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A Message from Michele
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Re: Attaining MEH [Re: woundedfool] #2757406
08/22/17 02:39 AM
08/22/17 02:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Hi!

The boys and I had a good weekend ... I'm still recovering though! They won the tournament which was awesome!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't dealing with some frustration behind the scenes with my situation though.

Friday H watched me pack the whole night, loading the car with the tent coolers chairs etc and didn't lift a finger. I actually, for the first time, wasn't phased. I drank a bottle of wine while getting everything done and had a good night. Saturday morning we had to be out of the house by 6am so I got all the kids ready and we made it out of the house on time (small victories) I didn't wake H up so he was getting himself up as we left.

So we had a game first thing in the morning with a large gap in between. My parents had both come. Side note : my parents do not engage with H anymore. They will respond if he talks to them but they do not make conversation and we say with the other families. H tried to include himself and make conversation and people were polite but did not push conversation if that makes sense. We went to breakfast after the game. H followed us ... I was surprised. We had said bye at the game and there was no mention of him asking to come. I had a good time at breakfast. We sat across from each other and I didn't make conversation with him or try to directly talk to him we just had a general conversation about funny memories and the baby made us laugh because he was in such a good mood. We then we to a big surf shop that's well known and did some shopping. H followed us there as well. He just participates as if nothing is wrong. After the second soccer game I loaded the kids up and he said goodbye. S6 asked if H was coming to the hotel and in front of H I said no buddy we have stuff to do you will see him tomorrow. He told S6 he had to go take care of the dogs. My parents and the boys and I met a few of my friends at a local bar/restaurant on the water and had some drinks then went to the hotel to let the kids swim (it had a big water park with slides and a tiki bar haha) we stayed at the pool til probably 9 or so. H text me quite a few times about the kids if they were having fun, when he could call etc. I just replied warmly that we were all having a great time and thanks for asking! I also reminded him after he sent a few texts wanting to know when they would be available to call him that he could message or face time them directly. He said no he wanted to talk to them on my phone. So I had them call, S9 didn't want to talk to him but I told him he needed to (H heard me tell him that) so he said hi bye and gave me the phone and I hung up. I don't talk to him on the phone when he talks to the kids. I don't feel I need to unless he asks to if he has a question aboutnthe kids.

My dad was home that night at our house with H. I guess H asked him to go to dinner, twice. My dad declined.

Sunday was a repeat. Two games with a bjg gap in between. We had plans with another family from the team to get brunch by the pool and let the kids swim (we had a 5 hour break in between the final match) so H asked me in front of the boys if he was allowed to come hang out with us at the pool. I was aggravated that he did it in front of the kids so I said 'whatever you want to do H'.

My friends husband says my H is a psychopath. He does not understand how he acts and why he continues to want to do these things. What frustrates me is H doesn't acknowledge me ever. No hello goodbye goodnight NOTHING but yet I'm supposed to accommodate him. My friends and family said what I did was the right thing for the kids this weekend. So I just have to be content with that. But his life needs to change. He needs to see reality. This isn't. It

After w elect the game on Sunday he came over and asked if we were going out to eat on the way home. I said I wasn't sure but we would probably stop with our friends somewhere. He said ok and told the boys he was going to head home first to let the dogs out. I Asked him to go grocery shopping for the week.

Came home he put away groceries, packed lunches, and did homework. FIRST TIME he has EVER done any of those things. I thanked him.

I'm struggling with anger. Why couldn't he do those things when we were together. I mean why couldn't he help me out when I was 9 months pregnant doing even a fraction of what he did Sunday. Oh ya because I made him miserable and I made him be a bad father and now that divorce has been filed he's not miserable and can be a good dad. That's right

He did a few more things Sunday night. He heard me saying a light was out in the bedroom. I came back in from doing laundry to find he fixed the light. He then came in my room to ask a question and took my dinner plate and asked if I needed anything. I thanked him for fixing the light and that was it.

We didn't have much interaction yesterday. Besides him telling me something about the boys school project. He doesn't say goodnight to me still or do anything of that nature.

I don't know. I'm just who knows. My dad has said all weekend he has seen a shift in him the last couple weeks but especially the last 5 days. He said he is really trying to engage in conversation with my dad. He also said e can't get rid of him lol. Before he wouldn't come home til 9pm or later. Now he's home at 6 and home or around us all weekend. All of us are confused. He leaves for the week for his trip up north with his multiple OW on Wednesday. I can't wait to have the house without him there. It will be hard for me knowing what he's doing up there and that he's staying with OW for the week but I'll get through it.

I'm going to have a conversation with him maybe tonight depending on his mood. Very short and sweet. That this is our family/marital home and he can do as he pleases somewhere else. It's not working for me him continuing to be here. Illthank for all the changes he's made and the help he's given (blah blah) but that it's time he goes.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757423
08/22/17 03:19 AM
08/22/17 03:19 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
Midwest USA
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woundedfool Offline
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Midwest USA
Thanks for the update! Sounds like a good weekend.

Originally Posted By: T384
Side note : my parents do not engage with H anymore. They will respond if he talks to them but they do not make conversation and we say with the other families.


You didn't ask... Nor is necessarily your responsibility. But since you do know this about your parents, you may want to have a talk with them:

I can understand (and appreciate) their loyalty to you, but their stopping engagement with H is not really a good thing. They do not need to be his best friend, call him for plans every Wednesday night, or go fishing every weekend.

IMhO, they should still continue open and reasonable lines of communication with him. Including being the ones to engage him first. God willing they will be interacting with him for the next 17+ years, and if H needs an emergency sitter in 3 years on his custody weekend, its better for him to have your parents as a "neutral ally" then leaving kids with a potential unknown "significant other".


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: woundedfool] #2757426
08/22/17 03:31 AM
08/22/17 03:31 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
My parents are friendly...

I guess it's easier to read here than to see it in real life. H has beeen a real POS... my parents see how he treats me and how he has treated the boys up until the last week or so. Hell, our friends on the soccer team sees how he had treated me. When I was pregnant not helping carry anything but so busy talking with others. He's made his own picture. I have told others not to fight my battles. I know it's uncomfortable for everyone.

They are friendly. They say hello. But they do not push conversation. They do not start conversation. They will respond or engage if H starts it but that's it. It's not like we're sitting at breakfast with our backs turned to H ignoring him lol

I hope that clarifies a little bit more of what it looks like.

As far as a legal standpoint - we are asking for right of first refusal meaning H cannot have someone else watch the boys on his time. They would come directly to me.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757443
08/22/17 04:13 AM
08/22/17 04:13 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,828
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OwnIt Offline
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T, why is he still in the house and coming and going? Seems like his trip with OW will be a great time to change the locks and ensure that he does not come back.

I still hear that hope in your writing when you describe that change in his behavior. Try to ignore the micro-analysis and move forward with the big picture.

Re: Attaining MEH [Re: OwnIt] #2757463
08/22/17 05:01 AM
08/22/17 05:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
UK
T
Treasur Offline
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More of this, T. You are doing really well. The big point you said that struck me was about reality now and that This Isn't It. Hold to that, girl. You are doing so well and your H is just going to have to start seeing that he has made his bed now...


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757513
08/22/17 08:15 AM
08/22/17 08:15 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
Midwest USA
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woundedfool Offline
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Originally Posted By: T384
H has beeen a real POS

No disagreement there wink

Quote:
They are friendly. They say hello. But they do not push conversation. They do not start conversation. They will respond or engage if H starts it but that's it.

Much like the DB mantra... let your parents think of him as a friendly neighbor.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: woundedfool] #2757557
08/22/17 02:16 PM
08/22/17 02:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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(((T3)))

let your parents be as they wish. Short of cussing him out or punching him, there's no need to micromanage their r's.

Of course they feel differently now -he's the man who broke their daughter's heart, twice. (They'd be as crazy as he is if they pretended all is well.)

As for his gestures of help, yay. "Better late than never" could be your internal mantra.
No one who knows the situation is going to shake their heads at you for "just divorcing him for no reason"...

and those who don't know don't matter. I struggle with this b/c my FIL and his wife have not reached out to me. That hurts, tbh.

You have a lot of good friends and close family. (Me too and heck, I don't need them all!) Plus, we have no control over this anyway.

I spent a lot of time thinking maybe I could reach out to them with just the right words said in the correct order and then -then--then they'd see me as valuable and then....then what?? Choose me?? His family won't choose me over him, pretty much no matter what.
So there's no point in going there.

Your MIL is a weak frightened woman. I actually pity her. She reminds me of my late MIL. A gentle but emotionally fragile woman who'd never stand up to h. She spoiled h and in hindsight, I guess that was a problem. Anyhow, enough said.

Your kids love you. Which makes sense!

You are doing great personal work. You may not know it b/c you are mired in the minutiae, but it's real growth.

You are a strong beautiful smart woman with a lot of love in your life.

I can't wait to see what you create in your new life!

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757669
08/23/17 07:08 AM
08/23/17 07:08 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote:
I'm going to have a conversation with him maybe tonight depending on his mood. Very short and sweet. That this is our family/marital home and he can do as he pleases somewhere else. It's not working for me him continuing to be here. Illthank for all the changes he's made and the help he's given (blah blah) but that it's time he goes.


I don't think I'd mention thanking him for his changes confused, nor his help. He has had an ulterior motive all the way through. If he could, he would use your own words to show what a great guy he's been.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: sandi2] #2757676
08/23/17 07:38 AM
08/23/17 07:38 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
I had the conversation last night. I think it was a double edged sword for me bringing me peace but also pulling me back quite a bit.

I kept it under 10 minutes and he didn't say much at all except he was unhappy he couldn't live in an unhappy marriage, he never said there's nobody else - just that he comes home and goes to work and he doesn't know what I think he's up to. He said he's only worried about the boys , that he told his lawyer he wants things to be peaceful and civil. That he's going to PA today to spend time with his family and get a break from life and that he's been so miserable he needs time to be happy. Etc etc.

My conversation was I appreciate your help the last couple days but this isn't working for me. You need to do what you've said you wanted for months and to go. If you want to have your flings, inappropriate relatisnhisn with other women and just generally do whatever then do what you want but not in our family home. I said we have 3 boys that I'm here to pick up the pieces while you come and go as you please. It's not right and they are watching. I refuse to let them think this is how you treat a wife, your family or even just a human being.

Mostly he just said ok ok ok

When he said he only goes to work. I said like thennigjt you went to this females house. He denied it and I just laughed and moved on. Then he got paranoid and goes I know you have my phone tapped, I know you have a tracker on my phone, I know you can read all my messages like you did last time. I said that's what s sad is there's a last time and you're still doing this. Don't forget because of last time I know what you are and what you're capable of. I said I don't need to look into anything anymore because my brain can't handle knowing more than I already know.

He said well we have a lot to figure out and talk about. I said no, here's not a we anymore. You have a lot to figure out, these are your decisions and choices you need to figure it out. He said he told his attorney he wants it to be peacefully and civil and not screw me over. I said well I guess you've done that enough already but it's not rainbows and sunshine. There's a V in between our name for a reason and I am letting my attorney handle everything so I will be taking her lead. I mean paying her to protect the boys and I best interest.

He said again he couldn't live unhappy. I said nobody asked you to live unhappy. This is a pattern you've created and until you can be happy with what's in front of you this will be your life. I said just like your ex warned me. It's the same crap. Same as last time too. It will continue until you realize that you have to be happy with yourself and not finding material things or women to give you external happiness. I said but I'm not getting into that. I don't care about anything then you doing what you've said you wanted which is to go out of the house.

He said okay I will but it will take a few weeks I need to start saving. I said well maybe you should have been saving instead of buying diamond earrings or a lift kit, plane tickets, concert tickets. He goes well I bought the earrings to pawn for my attorney. I laughed again.

I didn't give him details on the women I know up there or the boss daughter. I only let him know truth when it was relevant like when he said he had no money is the earrings. I want him to wonder what all I know. And hearing him over and over say he knows I can read his messages shows me how paranoid he really is.

I ended the conversation saying that the kids and I deserve so much more. That marriages take work and to leave someone a second time while pregnant/with a newborn is so sad. That I deserve so much better and our boys deserve better. That I hope he finds the happiness he's searching for. I then told him I had made him dinner it was in the oven wth a smile I told him to have a safe flight walked to my room and shut the door.

Don't expect to talk to him at all. Planning on changing the front door lock while he's gone he got our oldest a phone without telling me (we had recently agreed no phone until middle school) but this will be good because he can talk to them without calling me.

He wrote our son a long text after our conversation last night that said we both love him he knows things aren't great right now and life throws us curve balls but that we both love him and we're both so proud of him.

Anyway. That was that. Hopefully he will go now that he has heard me sternly say he isn't wanted here. Time for reality for him.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Attaining MEH [Re: T384] #2757679
08/23/17 08:14 AM
08/23/17 08:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
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Henwen Offline
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Posts: 147
I have been following your sitch since the beginning. And I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you. But you are such a shining example of what needs to be done in times like these. You are very strong and You are so right. You and the boys deserve the absolute best. Love and light to you.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
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