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#2755313 08/07/17 05:32 AM
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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I know my last thread was pretty close to the limit so at this point I figured best just to start a new thread ... I am not counting them nor linking them ALL I think after 24 (GOOD GREIF!!) that's just silly, those who want to look back through them have their homework to do. Also ... I am not sure if I mentioned this but I have saved the first 20 or so just for safe keeping as I know the site does do a purge here and there and with all the great advice I figure it would be a good idea to keep those golden nuggets.

Link to previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...596#Post2706596

So I have an update .... but also reading another thread it made me recall something that happened that I do not think I have shared that I actually feel compelled to now all the sudden.

So let me set this up .... I belonged to an online forum similar to this ... just different topic prior to my BD in 2013. I actually moderated the site. So long story short There was a husband/wife who were contributing members of the site for some time .... out of the blue (Christy-MLCr) left her husband of 30 years (Hank-LBS) for another member (Jerry-OM). At the time ... 2009 I think ... I did not think much of it as I had no idea what MLC truly was. My BD was a good 4 years after this and was another year till I discovered this place so I really had not thought about this at all as I was in my own tornado of misery at the time.
So a few months ago (I do check into that place here and there still) I see this post from (Christy) who I am sure went through her own MLC as things just seem to line up now that I understand what to look for ... thought I would share as it really shows how that fantasy is never what its cracked up to be.

In response to her 'Announcement'
Quote:
We request the honor of your virtual presence
As we, (Jerry-OM) and (Christy-MLCr)
exchange marriage vows,
celebrate new beginnings, new dreams,
and most importantly, our love for each other
Friday, May 1, 2009

Raise your glass at 7pm
You all played a part in bringing us together


Then 8 years later ... the reality of it all...and some insight that possibly both were MLC and the perfect storm hit shore.

Quote:

Well, after almost 8 years together it is over. He passed away on April 27th, 2017 after a difficult battle with Esophageal Cancer. We had more downs than ups in the marriage. He lied to me, promised things he could not or would not deliver. I think he must have been bi-polar or something similar. I'm not a doctor so can't say for sure. I just know what I lived.

(Jerry-OM) convinced me that he was the answer to my prayers, someone who would love me like no other, better than anyone else could. I came here looking for help and thinking that if my husband(Hank-LBS) saw me interacting with other men it would give him a kick start. Remind him that he loved me. It didn't work. It backfired big time.

I ended up divorcing (Hank-LBS), moving to Texas and marrying Jerry-OM). He was a big time scotch and soda man, a big time liar. He was mean to his mother, sister, children. He'd been married twice before and both women left him. I wish I would have known how mean he was.

He told me when he retired we would move back to Michigan, close to my children and parents. We did it alright but he alienated my family and they would have nothing to do with us. After my Dad died in 2015 I was able to mend fences with my mom and sister. It's been difficult.

(Jerry-OM) forbid me to participate here because he was jealous. But he continued to play as you all know. Some women here continued to play with him unknown to me. He emailed with them and talked about meeting, talked about what he'd like to do with them. It's disgusting to think about knowing what I know about him.

While we lived in Texas I would come to Michigan maybe twice a year to visit my family. Usually he would come with me once each year. While I was gone he would go to Dallas and visit, have dinner with and stay the night with one of his old girlfriends. Never telling her he was married. I was looking for his rib recipe on his computer yesterday (we liked to cook together) and instead of recipes I found saved correspondence from women on this site and his old girlfriend. Special.

I don't know if he met any of you girls while we were married or if he had "sex" with you. I will say he had Polio as a child and sex was rare for us. He had difficulty from the polio. I was alright with it because he supposedly loved me. I foolishly turned the other cheek after he pointed guns at me in a drunken rage. Turned the other cheek when he told me I was a stupid son of a bitch. When he wouldn't eat dinner because I didn't ask him how to make it first.

What a gem he turned out to be. And what a fool I was for destroying my marriage of 32 years, thinking I was needing something better.

Stop and think about what you are doing before you jump. The grass is not greener on the cheating side. I speak from experience.

He, at time was a lovely gentleman. He could speak and write lovely words making me feel, at the time like the luckiest woman in the world. I do believe that after he got cancer he came around and maybe did really love me. For the care and love that I gave him. I was here when he was unconscious, taking excellent care of him as I was taught by my mother. He did not die alone or in pain. I was a good wife to him.

I'm not angry, I'm hurt to the core that we lived a lie.

Shame on me.


I post this just for the simple fact that I think this is the typical result .... some figure things out faster than others .. for Christy it was 8 years later that she showed some remorse for the choices she made and felt compelled to warn others not to make the same mistake as she did.
Sometimes I think we need to see a story like this, as in my case its hard to know because my MLCr is so good at the fake front you would think she is the happiest person on earth most the times, then other times you can just hear the pain ... MLC is odd that way.

OK update to follow.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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CaliGuy Offline OP
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So as I progress through this ... my updates grow further and further apart mostly because there is just so little 'post-worthy' news to share.

My MLCr and I had disclosed our financials back in March after the first court hearing. The next court date was set for Aug 3rd. I had not heard a peep from her L nor her about the D or anything related. Communication with the MLCr and myself has been strictly S10 based .... she has been more cordial than normal during this time with a few phone calls about therapy or scheduling vacations she was wanting to take .... my approach very guarded and business like because honestly, she is nice when she wants or needs something that's how she works, and it was also what had me stuck for years and attached thinking it was her popping out of the tunnel when infact it was simply manipulation.



So a week and a half prior to the court date I receive docs from the Lawyer, presenting the proposed settlement agreement ... as I read along I probably said 'oh hell no / she is nucking futs' a dozen times. I went and did a free consult with an amazing L who understood my position and also offered to just walk me through for an hourly rate if needed rather than retain her for thousands as its apparent the MLCr and her L want to settle this out of court. I am one of the few who actually would benefit financially being divorced at this point (MLCr should have filed at BD and she would have been set)

So armed with info I go to court .. the L tries to toss me under the bus implying she had not heard from me with regards to the settlement ... I return serve and made the judge laugh with the rest of the court room when I informed him I just received the package and it took me 3 days to locate my eyeballs that rolled out of my head after reading the proposal, then another 3-4 to find a L who could give me a non-biased counsel, as amazing as the MLC's lawyer seems... she is also not on my payroll nor guarding my interests. So he set another date for October 25th which I am sure they will want to settle before then.

After that .. the L asked to talk and we sat and went through the proposal ,which she said she thought was fair .... and I actually laughed at her agreeing that if I were on her team I would think its a helluva deal. I was nice and cordial but also firm when I informed her I was only out for fair ... not about getting to fair and negotiating down. She was not happy that I knew exactly where I stood and was in no hurry to settle and they would have to go back and arrive at much better numbers to be done with this. Now its in the courts MLCr will have to pay the L for all this work ... that fantasy of what D looks like I am sure is going to be far removed from reality.

Strange thing is ... this far into it all I am not bitter/angry or any of that. Its simply business at this point. For me divorced/married/limbo it makes no difference in my life as I have finally reached that acceptance place ... it is what it is .. so cliche but fits. As much as I never wanted D, at this point I think I need it .. I think she needs it. I do not know who she is at all anymore ... even pictures that pop up on 'FB-memories' feels like I am looking at someone else s life but somehow have a vague memory of that event. Getting past this allows me to get into a place and close this chapter and see what the next chapter holds.

Personally .. I am not dating, I am really much to busy to really give anyone my time, working as much as I do its really hard to actually meet anyone. The online thing ... ugh .. well been there and done that and its for the birds. So I have accepted things will happen as they will, I do not have much free time but when I do I make an effort to get out of my comfort zone and get out there and learn how to be somewhat human again. Wednesday I am going out to a Birthday party for two female friends (twins) I have not seen in years .. should be a fun night.

So ... till something else happens ... I hope you all take care and remember its more about your own journey than it ever will be about theirs.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Wow, that first post really says it all about what life on the other side looks like. It was also telling that poor Christy is the innocent little victim throughout. All of these things were done to her and she was treated so badly. I suppose some things never change, eh? I know for a fact that my MLCer is going to have a sh$tty life. Not sure what I feel about that. A little pity, a little schadenfreude, something.

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Cali...great post on the greener grass. I also agree with Own on the fact that even though she was sad about ruining her marriage, she was the victim in it all. Yes she was sold a bill of goods by the OM, but she was the one out looking where she shouldn't have been.

As far as the D, I agree that some just have to go all the way thru with the D. I pray things in your life continue to go well.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Cali,

Great to hear about your life.

A wonderful journey you are living!

Mirage

The MLC story......gee where have I heard that before

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Well done Cali. Yes. it's business.

I realized as I read your post that somehow I managed to stick to that during the heaviest part of the negotiations and reserved falling apart about it until later.

Guess the past few months have been "later"

Reading your post I know you will be better than ok. You will thrive. Heck you already are thriving.

And somehow, I know I will be ok too.

Thanks for that.

xoxoxoxo
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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wow Cali that Christy and Hank story is sad. I hope Hank came out of it a better person and moved on to happiness.

Its a shame Christy only broke free after Jerrys death.
All so sad and messed up.

as per your sitch,, divorce is welcoming. Mine went through last year and it was a relief to be no longer tied to my XW.
You are at a great place.

of course the initial shock of seeing those final papers hits you, only because we never imagined it ever happening this way. We thought life was great, happy mirage, kids, house, family. This MLC, no one should be married to them in this state. They need to be alone.

Keep your path, i followed you from the beginning of my arrival here. So glad I did.

take care


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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CaliGuy - thank you for sharing that post. I find it really helpful. I feel guilty for saying this, but there are time when I do want my H to be miserable. To punish him? Maybe. To make him feel regret/remorse? Perhaps. Retribution? Yea, a little.

I suppose if I ever get to the point of being able to forgive, perhaps those feelings will go away.

Forgiveness seems to be a reemerging theme. I, like others, have struggled with what exactly does it mean. I think it means something different for everyone. For me, it happens incrementally.

One thing my therapist pointed out that I found really helpful, so in the hopes I can contribute something I will pass it on. He told me granting forgiveness does not mean trusting the person again. He reminded me that people often confuse trust and forgiveness.

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CaliGuy - Good to see you update. I quite liked your post on another thread about forgiveness. With my upcoming legal meeting I may try to remember one of your gems on this thread for my own use. I hope you won't mind if I don't attribute them wink

I also appreciate you sharing the story you did at the top of this thread. I'm not sure what I think if it which is good because it means that I'm thinking. I think that we here tend to use labels and look to statistics which make us feel better as the LBS. It was a very sad story. Representative? I have no clue so can't comment on that. There is such a poor body of knowledge out there on infidelity and outcomes at least from what reading I have done. MLC itself isn't a widely accepted diagnosis but it does give us something we can label this cr@p with which I suppose helps. Part of that is perhaps because try as I might, read as much as I have, I truly honestly don't understand what my own spouse has / is going through. Like you are I think, I'm getting to be OK with that.

Glad to see you around though and thanks for making me think.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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What a sad story about Christy and her choices, and one I hear over, and over, and over again. Part of me wonders if their regret isn't so much about the people they left, the lives they shattered, but that it didn't play out the way they hoped. I still see so much selfishness in the stories, but being on the other side, I may not be able to see it any other way.

Cali, you sound solid and I am so happy to hear that. Being in the place of acceptance can be so helpful in dealing with the crazy, such as the settlement proposed to you. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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