Wife says that she had enough, files for divorce

[Tread]

Heard that in IC this week as well when W didn't show for S13 counseling. It only confirms that your W is completely gone.

[sandi2]

Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance. I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and there are others (like me) who suffer from this syndrome. In the US, it is called CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and is often accompanied wth Fibromyalgia. It took many years before a lot of doctors in the US accepted, or believed, it was a "real" physical condition. Uninformed people can be extremely judgmental of those who suffer from either or both conditions.

Your W appears to be judgmental and uneducated about chronic fatigue. Some people are so severely affected they cannot hold down a full time job, participate in activities with their children, and miss some of the most important events in the family. Having a spouse who does not have empathy, causes more stress. My concern is that your W has a lot of resentment and coldness in her heart. If she sees you not measuring up to her expectations in a working man.........she will have little respect for you. At this point, your objective is not to appease your W.

There is nothing you can do to change your W. However, I think it was wrong what her lawyer did........and you should be represented by your own lawyer, or she will continue to take advantage of you. She went at you with her unreasonable terms (especially about the child) and you accepted it? I don't understand. Anyway, your priority has to be your health and your rights as the child's father. But, I don't know the laws where you live.

[SwHubby]

Hi Sandi,

Thank you for commenting on my sitch. I have been lucky not experiencing fibromyalgia but I have met others with these symptoms.

Well, I think that W is quite educated regarding CFS, but that the lack of progression has been hurting her and that the time length of my illness has been wearing her down. She has stated on occasion that it has to change, without really saying what. But I guess the entire sitch, to go back to what we once had.

I think that your comment regarding respect feels like spot on. I feel so disrespected, and still get told by W that it is the other way around. Like the world had been turned upside down on occasion. My W has a quite conservative view on family and I think she expected me to take care of our home and of her, as well as being the major "earner". Even though she know about my illness, I think that the coldness and resentment has been building up in her during the years anyway.

Regarding L-stuff: W went on quite hard in the beginning to get sole custody and visitation rights for me to be 2 hours every other week, or if it was every week. Do not even remember, so much happened in a short period of time. However I managed to get 2,5 days/W without spending nights in my home. I accepted that for the time being to avoid conflict and court. During the summer I have tried to get her to let our D sleep in my home without success. I will make a last try this weekend, otherwise it has to be court next since time is running out. I have asked her what the problem is,and the answer showen that she does not have any clear rational arguments, just emotional. Her Idea is that I have to get 100% healthy, stay that way for at least a year without any symptoms, then D might sleep one night at my home,

i got alot of advice about my sitch from terapists (family issues) and L and she has no legal right to do this. The only thing that could help W is that I wait too long to act and that D is considered used to live with W, that it is her "home".

[SwHubby]

Hi,

Took some heat from W today at D-exchange. I find it so hard to follow what she means, and she is. To making it easier to understand by explaining to me. Usually when D is near we act polite and nice towards each other. However, today when D could not hear us, W quickly said:

"I can't believe you are acting this disrespectful and and bad towards me. You are burning all bridges between us!"

And I do not know what she means. A couple of weeks ago she told me that I correct her at times at that it is disrespectful. I know I have done that in the past, but at that time I tried to do it nice to make sure that we were on the same pace in a law discussion. And afterwards I have been really careful to say anything that could be translated that way.

I have, however, restarted the discussion about were D will live going forward again. And I have not yet agreed upon Ws terms about dividing our assets.
I am really trying to dissect the past months to detect "bad behaviour" on my part. I have not yelled, called her things, been acting grumpy or anything like that at all during this process. I try to act "as if" and be happy and carefree. Bit of course my pain will come through on occasion.

Can I think about my sitch in some new way that would make me understand what W means?

I am thinking about validating her and tell her that she seems angry and frustrated. And ask her if she would like to visit a family therapist with me to be able to talk to each other. But on e other hand, I guess it is way to late to validate now....

[lcause]

Maybe you could try to share more here. Some people here are REALLY good at reading others and I don't think you share that much about your interactions. There is a possibility you are doing something which you don't notice yourself - however, it is possible that your W is just in a fog and keeps everything your fault while you are not doing anything wrong. For now and going on, just validate her feelings and say that you are sorry for making her feel that way.

[SwHubby]

Thanks!

Well, I do not really know what to share about since we do not speak much. Just a little bit regarding our D. W is also trying to talk me into dividing assets her way. Which I am stalling, telling her that I have to think about it. I have tried to not initiate anything with W (discussion, arguments etc) and just laying low.

If it is something it must be some kind of vibe or something like that. Or?

Yes, I agree about validating. I just got so confused today that I could not find anything to say really other than "I don't now what you mean?". I really wish she just could tell me what it is that I am doing to her.

She also said today that "she did not recognize me".

I will try to share more going forward. Hopefully there will be something more to share then.

[EastTN]

My guess is that you're "disrespecting" her because you're not being a doormat, giving her everything she wants, and you're not curled up in a ball crying.

[SwHubby]

Hi,

A lot is happening in my sitch, nothing for the better. At least not right now but hopefully in the future. Took up the argumentation regarding seeing D more and get her to live with me in the end of last week. Has also started to initiate government mediation and hopefully W will agree to go there with me so we can start communicate again.
My W told me that she will not agree to increasing my time with D willingly so if I am sure about this then I have to go to court unless mediation is successful (I have a hard time believing it though). But I am not sure.... Sure that I want D in my life, being the best dad and also that she wants it and needs it. Which she expresses everytime we exchange her by trying to cling to me and begging me not to go (However W is clueless about this and seem to not notice it).
But it is the ongoing conflict with W that is constantly bringing me down and make me uncertain. Especially since I am experiencing her to communicate agrressively and trying to pressure me into agreeing with her and what she wants. So I really dread our communication when it is not just about our D.

I feel at my best when I do not communicate with W for a while or just some superficial communication at exchanges where I can just move on afterwards.

Tonight W will probably call me to discuss my requests (and probably tell me to engage her L instead) and respond to if she would agree to see a mediator. I will try to prepare what I should say and responses to things she would probably talk about.

I also suggested last week that we could go and see someone to get us to communicate better (not just mediator). However, I do not know if that was such a good Idea considering the current sitch. But it was heavily suggested by my therapist and seemed like a good Idea at the time.

The goal tonight is:
- Understand what W thinks I am constantly doing to offend W.
- Get her to consider government mediation and hopefully accept it on the spot. She has been uncertain in the past.
- Not accept rude or aggressive behaviour.


I was thinking about talking about how she is treating me and D, but that would probably just make everything else harder to accomplish right now.

[SwHubby]

About the DB-rules...

I have a hard time adjusting them to my sitch. Had to read through them again today to remember them instead of a mix of what I remembered about the rules and advices from all kinds of sitches on this site. W seems like a WAW, have to get away from our R and would probably prefer that I moved to the other side of the world (mindreading). Everything I do is seen as negative and mostly directed somehow at her. It is not my intention to be anything else than "nice and casual" when we meet but I find it hard to be self-aware about my appearance and really analyze it from outside.

Perhaps W finds it confusing that I am trying to be nice to her when I am also contesting her regarding D4 and financials? Like I am false? However, I try to seperate the sitch from W. I am capable of both being hurt/angry and loving/liking her.

I do not think there is someone else since she is spending almost all her time with D and has total focus on her. At least there is not anyone in the open.

We have been living apart since BD which is more than 4 months now. But we still meet regularly a couple of times every week because of D. I only contact W when it is something about D, like changing days or something like that. Or responding to her trying to contact me.


I interpret the rules broadly as:
- Improve yourself and be the S they want to be with and always wished for. But for yourself, because YOU want to be that person for the rest of your life.
- Try to avoid unneccessary contact with your spouse (sort of NC), act as if you are moving on with your life and only initiate when you really have to.
- Be calm and validate when you do communicate with S.
- Be nice like you would be to a collegue you do not know that well at work.
- Do not think or analyze what your S is doing or why he/she did/said something. Will just drive you crazy. See below...


So, the main problem for me is how to handle her being aggressive and mean (as I experience it) to me on occasion and at the same time accusing me for being mean to her. It has really thrown me off going forward and concentrating on myself and D. I am wondering time and time again what I am doing to offend her so much that she thinks I am "burning every bridge". I feel like I am shrinking when she is being aggressive towards me. Hopefully I will understand what she means when we talk tonight so I can adjust if it is justified.

I think it would be much easier to DB by the rules if we did not have any conflicts that upsets both of us...

[joejoe1]

I think you are doing a lot of mind reading. I also don't see any mention of detaching. If you detach, you won't worry about her being mean, if you are truly being nice. Let her feel that way. If you are consistent with being nice and give of positive energy, she will have no choice but to see you in that light. She's feel as thou she has to be mean to you, because if she doesn't you will take it the wrong way and think her mind has changed. Don't try to figure her out. keep DBing and becoming better, time and consistency will have an impact. Her changes won't be immediate, and neither will yours. Just like your understand DBing is taking time, her seeing a new you will take time.