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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Well hello all ....

It seems like its been years since I have posted, I will come in and read up from time to time but seldom post as in a way it just seems rude to bust in someones thread who has no idea who I am and offer advice that's generally already been given though I might re-word it somehow.

Was reading my last posts/threads ... seems like reading someone else's life to be honest. So for those new keeping score ... I am about 5 years past the good ole BD, 3 I think failed mediation attempts and finally divorced the beginning of this year. I have done a good deal of reading, healing, work work and more work between the ears to get to where I am at this moment. I firmly believe the MLC process is much more about the LBS than the MLCr just for the simple fact they will never remotely think they have a problem until the exhaust all those rabbit holes, we are forced into the mirror work well ahead of their time line. I also believe there is a gender issue on how us guys heal vs you ladies ... certain things I think hit us harder and take more time to truly work through.

That being said .. update wise. The MLCr is still on and off again with OM as far as I know. She has yet to re-introduce to S11 (He is not a fan of the fella for previous reasons) She rarely makes eye contact when I collect S11 every other Saturday but the past few months she does not hesitate to call for things concerning S11.

As far as me, I did date for a hiccup and got past that "This is weird" phase ... but have yet to meet anyone who really checks off all the boxes .. along with the fact I am just far to busy really to have much more than a friendship type relationship with anyone ... I am sure at some point this will change but for now I am content and enjoying the time I have with my son, we go fishing, went on vacation to Colorado and had a snowball fight in the mountains in July .. just making memories and enjoying the time.

The reason I decided to post, was just to let you all know who m are still up to your necks in the crisis is regardless of what your MLCr has done, is doing or will do .. if you work on yourself and let them to their own journey you will be just fine. I really never knew how toxic and bad things were for me till I was able to climb out of that pit and look at it from a different perspective. Granted it took a LONG time but I look back and smile at the good times, shake my head at the bad and really accepted ... key word ACCEPTED (Not understood) what has happened and this is my next chapter where ever it may lead.

There is light on the other side if you focus on you .. I promise you this.

Best wishes

Cali


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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job Offline
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So glad you returned and posted an update. Please, don't be a stranger. There are many newbies who could use your advice and wisdom while traveling their respective paths.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Great to hear from you CaliGuy and good to know you are doing so well.

I’ve often thought that it must be harder for men who’s W are in MLC. It’s just something I’ve always believed and the reason I’ve never been able to offer advice to any men on this board.

Anyway, as Job says ‘don’t be a stranger’.

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
So glad you returned and posted an update. Please, don't be a stranger. There are many newbies who could use your advice and wisdom while traveling their respective paths.

Thank you Job .....I will try to bounce in a bit more often ...

Originally Posted by Westo
Great to hear from you CaliGuy and good to know you are doing so well.

I’ve often thought that it must be harder for men who’s W are in MLC. It’s just something I’ve always believed and the reason I’ve never been able to offer advice to any men on this board.

Anyway, as Job says ‘don’t be a stranger’.


I am not so sure its harder (having never been a woman!! ..lol) , but I do feel its definitely different. Reading the various MLC-threads/sites and all if one were to believe the "timeline" its longer got a MLCW than a MLCH for whatever reason you would like to believe. I know for me personally I really had to rebuild myself and become more of a man in some regards. I think as a long term relationship gets abruptly derailed and there is an OM all the sudden it eats away at our core. It was more than just the mirror work for me, it was re-learning those traits and qualities that made me... dare I say attractive to the opposite sex. Ladies are more drawn to confidence in a man and when you have had your SO of 20+ years cheat openly and unashamed it will rock any dude, this has to be rebuilt from the floor up IMHO as you just can not fake it till you make it in the confidence arena. The site here and others helped me wrap my head around the MLC crisis and let me know I was not alone, however the healing part of all this came slowly and in little steps along with the rebuilding process.


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How's the music going? I'm playing vibraphone for my friend Sunday at the Carlsbad music festival. Glad to hear you're healing.

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Hey CaliGuy! - (waves)


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Cali

Always enjoy your updates

Definitely breaks the spirit of a man

And takes a while to pick up the pieces

Thanks for showing the way


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Cali, you are such a welcome voice. Love reading your updates and posts elsewhere. You seem to be further down the trail than the rest of us, and you offer resonant perspective on what this all has brought you.

Originally Posted by CaliGuy
I will come in and read up from time to time but seldom post as in a way it just seems rude to bust in someones thread who has no idea who I am and offer advice that's generally already been given though I might re-word it somehow.

Oh, d@mn. I didn't think of that. I bust in on newbie threads and give my 2 cents without a proper introduction. Ha ha.

Originally Posted by CaliGuy
She rarely makes eye contact when I collect S11 every other Saturday but the past few months she does not hesitate to call for things concerning S11.

Check and check. I get no eye contact, and when I pick up my kids if XW can get them out the door without showing her face, she does. She only communicates via text, and only about money.

Originally Posted by CaliGuy
I think as a long term relationship gets abruptly derailed and there is an OM all the sudden it eats away at our core. It was more than just the mirror work for me, it was re-learning those traits and qualities that made me... dare I say attractive to the opposite sex. Ladies are more drawn to confidence in a man and when you have had your SO of 20+ years cheat openly and unashamed it will rock any dude, this has to be rebuilt from the floor up IMHO as you just can not fake it till you make it in the confidence arena.

This is tough medicine to take but I'm glad to hear this from you. There are times I tell myself "I think I'm more screwed up than I know, but I don't know how or why" - I wonder if this is related to all of this.

Thanks for the update.

Last edited by job; 08/27/18 06:44 PM. Reason: edited a word

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T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
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D final: June '18
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
How's the music going? I'm playing vibraphone for my friend Sunday at the Carlsbad music festival. Glad to hear you're healing.


Still at it ... Its a blessing and a curse, definateyl keeps me busy as it consumes 8 nights a month where I only have 14 "Free nights" that I do not have my son so that leaves me 6 days a month (2 weekends and 2 week days) free to clean the house, got out here and there or just catch up on some rest/reading.


Hey Andrew hope all is well.

Brubeck .... yeah I am a bit down the road in some regards but still on that same road of recovery and healing. The current focus I personally have is to try and let go of some of the angst ... ya know that shattered picture of what I always thought would have been and replace it with what is. I am not angry nor bitter but I will say one never plans to be 'here' ... dating is strange, gatherings ... strange, just day to day life is sometimes strange .. not in a bad way just different.


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hi Cali

caught up with your updates. I see you are still walking tall and doing your thing. I know we all have our bad days but to think too much on what you had or wish was still the norm doesn't help.

In my case she is not someone I would date. She is not the one I fell in love with. That person is no more.

For my kids, i truly hope some day my girls will have some sort of relationship with their mom. Until then, I will stand strong for them

Hope you are having this great weather we are having in the north east. Summer couldn't have been better this year.

Cheers !


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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