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SwHubby,

Also, her brain and mind has seen you a light for so long, that she can only associate negative perception with you and your actions. Something I do with my WW, is everytime she says something negative, I say, "you always see me in a negative light but, that's not who I am." I also say, "you keeping placing negative actions on me, but I think you should look at me thru a different lens." At first I thought it was bouncing off of her, then one day I was doing something and she was trying to correct me, and then she corrected her self and said , I shouldn't just assume, you will do something wrong.

I made those statements with confidence. Sometimes we can speak certain things into existence.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: SwHubby

The goal tonight is:
- Understand what W thinks I am constantly doing to offend W.


I wouldn't go there right now. You're negotiating the divorce terms and visitation with your D, so that needs to be 100% of your focus. Set aside DB'ing for now and focus on this solely as a business-like transaction. You can delve into feelings (offending W) later when this is all resolved.

Quote:
- Get her to consider government mediation and hopefully accept it on the spot. She has been uncertain in the past.


Not sure about "on the spot", but perhaps give her a deadline (a few days maybe) to decide.

Quote:
I was thinking about talking about how she is treating me and D, but that would probably just make everything else harder to accomplish right now.


See my first paragraph up above, this convo needs to wait as well.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Update: she agreed instantly to mediation. It threw me off a little bit. And then there was not really anything she wanted to talk about. I did not discuss anything else, since it felt like a good conversation and those are not common.

And it seemed like it was a good decision reading AS comments now. ☺️

AS: Well, I guess that I become quite scared when W makes comments such as "burning all bridges", "destroying everything" and so on. Make me feel like it is definitive and for all future, and I don't even know why. That makes it hard for me to ignore.
But I should concentrate on what is important for now, as you say. And be business-like. That makes it easier for me to come since I am a quite rational guy. It has worked previously at some level.

Joejoe: Thank you for commenting! I will try that one going forward and see if it can have some effect.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
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ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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SW,

I remember one time my WAW telling me she no longer loved me. And that from previous experience, once she had lost those feelings, they never come back.

Anyways, she now claims I'm the love of her life and she made a huge mistake leaving me.

When they are in walk-away mode, beleive nothing they say.

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Thanks Thornton, it feels assuring to read.

Detaching is really hard and I am getting sucked in time and time again. Like AS wrote in some thread: LBss do not drop the rope during the first year, but live in denial. Well, I am definitely not living in denial. 😬

Wow, I must update myself on your story again. Seems like a lot has happened.


H-30s W-30s
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ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Originally Posted By: SwHubby
Update: she agreed instantly to mediation. It threw me off a little bit.


Great, congrats!!

Quote:
And then there was not really anything she wanted to talk about. I did not discuss anything else, since it felt like a good conversation and those are not common.


Perfect!

Quote:
I guess that I become quite scared when W makes comments such as "burning all bridges", "destroying everything" and so on. Make me feel like it is definitive and for all future, and I don't even know why.


Well like Thornton said, that is how she feels NOW. And yes, she is convinced that is how she will feel forever. But it is very likely she WILL have a change of heart sometime later. It happens a lot.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks, it felt great! However, expectations are riding wild right now so I have to remind myself to lower them... It could be that she is tactical before going to court to show how cooperative she is. Could be that she really want to find a solution going forward. Anyway, I will need to prepare myself and not expect any particular behaviour from her.

Easier said then done!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Time for some minor update, nothing is happening in my sitch right now really. We are waiting for mediation regarding our D which starts in a few weeks. Neither of us has brought it up or wanted to discuss it. We do get along but both of us always concentrate on our D and puts her in between us at exchange. We also met at an event at Kindergarten (W wanted to join, it was "my" day) and it was like a long exchange.

I feel like it is easier to give her an authentic smile when I see W. Guess that GAL, excercise, no fights or arguments and ot much time together has effect over time. But it has taken a long time to get here, 5 months since BD and moving out approaches.

Sounds like W left D at parents this weekend and went somewhere to see friends (comments from D about her weekend). I instantly start to think about OM, but that does not really get my spinning at the moment. I am still able to keep myself calm. I had some really good days lately and started to plan an actual new life. But I think that I still feel deep down that it will be allright in the end (with W, family etc).

Now I am on my way to the gym, wish you all luck with your sitches!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
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Update of my sitch.

I have not been around for quite some time now, not even reading threads from other ppl like I did previously. I guess that may be a part of the healing process, not obsessing over divorces and looking for tips & tricks all the time.

It is beginning to be a more calm atmosphere when I and W see each other, which is a couple of times every week because of D going between us. We also meet in mediation every other week which has resulted in me recieving confirmation about the goals about D that I thought she had. Me being a "every other weekend dad" in the distans future...
I have managed to get an extra day starting next week but no sleep overs yet. Does not feel good about it but it is what it is.

Have a temporary (I hope) set back regarding GAL. Lots to do at work and then being sick for the past week. So I have not been going to the gym or running much for the past weeks. Being with D has been great and last weekend we had a small birthday gathering together with my family. :-)

Think I need to take a step back and plan again in order to get myself back on track again.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Glad you are doing better. Why accept every other weekend? A year ago, thatís what Iíd get too but the folks here challenged me to get 50-50 and thatís what Iím likely to get (fingers crossed on final negotiations). I️ had to bargain away some other things but at the end of the day, time with the kids was most important to me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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