Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
25, Thank you so much for going through everything! I will try to address everything in coming replies.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Sorry you are here, SWH, truly. AND I'm sorry for the length of this post but I took yours and tried to go point by point...

I really appreciate your candor in the marital situation b/c it makes it a lot easier for us to respond accordingly. You'd be surprised how many people just cannot be honest even when they are fighting the battle for their marriage and asking for help.

Good on you.


Thanks! I know that haven't treated my wife as I should and I've been going through quite a lot of shame and guilt because of it. No reason not to be completely honest.


[quote=SwHubby]Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born.

while I fully concede that ^^ being a factor in your marital problems, the rest of your post reveals that her depression might have been increased for situational reasons. Make sense?


Absolutely.

She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me like a hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.


I don't see this^^^ as a marital issue at this point. Being the best dad you can be and showing your w that you CAN care for your d just fine, is key to you getting partial custody AND it's attractive to every mother to see her child lovingly interacting with the father of that child.


I agree. I love spending time with D and caring for her. I really hope it will work out and that my wife will be able to see changes, but I'm also scared and have regular thoughts that it won't matter. I love my W&D and wish I could have done so much differently. On the other hand, I don't know if I could have seen it "in the moment" back then, as I have been in really dark places.


Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance.

I assume you can see that this ^^^ would greatly affect a spouse, too. It wears on them, especially if they are working and doing most of the childcare.


Of course, I understand that a lot of resentment has been building up over time. And since both of us are afraid of conflict, basically never had a fight and has problems discussing heavy subjects and emotions, resentments tends to grow. It weren't a problem for the first 5-7 years, since everything was fine (more or less).
I wish I could change it now, take it back. But I can't.


I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just sit there and stare out the window without thinking of anything. I rested a lot.


No offense SWH, but can you see how your Wife could re-write that^^ sentence to say

"HE grew distant from me/us - and H was Just Not There For me or our d"....?

I would think your w was very lonely & tired inside the marriage. She really was doing all the heavy lifting for quite some time.


I'm not trying to bash you when you are down, but I am Not mystified by your w's actions.

Does what I'm saying here^^, make sense?




I don't see it that way, I really appreciate your help.

Absolutely, I think that I would have seen it coming if I had been watching it from the outside instead of being a part of it. I definitely weren't there for them. I was busy victimizing myself and feeling hopelessness on my own.



We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.


same as before, she could write that YOU withdrew from her and she has not had intimacy for the past year, etc.

Can you see things from her perspective?


Did either of you ever address any of these many many red flags by talking about them, (fighting about them), seeing a counselor or doctor together?

What is the reason you finally sought treatment?


We did not really talk about it. Now, I think my wife tried to. Mostly by nagging and criticizing me. At least that is what I felt it was. So I withdrew from the sitch when I felt under attack. Yes, I can absolutely see that she felt lonely in our MR.

With treatment, do you mean burnout/depression? I had treatment from the beginning, with different doctors and different treatments during this period. However, the recovery has been so slow. I felt that things shifted with a new doctor as well as therapist. Also, my perspective changed and I started demanding assistance from my employer (required in law in my country) as well as changing how I viewed myself regarding career etc.

My wife hasn't met my therapist or doctor.



She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously.

how'd you guys get by financially while she was on leave and you were not working?


Sickness benefit, both managed by the state as well as private insurance. I have also been working part time for a long time. Finance hasn't been an issue, at least since she started working.

Before that, with me receiving benefits and my wife taking care of our child, we had to touch savings a little bit for a couple of months.


She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes.

But she has been working too much for a long time.



So, do you think she perhaps blamed you for any of this?? Burning out and seeing you not well for a prolonged time -that changes the marital dynamic.

Did you discuss her working less and if so, how'd that go?

Despite what some feminists friends will say, most women don't enjoy earning more than their h's unless he's a great stay at home dad who fully picks up the slack.

And Even then, it takes a very secure man to handle it.


Yes, I think that she did that. She was supposed to work part time according to employee agreement, but worked a lot of extra time.



During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.

how did discussions about this^^^ go for you? What did you Do to ease her burden?


She didn't want to talk about it, since she "wasn't the one being ill" and snapped when I tried to bring it up.
I didn't help much, to be honest. I tried to take care of more things at home, but had problems keeping it up in the long run.



I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring, when W could work less.


So there was some "deferred work" on the marriage and yet worrying about "when she could work less".

I'm sorry SWH.

Please, you have to understand that this^^ sounds like a guy letting his w do all the heavy lifting financially and maritally and parentally for 3+ years, all while "planning" to do something about it to help out, later...that is too much for most women.

She must have loved you very much.


Oh and did you inform your wife of these plans? I mean, How would she know that she could shoulder LESS in the future?



I certainly agree that I checked out for these years. Financially, I still brought most of the money back to the household since I was working part time and the job is well paid. But maritally and parentally, I couldn't find the energy to manage.

I started talking to her a little bit, but think it was too late by then.




That is also my I sent her away for a week to the sun on holiday (see last post) even though I could not follow due to work.


when you say you "sent her away", does this mean you forced her go somewhere or you paid for her to take a desirable trip out of family funds

or you arranged a family vacation that you could not then join her with, or what?

[color:#FF0000]Language barrier. I didn't have enough vacation days to travel with them because of family trips planned in the future that I needed to save my days for. My wife wanted to go away somewhere sunny but wasn't sure that we could afford it (maybe feeling guilty as well since she already planned divorcing me). We had the money, no problem. So I made sure that she knew that I wanted her to take some time of work and restore her energy and paid with out family funds.




Also, how are the finances handled generally? [/color]

I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim.


well, ^^^ that's a hard thing for a spouse to live with. Can you see that?

And You can see that it's Not her responsibility to make you feel better either, right?

[color:#FF0000]Yes. Back then when I got ill, I expected her to help me and felt abandoned since she didn't. I think it was because of all the times I helped her previously. Anyway, she had her hands full back then with our D, household and so on and the only one responsible for myself is me.



I'm asking, not saying snarky things. I want to know what realizations you have about your behavior as a partner and co-parent.

Because it just sounds like Her needs have gone unmet for a long time, and in some ways, this would have been very clear.

I mean, it's not as if her needs were rare. Nearly everyone would have a hard time being around your conditions (not blaming you for them, but it feels like you took a long time to address them much).

You described yourself as having been a hopeless guy who needs to be in the dark (what does sensitive to light manifest as, if not dark or dimly lit places) and who rests a lot, who didn't connect with his wife or others, stared vacantly even while present, and in sum, a guy who just does not pull his weight.

GOOD NEWS for you is that Your job now is pretty straight forward.

Show changes in these^^^ conditions.

Not just to get her back. With these types of health/emotional issues I'd think YOU would want to change b/c you have been in a dark depressive funk for some time.

I know your w's choices have hurt you. I get that big time. But I think maybe you needed the wake up call

or you might have gone on the rest of your life in some twilight zone, not really living.

[/color]



Yes, I feel that this nuke hitting me has giving me a lot of energy and perspective. I really want to change for myself, as well as my D. And W. I understand that W has been lonely for a long time.

Well, I believe that it has taken me quite some time to get better but that recovery from severe burnout usually takes a lot of time. I've been on meds, seen doctors and therapists from the beginning but it is during the past year that I have been feeling better. However, that resulted in me speeding up the process too much to get back to my old career right away which led to a "mini-crash" 6 months ago. It took a few months to recover fully from and be back on track again. I wish I knew back then what I know today. I was just happy to feel better, more energy, starting to take more initiative and action.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
PART 2


However, I started to feel better about myself. Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others),

not sure this^^ helps you much in the situation, b/c now it's all about helping your w see your improvement from what was, to what IS. (Not vague promises to get better later.
Make sense?


Yes.

booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, \

are YOU GAL? How difficult is it to find activities? What do you mean by "trying" to find them?


This was previously while we still lived together. I tried to bring us closer again, but it was to late for that.
About GAL now when I live alone (and has D certain days):

- Exercising every day
- Reading more fiction
- Working with the house, in the yard (until ownership changes in Aug).
- Spent time in shops to upgrade my wardrobe and I make sure that I get haircuts regularly.
- Been hanging out with some guys from work as well as my neighbors.

I wish that I could socialize more though. Will try to set up play dates with D to meet more ppl in my age. My social network (IRL) is on the other side of our country and haven't been getting a lot of new friends the past few years.


discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.



Then Do more (for yourself, which paradoxically, makes you more appealing to her).

Here is the "math" of it:

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in


This was when we were still together, I do more now but understand that it will take TIME for them to be noticed and believed to be consistent. I think your formula is great, but it's hard since it requires a lot of patience and faith.

The only thing I can do and take action about that regards both me and W is divorce matters. It is hard to know whether I should do more when it means speeding the divorce further up or if I should slow things down. W don't want to talk to me (except for schudule regarding D or divorce actions). Right now the house has been sold and we bought an apartment each. Divorce cannot be fully finalized until late Nov. Until then we need to divide stuff from the house since we are both moving within a couple of weeks. We also need to make an agreement regarding dividing our assets.

I also try to have fun with D as well as taking responsibility for doctor's appointments, buying clothes etc and showing W that I can be a great dad.



W issues:
- She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.


Well, You did describe life that way, for some time.

Again, you need to show her the new you. If she's been asking for you to get help or change or help her more, for a long time, then it's going to take longer for you to prove yourself to be a husband only a fool would leave.

Show her the new you OR the restored you, etc.


Yes.

- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness.
- She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness).

How can you reassure her that it's not true, now?


see below


- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.


and maybe she has a point.

Regardless, your course of action remains the same.

Change for YOU
(b/c it cannot be good to be in your shoes for the rest of your life)





- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.




And you say it's been "improved over time", which means what? That it is "somewhat addressed" now.

Are you still trying to get to a point where you two can discuss anything emotional?

What were you like before this ailment befell you?


I've been working on my issues in therapy, and can talk about emotions more now than before. However, I am still insecure when it comes to emotions. I've always stayed in the rational side of the brain and it is hard to face emotions rather than rationalize the situation and the emotions instead.



- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part.
- She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years.



From your very honest description, there is validity to these^^ issues.

What are you doing about them?


Trying to GAL and meet ppl. Get things done. Has been managing almost everything regarding our house sale together with our real estate agent.

About taking her for granted: She doesn't want to have me anywhere near her or do anything for her. It also contradicts LRT which makes it hard to make a 180 about it. I really don't know how to show this given the current sitch.

- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff.

or maybe she resents it. Maybe it would be better to help her feel some joy in a deserved gift by sharing in the selection, and or complimenting the choice.

I'm just saying this^^ b/c - I'm not picking up a "guilt" vibe from her, so much as disappointment and resentment on her end, like you are a killjoy of sorts.

But I don't know her obviously


I think you are right. There are a lot of resentment... I just don't know how to deal with it.


-
- One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with.

I think you wrote that You were not able to be intimate, or you lost interest in it for some time...

Anyhow, did you two fight or talk about it?

[color:#FF0000]Yes, I stopped trying to get intimate some time before I got ill. I just got sad about being pushed away. I never addressed it, since I didnät want to make her feel guilty. So I kept it inside.


Women need emotional support to be in the mood, and that's why we are not particularly receptive to ML after a fight, or after being disappointed in our spouses. [/color]

She wants to be shown by actions that she is important,



Just going out on a limb here, but every woman wants to be shown and feel important to her h. We want to be shown that we/the marriage/family are THE priority to our h's.

What were you like when she first met & fell in love with you?

What would it take to get back to that guy?



Well, I was crazy about her and prioritized her in every situation. Always wanted to do things for her. I was very supportive. I was also more confident and social. To get him back, I would need to keep on recovering as well as getting more confident and social.

When analyzing what I've been writing and your answers, its quite clear what the underlying message is. She has been living with someone that's been sucking the life out of her. Previously, I was the one giving her life since she always were the one depressed and needed support. That 180 is not that great... And she cannot see a future with me in which she is happy.






H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1

You wrote this about who you were when she first met you:


Well, I was crazy about her and prioritized her in every situation. Always wanted to do things for her. I was very supportive. I was also more confident and social. To get him back, I would need to keep on recovering as well as getting more confident and social.

When analyzing what I've been writing and your answers, its quite clear what the underlying message is.

She has been living with someone that's been sucking the life out of her.

Previously, I was the one giving her life since she always were the one depressed and needed support. That 180 is not that great... And she cannot see a future with me in which she is happy.


Okay, fair enough. I can imagine how this^^ realization makes you feel. FYI, most of us here - if we have been truly honest and dug deep - have been brought to our knees with some brutal realities.

While it's crucial to learn from our mistakes, we also have to be in the present, changing our future b/c we are in charge of that.

You have to set yourself up for success --Stay in adult roles to function b/c your spouses and children deserve it, need it, and b/c it's the right healthy thing to do---

Stay well. You want your wife/daughter to be able to depend on you and

***THEY NEED THAT FROM YOU. It's pretty much a dealmaker/dealbreaker.

SWH,
I sense you are implying you have no control over your health or mental stability.

Maybe ^^^ that is true. Maybe at any point you'll suddenly feel too sad to function and too tired to help your w or to be present for your d or family or to hold a job.

But as long as you have that^^^ belief, you'll have to ask yourself -
how fair is it to your wife (or child) to be unreliable as a partner/parent

or to expose them to periodic bouts of you becoming dark, dependent and dysfunctional.

Your d needs 2 parents and your w needs a partner/co-parent. That's self evident and fair.

Thing is, from the way you write and show insight and compassion,

I believe you can & should take charge of your health. I believe you can be the man you were meant to become.


Your task is to set yourself up for success. Not saying you "Hope it gets better" or "Hope you stay healthy" or "IF IF IF you're well enough../recovery takes a LONG time..."

Do what it takes to show up for your family now, starting by being the best dad you can become. By faking it till you make it

(See Amy Cuddy's youtube video on positive thinking and Sean Achors Positive psychology - they have real data that shows how "external behaviors" can affect you internally and so instead of trying/hoping to feel better and then behaving better, you can do "outside in". The videos are only about 20 minutes and can change your life).

Anyhow, this is all about what helps you function the most. It's about becoming the man you were meant to become, the man your family deserves, to live your life fully in all your relationships.


Keep at this. Stay brave, dig deep, have faith.





M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Thanks 25,

Well, it is really hard to look back at the past years. And some of it is pretty blurry. It's very hard to imagine that it has been almost 3 years now.

Yes, I need to be consistent about my changes in order to be dependable. Something that I know has been a problem.

I think that I can control myself and my illness, something that I haven't believed in the past. However, it is hard and easy to slip up. But I have been feeling better for a longer time period now. But the depression held me back.

The videos were inspiring, thank you! I have been thinking about my posture lately. It has gone from a pretty good posture to a sack of potatoes during the past years and I want to improve it. But also hearing that it could have an psychological effect on top of how other ppl experience me, makes me want to improve it even more. When I was in university, and later in the start of my career, I did try to "fake it till you make it/become it" when it came to posture/confidence etc, and it really worked back then. And I totally get the part about "success does not lead to happiness, the goals are merely increased". No matter how great my accomplishments were in Univerisity/work and grades/awards/promotions I got, I always demanded more of myself.

And I really want to become that man again, the driven man full of happiness, ambition and energy that I used to be. But maybe with less ambition and more happiness/confidence/calm.


Thank you for your help 25, I really appreciate it!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Been alone for the weekend, had a hard time GALing. Cleaned the house, exercised (run) and a couple of walks. The plan for today is to finalize a proposal to W about dividing stuff since she is moving soon. Started to contact friends again (haven't for the past week) and will meet a couple of them in next week.

I have also taken measures in the past weeks to always look as good and well as possible: buying some new clothes, new haircut, new cologne (haven't used any for some time now), 2 pairs of new shoes, a new jacket. I have been waiting to make upgrades to my wardrobe for quite some time now.
During the time I didn't feel well, I let my appearance slip: avoided buying new clothes, didn't make reservations at hairdresser in time, didn't take showers on a daily basis if I was home alone etc. Previously, I was meticulous about dress codes and making a good first impression. Mostly for work (professional services) but also in my personal life.

My wife still do not want to contact me unless there is something important to discuss, like dividing stuff since she's moving into her new apartment in about a week or dropping of D. Otherwise it is radiosilence. I am keeping my distance and hasn't reached out at all: only responds when she initiates communication. And the communication we do have is pretty awkward, my W wants to leave as quickly as possible when dropping of D as an example. But at least she's not openly hostile at the moment.
When I see her, one part of me wants to yell at her and the other one wants to kiss her. But I am keeping it cool, just making a little bit of small talk and try to feel and look "fine".

Still giving D as much love as I possibly can when I see her, and coming up with activities for us to do. Going to parks/playgrounds, picnics, travel to nearby city by train etc.

Well, time to start with the objectives for the day!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Discussed practical stuff with W yesterday evening, since she's about to move into her new apartment next week. That went fine.

Then I asked her why she never responded to any of my suggestions that D could start sleeping at my place. My W told me that she was annoyed with me asking, that we had a verbal agreement, besides the written one (from the time we argued so heavily about our D in the beginning of BD/D) that:

1) I am going to get declared 100% healthy by doctor
2) Then one year should pass without any setbacks/symptoms of burnout. If so,
3) D is allowed to spend 1 night with me. And possibly more.

Wtf! Do not have any memory of such a deal. However, a lot of things were discussed during these days that I cannot remember everything we said to each other. I am getting nervous about what I really agreed upon with her. Or what she thinks we agreed upon. However, contacted the court some time ago about the possibility to dismiss our first agreement, and that communication will be sent to her. So a **** storm is coming eventually...

This makes me really sad. I thought that she would start softening since I am showens each time I am with D that i am perfectly fine taking care of her. Guess she cannot see that. I just want to help my W to get happy...


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Update - W moved into her apartment last week with D. I will move this weekend and next week we will leave the keys to our house to the new owners.

Been doing a little bit of GAL the past few weeks. Seeing friends for coffee, been continuing my excercise with running and going for walks. Been having fun with D, going to playgrounds, went on day trips to a nearby city twice, visited a collegue who has a farm with a variety of animals. Also just had a good time at the house. Baked cupcakes together which was a first for me, cooked together, read books etc. It has been great!

W does not show any signs of interest in talking to me other than practical things about our daughter, dividing assets and making sure we are ready to leave our house to the new owners. However, this week she actually asked me how I was. I replied fine and asked her as well. She answered fine.

I have been asking her a few questions during e past weeks about her work after being back after vacation and their new apartment. Nothing detailed, just normal conversation. Received answers, fine and fine. We only meet when we exchange our D. It is frustrating but I know that I cannot expect anything else than this. And I cannot expect W to act warmer towards me.

Been missing W a lot the past few days, more than usual. Found a lot of pictures of us when I packed the last stuff in our house which triggered a lot of memories and feelings. I continued to look at old pics of me and her at Facebook. She does not update facebook that often so I cannot follow what she is doing. I guess this is a good thing though.

Cannot see at the moment how we could possibly reconcile in the future. W seems set on seeing this through. I have no idea if there is someone else, but i do not think so. But at this point it does not really matter since we are seperated, W considers us over and that D being final is just a formality. I cannot do much more than moving on with my life, building a new home, continuing with GAL and excercise as well as being the best possible man and dad I can be. I still have a little bit of hope but know that it would take an enormous amount of patience to get to a point were we are warming up to each other. In the current pace, probably years.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
SwH, sorry to hear you're going through this. Sounds like my W, trying to push things through and be done as soon as possible.

At this point I recommend you close the door on your M and start planning your future without your W. Work on yourself and your plan for being with D4. Be strong!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Thanks Holding,

I know that would be the best in this sitch but it is really hard to close the door when we have a child together and see each other several times each week. But it feels like I am getting there gradually. It has been more than 3 months since BD and W moved out to her parents now. I think that moving to new home and making it my own (and D) will give me new energy.

Being strong is hard but I am at least no longer that mess I was around BD.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Page 4 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard