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need an update Cali, miss you buddy . Hope all is well


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Originally Posted by Irish M
need an update Cali, miss you buddy . Hope all is well


Whats up Irish .... all good here hope you are well my man. It took me a solid day to figure out how even find my thread!!!

Not sure why I popped in here other than just to see if I could see any names I recognize, feels like walking through the high school hallways in your 30's or something along those lines. I have been reflecting a bit, on life, my journey and looking at that fella in the mirror who has a couple greys but for the most part is one good looking fella.

So those of you who know ... know .. but if you are new i will try to just sum up shortly, BD was what SEP13, on my birthday (Ya have to love those MLC'rs and the timing). I was not the poster-boy DB'r ... stubborn and stupid 100% but some of the vets here forced me to answer the hard questions and do the homework. my MLCr had a short spot of what seemed like clarity from MAR15 to about SEP15 but shot herself back into the tunnel I dropped rope and walked FEB16 after the epic 'Glamour shot' of 2016. Divorce was final JAN18 and its been pretty quiet for the most part, however I am not sure about all the MLCrs out there but mine is absolutely seasonal, Cold in Sep-Jan and warm Mar-Apr ... so she is currently in the "find a reason to talk to Cali" Camp at the moment, I am cordial and dare I say nice, but also keep her at arms length as I know the predictable pattern. The conversations have been mostly S12 oriented (The Tween years have been a challenge with my little-big dude) and the XW is pushing for "family-dinners" (I cringe at that family word still) .... I have not said no but replied with a 'We will see" approach as I do love to eat my meals awkward and drama free if at all possible.

As far as me, I have been in and out of a relationship with someone (Currently monk mode and really at peace to be honest) .... I think its finally done but every time I say it out loud I think she hears me and we end up back together again, sometimes its her, sometimes its admittedly me. Dating at this point feels like going to the junkyard looking for a car, they are all wrecks and its about finding one that wont get you killed!! laugh Problem is my free time, I just have very little, I took up that GAL thing so bad it almost hurts. That motorcycle I bought, kayaking, softball, fishing, and now me and S12 are playing Rambo and going Paint-balling twice a month (I highly recommend this .... I have 354 confirmed kills). I have been just focused on doing my stuff and continuing to read/grow/learn if someone comes along and sparks my interest great ... if not that's cool too I am just very indifferent about relationships at the moment in a wild go with the flow vibe.

So as far as MLC..., 5 1/2 years post BD, I do notice XW does seem more normal than batsh!t cray, for this I am thankful just for my sons sanity (and I will welcome not wearing the spew jacket), as bad as we have it those kids do not have the luxury of going dark. I think for anyone who is fairly new to this situation I feel compelled to tell you, just relax and give yourself a break. Looking back I now accept there was NOTHING I could have done, no words I could have said, no tranq-dart I could have shot into her neck that would not have set MLC into motion nor saved my marriage. I was not the best husband and at the time was not really going down the road for father of the year. I think for myself and what I have seen in others (Irish comes to mind) is you are forced to be both parents as the MLCr goes through the crisis, its not all bad and I am so happy for that aspect. She does seem to be doing more things with him even if its more what she wants. OM is still in the picture as far as I know, however he moved some time ago up to San Fran, seems she goes up there once every 6 moths from what I can tell.

So that is about all on my end, hope you all are well .... I may bounce around a bit here and sell some STFU smoothies and see if anyone is in the market for a well used spew jacket.











Last edited by job; 03/30/19 12:40 PM. Reason: edited a word

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Cali!!!!
HUGS! So great to "see" you! Thanks for the update. You're 18 months ahead of me and have always been a beacon of light in the morass of darkness.

Gotta say though you're really giving me food for thought with the junk yard analogy re: potential future partners. Yikes!

Glad you've found your peace. I don't need any smoothies at the moment, but that and the spew jacket might be necessary in my sitch in a few as I'm going to have to contact re finances and I dread it. Actually, I think I'm in the market for something a little more substantial than a jacket - a full blown force field comes to mind!

Anyway, glad you're doing well and hang on for the tween into teen years. It's going to challenge your creativity, in a good way!

xoxoxoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Cali,

Love seeing your updates, and I think you understand when I say I'm glad they are only once in a while - because you're out there GALing. You've always been a step ahead of me and a few others here. Nice to hear that you're connecting with a possible significant other, even if it's on-again-off-again.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
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W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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Hey Cali

Good hearing from you. not easy relationships after MLC. I am in one now but sometimes its hard. Flash backs of another time hit me ever so often of a life I cant even imagine that was mine. A life I know i will never go back to. I am so much better off.

I think its more the fact the girls don't see their mom at all. Soon to be 4 years that bothers me most.

Happy to hear the spew jacket is no longer needed. I'm also happy to hear you are still growing a strong relationship with your son. Nothing can replace that.

You are in a good place. one can only smile.

Irish


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Great to see an update.

Laughed out loud at your dating/junkyard analogy. Too funny.

Good to see you doing so well!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Hello all .... been wanting to get back here and post for some time and today I just happen to find some free time and felt compelled to share.

Bit of a summary ... man .. seems like another lifetime as I think about it. My BD ... you all still use these letters right??!!?? ... well BD was Sep13 and I took my time to make every mistake in the book about 3 times before I found this site and after some time discovered the MLC area and dove head first into this crappy pool. The amount of things I learned here were life changing as cliche as that sounds ... it seems like an understatement as I would not even recognize what I referred to as Cali 1.0 .... Cali 5.0 is in a great place now.

So the reason I came back just to update .... my MLCr appears to be clearly out of the tunnel. Only took about 6.5 years.... ok I laughed. I know so many here look for hope and answers, I was there too and for me just knowing I was not the only one who had to buy a Spew Jacket and deal with Batsh*t Crazy was a massive amount of comfort.

A bit of her history ... and things that I knew just did not know the impact of it on her. Like I said BD was Sep13, back in Jun12 my father passed away and looking back I mistakenly pinned that event as the death that set her off into the MLC tunnel, that was not entirely true and I will address the real reason shortly. So Death 2012 and full MLC meltdown Sep13, we separate Dec13 and my hell journey begins. Had a very hard Touch and Go where she said all the right things and we got back together for about 8 months late 2014-Feb15 where I discovered Texts and photos sent to OM. She only had one OM, never resorted to drugs/alcohol and for the most part was not to bad a mother with our only son ... now 13. From what I can explain she did not have that "ah ha" moment but just seemed to get gradually better through 2018-2019.

February of this year for the first time we had dinner with our son for his Birthday and to be honest it was only about 20% awkward and I actually enjoyed it. Later on that month she called me up while I was in the middle of dealing with a personal issue and asked if I could give her a ride to her Dr appt ... I agreed. Now to clarify, at this point I have zero interest in reconciliation but she is the mother of my child and I have tried through this entire episode to display acts I want him to remember, and I want him to know I will always care about his mom regardless what happened between us and its been much easier to deal with schedules and events if we get along. So deep down I was skeptical about the fact she wanted me to take her but felt compelled to go along with it. As it turned out over the next 2 weeks and 2 Dr trips later she explained alot to me about what happened. She tearfully apologized about everything she put me through and said I had every reason to hate her. She told me about a retreat she had gone to at the beginning of the year that had 120 abused women. I was obviously confused as we were together for 23 years and I hardly yelled at her let along raised a hand, but I just sat and listened as she let loose. In 2011 her brother was sentenced to prison for 20 years for raping his 15 year old step daughter ... This was the trigger... this made her recall that he also molested her when they were kids. So it set off all sorts of trauma that she was not equipped to deal with but had been going to therapy over the past 2 years and dealing with all this along with the miscarriage that we had which she really struggled with. She told me that her and OM are over and have been for some time, tbh I am at a point where I do not really care about that but I will be honest that I would be more at ease with her being with someone other than that guy.

As for me I was in a pretty serious relationship for a bit but at the moment we are not together as some things happened that triggered me back to these days and I pretty much ended things. I think with my ExW talking about what happened that will help me somehow to continue to work on the issues that I developed over this whole crisis. The work is never done and even now I am back to doing some mirror work and continue to make improvements.

Anyways ... this place helped me so much ... if you all have any questions I will try to stick around for a bit.


Last edited by job; 04/27/20 08:06 PM. Reason: edited a word

M: 48
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BD Sept13



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Cali!!!!! Man it's GREAT to see you!

Wow. What an update! So, how is exw now? In what ways has she changed? In what ways is she the same?

How about you? How has what you went through colored your intimate relationships moving forward? I ask because I feel so stuck .. I've moved lightyears ahead in some areas, but I haven't dated at all. Just feel a wall there when I even think about it. I'd like to blow up that wall, but I'm not sure how to do it.

Anyway, final question - how's your boy doing?

It really is so so so great to read an update from you buddy! I've missed you!! {{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hey Cali - good to see your head pop up over the parapet.

It sounds like you are navigating the waters that swirl you around with your head up.

It's interesting that your ex went to counseling for abused women. My own ex was sexually abused as a kid by an uncle in her case. Thinking back, it might have been "his" death that sent her off on her own journey to pixie dust fairy land. It does re-inforce the idea that any sort of serious trauma can jump up and bite you if you don't face it.

I think that a lot of us imagine that what caused everything to blow up involved us but are completely wrong.

Take care old friend.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Cali!!!!! Man it's GREAT to see you!


Bttrfly .... wow someone I actually remember!! How have ya been ??

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Wow. What an update! So, how is exw now? In what ways has she changed? In what ways is she the same?


She seems to be doing much much better. She has spent the last couple years working on her relationship with our son which seems to be in a good place, sure she nags and is over protective but there have been situations I have just bluntly told her if she kept pressing him she would lose him and she will back off and make peace with him. She seems much more at ease and not as impulsive like she was in MLC phase, dare I say less selfish. During this Lockdown I do her grocery shopping as she is terrified to get the virus with her weaker immune system... and unlike her she is extremely appreciative, even pre-MLC she was never that way. Its very similar to the person I married so long ago but its like you can tell she went through a war and has come out the other side much more calmer and seems to have a different set of priorities.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
How about you? How has what you went through colored your intimate relationships moving forward? I ask because I feel so stuck .. I've moved lightyears ahead in some areas, but I haven't dated at all. Just feel a wall there when I even think about it. I'd like to blow up that wall, but I'm not sure how to do it.


Ugh .,.. so I dated this one girl.."Irish" on and off for a couple years, she helped me in alot of areas then I met someone whom checked off so many of the boxes I was looking for. We got very close very fast and with this I discovered I still am looking for the other shoe to drop, the past issues with xw have given me some trust issues that I did not experience till this year, some justified and some not. The positive part is as bad as the break up was I know I will never face anything like MLC so regardless I know I will be fine but there is still some more work to do when I thought I was darn near a perfect specimen of a man.
I can relate to the wall thing ... thats one Irish never got past, we are still friends but I know she was a bit miffed at not being able to get through that and then someone else did. I think its just a gut thing, you will find someone whom you will not have reservations about but its after so much mirror time and self improvement till you get to a place that you actually deserve to be happy. MLC seemed to me to have an impact, we spent so much time focused on them and being miserable that it was tough to move that focus inward and heal ... heal to a point where we can admit to ourselves we deserve something better. I think I felt in a way I deserved the MLC wrath in some mystical way as punishment for all my wrong-doings.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Anyway, final question - how's your boy doing?

It really is so so so great to read an update from you buddy! I've missed you!! {{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}


My son is amazing, he truly is. He seems to have gone through all this very well. He is taller than I am ... at 13 ...We are guessing he is going to be 6-0 before he is 14...his favorite line is "Dad I still look up to you even if I have to look down" that's about the time I do not care about Child Protective Services and am sure they will side with me for beating him.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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