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Kylo Offline OP
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First off, thanks to everyone who puts in time here. I've been lurking and have found it quite helpful. I'm hoping my story will help others as well as myself...

I have a MLC wife who fits all of the markers. Its funny because before I got around to MLC I looked at Narcissism, then BPD, and she had some strong hits there, but not a majority of the traits; but with MLC, BOOM!, it was all there.

She dropped the bomb in May of this year, with almost no warning. I told her later: If you measured the speed of this divorce in the number of words discussing it, this would be the fastest divorce in history!

We met for lunch because I needed a lunch partner that day. She had just come from the last college she attended to discuss with them what she would need to finish her degree, (she may have close to 200 credit hours from attending 5 different schools, but no degree. She kept changing her major. I'm still paying on her student loans.) For the previous few weeks we had barely spoken. I knew something was up. At this lunch I told her I really wanted to know what was going on, and she reluctantly told me that she thought she wanted a divorce. She wouldn't really divulge much more. My pride, anger, and my own concerns kept me from really pushing much further. Looking back after reading Divorce Remedy, this may have been a good thing. There really was no pursuit on my part. I never cried. (Part of me wonders if she should at least know that I care, because there wasn't much of a "fight for this" moment, although I have told her that I want to stay married and this would be new relationship).

In the following few conversations we had, she would eventually say things like: "I don't think I can love you like that." "Our marriage was terrible" "I've been faking it for so long" "You deserve better" "We can be great friends" etc...

We did go to two "Discernment" counseling sessions at very high cost, and after the second session, she said she was pretty sure she wanted the divorce, so that was that. We've probably had 3 discussions about it so far, but they have mostly been about the logistics of the divorce That's it for the first post, I'll be adding to it as sort of an electronic history. I think details matter, but I also know most people don't like details, so we'll see how well I balance!


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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Dig in buddy and realize that you may or may not know what it is. Post a lot and read a lot and know you are not alone.
Read Sandi's rules
Seems counterintuitive but it will help you.

Prays


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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Kylo Offline OP
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Thanks for the replies. I've read the book and doing a lot of research, which is why there isn't much to this thread. I've been doing really well with Sandi's rules. It seems between my pride and getting turned onto the Divorce Remedy book early, there wasn't much to any chasing, crying, etc...
It seems pretty clear to me she is on the BPD spectrum, but might fall short of clinical diagnosis. Her childhood certainly supports it. My dad used to say it was amazing that my wife turned out so normal, well...... It seems to me like BPD is almost a guarantee of MLC.

I read the traits and "examples" of BPD and some of them just make me say "wow"! My interest in this research has distracted me, so I'm not dealing with too much pain. It is not often you find a topic you are interested in that you knew nothing about. I am amazed at how much people are affected by their childhoods. Hers:

-Her parents divorced. Dad moves away. At some point her brother goes and lives with dad.

-Mom remarries and new guy brings two sons along. They treat her like their sister, and the new guy treats her like a daughter, even offering adoption. Meanwhile, the possible alcoholic, definitely narcissistic mother fights with the new man violently. Eventually this new family leaves in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again.

-Mom and brother are clinically crazy. And many other things.

Really, how could my wife NOT have issues. I do feel a little sorry for her, but I'm starting to wonder if getting back on track is even possible? Even if she comes back we have BPD to work through which requires commitment, effort, time, all things she does not want to give.

I feel the worst for my boys. I love 'em a ton, they're sweet, fun and completely innocent. I started to feel that I let them down making this poor choice of a mom, (she's actually a good mom, BUT SHE WANTS A DIVORCE, so a failure), but I realized there was no way to really tell before the marriage. I never believed in the whole rough childhood affecting people as adults. I thought it was BS. I wish I knew then what I know now. Her history would have given me serious pause.


M: 41 W: 41
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Bomb Dropped May 2017
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Kylo Offline OP
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So today we're at lunch at a restaurant with my family. My brother asks what the special is. This almost always reminds me of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carrey asks what the soup du jour is. And the waitress replies "The soup of the day", and Jim Carrey says: "Sounds great. I'll have that." So I repeat the line. My wide turns to my sister-in-law and groans about the "same old jokes", like she is really mad about it! I'm smiling as I type it, it's so funny and so textbook MLC. On the flipside, it just makes me want to say GTFO. Funny and maddening at the same time, and pathetic.

She had said she needed a job that made at least $50,000 to start out on her own, (with no college degree). Well I find one for her, and she is wishy-washy about it. She says she wants more.

She already knows how to do this job. It has full benefits, normal hours, puts her back in the workforce, she could stay here and build up a little war chest, she could get out of the house soon, which as of a couple weeks ago, is what she really wanted. It seems so BPD, just wallowing in the misery.

Now that I have stopped moving the divorce ball forward, nothing is happening. I wonder how long it will be until she decides to put a little effort into getting out of this "terrible marriage that has been terrible for years" and that she was "faking it for so long".

I put some time in and was able to find the MLC, and then find the BPD (I actually started with searching for "why can't my wife admit when she is wrong, and didn't quite find a good match. It was a post on this site that sent me to the getting better site that crystalized it; and no I don't take what Shari says as gospel.) I can only imagine how hard it would be, how lost I would feel if I hadn't. I probably would have pestered her at least some, to find out what was going wrong.


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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Hello Kylo,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Is you wife seeking help for her issues? Has she been officially diagnosed?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Kylo Offline OP
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Thanks, Cristy. I don't know if there has been a diagnosis of anything. We went to two discernment counseling sessions, and the only purpose to those is to determine if you want to stay in the marriage or not. She decided not. She has been seeing a counselor every week. I have no idea what is going on because she doesn't tell me and I don't ask.

I will say she saw this counselor before discernment counseling, and I asked her what he said. She said "he thinks we should divorce" Wow! What a counselor! I got a kick out of that. She went to see this counselor a few years ago to figure out how to deal with her mother (extremely self-centered, or at least that's what the wife's stories relate. My wife would always come home with a "Can you believe she said this!" story. And yes, I can believe it. It was the same thing every time. I didn't know why she let it bother her so much when it was so predictable, but she would act like it was a shocker every time), and her brother (manic depressive, has been admitted to psych hospital before and has done some messed up stuff when he gets upset).
So she


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Kylo Offline OP
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... continued

So she goes to see this counselor, and I'm thinking he will give her ideas on how to repair the relationships as best as possible, since they were family and that means something. I knew that her mom would ask her to call or visit more often and she never would. So he gives here advice on how to limit contact with them, and set boundaries. I can see that, but wouldn't you try a few things first? OK, maybe not, BUT WITH A MARRIAGE? "You should get a divorce" did he forget there were two kids involved? I said maybe we should see the guy. She said that the counselor said it was a bad idea. I called him and he left a message that he would be willing to see me... Anyway, I want to keep reading and learning before I hit counseling. I want to know what to ask.


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Originally Posted By: Kylo
BUT WITH A MARRIAGE? "You should get a divorce" did he forget there were two kids involved?

Unfortunately not all counselors are marriage friendly.

I found them to be a waste of time and money.

You will get better advice here and your time will be better spent.

DB101 = DO what works - 180 what does not.


Me-70, D37,S36
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