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mxdup Offline OP
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Just a quick update:

We did not go to the movies last night. She arrived home in a great mood from quitting her job. We watched a bit of TV together and it felt a little too much like the past (too routine). I got up and went to the store so that we could both have some space. When I returned I went to another room and watched a movie.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
I have been going out with the guys regularly (at least once a week) since this all started months ago and I'm already sick of that environment. With that said my counselor is telling me that I should only do what I want to do. I don't like to go out all the time. It's a waste of money and I feel like I'm doing something I'm not wanting to do or trying to be someone or something I'm not................I'd much rather go to the gym or do something on my own.


GAL doesn't mean "go out with the guys and feel like you're wasting money and do something you don't want to do." Your answer is in the last part of the quote..... If you want to go to the gym or do something on your own, then that's what you should do.


M:23 T:26
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
GAL doesn't mean "go out with the guys and feel like you're wasting money and do something you don't want to do." Your answer is in the last part of the quote..... If you want to go to the gym or do something on your own, then that's what you should do.


Thanks Jim. I think I discovered that on my own this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure what happened but I had some powerful thoughts this weekend and am in a great place this morning. More than anything I decided to take some responsibility for how my wife is feeling. Journaling that process seems to have made me realize that she is telling the truth about how she's feeling. I kept looking to blame her for going crazy, MLC, hormones, listening to a friend, etc. I think the truth is she's miserable and doesn't see things getting better as long as she's with me. My focus needs to be on changing the things I agree with and GAL whether she comes around or not.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
My focus needs to be on changing the things I agree with and GAL whether she comes around or not.


mxdup,

Now you're in the zone. Good for you! When your wife realizes that you'll be just fine without her, it changes the dynamics of the relationship.

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So just a quick update:

The W spent most of the weekend with me and it's messing with my head. I did just as my therapist said to do, invite her to do something you enjoy and if she doesn't come along, go anyway. So I invited her to the music store, she came along. Then she wanted to go to another store that we both like going to and then we went to dinner together. The following morning, she wanted to go to breakfast together. Then she said that she had studying to do all afternoon. I decided to go to a movie while she studied. Guess what? She came along to the movie too.

Is this her reacting to my GAL or is she just hanging out with a friend? I know it shouldn't matter but it does to me. Honestly, I was in a much better place mentally before she wanted to be around me lol.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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When my sons were young, I used to read a children's book to them that's titled "If You Give a Moose a Muffin." Your weekend sounds very much like the story line of the book.

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I've really come to grips with the fact that my W is very hurt by my previous actions. I was a "beta" husband who did all the household chores and it was never good enough for her. Since the BD in late May I have realized that my passiveness was mistaken for not caring. I have realized that I was pushing her away (w/o realizing it) because of her negative attitude towards me. After spending time with her this weekend I feel the need to validate some of her feelings.

Suggestions on how to do this without taking all the blame?


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Look at Wonka's cheat sheet that is stickied to the newcomers for validation - I've been using that when the opportunity arose. Takes practice for the W to really believe it because you are changing up your script. Practice for a bit, even in the mirror if you can. The more you use it the more natural it will become.

Is she in a place where she can 'hear' you? I mean really 'hear' you? Can she listen to you? If she isn't, don't even try to talk to her about the blame game. My W also blames me a lot, and I did a lot of the beta husband things you mentioned, but she contributed a lot to the breakdown of the MR. I am seeing that now. What do you see that she was doing as a beta W?

If she wants to blame you, just validate her feelings using a variation of examples from Wonka's sheet. Don't get defensive, but don't be a doormat.

If you read my sitch, I have written about an episode in the last weeks where I was trying to validate and W snapped at me and I just gave her a calm response and said a number of things - stuff that goes against DBing. But it felt right and natural in the moment and I didn't want to be misunderstood. My silence on what she brought up would have been read as confirmation to her and so I had to break that. I don't think she heard me because she's not in a place to hear me yet, but I wasn't going to just cave in to whatever her interpretation of my behaviour was - I stood up for myself and I didn't care how she took my reaction.

The blamegame will continue until she looks at how she also is responsible for the situation. Until she gets there, you can't convince her otherwise. I just choose not to be a doormat and stay in limbo and wait for that to happen - it may never happen or happen way past my own timeline.

So, there is a nuance, but practice validation. If she reacts poorly to it, come back and post the convo here and lets see what the vets have to say.


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mxdup Offline OP
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Thanks Maika. Yes she is starting to listen and look around as if she just came out of a fog. Over the weekend she noticed several changes around the house that have been there for weeks.

Right now she's not really blaming me for anything. Honestly I think she's too hurt/fragile for that right now. We are talking like friends and things are quite civil. What I'm talking about are the little comments she made in the past which I took the wrong way. I now realize that she was trying to tell me how I was hurting her and how unhappy she was becoming. I instead heard her as being ridiculous and mean. I now realize this was not her intent. Therapy has actually taught me that I was hearing my overbearing mother not my W. This of course is very unfair to the W and I really want to validate/apologize for it. I have also learned that I was actually passive/aggressive at times as opposed to just beta. Again, I feel as though I should validate her feelings as they are at least to some extent justified.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
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Thanks for more details on this.

Is she at any point bringing up the MR? I think you should wait for an opening. I am not sure if you should initiate it and apologize for everything you have noted. If she's hurt and fragile right now, maybe be more careful because she might just need time and space rather than you saying anything.

One thing you can do without apologizing, and can be a 180, is if she's making little comments that you were taking the wrong way in the past, maybe clarify in a positive way or ask a question about it while communicating you are trying to understand what she is saying. I think that might be more powerful because she is seeing in action rather than you saying anything about the behaviour.

Definitely validate her, but maybe wait for her to bring it up.


No one is coming to save you!

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