W and D went for a 2 week vacation with her family and will be back next weekend. I had a short videocall with D yesterday. Really miss her...
I'm working this week and will go for one week abroad by myself on Saturday. Will just go for some sight-seeing, enjoy the city and read DR (and other books) in some park (probably Hyde). Will be home the day before D comes home. I will try to find GAL-activities during the summer. Perhaps visit some friends and family and go to a concert or two.
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
Is there really a chance for us? I think I blew it big time when I challenged her regarding custody and so on regarding our D. She was cold but tried to get an amicable divorce before that, as long as she got full custody etc.
Based on my story, what do you think should be my next move? le for us. I've seen on the board that it's not an uncommon belief.
Hello SwHubby,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
You are not going to get your family back by agreeing with everything your W suggests and demands. What does your L say about the custody arrangement?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
In my heart, I still want and hope for a reconciliation but I understand that it won’t happen soon. My wife is really hurt and unhappy I cannot see how she could come back to me at the moment. I also do not know if I really want her back right now. At least not the alien that has taken over my W.
Usually the "alien" comments are regarding MLC, and based on your post I think your W is a WAW and not MLC. There were clearly some big problems in the M. It's unfortunate that she chose to leave instead of trying to work on things, but the same could be said for most of us here.
Quote:
Now I try to find out things for GAL. It’s hard since all my close friends live elsewhere (moved here to be close to W family). However, I try to make friends in my town as well at work. Met some guys for pool as well as board games. I also exercise daily. I either go for a run or a powerwalk, depending on how the body feels. Updating my wardrobe, make sure I get a nice haircut as well.
Great, keep it up!
Quote:
Is there really a chance for us? I think I blew it big time when I challenged her regarding custody and so on regarding our D. She was cold but tried to get an amicable divorce before that, as long as she got full custody etc.
Yes there's a chance, and no I do not think you blew it trying to get custody of your D. I don't know if you're disabled to the point that it interferes with you taking care of D4, but assuming you're not then it's not at all unreasonable to expect more then just a daily visitation now and then. Honestly if it were me I would have fought my W to the bitter end for at least 50% visitation, but thankfully my W didn't dispute it.
Quote:
Based on my story, what do you think should be my next move?
Custody dispute aside, keep working on yourself. Try to regain as much of your health as you can. Eat right, get in the best shape possible, do things to create and maintain a positive outlook. Give your W time and space. You don't have to be in her face all the time for her to see your changes. It sounds like a lot of her concerns were over your health and her thinking you would never do anything to change it, so if you can do a 180 there then that'll go a long way towards convincing her she was wrong.
Quote:
How bad was the idea to sell the house? W pushed hard for a sale and I could not really keep the house by myself. We would have been selling it first thing after summer otherwise. However, I am still living in the house until the middle of Aug when the ownership formally changes.
It just seems like things are moving extremely fast. That's really pretty unusual. I'm not sure what your role has been in all of that, but in general don't help her push through the D. If she requests something of you then do provide it, but don't push it through yourself. Do protect yourself though, do not fall into the trap of thinking you should sign whatever she hands you to placate her. It may have the opposite effect, she may see you as wimpy and unable to stand up for yourself.
Quote:
This has been an emotional rollercoaster for sure, especially during the first 2 weeks after BD. I have never really thought that a divorce could be possible for us. I've seen on the board that it's not an uncommon belief.
Yes BD comes as a shock to pretty much all of us. Rarely is any LBS of the opinion that the M was perfect, but what M is? Most of us think we and our spouse are both dealing with the difficulties of life and M, we don't realize that in fact our spouse is NOT dealing with it. They're internalizing it and are a bomb waiting to go off.
Well, I got a lawyer on my own AFTER signing the documents. Big mistake... However, talked to a lawyer afterwards, and the agreement can still be challenged (the part about custody). So contacted the court this week and I'm working to make it happen. If I can withdraw that part from the divorce papers, we're back to square one trying to agree upon this together.
Well, I heard the same comments about myself from friends and family, "stand up for yourself and your girl" etc. Know that I suffer partially from NGS.
Going forward now regarding custody by: 1. annulation of custody agreement 2. Try to reason with W about gradually increasing time with D. This would be the best as long as 50% is the goal, but I think that it won't be possible. 3. If not, the government offers free mediation where a valid agreement can be signed. 4. Court...
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
I can see how the alien comment usually is used for MLC. I agree that I probably have a WAW, feel that the description is spot on in almost everything. I guess it's the uncharacteristic coldness and anger and the search for negative things about me that I feel is so out of character. A discussion could have me say "I agree with you" and her responding "WHAT, do you not agree with me!".... But I understand that it's not unusual.
But she does't do crazy things that is totally out of character for sure (like MLC-style).
About my health: Well, my doctor as well as both my therapists are quite amazed about how W can see me as someone totally disabled. I think that she has an absolute negative view about the illness. Since my wife has taken care of our D more than me and in order to prove that I am capable of taking care of D, I would be totally fine with giving her some time when I would increase visitation gradually until 50%.
I'm having a hard time keeping the meaning of legal words apart (not native English speaking) but in our earlier discussions I managed in the end to get shared custody but with less visitation instead. Think that would be the correct description of the stich.
Yes, I guess that you are correct: my health is the large issue to deal with. And even if I cannot get 100% healthy, I CAN get better and I CAN FOR SURE change the way i view myself and my illness. Always had high expectations of myself before and were a high-achiever. I think that my sitch made me really depressed for a long time.
I have not been pushing for the D (at least intentionally), but I think W planned this for a long time and knew exactly what to do when the bomb dropped, like she had an action list to finish as quickly as possible.
I agree that I need to make sure that I don't come across as wimpy.
Again, thanks!
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
I'm trying to fight the loneliness and pain today, walking around in our house... Spoke to D this morning for a few minutes, videocall. Feels alot worser when W and D are not even in the same country and have not been around for the entire week, and will not get back for another week.
Will however have to start packing for my own trip tonight soon. Hopefully I will be able to GAL alot this week (London). Been planning alot of activities so it's up to me to execute them now.
But feels like my heart is trying to make it's way straight out of my chest at the moment...
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
Have been on vacation by myself this week. Done a lot of walking, sightseeing, eating. Also been shopping a little bit for D and seen 2 musicals (usually do not do either of it) and had a great time overall. Been journaling every day, and also writing down thoughts of our M, what to do going forward, about my illness etc.
Been trying to get rest/relaxation/meditation daily and it worked ok. I have been really tired at times, especially when I have visited museums (lots of ppl and noise). Then I've been trying to find a café or something similar to sit and journal or just closing my eyes for minute. I have been eager to get going and start the day every day which means a lot to me.
I have felt lonely of course on occasion, but not all the time. Thought about NC this week and wait to contact D until Sunday when she will be with me. However, my wife broke that today to ask about a major accident in my hometown hoping that I did not know anyone injured. I thanked her for caring and telling her i did not know anyone considering what I knew at that moment. Think I had a more caring tone than hers that were more business-like. Was this wrong of me or am I just over-analyzing?
I will write soon again!
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
I have felt lonely of course on occasion, but not all the time. Thought about NC this week and wait to contact D until Sunday when she will be with me. However, my wife broke that today to ask about a major accident in my hometown hoping that I did not know anyone injured. I thanked her for caring and telling her i did not know anyone considering what I knew at that moment. Think I had a more caring tone than hers that were more business-like. Was this wrong of me or am I just over-analyzing?
I will write soon again!
Hello SwHubby,
Yes, you are over analyzing.
Focus less on what she is doing/thinking and more on yourself.
Glad you are having a nice trip- excellent GAL!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I guess it's the uncharacteristic coldness and anger and the search for negative things about me that I feel is so out of character. A discussion could have me say "I agree with you" and her responding "WHAT, do you not agree with me!".... But I understand that it's not unusual.
Right, it's all WAS script. That's why we say give them time and distance, because anything you say will be used against you. Have you read the thread on validation? Validating is about the only thing you can do with a WAS that almost never results in a confrontation. Validating is not agreeing or disagreeing, it is simply acknowledging her feelings.
Quote:
I have not been pushing for the D (at least intentionally), but I think W planned this for a long time and knew exactly what to do when the bomb dropped, like she had an action list to finish as quickly as possible.
Yes, that is pretty typical as well. They usually have a plan in place long before BD. Take the pressure off of her and she might not feel the need to rush those plans though.
Originally Posted By: SwHubby
I have felt lonely of course on occasion, but not all the time. Thought about NC this week and wait to contact D until Sunday when she will be with me.
You can't really go NC when a kid is involved. When it comes to your D, do what you need to do to get as much exposure to her as you can.
Quote:
However, my wife broke that today to ask about a major accident in my hometown hoping that I did not know anyone injured. I thanked her for caring and telling her i did not know anyone considering what I knew at that moment. Think I had a more caring tone than hers that were more business-like. Was this wrong of me or am I just over-analyzing?
Well, giving her time and space really just means you should not contact your W. If she contacts you it's OK to respond.You didn't do anything wrong, but yeah you don't want to over-analyze these simple exchanges because they really don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
Yes...over analyzing IMO. I have two D's 8 and 6, when they are with their mom I do not contact. I trust they are well cared for and if anything was wrong the W would let me know. I do not reach out to her for anything unless it is to coordinate pick up/drop off....I am trying to give her all the space she needs. Since she moved out there has been no talk of D and this Sat will be 1 month.
