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mxdup,

Yep, that sounds like a temp check. You did good!

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The more I read about codependency, the more I seem to make sense of hints that she's been telling me for years. I'm glad that she works late tonight because I have this overwhelming urge to apologize.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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How should I handle the Mrs wanting to hang out as friends? She asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her tonight. I'm not delusional enough to think this is some kind of date night. Given that she told the counselor that I'm her best friend, I'm assuming she wants a buddy to see the movie with. Part of me thinks that I should tell her thanks but no thanks and GAL but part of me thinks she should spend some time having fun with me. Keep in mind we still live together and she's only mentioned leaving, not actually taken any steps.

Just for background she also told the counselor that I'm no fun. She basically only told him 3 reasons why she wants to leave. 1) We live like roommates with a boring routine 2) He's no fun and never wants to do anything 3) There's no passion so I feel like there's nothing left to work on.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
How should I handle the Mrs wanting to hang out as friends? She asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her tonight.


mxdup,

I don't know what to tell you about going with her to the movie. What concerns me is that you feel like she's been pushing you away for the past year and that she's been working more hours during that time. Those are both indicators that there's a third party in the mix (even though she claims otherwise). Her reasons for wanting a divorce seem rather hollow. It's the kind of stuff both of you could work on and resolve. My feeling is that she's trying to keep you in the friend zone because she's not yet fully committed to whomever it is that she met at work.

As usual, my disclaimer is that I'm often wrong; be sure to get input from others.

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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: mxdup
How should I handle the Mrs wanting to hang out as friends? She asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her tonight.


mxdup,

I don't know what to tell you about going with her to the movie. What concerns me is that you feel like she's been pushing you away for the past year and that she's been working more hours during that time. Those are both indicators that there's a third party in the mix (even though she claims otherwise). Her reasons for wanting a divorce seem rather hollow. It's the kind of stuff both of you could work on and resolve. My feeling is that she's trying to keep you in the friend zone because she's not yet fully committed to whomever it is that she met at work.

As usual, my disclaimer is that I'm often wrong; be sure to get input from others.



She actually has since quit her main job where she was working so many hours. She now only works her part time job which is only a few days a week.

I agree her reasons seem very hollow. When the bomb drop occurred she never actually said the D word. She said that we had grown apart and that she missed her apartment that she had when we were dating. She has mentioned numerous times that she feels like she has to do everything. With that said, I do 90% of all household work because she was working so much. She also says on a regular basis that I'm lazy and that I never do anything. I've asked her for examples but she can't provide any. When I remind her of the household chores she just gets angry and brings up something from months ago. "Remember last November when I told you that I needed a shelf hung up? That took you weeks." Then she usually goes on a tantrum saying things like you can't help me, nobody can and I need to clone myself. It's very obvious that she's stressed out and overwhelmed but suddenly one day I became the problem. Now that she's quit her main job she should be experiencing a huge stress relief so we'll see how that plays out.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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Posts: 3,952
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
"Remember last November when I told you that I needed a shelf hung up? That took you weeks."


mxdup,

Now I understand. You'e one of those guys who took several weeks to hang a shelf. Listen buster, that's a deal breaker. No wonder she's so upset. What were you thinking?

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It sounds like she is mean to you and doesn't respect you. It appears to me you need to pull back on the Beta activity and up the Alpha activity. Set some boundaries for yourself and stop doing all the chores. Make time for yourself, go out with some guy friends, plan activities without her involved.

I'm not an expert but just my 10 cents.

Your original question was about the movies. Your call but most vets around here would probably tell you to decline because you have wonderful activities planned for yourself!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
During our sessions she tells the counselor that I'm her best friend but she wants to leave me because there's no passion, I'm not fun and our life is too routine.


Sounds like she's an adrenaline junkie. Maybe like Acc suggested, you can lean a little more in that direction? You want to attract her back, it sounds like that would be a good place to start. And who knows, you might find you enjoy it!

Quote:
He proceeds to tell me to stop trying to please my wife because it's not working and is actually pushing her away. He wants me to only do things that I want to do. Stop doing things to please her and stop fishing for compliments. He said he is going to teach me how to detach from her.


That's actually some very sound advice and very much in line with DB'ing.

Quote:
After reading a few codependency books, they all seem to say that the codependent is in love with a narcissist and that they must get away.


Ha! You've got to love it when things are stated so black-and-white. We're all codependent in marriage to some extent, that doesn't mean our spouses are all narcissists and that we need to get away from them.

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Is my counselor trying to tell me to get away from her?


You want a C that is aligned with your goals. If he suggests you need to D her, then drop him and find another C.

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How should I handle the Mrs wanting to hang out as friends? She asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her tonight.


If you want to go and can go with no expectations, then go have fun!

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With that said, I do 90% of all household work because she was working so much.


But she works part time now? STOP DOING ALL THE HOUSEHOLD WORK. That's beta behavior and not attractive. She's telling you she wants you to be more adventurous and less boring, for god's sake stop washing dishes and doing laundry! You're not going to die if you let the clothes pile up a little. Let it go, and if she complains then remind her that she's the one with the part time job and that you're not her servant. Then tell her you're meeting some friends and go have a beer somewhere.

Quote:
Then she usually goes on a tantrum saying things like you can't help me, nobody can and I need to clone myself.


If you're doing all the chores, then what it is she's talking about needing help with? Seems like there's some piece of the story missing here. Just curious.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: mxdup
How should I handle the Mrs wanting to hang out as friends? She asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her tonight. I'm not delusional enough to think this is some kind of date night. Given that she told the counselor that I'm her best friend, I'm assuming she wants a buddy to see the movie with. Part of me thinks that I should tell her thanks but no thanks and GAL but part of me thinks she should spend some time having fun with me. Keep in mind we still live together and she's only mentioned leaving, not actually taken any steps.


What do you want? Are you okay with a "best friends" relationship with her? If you are, then act on that basis.

If you're not, then decide what you do want, and pursue that. This isn't about making her happy, it's about getting the relationship that you want.

Something that may be counter-intuitive is that your wife wants you to push back more. She wants you to argue and say "no" when you don't agree.

If she sees you stand up for yourself when she pushes you, then she knows you'll stand up for her if you need to. If she pushes you and you just do whatever you want to make her happy, then she doesn't feel secure that you've got her back.

Going to the movie is a nuanced question. If you're going to see "Sophie's Tears" or something that holds absolutely no interest for you, then the answer is "no". If it's something you both want to see, and you can hold yourself with confidence and give off the air that you're there because you want to be, not because you need to be, then yes, you should go.

If your wife has a tantrum, its your responsibility to call her on that -- tell her you won't be spoken to that way. You understand she's upset, but that is not on you.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Thanks guys. While it does sound like she's mean from what I shared, you are only hearing my side.

I have stopped doing all of the chores, now that she is working less she can do her share. I do realize the vets would probably say to decline and GAL. I feel as though deliberately going out when I have no plans to just because she is home is like hiding from her. Tonight just happens to be a night when we both plan on being around the house.

This GAL thing is really hard for me. I have been going out with the guys regularly (at least once a week) since this all started months ago and I'm already sick of that environment. With that said my counselor is telling me that I should only do what I want to do. I don't like to go out all the time. It's a waste of money and I feel like I'm doing something I'm not wanting to do or trying to be someone or something I'm not. It reminds me of my single days and I was miserable then. I'd much rather go to the gym or do something on my own. I went to the gym last night.


BD: 5/28/17 "We're like roommates, there is no passion anymore"
Early October she is moving out so she can "think about what she really wants in life"
10/22/17 She's gone
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