Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Originally Posted By: Maika
Thanks for more details on this.

Is she at any point bringing up the MR? I think you should wait for an opening. I am not sure if you should initiate it and apologize for everything you have noted. If she's hurt and fragile right now, maybe be more careful because she might just need time and space rather than you saying anything.

One thing you can do without apologizing, and can be a 180, is if she's making little comments that you were taking the wrong way in the past, maybe clarify in a positive way or ask a question about it while communicating you are trying to understand what she is saying. I think that might be more powerful because she is seeing in action rather than you saying anything about the behaviour.

Definitely validate her, but maybe wait for her to bring it up.


Thank you. Great advice! No she's not talking about the MR and and she's also not talking about separation anymore either. I'm going to take you're advice and continue to 180. I will save the validation for later.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Well one of my suspicions is now confirmed. The W doesn't pay any attention to how I look, what I do around the house, etc.

What does it mean when the W doesn't really look at you? Over a month ago I shaved off my full beard which I've had for years in exchange for a goatee. Last night I trimmed the goatee and a few hours later she looked at me and said "you shaved off your beard". I trimmed the goatee I said. Her response "when did you have a goatee?" How could this woman possibly see me everyday for a month and not noticed that I shaved? Co-workers noticed but she didn't? The isn't the first time I've noticed this behavior over the past few weeks either. A week after I replaced the mailbox she commented that she just got mail out of the new box for the first time. This was on Saturday after she got mail Monday thru Friday out of it. The other day she asked me how to open the trunk of my car. Something she has done at least a dozen times before.

Is this a sign of stress? MLC? Confusion? Could she have something medically wrong with her (brain tumor)?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Yesterday the W and I did some talking through text about our relationship. Believe me it was not my intention to get into a R discussion. She mentioned wanting to move out so that she could think about things and then perhaps give me another chance. I suggested that we schedule a sit down talk so we can begin working on things right away and she acted as though I was pushing her and ended the conversation.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
WS logic is anything from you is considered pushing. Even if they made the suggestion. They want you to shut up and simply nod.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Earlier this week I met with my counselor and when I explained the W's recent actions he read for me the signs of passive aggressive behavior. She has all but one. After doing some reading up, she's trying to manipulate me through P/A. She wants me to get angry and push her away. Now that I understand her behavior better I haven't fallen for it once. The results have been extremely confusing. 2 days after the change in my behavior (anti P/A) she came home from work and cuddled with me on the couch. This is the first time in 3 months.

Then today while I'm out and she's at home she texts me and says that our girl cat won't let her get anything done. She continues to say that she's tired of babysitting and that she'll be gone in a month. First of all this is her cat but during the bomb drop in May she told me that she was leaving both cats with me. I realize that all of this was to get a rise out of me but it's also interesting that since she can't blame me for her unhappiness it's now a cat's fault. Is there any way for her to healthily express this unresolved anger causing the P/A? Should I continue to ignore it?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
Just a quick update:

The W and I spent labor day together hiking and talking. We talked like friends about our hopes and dreams. She seemed to talk about grandiose ideas which did not include a man (myself included). When we got home for the day, she went right back into P/A mode saying something about what a great guy I am and how she hopes I can find a really nice girl. I shouldn't of but I told her that discussing adultry of any kind was offensive to me. This led to a several hour conversation in which she said that she never felt loved by me. When I asked her if she ever felt love from any man, she said no. So in a nutshell she doesn't know how to accept love and I do a poor job of showing it. By the end of the conversation she said that it's too late to save any relationship because ours has been over for so long. Then she throws out that my GAL is proof that I don't care about her. She went on and on as if trying to justify ways that I don't love her. Are all of these things sign that DBing is working or just more confirmation that this is over?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
One more thing:

She said repeatedly during that conversation that I didn't want to be with her, I just don't want to be alone. How do I prove her wrong?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
M
mxdup Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 51
This morning I awoke to an email from her about a house she's interested in buying. Once again I believe she was trying to get a rise out of me.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Okay - stop doing activities with her, especially stuff like hiking because you have a lot of time to kill with her and there has to be conversation. I turned down a hike just two weeks ago with W because it sounded ridiculous considering the sitch we're in.

What you said down there is a variation of many things my W has said to me post BD and before I started DBing. Right now she's associating you with all her problems - you need to take yourself out of the equation so that she can see that her troubles didn't just magically disappear once you weren't around.

Quote:
By the end of the conversation she said that it's too late to save any relationship because ours has been over for so long. Then she throws out that my GAL is proof that I don't care about her. She went on and on as if trying to justify ways that I don't love her.


This is all rationalization on her part that she is doing the right thing. All you can do is validate here and say that you are sorry she feels this way - I can't come up with something else right now but Wonka's sheet has some good examples.

I think you need to have less contact with her.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
My W at one point said something very similar. To which I laid exactly what I wanted:

"I understand you feel this way, but it's not true. I do not want the S/D. I'd like to work on our marital problems because S/D is not the solution in my opinion. But, if that's what you want, I won't stand in your way."

And then don't ever say it again. I did it a couple of times because I felt like WTF is she talking about and didn't she understand what I said the first time? They know, so don't keep saying it. It makes them even more mad.

I think your W is in fantasy land right now, with the house buying and all of this. My W was there but reality snapped once we were physically separated. Are you living together?


No one is coming to save you!

Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard