and it was the most godawful feeling. I have a kid to raise and a job to attend and school, so I had no choice but to fight through it. I went to the gym even if I didn't want to. I socialized even when it felt like torture. Eventually I came out of the very dark place, but it took WORK. and it took HEALTHY work.

Reading what I am reading about your need for validation from a signifincat other and it being the only thing that makes you happy seriously worries me. Yes, relationships feel good, validation feels good but when that is our only source of happiness, that is a serious problem. That also puts a huge burden on a partner. I also read that everything you are trying to do or have done is all about you. You do for others because it makes YOU feel good. There is nothing wrong with deriving pleasure from helping others, but it seems as if you do it just for you. An example would be the rebound R. Have you even stopped and thought about how that might feel for the person on the other end of the rebound? How you making yourself feel good could seriously hurt others?

A healthy form of receiving your validation: Volunteer! Give to others who have much less than you! Support a good cause! It's a win win! You feel good about seeing how your work helps others and others are helped! I get depressed on the holidays I don't have my D10. I don't really have much family and I am single. So this year my D10 goes to her dad's for thanksgiving, I decided to serve Thanksgiving Dinner at a mission. I fill my hole by giving back, and the less fortunate have a thanksgiving meal.

You need healthy ways of coping. I do believe you really need to be on meds or very intense treatment with a psychiatrist. I think you would benefit so much. Your coping mechanisms aren't so healthy right now. I know for a short time during my depression I probably would have done ANYTHING to make myself feel better. I never understood it until I went through it. But working hard with my therapist, I found healthy, non-destructive ways to help myself. I hope you can do the same.

Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
L
lcause Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
I'm sorry for both of you, Ginger and B. It's really hard to lose close ones.

Thanks for commenting though. I've always been like this, since the days I can remember. I've always craved for social acceptance or "superiority". Everything I do is to impress others (work out -> good body -> wow you have a nice body! or study -> intelligence/degree -> wow you have a degree in X?), I feel no joy whatsoever doing things that are solely for myself. That is my curse. My IQ is rather high... so it's not stupidity or whatsoever.

Therapy has no answers because it's all practices I would have to do... but those are for myself and the gratification happens with time... not the instant one my brain would require so convincing it is really hard. Meds could help but again, no avail.

Rose, I know what you're saying. I'm not gonna do that because I'm not attractive at all in this condition and frankly put I don't know if I ever want a relationship again...

I think I would just need time to be completely alone for a while, like a month without anything to get my attention, no PC, nothing. Just meditating, sleeping, exercising and eating healthy. Reseting, if you will. But that's just not possible.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
LC, a few months ago after BD, I looked inside myself and realized I didn't know what made me happy. I spent so much of my life taking care of others that my brain couldn't see my own happiness as anything other than selfishness. It was hard, but I did eventually start to find activities that made me happy. Don't get caught up in thinking about what others do to make themselves happy. Yours may be totally different. I think you've done a good job of eliminating things that don't work for you, but you need to keep looking for things that do.

You are only 30 and have so much of your life ahead of you.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Originally Posted By: lcause

Therapy has no answers because it's all practices I would have to do... but those are for myself and the gratification happens with time... not the instant one my brain would require so convincing it is really hard. Meds could help but again, no avail.

Rose, I know what you're saying. I'm not gonna do that because I'm not attractive at all in this condition and frankly put I don't know if I ever want a relationship again...



Come on! basically you are saying this is long and hard work, but you want instant gratification. I think all our brains are wired to desire to want instant gratification, but the things worth it in life require hard work. So do the work.

Just because we have been "one way" our whole lives, doesn't mean we can't change. It is not impossible for you to change the things you don't like or that do not serve you or anyone else around you. Depression or no depression.

Like I said, the things you do are almost soley for yourself. You do them because you NEED validation. So right there, you are deriving pleasure from doing for yourself. You desire the outcome which is about you.

Let me ask, when you do all this stuff for other people, if you didn't get praise, but you made a difference, would you still do for others?

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard