Rebuilding my life

[lcause]

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Going through divorce

I made a new thread to simply let people comment or ask something if they are interested. I'll occasionally pop up here giving updates and helping where I can

[Benito]

Morning

Might be better under the Surviving Divorce section rather than
'for newbies' as you are not actively seeking advice etc.

[lcause]

True. Can be moved. Felt that this board gets a lot more attention and I feel that sharing what happens later on is something a lot of people (especially new ones) are interested in. Surviving is a rather scary word too, lol. It's not like I got seriously ill It's a new chapter.

Side note, I finally realized what "gift of time" meant. Literally, she gave me more time to pursue things I want. In the developed world, time is the most precious thing we all have.

[Benito]

The time "she gave you" was always there.. nothing has changed.

You just have the opportunity now to use it better than what you did previously.

I take it you have managed to sort your own place and job etc now?

[lcause]

Sure but I kept the saying as something that your S giving you time to make it work. I know understand that we can all decide what it means.

Still no job. But I've added projects to my portfolio. I stopped caring what others think. I have understood nothing happens immediately and that we are LEARNERS. Process happens in small steps. I can't immediately find my dream job, I need to build my path there. No matter how self-evident these sound, they haven't been for me. I've always sort of thought I want to get into Olympics without competing in lower series first. That has been changing, bit by bit, day by day.

Also, I'm more and more interested in going back to university to get a degree is business. I constantly get more and more interested in learning.

So, currently I think this divorce was literally the best thing ever happened to me. Of course I can go back speculating that I could have understood this in my M but that simply didn't happen. Sometimes we need to hit the rock bottom before we can see the path back up.

[lcause]

Not sure if this is interesting to anyone or if the people mentioned will read it, I just felt like posting. Again, this can be moved to surviving the divorce if that's a better place for this thread.

25, if you are still reading this, I think your support has been the most valuable for me. If you are going to continue your journey helping strangers and people overall in your life, I'd like to give you some information from a person as messed up as I am.

I understand your points in social GALing and I understand why I am not that interested in being social. This all comes down to neurotransmitters. I don't feel rewarded from social contact. But I've noticed that you are a believer in neuroplasticity so I think the key here is to gradually ramp up and I've already noticed difference. Setting goals and monitoring the results is very important. So, my advice for people like myself is to find ways to slowly build up social interaction. Start by saying one more word to cashier, start out experimenting tiny small talk or jokes to strangers. Start speaking more and more, day by day. Find possibilities but don't focus on what you say and how they will take it (don't be rude of course) because even if they make weird faces, you probably will never meet them again. Don't just force yourself to go in stage to perform an improv or don't push yourself directly to go interact with people if you feel extremely uncomfortable. This WILL weaken your chances of getting better. By gradually building this up, you will make your brain feel rewarded and you will overcome the fear much easier when you take small steps over your comfort zone than immediately pushing yourself to the limits.

I think this same approach should be taken for DBing too. In fact, everything in life. Small changes lead to big improvement over time. Big direct changes lead to overexpectations and premature quitting.

You have probably meant it this way but somehow I just interpreted it correctly and subconsciously the advice made me feel worse (as fear kicked harder in) and thus I rejected it.

AS, I really think you should be a motivational speaker (if you want to be one). You are very good at making people feel better about themselves. You pulled me up so many times and I know you don't trust me I dropped the rope this quickly, but I can now see how much better my life will be. I don't think we were a good match and we married too young. Of course I'm always going to be fond of the M like you said. I don't probably see a recon attempt because I don't DB anymore and it would require a huge change in both of us but I will always remember your comments if that ever happens I hope you will find the time to support new comers at this board and that you'll always keep bringing hope to people in their darkest times.

Btrow, you were quickly pulling me back up when I felt bad. I really appreciate it. I hope you can get your family together.

Thanks for the others too - Felt like I owed some explanation to 25 so it was good to thank everyone at the same time

On a side-note, after I said to my XW that I don't care anymore what she does, I've felt better, detached and I think my XW has noticed this too. I noticed I haven't been thinking her at all. I haven't checked the WhatsApp status in ages because I don't care what she does. She has been smiling at interactions what she didn't really do before. It hasn't felt as awkward anymore. This is mind reading, but at least on some level I'd like to think we are getting past the awkwardness and can continue with our lives. Somehow she is also trying to be more funny and shares more what the kids are doing, using emojis again what she hasn't done in ages. I find myself answering with one word answers because I'm starting to feel some sort of pursue at times even though it isn't... Ironically, I'm feeling like a WAS, I guess.

[lcause]

FINALLY I found out who the OM is. Was curious when I went to get my S and noticed a car that has never been parked over there. XW said she'll bring kids to the parking lot that no worries I don't have to get up from the car. Checked the license plate (I just wanted to know what kind of a man my kids are with) and lo and behold it's the guy she met when she was studying for the entrance examination for her university in a "boarding school" of sorts a year ago. In April she spent two nights away at some kind of a celebration party the school held. Then she spent a night out and that's what she shaved for (clear indicator of PA). The guy apparently broke up with his long-term gf earlier this year if not back then.

Thank GOD I got rid of this woman. We discussed about the guy and his long-term gf a year ago and my XW said this guy stated he would never want to have kids... Odd. Oh well, now I know. At least he's a male nurse so he probably is decent with kids. I don't give a crap anymore otherwise, just hoping that my XW is happy with her decisions so my kids are happy too. But even if I would have had a tiny thought about ever getting back even if she for some reason wanted to, it died just now

[Btrow]

LC,

When reading your most recent posts it's almost like reading posts from a whole new person than the one that was LC a couple of months ago. So it seems that you have come a long way. Well done.

Clearly it must have hurt just a tiny bit to realise that this AP might have "been around" longer than expected?

I too are baffled that he doesn't want to have kids but seem ok to take over a woman with two little ones? So either she was lying back then or maybe he's just a POS taking advantage... Either way, you are doing great so keep doing what you are doing. It's clearly working for you!

[lcause]

Btrow, it hurt my ego of course. But then I remembered how low a person has to be to do this and I started laughing. He isn't an alpha male, not even close. I don't think she was lying then because she wouldn't have had a reason to (she was def in love with me).

Thanks. It really was a flip of a switch. And reframing let me see how many positives this has. I'm not a match with this woman and I now believe I've been depressed due to our R. So it is better for both of us.

[Maika]

L - been through your sitch and it's awesome you've come to a place of peace for yourself.

I am curious to know if your W made moves for a serious recon, would you consider it?

I see from your posts that you have straddled a great balance between emotionally and intellectually processing your sitch. I see more of the latter in your recent posts and I am guessing that is because you've come to some emotional equilibrium.

I also have a very strong tendency to intellectualize everything - this allows me to safeguard my emotions so that I don't have to feel hurt and pain. It's a safety mechanism that I have honed due to life circumstances. I am slowly trying to bring a balance to this and not immediately intellectualizing everything.

I wonder if you have a similar tendency and that maybe there is still some hurt that you are intellectually willing it away.

Just curious and not trying to bring you down with all the amazing personal work you have done.