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A Message from Michele
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Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2708152
10/04/16 09:46 AM
10/04/16 09:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
Oh forgot - the book is Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2746601
06/13/17 03:35 AM
06/13/17 03:35 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
Hi there,

Ive been lurking up to just before Thanksgiving 2016 but haven't been on since then. A lot happened - my child, "C" is currently angrier, parent passed on this year, h came back into my life after funeral & is out again. I feel so stupid - don't know why I did what I did (letting him come back).

He seemed different (he started working, seemed more settled and more like his old self) and I experienced some sort of 'restlessness' (?) after death. Then he abandoned me again - & it was almost like the same thing all over again. I say "almost" because the shock wasn't as intense, but it was still 'shock'.

He got a promotion with perks and a very professional, well educated, well connected female boss, whom he likes and who could take him to great heights. A common story from what I have been coming across these days - from others and/or reading online(it seems now that he was using me until promotion was confirmed). Sometimes, I still feel hurt although I was not entirely surprised (thankfully because of what I was exposed to here on the forums).

It really seemed like he was coming out (!!) laugh of tunnel I suppose - it seemed as if he had changed with time.

I am ok frown I guess - "been there, done that" shall we say, but for some reason, he is cruel since I am so vulnerable. He's being cruel - hurting me (& I have been frustrated re unstable work).

After the grieving, trying t o get back on track, thinking that he had changed - I recently feel an intense sense of disillusionment (because i feel as though I am getting closer & closer to 'extinction' sometimes, in spite of my efforts). *Nothing seems to be working out! I think it will eventually but it hasn't been easy ... Guess he realizes how hard it is for me & is comfortable with this. I know that if I I reaped the rewards of my labour, i woudlnt feel so vulnerable, and subsequently so disillusioned.

I just needed to vent some place safe, ok? I feel so *frustrated right now - I am not experiencing success but he is. Just venting safe place safe ...


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2746604
06/13/17 03:50 AM
06/13/17 03:50 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 542
Wales
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Westo Offline
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Westo  Offline
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Posts: 542
Wales
So sorry to hear that your H did this to you again.

Thank God for this 'safe place' so we can vent smile

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: Westo] #2746612
06/13/17 04:24 AM
06/13/17 04:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Westo
So sorry to hear that your H did this to you again.

Thank God for this 'safe place' so we can vent smile


Thank you Westo smile Thats EXACTLY how I feel.
Don't know what many of us would do, when feeling burdened & not have outlets!!
Thanks again <3


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2746652
06/13/17 08:02 AM
06/13/17 08:02 AM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Hi P. Long time no hear. I don't often come around, but did today and stumbled on your post. Sorry to hear about your parent's passing on.

It's been said that betrayal and divorce is more painful than the death of a loved one. I believe that. I've lived it. But please don't beat yourself up or compare yourself to him. You did what you did because you wanted to know. You allowed him into your life and he's not changed. Just more cruel toward you.

Later, there might be a story of some sort that goes like this, "I was very mean and cruel to my exW. Her parent had just died and I used her for my own selfish reasons" but it's not too likely. What's more likely is a story like this, "My exH used me. He was very cruel and it took me a long time and many attempts to learn that lesson. I finally gave myself the gift of freedom from him and anything he might do in my life and have been immensely happier for it."

Peace,
AJM


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: AJM] #2746664
06/13/17 08:25 AM
06/13/17 08:25 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,751
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peacetoday Offline
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Hi

Im sorry

You took the risk
Maybe he also thought he could work things out with you
Maybe it was supposed to happen this way-

Now you know, He probably wont be able to get better
not your fault- forgive yourself
just another lesson on our journey


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: AJM] #2746689
06/13/17 10:43 AM
06/13/17 10:43 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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pbetra  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: AJM
Hi P. Long time no hear. I don't often come around, but did today and stumbled on your post. Sorry to hear about your parent's passing on.

It's been said that betrayal and divorce is more painful than the death of a loved one. I believe that. I've lived it. But please don't beat yourself up or compare yourself to him. You did what you did because you wanted to know. You allowed him into your life and he's not changed. Just more cruel toward you.

Later, there might be a story of some sort that goes like this, "I was very mean and cruel to my exW. Her parent had just died and I used her for my own selfish reasons" but it's not too likely. What's more likely is a story like this, "My exH used me. He was very cruel and it took me a long time and many attempts to learn that lesson. I finally gave myself the gift of freedom from him and anything he might do in my life and have been immensely happier for it."

Peace,
AJM


AJM,
so nice to hear from you after all this time! Hope that you are well smile I am so grateful to have this outlet at times like this, when it feels so painful. A familiar 'e-voice' from the past is so reassuring.

He got more cruel with the prospect of 'power' I suppose, but you are right ... i will be happier for it.
I just felt that he was really changing and maybe if his prospects remained relatively modest, he would have been more grounded (clearly temp., because whatever the issue is, it needs to get out). He acquired a subtle 'over-confidence' that day. I noted an interesting smile on his face to my horror the day I realized what he did (his back was turned, but I saw him). It was one that might be of self admiration having played the chess pieces so remarkably well to the end.

I do think that if things were working out better re my own accomplishments, that I wouldn't have gotten into the rut I did. My options seem to be diminishing and 'times a ticking away'! So it all 'came down' on me at once eek I am better now and grateful to hear from you. Thanks again smile You are right, I shouldn't compare myself to him. I just thought that he did all this. has been so hurtful and now is thriving and I don't seem to have gotten anywhere. But you are right, it isn't going to do me any good anyway.

On another note, I did not know about > "betrayal, divorce & death of loved one," above but I believe it!! I think that 'people-cruelty' is always like that.

I was speaking to someone re: natural disasters and the pain and loss experienced with an earthquake for example. All of the the injuries and cries that come from below the rubble ... ppl. try to help, they uncover heavy broken pieces of concrete - they HELP with no fear or reservation. The same rubble, broken down buildings with another disaster could take place re bombing. However, if done by terriorists, it is the idea that the evil & pain is man-made and not natural, that is more painful and terrifying.

Like I said, hope you are well (you seem so!! grin ).
Again, great hearing from you AJM, I appreciate it, take care of yourself, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2746691
06/13/17 10:55 AM
06/13/17 10:55 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
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Gordie Offline
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P, that is so heartbreaking to think h was changing and coming back only to be betrayed again...vent away...hope you have get the support you need...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: peacetoday] #2746698
06/13/17 11:24 AM
06/13/17 11:24 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
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pbetra Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: peacetoday
Hi

Im sorry

You took the risk
Maybe he also thought he could work things out with you
Maybe it was supposed to happen this way-

Now you know, He probably wont be able to get better
not your fault- forgive yourself
just another lesson on our journey


yes I DID take the risk peacetoday cry
And I do think he was trying in his way to work things out, but I didn't think we could manage without getting help.

H was (and has been) especially adverse and defensive re counselling. He has masked his anger but make no mistake, it made him angry.

I assumed that his change could mean that he might have been ready (don't know now if he ever will be ready). He was always angry and hateful with any discussion about marriage counselling before. It is clear that in spite of the changes, the old self has resisted change!! confused Maybe it shames and embarrasses him (?) Anyway, after I brought it up during a conversation It was downhill after that!! I sensed a little divide and resentment ... this never changed until it happened again, it ended all over again eek

I do think that if his reactions are like this (after 'apparent changes), then this might be for the better. ITs easier to tolerate this with reasonably good health. However, in 10, 15 years in future, when I am older, weaker ... maybe sicker, then what? How will I cope with that baggage?

I do have to forgive myself peacetoday. This took something out of me - it has been such an emotional year.
So I echo what you wrote (thank you for 'spelling it out' ) smile > Maybe he won't get better, and it IS better this way! p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: mlc 'run' (running its course) re mlc rut 2 [Re: pbetra] #2746707
06/13/17 01:07 PM
06/13/17 01:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,751
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peacetoday Offline
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P

Really good point about growing older and coping with a hard to deal with H

and him getting worse because he didn't resolve his issues

You may have been saved from disaster

So Now, take good care of you, grieve cry heal
get support and breathe
it will be ok


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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