Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[job]

Happy Belated Birthday!

[Irish M]

Hi Job, Peace, Roist, Bttrfly, Gordie, Ownit, thanks for the visit and birthday wishes.

If they really revert back to a teen age state, it makes sense that living in a crappy basement with OM seems exciting
no responsibility just - fun drugs and rocks and roll

Yes, very sad to revert back to the teenage confusion. Its funny when i first met her she lived in her Moms basement, Full living room to herself and only went upstairs for food. I guess its her dream life come true once again.

I have noticed the same regarding living out the parent's lives (I recently posted something about the parallels).

It is eerie how much she is acting like her mom. Ownit, I truly believe we are all programmed and the way we act and handle things is purely what we learnt from mom or dad. I understand this so much and I work hard so my girls have the tools to properly deal with life's twist to hopefully avoid a crisis later on.

happy birthday

saw my favorite band tonight, The Damned - they are playing Montreal tomorrow. Last night of the US 40th Anniversary tour. Great show!
xoxoxo

I missed the Damned. It's weird there wasn't much publicity about them coming until the day of. I actually heard it from you before the radio mentioned it.
My evenings have been with the girls studying and preparing for the finals anyways. D16 needs to pick it up in 2 courses if she wants out of high school. She can do it.

Irish,

You are doing a great job at moving forward. Your XW in the basement with the OM? It's so crazy what these spouses leave behind for that elusive freedom...I still am baffled by all of it...

Sorry I don't make complete sentences sometimes, I am usually replying via Iphone. My Xw lives in a basement apartment in a few towns over. The lowest class town to the west of me. It's OM place.

What I find most hurtful and frustrating about MLC is that it takes so bloody long, some of them never come back, and those who do are never really the same. Well, how could they be, really? Depression, hormone imbalance, unresolved childhood trauma, etc ... those are pretty big things to overcome. The wreckage they create and the guilt it must generate - I'm profoundly thankful to be on the LBS journey not the MLC journey.

Yes it is frustrating. Someone just reminded me how the mind has a powerful control over it's owner. It protects itself from trauma. You get into a major car accident and most don't remember what happened. MLCr must live and breath what they do. I couldnt live with myself if i did 1/8 of what she did to my kids. Imagine seeing yourself do these things, say these things and act out. How can you accept that. Your brain clouds it up so you are protected from it. LBS we have no protection except getting out of Dodge. Worse is those who get Alzheimers and they forget their entire existence. The brain is a powerful thing.. not always a positive thing.

Your W is like a teenager, keeps pushing the buttons, hoping that one day she will get what she wants without doing any work. Eventually she will learn that this will not work and she actually needs to make some changes. I'm waiting for that day, Irish. Your Ds deserve a humble apology and a real effort from their Mother to repair what she broke.

I agree, they deserve more than just a sorry let's move forward. Teens have zero empathy. My girls talk about XW the same way they talk about the girls at school who get on their nerves or bully them. they are DONE. Only later in their early 20's will they open up to sympathy and empathy. I'm not saying they are stone cold but push them the wrong way and you better work extra hard to fix it.

---------

well its been a long couple of nights studying with the girls. They are excited to finish this school year and enjoy the summer. We have planned so much. Not sure if we will get to it all.

D16 have their prom this Saturday, She is nervous if XW shows up. She doesn't want her there. I wanted to email XW to ask her if she came to be discrete but not my job or care. D16 dress is amazing. So beautiful. I have her hair, makeup and nails appointments set up. Its going to be a busy Friday and Saturday.

I'll be there with my camera taking pictures of her and her friends. They all asked me to film the event too as I have =been making YouTube videos of the girls and I doing activities around town.

Let's cross our fingers for a nice Prom with no drama.

Here they do their Prom at the end of May/beginning June. Then the final exams.. Grad ceremony comes only after that.

:-) Irish

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish
{{{{{hugs}}}}}

I missed the Damned. It's weird there wasn't much publicity about them coming until the day of. I actually heard it from you before the radio mentioned it.

It was a re-scheduled show. Captain Sensible fell offstage in Toronto and fractured a rib ... seems he also knocked himself out so probably had a bit of a concussion too. Lost a few days and Montreal, Boston and NY had to be re-scheduled. That might have had something to do with the lack of publicity. The other thing is the Damned have never gotten the recognition they truly deserve. A punk band that's lasted for 40 years. Go figure. Great body of work. Still in prime form. Sorry you missed them.

My evenings have been with the girls studying and preparing for the finals anyways. D16 needs to pick it up in 2 courses if she wants out of high school. She can do it.

Yes she can, I'm certain, especially with your help.

D16 have their prom this Saturday, She is nervous if XW shows up. She doesn't want her there. I wanted to email XW to ask her if she came to be discrete but not my job or care. D16 dress is amazing. So beautiful. I have her hair, makeup and nails appointments set up. Its going to be a busy Friday and Saturday.

I'll be there with my camera taking pictures of her and her friends. They all asked me to film the event too as I have =been making YouTube videos of the girls and I doing activities around town.

Let's cross our fingers for a nice Prom with no drama.

My prayers are there for a drama-free Prom night. I'm sure she will look stunning and you will take lots of photos. I'll tell you, that was an experience I wouldn't trade for a million business trips. So you get to go to the prom also? That will be a lot of fun, I'm sure. These memories are priceless, as you know.

Prom, Finals Graduation - yes, that's the order here also. When is her graduation?

xoxoxo

[123Gwen]

Hi Irish- prayers for a drama free prom, finals and graduation. As the mom of 2 girls I feel a real kinship with you. sending you all prayers and good wishes. I know you'll all be making some sweet memories.

[JujuB]

Hi Irish,

Just wanted to let you know how amazing of a dad you are. When a mom is as dysfunctional as your daughter's mom is, I think it's so important for them to have an adult point out what she's doing (in a sensitive amd respectful way) so that they always remember that this is not their fault.

Gaslighting, blame, and passive aggression are hard to recognize as an adult, let alone child. When people are subjected to that, it affects their confidence in all areas...work, future relationships etc. The way you are shielding them and educating them on this has literally brought me to tears.

If she was trying to physically assault them, a good parent would just stand in front and block the blows. I feel like you're actions are no different.

Every child deserves a protector like you in their lives.

Hugs

J.

[Irish M]

Hi bttrfly, gwen and juju :-)

I wish I could tell you all it was drama free , but it wasn't.

When a mom is as dysfunctional as your daughter's mom is, I think it's so important for them to have an adult point out what she's doing (in a sensitive and respectful way) so that they always remember that this is not their fault.

they know it's not their fault. I've made that clear to them since day 1. They also witnessed more monster than I did. She was not herself. They also know it was not my fault, that their mom has all the blame of not handling her shite then going MIA, escaping reality to live in a make believe world of MLC hogwash.

I am so lucky to have open girls, that talk and share their emotions. I thank my mom for talking to me as a child and always listening and not criticizing or telling me what to do or think. Guided me yes but listened more than talked. I was programmed like that and I passed it on to my girls. I believe it is what saved me and them from falling into the MLC trap.

If she was trying to physically assault them, a good parent would just stand in front and block the blows. I feel like you're actions are no different.

She was violent verbally and physically with the girls just after BD. Especially D16 who was 14 at the time. Police and child services were involved. Yet my MLC'r denies it ever happened. Down plays anything I showed her.


Well prom day started for us on the Friday evening. Brought D16 and 2 of her closest friends to the nail salon to get manicures and nails done. I don't know how customers sit there having this done while the technician wears a mask to not breath in the dust creating by all the grinding and filing. Then add the chemicals in the air. its all toxic. Yet customer after customer arrive and don't ask for a mask. I asked D16 if she wanted one.. she said no daddy, go do some errands and come back in 40 minutes. So i did. Got back and all 3 of them said.. we should of wore a mask.


Saturday 8am.. was hair appointment. My hair dresser came in special for my D16. She has done my D16 and D14 hair on every special occasion since they had hair long enough to cut. Well lets just say I stuck around for that one. Seeing her get the older, mature looking hair style for her prom. I got a tear in my eye. It brought back memories of my wedding day and both my D's were here . When i first saw them on my wedding day i cried and fell to my knees. i knew this was going to be one of those days. I could see D16 looking at me in the mirror and she smiled. I took lots of pictures. I'm getting shivers just rethinking of those moments as I type.

Next was makeup. Here is where they transforms a baby girl face into a young pre-adult. Where my D16 starts to look more and more like a woman.

It was an emotional morning.

We get back to the house at 11am. She needs to be at the school for the march at noon. D14 has a huge smile on her face. D16 received flowers and a card. D16 was excited. thinking they are from her prom date or my parents. My gut told me different. As she read the card her face changed. She threw it on the floor , took the flowers and threw them into the garbage.

why did she have to write me. It's my day not hers. She is so stupid. If she shows up i will smash her face. She said and she stormed downstairs to get dressed.

D14 picks up the card and just says it's from her.

I looked at the card. Hi D16, I'm Hopping you have a nice prom. I wish I could be there but it's not my choice. You are becoming a young woman. I am proud of you.Love mom xxx

It wasn't bad but I understand D16 for being upset. D16 didn't chose for her mom to leave and abandoned her. She didn't ask to accept her moms choices and with her OM being a druggy low life, how would her real mom ever chose that over her.

Then I hear a scream. Its all her fault.Now My shoes don't fit. She cursed my day. I didn't want to think of her. I hate her.

It took a while for her to calm down. But she did. She put it aside and we didn't bring it up for the rest of the day.

Off to the Prom. I let her get out and go into the school with her friends. Me, i got in line early to have the best view of the march. Cameras in hand.
D14 , my parents all anxious to see her and her date walk down as her final year of high school comes to a close. Lets just say when the music started my tears started as well. It was like a river.. lol . I was literally laughing that i could stop the drips. I took over 150 shots of her, her BFF's and some old school friends I recognized from her time in elementary. It was magical. She was beautiful. She looked at me each time she walked by. Her date in a white tux, red tie to match her red dress. He also got her the perfect corsage.

Then into the limos and off to Old town to enjoy diner and dancing on a cruise until late in the night.

I went home and just enjoyed the moment of achieving what I thought would of been a disaster school year. Since grade 9 final exams her mom cut out. She had to go tho summer school that year. How she managed to get through that and then go through grade 10 and 11 to finally graduate is a miracle. She did it all without her mom and through all the drama. I am so proud.


Also I realized that I didn't look to see if Xw was there. Hiding in the back somewhere. There were 100's of people. I just didn't care. Didn't look or think about it whole I was there. i was there for my D16. It was her day.


Irish

[job]

I am so glad everything turned out okay for your daughter's prom. I'm sure you took a lot of photos and your daughter looked beautiful. One day, your daughter will look back on this time in her life and smile and say "my dad was there for me and did a wonderful job of getting me ready for my prom". Both of you have so much to be proud of.

[bttrfly]

oh Irish, {{{{{{{D16}}}}}}} hugs hugs hugs to you and the girls, but esp. to D16.


I'm glad it didn't ruin the event for her. That's in large part due to you, but you already know that.

We all come here looking for answers, looking for a way to live through this, praying that our spouses as we knew them will return as quickly as possible. When that doesn't happen, as sadly is most often the case, we deal with things as best we can and move forward. Some of us are lucky in that our spouses leave us alone so we can heal. And then there are the gadflies ...

No, in and of itself it wasn't "bad" but yeah, it really was. It was a pathetic way to insert herself into your daughter's day, selfishly, without care for how her actions would affect D16. It was again all about her.

I wish I could be there but it's not my choice.

Well, whose choice is it that eew is not there? This situation is entirely of eew's own making and she needs to own that, period, not continue to pretend she would be mother of the year if only she was allowed to be. Really she's like the bad fairy in the sleeping beauty story, lurking around, spying.

I'm sorry Irish, I have no patience for eew today. She wanted to go live her life, so go live it and leave the girls in peace. If she's really wanting to be a mother, then PUT THEM FIRST. I know. I know. She's not well. She's not capable. But no one should have to have a feeling of dread at every milestone or special occasion wondering if there will be something that will turn the attention onto eew.

You have every reason to be proud of this lovely young woman who has had to deal with way too much at such a young age. I am also proud of her and still think about what you wrote a while back that D16 wants to major in psychology to make sure other people don't have to go through this. God bless her. She's such a sweetheart.

I"m so very glad you didn't even realize that you weren't looking for eew ... much growth my friend! I hope the same was true for D16.

[SBJ]

Irish, you are a rock star. As all parents should, you have put your girls first and that is all that matters in the end. They have a great role model for them to pattern their lives after...or at least you have set the bar high for them when they begin dating and figuring out who is worthy of their love.

God bless you and your girls!

[Brubeck]

Irish - amazing job. Even with the card & flowers from her - you all put it behind you and enjoyed the event. That you didn't think of her during the march is fantastic. The day was a victory of yours to enjoy as an outstanding father, and you did.

Congratulations!