KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[KGirl]

I don't know. I don't get it at all. Maybe it's because I'm fixating too much on the things I see as promising and not the negative things. Like why offer to bring me "whatever you need" earlier in the week when I was sick? And why tell me about his plans to buy carpet and other mundane things if he isn't that interested? And why not just say "I just don't feel the same way about you" which is how he broke up with his last girlfriend? He's obviously capable of saying what he thinks. But yes, maybe it comes down to point in life and regardless of level of interest in me in particular, he does not have the capability/energy/interest in sustaining a relationship right now. Which is hard because...cutesy quotes on the internet say "if it's the right person you'll make time for them."

I have a list I made of things that I would need in a person inbetween R's. Looking back some of them are really more wish-list than need ("likes to read" - meh) but others are much more important. This guy had all of them besides "follow through on what he says and does." I guess I chalked it up to him being preoccupied with other things and that maybe as we grew closer/I became more important, he would be more dependable (like he is with his work which he clearly values) but yes, maybe he will always be like that and I need to either accept or decide I cannot deal with it. As you said, I was betting on potential and not what was in front of me.

[Georgiabelle]

K,

I don't know if everyone feels this way (and excuse all of my typos. I have been in the car for seven hours and monsoon rains. I left my a state ago:-) but I think people can care or do nice things for you but it still doesn't mean that they want to be in a relationship with you. I understand that that can be confusing and I don't want to sound harsh. If someone doesn't want to make you a priority doesn't mean that they are a deplorable person. It just means they aren't relationship material for you. And that's who we are focusing on because you are a fantastic lady!

Ginger and 25 make some interesting points. And sometimes when you write you remind me of a friend. She is a lovely lady. She's about to be 40 and she wants to get married and have a child. She dated a man off and on for eight years. Mostly off. I do think he cared for her but it was very clear to me that he did not feel the same way about her as she did him.

After the last breakup where she said she wanted to get married and have a child, she convinced herself that he could not give up all that they had. And after a year of not hearing from him, she reached out to him and I genuinely felt bad for both of them when he responded. He told her that he did not want to waste anymore of her time and that he did not want those things. And that he wished her well. I want to be clear that my friend is not crazy. But because she wanted it so much, she convinced herself that he was a fool to let it get away. And I tried to tell her that it didn't mean the same to him because he didn't value it the way she did. And I genuinely do you think he cared about her and wanted her to find what she was looking for but he was not going to do that. She spent another 2 years wondering what she would do when he came back. This is a lovely, smart, caring woman who simply struggled with the one she thought was the one, did not feel the same. And please know I'm not saying you are delusional. I'm acknowledging that some things are easier said than done. I also believe that sometimes people say things in the moment and feelings can change-especially when something is new. Again, his behavior is not a reflection of you but rather him.

I know dating is difficult. However, there are so many wonderful people out there. You just have to find your fit. Gosh I sound preachy! Hang in there.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh, and I had a mega crush on this guy. My friends didn't think he was much to look at but I thought he was hawt! He looked like he could change a carburetor:-)

Anyway, whenever my best friend would see him he would always ask her about me. He would say my name over and over and over again when I was around him. He did this so much that other people asked me how I knew him. Other people would tell me that he was checking me out Without me ever saying a word about having a thing for him. So, I took that as he must be at least interested in playing tonsil hockey with me. I was wrong. But all those signs looked like a yes and yet I was still wrong. Sigh. And by very fragile ego felt like it had been shattered into 1 billion pieces.

I gorilla glued it back together. Hang in there!

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know. I don't get it at all. Maybe it's because I'm fixating too much on the things I see as promising and not the negative things.

YES THIS^^^^^^^^^


Like why offer to bring me "whatever you need" earlier in the week when I was sick?

did you take him up on his offer??


And why tell me about his plans to buy carpet and other mundane things if he isn't that interested?


Wow I don't see this^^ topic as the same thing at all.

I just see this as him making mundane conversation. He may have been bored and just talked about his latest task of the day....It's Not showing interest,it's the opposite imo.

To me, being "that interested" is asking you about YOUR day and getting to know your opinions on current events or art or kids, etc OR being interesting and not mundane. IF he asked your opinion and brought you,,to me that shows a basic comfort level but not real EFFORT...did he plan out dates well?


And why not just say "I just don't feel the same way about you" which is how he broke up with his last girlfriend?

he said almost the same thing to you, didn't he? I would think he'd vary the exact wording since he knows you know it


He's obviously capable of saying what he thinks.

And he did say what he thinks...honey, he said he doesn't want to see you now. He said "MAYBE" later on he will call you if if if blah blah blah.

IF IF IF he calls, he calls. There is nothing dignified for you to do but move on. Honestly, there are not many options here.

But yes, maybe it comes down to point in life and regardless of level of interest in me in particular, he does not have the capability/energy/interest in sustaining a relationship right now. Which is hard because...cutesy quotes on the internet say "if it's the right person you'll make time for them."

we cannot get our wisdom from cutesy quotes. If you want to,

use the "if you love something, set it free...---if it's meant to be, he'll return and if not, you never really had it at all."

I don't know that I buy this one^^ but I see it in a lot of women's bathrooms


I have a list I made of things that I would need in a person inbetween R's. Looking back some of them are really more wish-list than need ("likes to read" - meh) but others are much more important. This guy had all of them besides "follow through on what he says and does."

that is called being unreliable, and worse...it's not a small character defect, but that is what it is.


I guess I chalked it up to him being preoccupied with other things and that maybe as we grew closer/I became more important, he would be more dependable (like he is with his work which he clearly values) but yes, maybe he will always be like that and I need to either accept or decide I cannot deal with it. As you said, I was betting on potential and not what was in front of me.

Yes. I was on "hopium" that my h would return to who h had been many years earlier and that I thought he'd be again. He lied convincingly often. I bet a lot of years on potential and he had been such an involved father when the kids were little.

And sure, he'd feed me kibbles (a week of attention on a trip, a gift, etc) enough to hold me from leaving,

until it was too much in my face, and too little in my bank account - he took ALL the joint account money...and still has not given me my half.

Furious at ME for wanting spousal support and blah blah blah

KGirl, if you were my d, I'd take you to dinner and urge you to RUN FAST from this guy b/c he's not good news for your heart.

Period. I'm sorry

[KGirl]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I probably need everyone to tell me the same thing over and over before I get it through my thick skull. Yes, I do think I want a relationship pretty badly (I would say that/getting married again and having it stick is one of my top priorities in life right now - my job is relatively low-key so it makes it easy to not prioritize that!) Whether that's OK or not, I don't know. It does make it hard to let go once I've actually got someone that shows even a remote bit of interest. I also struggle with people saying things they may mean in the moment but don't really follow through on. I'm very careful about what I say/promise, so when someone says "I should get you X for Christmas" or mentions bringing me to a Packers game in September, I believe they actually mean that and that there is long-term potential. I do not say things like that since I don't know what will happen (maybe I'd bring up Christmas like three weeks before Christmas! ha). But once I say something, I mean it, and I'll follow through no matter what. Doesn't seem to be a quality I can easily find in others (except for some of my friends).

Re: taking him up on his offer, I asked him to call me on his way home from work just so we could talk on the phone, catch up, etc. I didn't need any actual items - are you asking because maybe I made him feel rejected or something by not? Who knows if he would have, later in the week when we had talked about getting together he said "umm I'm sorry but I really don't want to get sick so let's not, but we can get together on the weekend if you're feeling better" and that's the weekend when sh*t hit the fan and I got the "I just don't know about this weekend, I've got all this stuff, let's just pick it back up in a couple of weeks if you're still interested." Ha, the carpet... one of my friends said "why on earth would he tell about something like that if he didn't see you as part of his life/someone he wants to communicate with??" but as you said, may be just basic comfort level but not real effort. No, he did not plan dates well/at all really, it was nearly always me initiating or coming up with something. He actually cancelled on our second date because he had to work late, and I ended up being the one two days later to ask about rescheduling instead of him asking right away.... perhaps I should have taken that as a sign then. I can think of a few times where he did suggest someplace to go but a lot of those were things he was doing with friends anyway and I was just invited along, not just the two of us. I was the one who would say "let's go to this restaurant" or "let's go try this thing or visit this place."

Was thinking about scheduling an IC appointment today but I don't know. It's expensive because I have high deductible health insurance ($150+ a visit) and it's hard to justify the cost. Also I feel like I know how the conversation will go anyways because if I was counseling someone (I have a master's degree in social work and my job is a form of counseling, just for college students) I know what I would be telling them:
K: explains story, cries, etc.
counselor: So whether he is interested but doesn't have time right now, or whether he's not that interested, the outcome is the same, right? And knowing what the reason is doesn't change what you would do, because there is nothing you can do/you have no control over this regardless. All you can do is move on and go about your life.

I guess what would really be worth digging into (but probably take so long I'd blow thousands of dollars to get there) is the whole "why do I ignore my boundaries and deal breakers and get attracted to/try to pursue people that don't meet my needs and make me so stressed? What is so attractive about the unavailability/avoidant people?"

[KGirl]

On a positive note, just got back from a three day vacation with some girlfriends at a house one of them just bought on a lake. Fun few days of floating on the river, hitting up a waterpark in Wisconsin Dells, and an awful lot of pizza at Pizza Ranch. It was good to get out and do stuff but hard at times to be present and in the moment. And I got a mailer today from a nearby casino saying they missed me and offering me a free night at their resort hotel so I think that sounds like an excellent one night getaway idea in the near future

[Ginger1]

well, I can pass on some advice from my therapist to you for free.

At this point in my life it is not about finding ANY partner. It's about finding the RIGHT partner. I guess what I have on my side is my biological clock is not ticking. But I don't want to try to make someone who isn't the right fit, the right fit. Because you can't make that happen. I would rather have no one than the wrong lifelong partner. Unfortunatley I've got to kiss few frogs first. I went on a few dates with this guy I met online back in November. He was OK. Good looking, single dad. But he was kind of perverted and had a different idea of dating than I did. He was a plan maker which was good, but didn't know the first thing about romance. He kept trying, I kept trying, but it wasn't what I wanted. I told him as much. I could have "had: him. I didn't want him. I was not that into him! He was not a good fit for me.

I was telling my IC last night how frustrating and lonely things could be for me. She told me I simply haven't found the right one yet. ANd I haven't. Every guy I have dated so far hasn't been the right one for one reason or another. But I'll know when he is right. I used to try to make people the "right one" for the sake of not being alone. It really blew up in my face.

So instead of focusing on getting married again, why don't you focus on the in between. Building your own life like you did with your weekend getaway. Date and look for what you want in a man, not just the end result, being marriage.

Maybe he made plans in the future because he thought maybe it would work and you were the right fit for him. But maybe he decided you weren't, Not because there is something wring with you, but simply because you don't have the same priorities and values in an R. People also say things and they are just words. Yeah, I've thought out loud about things that would be fun with a guy I dated in the future, but I never knew how far we would make it. This summer my exFF and I were going to bring my D9 to his parents condo in Hilton Head and ride bikes. That's why he taught her how to finally ride a bike. I believe he wanted to that if we stayed together. But sometimes the future takes a different turn.

I used to think if I was that great, a man would change everything he wanted for me. It doesn't work that way. He could have been interested, but his priorties aren't where you need them to be. And that's ok. Don't change what you want to fit into what works for him.

The right fit will come along. I promise

[DonH]

Wisconsin Dells? Do you live in (or near) wisconsin?

[KGirl]

Yep, about an hour away! Staying overnight at ho-chunk and lazing around in the pool is sounding more and more appealing, even if it's by myself

[trumpet]

Quite a few of us in WI...

I'll be up in the Dells in October for a concert. Fond memories of my youth...