During which S10 tells me MLC asked about how I was and asked S10 if I ever ask about her which struck him as strange (had to say it gave me pause but then I quickly shrugged it off as its just one of those things I think they go through). He is not aware she lost her job and I have taken the position its not my story to tell.
Ignoring the MLC label - if you think of them just as someone who lies, you can reasonably expect that they believe that everyone else does too and that they would try to protect themselves from it.
My kids are significantly older and we have boundaries where I don't ask about their mother and they don't tell me. On the other hand, especially as the settlement was being negotiated I am quite positive that she pressured S23 into passing on information. Since I've told my kids that I have no secrets from them or their mother I'm "fine" with that although annoyed that she would do such a thing.
It's interesting to me from the perspective that I have now that you've not made any efforts to get some closure. I know we've talked about it before. I'm perhaps more risk averse than you are which is where I was absolutely concerned about where "crazy train" might be headed and wanted to get off. You still seem to be holding a ticket on that ride. You don't have to answer, but have you given hard thought to what the end goal is for you? We can I think assume that your W isn't "coming home" any time soon, if at all. So why prolong things?
As I said - you don't have to answer here. And thanks for your past support on my own journey.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
During which S10 tells me MLC asked about how I was and asked S10 if I ever ask about her which struck him as strange (had to say it gave me pause but then I quickly shrugged it off as its just one of those things I think they go through). He is not aware she lost her job and I have taken the position its not my story to tell.
Ignoring the MLC label - if you think of them just as someone who lies, you can reasonably expect that they believe that everyone else does too and that they would try to protect themselves from it.
My kids are significantly older and we have boundaries where I don't ask about their mother and they don't tell me. On the other hand, especially as the settlement was being negotiated I am quite positive that she pressured S23 into passing on information. Since I've told my kids that I have no secrets from them or their mother I'm "fine" with that although annoyed that she would do such a thing.
It's interesting to me from the perspective that I have now that you've not made any efforts to get some closure. I know we've talked about it before. I'm perhaps more risk averse than you are which is where I was absolutely concerned about where "crazy train" might be headed and wanted to get off. You still seem to be holding a ticket on that ride. You don't have to answer, but have you given hard thought to what the end goal is for you? We can I think assume that your W isn't "coming home" any time soon, if at all. So why prolong things?
As I said - you don't have to answer here. And thanks for your past support on my own journey.
Closure is a topic that gets tossed around a bit in the circle I am a part of. I am not sure if there really is ever closure on something like this where a long term marriage is terminated basically by one party for confusing reasons, I can say the same about my fathers death I am not sitting around waiting for him to come in the door nor do I think he will .. its the same with the MLCr those dramatic events like a death or the ending of a marriage in the way it happened I am not sure one ever gets 'closure' sure you work on things, you move on, you accept but it will never make sense and you just have to arrive at a place where you realize it was out of your hands and whats done is done. Hence why there are a few forums like this one to help those cope and give support from people who have lived the similar nightmare, the only reason I still post and update is simply to tell the story from my perspective and TBH I am curious to see how it plays out and ends, not only for myself and my son but for her, something in these 20+ threads may help someone else... I know when I was in the middle of it all I read tons of stories and found parts that I could use in my sitch which in retrospect were pivotal in my journey.
I think all we can really do is achieve acceptance which I completely have and once I did arrive there it helped my healing process along much further. Still in the courts with the divorce process is not a matter of 'holding the ticket' really, it no longer feels like limbo, I will be divorced its just a matter of when at this point as the courts here in California are flooded with so many cases its just a waiting process. My case was filed in Sep16 and we have yet to get to mediation(Jan18).
As far as the inquisition and S10 finding it strange I think he was picking up on her stress about the job and confusing it with who knows what... he told me he found it strange is all and I am thankful he does share his feelings with me on such things, we are pretty open on several things including his crush on Gracie who sits 3 seats away. All I can do is help him through all this as I have and focus on him, tbh she is actually leaps and bounds better with him than a few years ago and I have seen the benefit of that through him. Her getting through this crisis is not about coming to her senses and trying to come back and fix all she has done, to me its just her finding her way out and becoming a better version of herself as I have ... our S10 benefits from that.
Accepting things we don't understand is a HUGE life lesson.
Especially events that cause us great pain. Refusing to accept - prolongs the pain. And many many people in our world do not ever accept what has been lost.
My bff's athletic 22 y/o son died last year, due to a freak heart defect. She will never understand "why" he died and yet she must go on. She has another son, and a h whom she loves. But her pain is brutal and tbh, a lot of it is probably permanent.
I figure if she can get up every day and get outside and help others and learn to laugh a bit again, and she does, I can. I accept that my m was once a beautiful thing, and it is no longer around, so I move forward in my life.
I will create another beautiful thing, i.e. my life.
Cali, you are doing this^^ and maybe someday after the dust has settled, you'll date.
I bet the water is warm when you dive in.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Cali, it's good to hear from you and I'm glad to hear you're generally doing well - despite recent challenges. It isn't easy going through the D process. You've been here a while now and you do handle things very calmly - but don't take any chit either - which I admire.
Yes, in many ways it is easier if your spouse runs headlong into the D process and finalises it relatively quickly as mine did. That way it is taken out of your hands and your spouse is no longer your spouse and it is easier to move on (for me anyway.) I'm not sure where I would be if XH hadn't filed for D. But in many ways I'm grateful he did.
I think the whole areas of acceptance and assimilation are really important. It has been a big area of learning for me - to loose the control and let others be and live as they see fit. To do the same myself - and integrate the difficult experience of our marital breakdown into my life and move forward.
Your situation still isn't ideal and you are still navigating some rough waters. However, who you are and how you are shines through in all of your postings, and that is what really matters at the end of the day - X happened and Y happened - but through these, I managed to carry myself in a way I can look back and feel proud and at peace.
Take care Cali xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cali you are such a rock star, really you are. All about the boy, and that's as it should be.
From a woman's perspective, the question isn't strange. She's wondering about your life now.
The lawyer's comments? I would have been so tempted to fire back a comment about wife's STD but then again, I am not as Zen as you are, lol. Your way is better. Much, much better.
You continue to impress with your approach and responses to this process. The business end, which you are now traversing, is hard. I have no doubt that you will move through it with your usual grace and acceptance.
Thank you for continuing to share with us here. You've helped so many by doing so - me included. xoxoxo have a great weekend!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
The sexting comment definitely came from your wife. She's trying to keep the lawyer on her side by making you out to be the bad guy, is simply "say none of that is true and your client is lying to you"
As a fan who has read all 20 threads, I can say yes, they are very helpful. You have shared some very hard earned wisdom that no book or counselor could share. In terms of closure or acceptance, you and Andrew may be talking about the same thing using different words. I do think it is different in that your son is only 10 and not 23. Both of you have gotten off your w’s Crazy trains in your own healthy way.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks for the update. Sounds like you've reached real detachment. You're pretty much off the crazy train, and when your MLCer forces you to get back on it, you see it for what it is. I envy your great perspective on things. The experience only sounds like half the story, the other half is how it's interpreted, which sounds really advanced on your part (the sexting comments would have set me off).
There are brief moments I find myself with time to spare, and I think to call a friend for dinner or beers or a movie. Then I realize that's a waste of time, because I am in - as you've said - "monk mode". Ha ha. That one goes in the record books.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Well its been a bit since I have updated ... I actually debated if I would or not but as this story has gone I feel in a way I would be remiss if I didn't
So big part of my story is I am officially divorced. Went final 1/11/2018 after being filed back in 9/23/2016. It was a long drawn out process to say the least.
I did not really want to post just for the fact so many here are facing it and in many ways holding onto hope just as I was in the early days, I actually seen it as small victories as I went through 3 ... yes 3.... failed meditations only for things to finally end up in the courts, and again there things were drawn out. I honestly dropped rope in Feb15 consciously, it was the unconscious battles that took its toll and time to finally detach and let her go about her own journey that no one can know the outcome nor duration.
As far as my feeling, I let it sink in for about a week before I was going to post here, just to make sure I really was feeling what I was feeling and I will be honest ... the day in court seeing her I was reminded how beautiful I always found her, but also reminded how I just do not know who that person is anymore. There was a bit of sadness and remorse that day. Once I left the court I actually felt lighter, that cloud that has been over my head for 4 1/2 years had some serious weight and in a sense I felt free, not last day of school free but more like graduation free where its mixed in with a touch of uncertainty but you have faith things are going to be just fine.
I will say this ... out of all the things that happened over the past 4 1/2 years I know now I needed to learn the hard earned lessons that only this type of thing can bring, I am light years away from Cali 1.0 and so so thankful for all I have learned .. much from this forum, thank you all of you and you know who you are .. some here and some have not posted in ages..... I have grown, and become so much more aware and at peace with it all than I could ever articulate.
As far as my MLCr, I can not tell you much concerning her, the NC has been pretty standard for the past 2 years, her lawyer did tell me that MLCr desperately wants to show S10 we respect and care for each other (unsure what to take from that but with all things MLC ... actions not words) I shared I did believe we could successfully co-parent and maybe one day be friends but currently my priority is S10 and the new life I have been handed. S10 shared she had been crying all weekend but over several things (She never once told him of the divorce) She had family affected by the flood up north (All are fine and were clear from harms way) and ExMIL was in the hospital with kidney issues something MLRr is worried about that she will one day become MIL in and out of hospitals all the time telling S10 its because she worries so much (Mush of the issues I have always felt were from stress tbh) . She did look like the bad side of town when I collected S10 Monday, but I really did not question why till S10 mentioned how his day was with her.
So now with all that said and done I am moving into a much bigger place, the financial cloud over my head is gone and I know where I stand its refreshing to be able to go after those things without the D hanging over my head. As far as the settlement .. I know I left a good deal of money on the table short term, long term was my concern and I won all those battles so its a deal I felt was fair and I could live with.
{{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}} I'm sorry it came to this, but ... you now have the rest of your life ahead of you to do with as you please, a beautiful son who loves you very much and an open road ahead.
You've come through the worst of it, and are thriving on the other side. I know immediately post D for me I felt really good. I then famously crashed I think in large part because I'd been living on adrenalin for a number of years. I don't think you'll have that same dip.
You've grown so much just in the time I've been here. I'm sure you and your son will have a wonderful fresh start - somewhat bittersweet - but yes, I think you are going to be just fine.
Congratulations on the new place. You've waited a long time to have that financial cloud gone. Glad the limbo is over, even though this isn't the preferred outcome.
xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
