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SwHubby Offline OP
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Hi,

I have been reading this forum for some time now to learn, but never really thought about posting. However, I feel that I need support in my DB’ing since everybody close to me want me to move on.

My wife came home from a 1 week trip together with our D4 and MIL in the beginning of May. The first thing she said to me was “I want a divorce”. I was chocked and started crying, saying “no” over and over again. I could not believe that it had come to this. W asked me to move out of our house so she could live there with our D. She suggested that I moved to a nearby city (50 km) where I work and that I could get to see our D 2 days/week. The next day W and D moved out from our house temporarily to her parents to give me some time and space, since I could not think straight.

I called and texted her during the coming weekend, the usual stuff. Declared my love, pointed out how good things had been before etc. But she told me that she had enough and that there were not any chances for us getting back together. When my wife came to pick up our D the first time I had her, she told me that it was to much time for me to spend with D, that it should only be 2 hours/week and that it would be 2 weeks before I could see her next time. It made me angry, and 1 week after BD I formulated an e-mail in where I tried to make a summary of the divorce:

- That I did not want to divorce her. That I loved her and asked her to go to MC with me.
- That it might be good for us to live apart for a while.
- That I would live in our house. That she wanted to leave and also has her family living close to us.
- That D should live with us every other week which is more or less the norm in our country.
- Stated that I wanted to cooperate as much as possible with her, to make this as easy as possible for our D.

The next day I got a letter from her L telling me to move out of the house immediately or else, that W left the house with our D to avoid confrontations, that D will live with W and that we should try to find time when I can meet D. I went emotionally out of control, but at least I did not contact W right away. I spoke with W several days later, she was furious that I could even suggest that D would live with me. We talked for several times during this week, also with mediation from her parents. They said that it was over and all I could do was moving on. That me and my W could probably be friends and that we should do this as amicable as possible for our D. It ended up with me getting to see our D daytime for 2-3 days/week if I agreed to sign divorce papers stating that I agreed with the divorce and that D should live with W mostly. This was however only a temporary solution and it would increase with time.

After this fight (and also after BD as well) W had a hard time speaking to me or even look at me. I could tell that she was highly disturbed when she met me when D was dropped off between us. Ds time with me went on as planned and neither of us had any problems with it initially. W bought an apartment a short time thereafter with financial help from her parents and requested that we should sell our house asap. I was hesitant at first, but found an apartment that suited me (not much out there on the market were I live) so I bought it and started the process to sell. Everything was finalized 2 weeks ago.

W has been really cold and business-like towards me all this time, but started to ease up a tiny bit after the house was sold. I have been reading that this is not unusual since she feels less pressure.

More will follow,
SwHubby


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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SwHubby Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born. She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me like a hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.

Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance. I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just sit there and stare out the window without thinking of anything. I rested a lot. We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.
She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously. She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes. But she has been working too much for a long time. During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.
I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring, when W could work less. That is also my I sent her away for a week to the sun on holiday (see last post) even though I could not follow due to work.

I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim. However, I started to feel better about myself. Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others), booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.

W issues:
- She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.
- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness.
- She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness).
- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.
- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.
- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part.
- She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years.
- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff. However, I do not think that she is irresponsible with money and tries to reason with her about it, telling her that if it is important and if she really wants it, then of course we’ll buy it.
- One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with. She wants to be shown by actions that she is important, without her needing to tell me about it. Like giving her small gifts, doing things for her like starting the car for her in the winter morning, planning things for her/us.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born. She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me as hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.

Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work (big4, public accountant) and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance. I got better over time and has been working part-time with various amounts of hours/week. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just stare out the window for 5 minutes without thinking of anything. I rested a lot. We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.
She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously. She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes. But she has been working too much for a long time. During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.

I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring. I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim. However, I started to feel better about myself.
Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others), booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.

W issues:
- She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.
- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness.
- She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness).
- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.
- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.
- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part.
- She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years.
- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff. However, I do not think that she is irresponsible with money and tries to reason with her about it, telling her that if it is important and if she really wants it, then of course we’ll buy it.

One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with. She wants to be shown by actions that she is important, without her needing to tell me about it. Like giving her small gifts, doing things for her like starting the car for her in the winter morning, planning things for her/us.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,451
Likes: 32
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Jul 2017
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SwHubby Offline OP
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My plan:

In my heart, I still want and hope for a reconciliation but I understand that it won’t happen soon. My wife is really hurt and unhappy I cannot see how she could come back to me at the moment. I also do not know if I really want her back right now. At least not the alien that has taken over my W.

I have read a lot online and also bought DR. I’m trying to LRT now.

- I put a lot of time in to selling the house
- Getting a broker
- fixing small things around the house etc.

Now I try to find out things for GAL. It’s hard since all my close friends live elsewhere (moved here to be close to W family). However, I try to make friends in my town as well at work. Met some guys for pool as well as board games. I also exercise daily. I either go for a run or a powerwalk, depending on how the body feels. Updating my wardrobe, make sure I get a nice haircut as well.

I also confronted my father (alcoholic, denying it), learned about our family history with depression and suicides that I was never told as a child and haven't talked about since growing up either. I always knew something was wrong thought. Been going in therapy before regarding my illness. I also started seeing another one about the divorce a couple of weeks after BD.

I try to be upbeat when I see W, going out for a run as soon as she picks our D up, not asking her anything unless she starts to talk to me. Only contact her to arrange for D or practical stuff like financial issues (if I have too).

There could perhaps be another man in the background. If so, I think it would most probably be an EA.

Some questions:

Is there really a chance for us? I think I blew it big time when I challenged her regarding custody and so on regarding our D. She was cold but tried to get an amicable divorce before that, as long as she got full custody etc.

Based on my story, what do you think should be my next move?

How bad was the idea to sell the house? W pushed hard for a sale and I could not really keep the house by myself. We would have been selling it first thing after summer otherwise. However, I am still living in the house until the middle of Aug when the ownership formally changes.


This has been an emotional rollercoaster for sure, especially during the first 2 weeks after BD. I have never really thought that a divorce could be possible for us. I've seen on the board that it's not an uncommon belief.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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SwHubby Offline OP
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Posts: 71
Thanks Cadet!


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,451
Likes: 32
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Originally Posted By: SwHubby
Some questions:

Is there really a chance for us?
YES
Originally Posted By: SwHubby
Based on my story, what do you think should be my next move?

Read my first post over and over and follow the directions there


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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SwHubby Offline OP
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Posts: 71
One thing that has really bothered me and that others commented on as well is that everything must happen so quickly for her right now.

- Get a L
- moving out
- custody "discussion" (more like battle)
- sign D papers
- buy an APT
- split assets
and so on.

If I didn't know her, I would suspect an A with a work collegue for sure.

However, she told me that she more or less decided to divorce me 6 months ago and had been thinking about ut for a longer time than that. But she felt bad about leaving me since I was ill. I guess this was well-planned and that she lost it when I went against those plans in the beginning.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
S
SwHubby Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
Thanks Cadet, I know it's a marathon and that I should not believe anything she says or does. I guess it's just that you easily think that your own case is different from others. :-)

Just trying to keep on LRT-ing right now by following the rules set by Sandi2.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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