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Hi SwHubby,

Please don't give up if you love your wife, do everything you can at least for another year. Continue with the DRing and GAL with your D and continue to improve yourself as you have the opportunity to show this with the interaction you are bound to have when S comes by.

Think to yourself "look what's back out on the market and what you've given up" when she's around be confident happy and aloof, always smile and continue to have a PMA.

It can happen just be patient and give it time...

Come on we can do this, take care.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
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Hi Mark,

Thanks for your input. I highly appreciate it!

I won't give up just yet, I still have some hope deep down that we will find our way back to each other someday. But I also realize that it will take at least a year of hard work. W still has the feeling that she's doing the right thing (about everything) and all my actions and words are seen in a negative light no matter what they are about. Yesterday she wanted to talk a little bit, among other things she accussed me of deliberately ruin the day she moved into her apartment. That day she received a letter from the court that I had contacted them to make sure that our preliminary agreement regarding D wasn't getting final. The thing was that I contacted the court a month before that date... I asked her if she had wanted me to throw away the letter instead and of course she didn't want that.

We are still discussing visitations regarding D. I want her to understand that I want to be highly involved in D:s life. I don't want to be an "every other weekend dad". But I also don't want to start a fight and going to court if it's something we could resolve on our own (which we should be able to). Met my stepdad today, we threw away the last stuff in our house before the sale is closed on Friday. We avoided talk about my R with W which felt good. We always have a really good connection and I enjoy spending time with him.

Moved to my own place this weekend. It is starting to feel like home now which is a nice feeling. :-) GAL activities are centered around my apartment and home improvement projects. But also some excercise. Also bought the headspace app today. Has been meditating on and off the past 2 years but I think that some time every morning and every night to clear out my head will help me think more clearly, think before caring and improve sleep.

I will start working after summer vacation on Monday which feels great. Will be good for me to meet a lot of ppl and try to do some GAL activities with them after work. My friends are joking with me, telling me to get Tinder. I just laughed at them. I have zero interest in dating. There's enough to deal with as it is. :-)

Also quit the SSRI's last Friday after medicating for 2,5 years. Feels great! Have been reducing the dose since March. Think that I am on the right track health-wise.

About that comment about dropping the rope - I think that I can do it and still hope for a future where we are together. However, what's important is that both of us will be happy. I cannot revy on W or expect her to change her mind. I just have to work on my own life, me and my D. And maybe, maybe, she feels joy being in my company again. I have been reading Benni8's thread alot lately. That is better than any inspirational speech for me. :-) His story is really inspiring and proves that personal development can change relationships, even though they are "broken". Even if it doesn't work out in the end, given the change he's been going through, he's a winner no matter what.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Update:

Last week of this year's summer vacation. In a way, it feels good that it is coming to an end since I will have work to distract me then.

W continues to take everything I say or do as a direct insult towards her. I know that this is to be expected and has written about it before, but it is so hard to experience. She is really working hard to find flaws in me and our relationship and if she cannot find any at the moment, she's perfectly happy to fabricate them. But I know this is probably a subconcious process, to make sure she's on the right track.

Had a great afternoon with D. She got to visit my new apartment that she loved. She also got so excited about me having a bathtub (of all things) that she wanted to try it instantly. :-) We also tried the local playgrounds and ate tacos on the balcony. It has started to get really painful since she has a hard time saying goodbye to me when we have to part. Crying followed by lots of hugs and kisses. W isn't commenting this at all to me (in her head me and D doesn't have a relationship at all, as she told me a week ago) but she isn't trying to intervene in our goodbyes either.

This evening I have been sittning on the balcony with a cigar and beer, planing a treasure hunt for her tomorrow. Will burrow a couple of golden chocolate coins around the nearest playground and draw a map for her to follow.


What do I want for the future? I do not really know. I would like to say that I wouldn't want her back without some serious soulsearching in IC on her behalf. But knowing myself, I would probably jump out of joy and take ger back directly if she suggested something like that.

I do know that I need to work on myself. Improve my health, parenting skills and building a kickass relation with D. Also meet new ppl and expand my network. Most of my friends and family are located in other parts of the country so I need more local friends.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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It's crazy some of the stuff the WW will spew. I was told I was "abusive" and was never a father to W's daughter that I have parented for 6 years.

Now that's she's moved to another state, she misses me so much and sends me pictures of her daughter whom I also speak to regularly.

Pay no attention to any of her spew. Her resolve to leave might not be as strong as it was and she needs to find reasons to keep herself angry at you. It's easier for her to be angry at you than to look in the mirror and admit she has issues as well.

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I guess so. Thanks Thornton.

So today we left the house for good. W said she felt it was good to finally move on. I agreed, but later I told her I also thought it was sad and heartbreaking. Not acting "as if" I guess. But she still has a lot of power over me when she is physically close by. But we both manage to skip R talk. My W acts as if she wants to forget I exist and move on. And I want to avoid pursuit and acting emotional and needy.
When we were waiting for the money transfer at the RE agent, she even started to talk to me about her work when we had wanted for an hour. And she was upbeat, smiling! I just wanted to hug her and tell her how much I love her. sometimes it is a good thing that you usually avoid being emotional... I just kept the converation going and enjoyed talking to her, smiled back a little bit.

It is a little bit funny how she is watching songs in her car when I am near (as an example at pick up of D). When something comes up on her "break up playlist" that she do not want me to hear, she throw herself on the stereo. Like a sorg in local language translated to "I am going to find a better you".
I do not know if she is being considerate or if she feels some guilt or whatever. Well, that is not for me to mind read, right? :-) But I have started to look for it and smiles a little bit extra when it happens (like 5 times total so far since seperation).

I also laid new oak flor in my living room today with the help of a friend who is a carpenter. Never did that before so it was interresting.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Need some advice from a third party regarding my sitch. I really do not have anyone to discuss with.

In my country, dividing assets are done through each person taking their assets minus their debts. Then the value from each person is put together and then divided in 2. Personal stuff like clothes, jewlery and so on is exkluded. Also gifts and inheritance is excluded if it was expressed in written that is was to be excluded in case of future divorce (as an example). Debts are still personal and cannot pass on to someone else, but the value is accounted for.

This is to make sure that each person in a marriage leaves it with the same amount of net assets (more or less). There are of course exeptions from this main principle (as always).

W is currently pressing to get my to close the financial part asap without L since "we are reasonable ppl who can discuss and agree upon things", she told me today (since when?). But she did not want to sign anything, just transfer some money and register her as new car owner of my car (this was agreed upon before). I have told her that I want to do everything "by the book" to close it properly. Everything is easy to value and divide since there are not so much stuff. House, car, savings. Other stuff has been divided already. But.... I have student debts. That my L adviced was to be naturally included. I have been thinking about is alot since I found out about this, if it were morally correct of me to insist including them.

On one hand, it is my personal debt that I changed for personal knowledge. On the other hand, the money was spent on the two of us (living and food) and got me a job were I made substantially more money than her and supported us. Further complicating is that her father gave her money to partially pay for our home which she did.

W got really upset and anger today when I told her that I have debt, after she called my to press me today to finalize and speak up now it is was anything else than the car that were left to divide.

She also told me that she found it really offensive that I correct her about things, but my intentions today were to make sure that we are speaking about the same and correct thing since it is important. The problem is that I have corrected her in the past (I hate that I did it, mostly on autopilot) and I guess that it triggers alot of negative feelings in her.

As usual I started to break down during our conversation, bringing forth my anxious behaviour and Mr NG.


So what to do? Just give her the money and STFU to get us both to get on with our lives?

I am also thinking that if I do so, my normal thought since I want to support W and be Mr NG, I am giving her money to pay for her L to keep our D living with her permanently (I am starting to understand that we cannot agree on our D, which is also what my therapist is telling me).

I am sorry if this is hard to follow, writing on my phone with lousy grammar control.

Please give me a 2x4!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Also, the 180s I need to do for myself (and W of course) which partly comes into play here is:

- Be more assertive and sure of myself. When I got ill, I started to become really anxious and could not control it. I have always been partly anxious, but always kept it well under control and acted "as if" which really paid out for me until I crashed.
- Stop being a "know-it-all" and correct other ppl. I have a tendency to do it without really thinking about it, which I hate doing.
- Be more generous and less cheap/frugal. Have always been a bit frugal but when I crashed and became highly anxious, this part of me started to take over.
- Be more casual and social. I am an introvert but "learned to act as an extrovert" early. Only the ppl really close to me would describe me as an introvert. Aquintances would say I am quite extrovert. But the introvert personality traits took over more when I crashed.
- Excercise body and mind daily.
- Make sure that family always comes first. When I got ill, I had a hard time focus on anything outside of myself. Right now this is D, but would love for W to want to be included as well (as if that would happen...).


I am trying to be critical of myself in order to really see negative personality traits for what they really are. But also trying to be forgiving, which is hard...


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
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W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Well go with being more assertive and stop being the nice guy. Let your W pay for this herself, if that's what she wants. Your only purpose is not to block BD. There's nothing that says that you have to fund it.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
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It's been status quo for a couple of days now. Spent time with D, running, going to the gym and bought a new car (W has my car at the moment and will keep it when divide of assets is complete). Been feeling well. Not much contact with W. She called me yesterday evening when I was at the gym. I told her I would call back afterwards. It was just regarding a minor change in our schedule for D4 so everything was fine.

However, I started this evening to read old texts between us from the months before BD, at BD and after. I am just stunned regarding how those texts started to change about 1,5 weeks before BD from W. Less emotions and more "business" as well as shorter and fewer. We went from planning our 10 year aniversary (since we got together) and our marriage aniversary (5years) to just complete shut down. I realize that I am not that sad after reading and analyzing. But that might come later this evening.

Mind reading is not good, but I am thinking that something must have happened suddenly that made W think that our R is unsolvable. But since the change was so rapidly and visably (afterwards), I just can't stop thinking that this can't be impossible. That feelings must still remain, beneath all that resentment.

I am being told in IC to give up hope and just go on with my life. However, that is not what I want. But still I must plan for a life alone and act as if. I have a hard time understanding how to drop the rope while still loving W and D.

It is still a rollercaster for me but it is gradually slowing down.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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I remember feeling just like you do. How do you drop the rope when you still love someone?

I'll tell you what helped me. I framed it in my mind that I was showing W that I loved her by respecting her decision to leave me. To me, allowing W to move on and not fighting her on it or pressuring or trying to talk her out of it, was the most selfless, loving act I could do.

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