The light switch is off folks, no contact from WW since our talk (no counting number of days this time around!). A-OK with me but I have been thinking a lot. I have realized that I created this idealized version of WW in my head and that is really what I was so in love with. That makes me very sad. I am so objective in life but in this situation just blind as a bat. Everyone else was right it turns out.
I always find it interesting how she can go from talking to me constantly to nothing overnight. Another interesting observation is an emotion that is actually new to me throughout this journey: ANGER!. I am so angry toward to her right now. I know I have to let it go. I haven’t felt anger before, sadness of course but not anger. Maybe it is the cheating revelations that felon let me know about. I can’t believe how she plays that off as no big deal. Wonder how she would feel if the situation was reversed…hmmmm..
My view of WW has changed so much over the past year since we started talking and hanging out again. I think that has a lot to do with what was holding me back. When I thought of or think of her, I do not think of the love of my life. I see her as a cheater, a liar and someone that I cannot trust in any respect. I cannot trust with her other men. I cannot trust her to be honest with me. I cannot trust that when there are problems, that she will try and work them out rather than running for the closest door. In the words of our current U.S leader.. SAD! Can I tell her this at some point? I really really want to. If WW, has one weak spot, it is that she cares immensely what other people think of her regardless of her actions. I think I won’t make it a point to tell her, but when we talk again, if the time is right I think I’ll bring it up.
I need a crash course in Pax PMA! I think this is the first time that I know things are over, the first time I want them to be over. I am going to give myself a week or two to decompress. If I don’t hear from WW, I will go ahead and file on my own. I have been crushing it at the gym and playing hockey still to keep myself up there. Also planned a labor day party that should be good. Ya’ll should come 😊! After that, I have to go hike Mt. Washington before it gets too cold. I am going to power through this!
One of my favorite quotes... "Sorry I can't hear you, your actions are too loud."
Have you spoken to her yet? As of the time of this post, her behavior is pretty telling, yes?
I don't know the dynamics so I can't infer or mind read, but there could be a million reasons for her being silent. Both positive and not so positive.
Good for you to decompress and be still for a bit! And yes, go nuts with GALing! It's fun! Haha.
I love that you planned a Labor Day party! Enjoy the mt Washington hike. When are you going to do that?
Also, I would encourage you to do something you always wanted to do/experience and just go for it! Have fun. Say yes to experiences. That's what I do even if I put myself waaaaay outside if my comfort zone. Yesterday, I went to a pool party with some gym peeps. It was one of those Vegas style pool parties which I outgrew 12 years ago. But I sucked it up and went and had THE BEST time. Normally I would tell myself that I am Benjamin button.... I'm a 60 year old trapped in a 33 year old body, but after 2 vodka sodas (I'm a lightweight) I'm reminded that age is just a number and it's ok to be out of your comfort zone. So I ended up chatting it up with the 20-something shirtless trainers. Meh-could be worse! Haha. But enough about me.....
What's something you've always wanted to do and accomplish that you never really did for whatever reason? It can be small too... Doesn't have to be major.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
So sorry to hear that W hasn't contacted you in a while. As Pax said it could be for a number of reasons and maybe you do need to sit still for a while as it seems you are acting on your emotions which at the moment is anger.
Sending you hugs. I know you have been through the mill and this must be exhausting for you. Take care Pinn.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
One of my favorite quotes... "Sorry I can't hear you, your actions are too loud."
Have you spoken to her yet? As of the time of this post, her behavior is pretty telling, yes?
I don't know the dynamics so I can't infer or mind read, but there could be a million reasons for her being silent. Both positive and not so positive.
Naw still haven't heard from here but I did not expect to. This is par for the course... when shes off... shes off. Like I said, been through this many times. Usually means one thing. I have no desire to talk to her anyway. As you could probably tell, I have been pretty cold the past year towards her. Sometimes, honestly, I would be like ugh... we have to hang out tonight. This relationship is over, there is no coming back. 20 years of this and I have had enough. She's a selfish, cheating, liar who I cannot trust on multiple different levels. But enough of that negativity!
Originally Posted By: Pax_luv
Good for you to decompress and be still for a bit! And yes, go nuts with GALing! It's fun! Haha.
I love that you planned a Labor Day party! Enjoy the mt Washington hike. When are you going to do that?
Also, I would encourage you to do something you always wanted to do/experience and just go for it! Have fun. Say yes to experiences. That's what I do even if I put myself waaaaay outside if my comfort zone. Yesterday, I went to a pool party with some gym peeps. It was one of those Vegas style pool parties which I outgrew 12 years ago. But I sucked it up and went and had THE BEST time. Normally I would tell myself that I am Benjamin button.... I'm a 60 year old trapped in a 33 year old body, but after 2 vodka sodas (I'm a lightweight) I'm reminded that age is just a number and it's ok to be out of your comfort zone. So I ended up chatting it up with the 20-something shirtless trainers. Meh-could be worse! Haha. But enough about me.....
That is so weird!! Holy crap. So I got a message from my sister in law's best friend (we are all good friends) to go to her uncle's house for a party. Most of the group couldn't go, but I was immediately like heck yea! I got my brother and another friend to go. Anyway, we are driving there and the houses are getting more and more fancy... we turn on the street and all the homes were multi million dollar like mansions! This house was ridic with a crazy back yard pool. It was like a movie! Crazy lights, music, food, pet rabbits came out at some point. I was sitting there and was just thinking, this is amazing! So sounds like we had a similar weekend!
Originally Posted By: Pax_luv
What's something you've always wanted to do and accomplish that you never really did for whatever reason? It can be small too... Doesn't have to be major.
So I think this Ju Jit Su thing is what I am going to do. I talked to some folks there and seems like it is a pretty tight group. Should be good. And hopefully Mt Washington soon. Signed up for two halfs but I have already done a bunch of those (that ten mile run was not fun this morning after yesterday!).
Pax, I know our time here is going to become less and less. I hope we find a way to keep in touch. No one knows my situation better than the people here, no one.
So sorry to hear that W hasn't contacted you in a while. As Pax said it could be for a number of reasons and maybe you do need to sit still for a while as it seems you are acting on your emotions which at the moment is anger.
Sending you hugs. I know you have been through the mill and this must be exhausting for you. Take care Pinn.
Hey Coly! Yea I am definitely in anger mode. But I have not done anything to act on it. I only would if she contacted me. But this is definitely over. One of my main questions (and I almost posted it here) was answered. I was wondering if the trauma associated with the original BD and her post BD spin into depression would make it less likely for her to do it again. Nope! Her impulses take over and that's it. So I'll give it another week or so and then I am filling. Time to get off this crazy train!
I have a feeling you are going to be just fine, Pinn. That party sounded awesome. I say go for the Ju jit su. I did Kung fu right after we separated and it was awesome.
Ps- i have no idea on how to sneakily get in touch. BUT if you ever join Match you might be able to find me.
Have a great Sunday evening!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hey there DBR's... how goes?? Still no word from WW (or STBXW now) and I am perfectly OK with that. I only want to hear from her if she is telling she filed. I feel like 1000 pounds have been lifted off me... time to live life!
So I have been thinking a bit about what to do with myself, to get out of that comfort zone. Came up with a few ideas. I am def going to do the Ju Jit Su once they change the class time for winter. I will also take new classes at my gym. But I don't think these count as getting me out of my comfort zone. Anything physical probably does not count. But I'll get to meet some new people!
I am also thinking of taking a few graduate level courses in biomedical engineering. That is the field I want to enter (it's proving tough!). But I went to school forever already so that does not count either.
So I think I have these three that are a bit different:
1. Dancing. Sotto I did like that idea and am seriously considering it. I think it would be fun. Maybe swing dancing...hmmmm... I'll have to see if I can find a class geared towards singles. I am a terrible dancer but I have fun!
2. Cooking course. Never realized what a terrible cook I was until my brother bunked with me the past two weeks as he waits for his apartment. I eat to just eat.. so bland... ugh. I doubt any future mrs pinn is going to like that. wonder how easy it would be find this for singles.
3. I always wanted to really learn spanish. So I might look around for some local classes there.
Any thoughts on those?
Oh and Pax I thought about your little accomplishment suggestion and it came to me today. So embarrassing but I live in a rather small town so never really have the need to parallel park and really don't know how. So that is the short term goal haha! (my gym has spots I can use for this)
Other good news is that we are going rock climbing at an indoor gym next week for work! I always wanted to try that so I'll be able to check that off. If I like it, maybe I'll see if there is one around locally.
I have the get together at my house this weekend. Should be good. Only problem is that it is already getting cool making my pool almost un-useable....boooo :-(
I am thinking it might be time to change my gym. I usually do about every 2 years anyway. My gym is not focused to my age group (much older) haha. I definitely will not be meeting anyone there.
I am just starting to slowly poke my head out into this new world (and what a world it is!). I want this next relationship to be great. Time to live life!
