Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Congrats on the race. I know a few people who ran it. it was broken down in different distances, right? My friend and her H did the half. I was thinking about attempting it next year.

The fear of widening the gap is there for everyone. making decisions with your best interest at heart does not do that. It helps you create your own happiness.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Thanks Ginger! Yes, the Half is a lofty goal of mine. Maybe next year. I ran the 8K (5 miles) and they also have a 5K the day before. My immediate goal is a 10K, so only 1.2 more miles. That shouldn't be hard. But I need a race deadline as a motivator!

It really was a blast and nice tease for the summer. The kids and I will spend a week there in August. W has no plans to join us, which [censored], but making my plans now without her in mind helps prepare me to enjoy it when it comes.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
I've only done 5k's, so an 8k would be a lofty goal of mine. I've got a bad foot.

I was in point pleasant this weekend with my kiddo and some friends. Beautiful weather.

My ex and I split when our daughter was infant. We never had family vacations. I took my D9 when she was 8 to Disney on my own. It was the best vacation ever. Just us, not having to deal with anyone else...... it was just wonderful.

I take her away either on my own, with my dad and his wife, or with friends. There is no stress in it. This might sound kind of mean, but having this vacation without her and just the kids will be much better than if she were to come. You are actually going to enjoy it more. you may long for the OLD wife, but you don't want this one there. Trust me on this one.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Thanks Ginger. That makes a lot of sense. I do get a sense of calm when I know it's just me and my kids. I get to make all the parenting decisions without any debates.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
So I'm coming up to a year since the initial BD (EA/PA for 5 months)

Here's where I am today...

-My W and I are becoming more and more disconnected.

-Her fog is getting thicker.

-I am becoming more critical of her selfish actions.

-My trust level is zero. She is still very secretive about who she spends time with.

-She clearly has an OM that she sees regularly.

-I am growing resentful of all the things she has said and done over the past year.

-As I continue to GAL, strengthening physically and emotionally, and placing my kids at the top of my priority list, I am starting to lose respect for her because she's not doing the same.

-I'm starting to fall out of love with her. She's a completely different person than the woman I married. And she hasn't changed for the better.

-I'm no longer fantasizing about being with her physically.

-I look forward to the times when she isn't around, and I'm starting to latch on to the positive aspects of a life without her in it.

For those of you who have reconciled and those who continue to stand for your marriage alone, have you gone through this? How do you cope with it?


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Of course Chris. I am about 18 months from this bomb drop and feel quite the same way. I kicked mine out in Oct (though he clearly was wanting me to be the bad guy and do it). I have reached the point where I really don't care. I'd like to resolve the financial part. I don't care about divorce and he is not going to try to take my kids, so that is not an issue.

You may feel better when the nesting begins. I know that not living with him and sped up my healing and my ability to move on in my own life.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Chris,

I just caught up. We came here at the same time to support one another and you helped me a lot. The sadness and anger cycling sounds like a healthy mourning of the death of your m which you loved and tried very hard to save. You are on your own path now, not of your choosing, but it is all yours. Are you getting he help and support you need from friends and family and professionally, if needed? You've been taking care of w so long...now you've got to take care of you...and the kids.

Have you told the kids? How did that go? I also want to be honest with my kids if I ever had that discussion but don't know how to do so.

How are the new living arrangements?

Did you finalize the separation agreement?

What are your next steps from here?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
I just read your entire story. Thank you. It's sad that so many of us are here. But it is comforting to know that we are all good thru the same emotions and feelings. Last week I was feeling great in my life. Then by the end of the week I slid down into my anger and got upset at myself because of the backslide. Just when I thought I was making progress. I pushed my WH for an answer and he said no he was absolutely not coming back home. He was tired of my crap. Lol oh if he only looked at himself for once. Anyways it helped me see there is life on the other side of this and to just keep moving forward in my own life.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Originally Posted By: Gordie
I just caught up...

Are you getting the help and support you need from friends and family and professionally if needed?

Have you told the kids? How did that go?

How are the new living arrangements?

Did you finalize the separation agreement?

What are your next steps from here?

Hi Gordie (and everyone else on the board). It's been a little over 2 months since I posted here. A lot has changed in those two months, but unfortunately not for the better.

Physical separation started on 6/12. We are taking turns sleeping in the house. Initially we proposed renting an apartment for the times when either of us are not in the house, but this proved to be cost prohibitive (and frankly I didn't like the idea of us sharing TWO different places). So instead I'm staying at my mom's and my W claims to be staying with a female friend. The frequency is generally fair. We have the same amount of time at home with the kids over a two week period. But what isn't really fair to me is the added hassle of living out of duffle bag with personal items in two places. I'm sucking it up for sake of a less traumatic transition with the kids, but I can't see this arrangement lasting more than a few months.

We sat down exclusively with S8 (per the recommendation of the M&F therapist) to explain the situation. W was very aloof about the entire process and fully expected that we would just "wing it" when we talked to him. I, on the other hand, insisted on hashing out the details with the therapist (when do we tell him? where/how do we sit? how to we begin the conversation? who talks first? how do we answer his questions?) which took two sessions. He took the news as well as could have been expected. He's very mature and level-headed, so there was no rage or anger. Just some sadness in his eyes.

To date, we haven't talked to D5 about it. She seems to understand that mom and dad aren't always home every day. But the therapist advised that we let her adapt to the new arrangement and watch her behavior before preemptively giving her bad news to deal with. Can't say I totally agree with this decision, but that's probably because I'm angry and I want my W to take some responsibility for her decision.

Finances have been separated and we're working together to pay off our shared debts. A few months ago, after a lot of spewing, my W insisted that she would only agree to this swapping arrangement if we were "actively working on the divorce mediation." To date, nothing has been discussed. I don't think my W realized how busy summer with two kids can be.

Last week, the M&F therapist met with S8 to talk to him one on one. The result was exactly what I expected. S8 wants more time with me and wants more family time (all 4 of us). I can tell that he's upset about the situation. But so far I have not seen any major change in his behavior.

W and I have had a few dramatic moments since the separation but for the most part, things have been cordial. She's been surprisingly accommodating in some situations where she's volunteered extra nights for me to be home with the kids. I suspect that this may be partly because she really doesn't want to live in our house anymore. But whatever the reason I am more than happy to accept.

My side of the family has been very supportive. Offering emotional and financial help when I need it. I even heard from a couple people on her side of the family who called to see if I was ok and say how sorry they are. I don't press them for information, but the general feeling is that my W isn't saying much to anyone on her side. She basically just tells them that she doesn't want to be married anymore. Perhaps the rest of the details are reserved for her girlfriends and OM, but who knows.

Personally I have good and bad days. The stress of the living arrangement gets to me sometimes, but I'm enjoying my free time and the freedom to do what I want when I'm home. I've taken a pro-active approach to fixing up the house (organizing, repairs, landscape) and I recently turned my office into a meditation space and a vinyl listening room. Setting up the turntable with new speakers was something on my wish-list for a few years now, so I'm psyched that it finally came together.

In moving forward with the assumption that the marriage will not reconcile I've set my ambition on keeping the house. My W would prefer to sell it. She has told me many times how much she hates living there and that she never wanted to buy our house (history rewriting, of course). But my initial research into our situation gives me hope that I will be able to buy her out of her share. I'm not looking to screw her out of money but I think it would be good for the kids to continue to have some stability if/when the divorce progresses. I would live there full time and the kids would live there 50% of the time. Seems like the next logical step anyway. We'll lose money on the house if we sell it, and considering the amount of time and money needed to get the house market ready, selling it isn't realistic right now.

So I really don't know where things are headed next. I spent the last year of my life trying to reconcile my marriage single-handedly. And now that I'm not trying anymore the anger and resentment have taken center stage. I look at my W these days and I don't see anything that I like anymore. She's always been physically beautiful, but she's not attractive to me anymore. Emotionally we're completely disconnected. There have been numerous times in the past two months when I wanted to tell her about things going on in my life (apart from the marriage). Major things like some of the mini-breakthroughs I'm having in therapy, and minor things like my crappy day at work. But I don't share any of that with her now.

So it's all very confusing. As of today I don't really know if I want to reconcile with her. And if I did want to, would it be for the right reasons? Could we ever reconnect and build a relationship better and stronger than the one that failed? Could I ever trust her again? When I try to answer these questions I get stuck because saying "yes" seems a bit delusional, but saying "no" makes me feel like I'm giving up, giving in, and telling her without words that she was right all along.

I want to be able to support my W as she continues down her path. She has a lot of mirror work to do and it's going to be really hard for her when she finally stops distracting herself from the real issues in her life. I've been reading about agape love and often return to the lighthouse story on this board for inspiration. A few months ago I started writing an apology letter, but my anger got the better of me and I never finished it. I should probably do that.

Been listening to a lot of Grateful Dead lately. It's surprising how easily their music can lift me out of my funk. The lyrics to the song Comes a Time are particularly apropos for me right now. So I'll finish my post with them:

Comes a time when the blind man takes your hand, says
"Don't you see? Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can`t see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
C
Chris73 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
Just bumping this because it's lengthy update that I was hoping to get some comments on.

I'm saddened by how far down my thread has dropped in the Newcomers section in just 2 days. There are a lot of people hurting on here.:(


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard