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#2756068 08/11/17 04:08 AM
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Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

Nothing new to report. Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning. The baby was up all night last night as you all saw me posting at 3am. I think he had a belly ache and he's teething. Poor guy. My dad even heard him and came in to ask if he was okay. Not a word from H. Not that it shocks me.

Ginger - thank you for validating me. I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other. I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion. Yes I am FAR from perfect but I know it wasn't bad. We didn't have a bad marriage. Things were good until I had a rough pregnancy and school. My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it

Treasur - lipstick on a pig made me lol this morning smile

Train- did you see my last post to you on my previous thread?

Last edited by Cadet; 08/11/17 04:26 AM. Reason: fix link

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2756074 08/11/17 04:24 AM
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Originally Posted By: T384
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2756062&#Post2756062][/url]

Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

You are not doing it right.
Just put the link in with out the hyper part or
use the second button from the left in reply mode.


Me-67, D35,S34
T384 #2756106 08/11/17 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted By: T384
Last thread

Sorry Cadet I still have no clue why the hyperlink doesn't work.

Nothing new to report. Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning.

wow, that's a really bad teacher if you want to change schools for it! Yikes! Can you try getting the better one, first? Just asking.


-

Ginger - thank you for validating me. I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other.

believing your h feels as he says he feels and acts, is not "validating" him, imo. That would be like saying "Your h loves himself more than he loves anyone else" is the same as saying

"and that's fine/healthy/normal for a dad/h", which it is not.


I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion. Yes I am FAR from perfect but I know it wasn't bad. We didn't have a bad marriage. Things were good until I had a rough pregnancy and school.


You are defending yourself here^^^^. You can stop that now. No one here believes you failed.


My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it

cry cry Please ask your dad, who is probably my age, to STOP Saying this.

How is the second guessing helpful?? It creates more self doubt in you and makes it seem as if being in denial & meekly accepting $h1tty behavior, would've been better in some way. I so disagree.

you were placed in an impossible position, a confusing maze of behaviors in your face, while pregnant.

NO healthy woman, let alone a woman with income potential & self respect could've long ignored it.

Your dad means well, but all this speculation isn't helming you. Are you asking him his opinion?

And finally, I don't believe your H is going to be shocked by your filing for D, no matter what he says to you.

He is laying the PR groundwork for filing or at least leaving, himself. Hence the mutual friends talking to you. He is working on his image management, which you do Not need to do.

Any man leaving his w & 3 kids at your kid's ages, can't look like a great guy in any scenario. At this point in his life, H worries far more about how his choices are viewed by others, than by whether they are moral choices.

You have nothing to manage in the PR department. I mean it. The situation speaks for itself.

Please just get thru the week & find some moments...

Happy Birthday to your 7 year old!!



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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T, the only voice that matters is the one inside you. Listen to her. Really listen.

OwnIt #2756235 08/12/17 10:14 AM
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we all believe in you, T.

Shut down the fears, don't even "go there" with that scary little ghoul in the back of your mind.

Your h's choices about OWs or leaving you with 3 kids FEELS like a reflection on you.

Of course it does. But step back and see what we are telling you

You are allowed to have flaws. You are "entitled" to be human.

But your h is choosing to leave, (or daring you to file for D).

We are saying that^^6 is about HIM, not you.

Please trust that is true. Never mind your parent's answers to the endless questions of "Why/How?" Or how "if only YOU had ...." as if any of us could possibly control our spouses choices...(none of us would be here if that were true).

When you keep seeking answers to questions that are not answerable, you will get some false answers. Your parents are trying to explain the unexplainable.

When we project our own moral compasses or values onto our spouses, we are mystified.

We can only assume guilt/remorse/confusion b/c that is what it would take for US to make the choices THEY are making...

but you are not your h. Try to grasp that you may never grasp this.

And that you will be alright anyhow.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
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How are you doing, T?


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

T384 #2756292 08/13/17 09:03 AM
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Quote:
Today is S7 birthday! We started off the morning with meet the teacher. I'm a little upset he got the teacher we didn't want so I'm looking into a private school Monday morning.


I'm no authority, so take this FWIW. Balancing out each class according to race, gender, IEP's, Standard Test Scores, etc........can be challenging. Sometimes the one in charge of class scheduling can swap students without too much of a problem. It might pay you to speak with the school principal, counselor, or district school superintendent and let them know that if they cannot switch classes for your child, then you will go the private school route. State monies are issued to public school districts based, in part, on the student population, so every pupil is worth so many thousands of dollars to the district. (You probably already knew this....but in case it helps someone else). Your district may not be hurting for more students, but again......they may. Also, if there is a nearby public school district that you could use, check out the School Choice Act. Just a thought. Btw, private schools cannot always give you the teacher of your preference, either. Either way, I wish you the best of luck, b/c you don't need this additional source of stress.

Quote:
I think my problem is I feel H is validated by a lot of people. Even my own mom says things like well he is just done he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be married. It happens all the time. People just decide they aren't right for each other. I get so annoyed and frustrated hearing these things because it's BS in my opinion


I don't see this as validation, but I get what you are saying. It's as if they are letting him off the hook gently.......almost making excuses for him......bless his little ole pea picking heart. Hey, if your family won't smack talk your H, you can always look me up. I'm usually pretty good in that department. smirk.

Quote:
My dad says if I wouldn't have given him [censored] about the flowers and his behavior H would have just slid under the radar. But now that I know what he's capable of because of last BD I called him on his crap and he wasn't used to that person because pre BD 1 I would have just let his behavior go and not think much of it


I agree. My question to you, since you say the M was good............do you regret calling him on his cr@p? If so, are you blaming yourself for making that decision? B/c it's almost like he has a split personality. One personality is out for xx amount of time.......then wham......the other one comes out. To me, that appears to be an unstable situation.

I realize above anyone else that I have not been in the LBW's shoes, so I hope you won't resent me if I tell you some of the things I do. Sometimes, when I read behind the writings of LBW's I wonder if I just have a block of ice for a heart. Is it normal to blame yourself for your H losing his moral compass? Is it normal for the LBW to want him back, knowing he is capable of putting her through this again? Is it normal to focus on how wonderful the M was.......before he decided to betray his pregnant W........and want that guy back again? I suppose it might be, IDK. As I've previously told you, our D left her cheating H the last few months into her high risk pregnancy. He had to D her, so he could marry the OW he got pregnant. And, I tried my best to comfort her the day he M the OW, b/c her heart was breaking. It was frustrating for me, watching her cry over the man who would do this to her and their unborn child. Years later, that child still suffers from never having a relationship with his father and feeling accepted and loved like his half siblings. And guess what? It is not the child's fault. The wife nor the child determined that man's morals. He continued with the same behavior through out his other M's. He drove thousands of miles to attend my D's funeral, (with his new woman who was half his age) and I think he loved my D.......but he did not love her more than appeasing his lust for other women. So yes, my D made the right decision to dump his cheating a$$ and give him the freedom to deposit his sperm wherever he wished. B/c whether she set him free or not.......he was going to continue his bad behavior. The sad part is he is a wonderful person in every other way. He's just a sorry H (and has been a sorry father to my grandchild). So.......in my book, that tarnishes him as a man. Case closed.

Then you have some men who are simply too weak. They need to be nourished via breast feeding. They leave Mother's breast and go straight to another woman's breast. They are never without the female breast for any lengthy period of time, less they perish. They often have a spare female waiting in the wings, just in case. When they marry, they expect regular and equal nursing time before anything or anyone else gets attention. If they are taken off the W's breast....for whatever reason....they quickly (almost panicking) look for another woman who will breast feed him. sick


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2756296 08/13/17 10:00 AM
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Sandi I Love the breast feeding analogy. The imagery is powerful, and yeah, funny too.


There's another one of a monkey who won't let go of one vine until he grabs another. God forbid he's ever "left hanging" without clutching a vine in his paw. But it's fine to leave a spouse hanging, whether pregnant, with a newborn, whatever. It's about them b/c they matter the most, and sometimes at the expense of others (but...oh well).

When you said your son in law probably "Loved" your d, but just not as much as he valued his freedom/OW's/more money/ and or the shiny new object.

As painful as it is to end a marriage, T - you have to

know in your head AND (in time) heart,

that staying in said marriage would NOT lead you to more happiness or more love. I promise you that is true. There's such a thing as cutting your losses, and walking away from the table.

There really are good men out there. I realize you don't "need" to have a man,

but rest assured you won't have a good man in your life while you are clutching to a guy like your present h. I'm sorry, T. I just know you are going to be more than alright, on the other side of this.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
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That breast feeding analogy is so spot on smile

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(((Sandi,))) -I could not find your thread so I had to post here.

Somehow I missed that your dear daughter passed away. OMG, what??
I'm so terribly sad for you and your h. It is the worst kind of loss. It's "out of order" in nature.

Thank God your grandchildren have you and your h as grandparents. In a way, your grandson is effectively an orphan, so I send him my prayers and hope.

RE Your former sonInLaw - bad news that he is, has lost a treasure in your daughter and a lifetime of honor as a husband and father. And he is married to an OW, a woman another person living a life without honor as a mother or woman. I'd hate to be her friend or sister (or kid). Ugh...I would be banned if I wrote out what I think of them.

Anyway, again, I'm Very sorry.

AND Sorry for the hijack, T3.

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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