Have been reading for years and posted once yesterday on someone's thread;so, decided it was time to jump in. I will try to keep it short but I have A Lot of time under my belt.
My story is typical MLC and WAH, if that is possible. At 41, I moved overseas to be with my husband and marry, thus giving up my career in the city to live in the remote countryside. I am very isolated here and have made friends but I think without children and with a lack of amenities, that part has been my biggest struggle. I was very social and had many friends before. My husband co-owns a company and although he is the extrovert and very likeable has very few (1 or 2) friends who live hours away and after MLC not really close. That said, we did socialise and travelled extensively. Otherwise, life was good and he was my best friend and we laughed a lot and I thought really truly loved each other. I guess that is why I am still here. Getting my head around waking up one day and life having been blown up with a new alien husband who is crazy. That is the hardest part. If we had grown apart or fought all the time I would find all this more accepting.
His seemingly loving family imploded when his brother started having a really unbelievable unseemly affair. Then my husband became entranced with his employee (half his age) over bonding about his brother and full blown MLC started. He has never been able to sit down and discuss our marriage or what happened. When his brother's affair came to light pre BD, we talked and I asked if we were ok, etc., and he assured me of how much he loved me and he would never do what his brother did and he was sick about it. A few months later, everything had changed.
Over the course of four years I have come to understand a lot about MLC and husband tics so many boxes, especially childhood traumas (brother dropping dead, friends deaths, and most insidiously--a sexual abuse encounter-which seems to be at the core of his arrested development) plus the family was in crisis and no one seems to have any of the needed tools in their tool boxes for coping.
Now me, no I am far from perfect. Could have communicated more and pressed him about some of my dissatisfaction but instead tried to suck it up and concentrate on how lucky I was to be in a happy marriage and if living where I lived was the worse part of my life, I was lucky. I was married late and was very happy with my life prior to meeting husband. People would often comment on how happy we were together. We did bicker but rarely had big arguments. We couldn't have children so the stress of kids was not there and we were financially sound. We had other struggles and the normal ebb and flow of married life. When I discovered his affair and confronted him, I thought he would end it and we would repair our marriage and I told him to leave. (My biggest regret.) thought he would break off affair as she was already engaged but no. He left, and in a very immature lame way tried to commit suicide (horrible to say but like teenage antics, took aspirin and texted her). There was never any true danger. And the roller coaster was on.
Please don't judge me too harshly, I was trying to quickly give background. I am really here as I feel I need support and divorce proceedings have started. Am not sure if husband is playing me, has a mean crappy lawyer, or is just so checked out he doesn't care.
I have a mediation appointment tomorrow which is preliminary. My lawyer sent letter to his and have no idea if that info was passed on to husband or if he is just avoiding it. If he doesn't go it will get kicked to court and cost us a fortune. Not sure if I should acknowledge the appt and let him know after the fact as that would send message that I am now moving forward with everything. Have been waiting for his financial disclosure since March in a divorce that he filed without notice. I am worried as he agrees with me over the telephone and his lawyer does something different and then he says he wants new lawyer and he told his lawyer not to file Decree Nisi but he filed anyway... which is possible but the MLC liar is also very possible. So, wish me luck and I hope my posts become more coherent to readers. I do really lean on this site for guidance and it has gotten me through the worst of times. I am so grateful.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just a quick question. It is not clear whether you would you like your (old) husband to come "home" or do you just want to get on with life without him?
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I know it sounds crazy but I would like my husband back. I guess one reason I have held onto hope for so long is that every once in awhile I get a glimpse of the man he used to be not the 13-year old teenager. These occasions usually coincide with a serious conversation regarding his lifestyle. I know some of his darkest secrets and challenges and have always tried to be supportive. I wish he would seek help and on occasion he has said he will but after we speak the relief of opening up goes away and he shuts down and runs.
On the other hand, he filed for divorce, does not contact me, is with OW2 (which no one understands) and will say he wants to be amicable and go to mediation and agrees to my lawyer's terms and then I get blindsided. So, I am now trying to protect myself and prepare for a big move and new career and leaving my beloved pets. I think they are the only reason I have not moved back to the States. Going dim or dark doesn't seem to affect him. Don't think he notices. It is easier to run away.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
It isn't crazy, Citygrl. No way to know what will happen, but it isn't crazy to want him back. My sitch is pretty close to yours, I guess a bit closer to final D. We both have to live with what is, but it isn't crazy. I think we can both confidently say that if we were in a crazy people line up with our H's, our numbers wouldn't be the first to be called right?!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Thank you for responding Treasur. I feel like I am so behind in my story because it has been so long and I just started posting. Along the way there have been ups and downs and times of hope and despair. One thing I never admitted to friends or family is that I had given myself the five year MLC deadline. I know I could get hammered for admitting that even here but I had heard so many stories of the MLCer seeing the light after five years. The divorce papers came sooner so now I am moving forward. I also use his brother as a benchmark since he is about six months ahead of my husband although different MLC circumstances and he is still a mess.
I have read all the info and books and have taken onboard GAL and do in some sense count myself lucky that he is a walk away as where I fail in GAL he won't notice. Last year I pushed the boat out and took an exotic vacation. Sadly, it did remind me that so many people are coupled up or have families with whom to travel. I am really good being by myself but am also very social; so, don't think I will repeat solo trip.
I think I need to start a new page and come up with some new goals so I have a plan about moving back, getting a new job, place to live, etc. It is daunting as it is a balancing act of finances. Since I haven't worked in 13 years I will have to pay up front for an apartment and probably cannot get a mortgage without a job., worried about retirement savings..... those are the things that keep me up at night and leaving my darling loveable pets who hate change more than I do.
Feel like I am rambling. Am scared at what I will find with his financial disclosure. He has been spending and now it looks like mediation not an option as I cannot trust him.
I have always been fiercely independent and supported myself. I finally took the leap into marriage only to have it end so crazily. I do know I will survive and get through it and will be fine, even if I am poor as a church mouse.
While I am on my roll, will also say that I feel so much shame in my failed marriage. I don't know why. That is why it is mega more bad that I was fired fro my marriage and never had an opportunity to make it work. I had no reason to believe my marriage was in jeopardy. My friends and family all support me and when I ask if there were things about my husband other could see that I couldn't, they all say no. They thought he was great, I was great we had a great marriage.
So many questions and no answers provided by husband.
Me-54 H-49 T-1. M-7 BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out OW - 3/13 OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3 OW3 - 8/17 H filed 1/17
