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Originally Posted By: peacetoday

I tend to think the MLCer follows the script of their parents
especially if parents did the same

unless they get serious help and stick to it
BUT
I think many of them get some help but can't break the MLC cycle


I know its a fact.. I actually have a friend of mine going through this. When he told me his story he had no clue about his W's past with her mom.. guess what.. same replay and she even says she realizes there is something wrong with her but needs to do what she is about to do.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

My point is, people can change and remain changed. I worry about the assumption that the term "MLC" means the MLCer person will return to who they were before.


I agree.. they will never be the same. My Xw has lived a new life and new experiences for the past 21 months. How could she just wake up and be the same as before. She will be an entirely new person, hopefully with the good of what she was and the maturity of getting through MLC. Th lying, stealing, drinking , drugs, disrespectful, manic, egomaniac, self centered horrible mother and wife... I hope she loses those traits. lol

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You want your w to tell your girls that she left them for OM. Why? That's horrible (even it is were true).

The girls know she left them for him. she had said it when she told them she didn't want to be a mother. A month after leaving the home to get her own apartment. She abandoned that place ( where she was supposed to have joint custody) to go live with om ion another town. So the girls a well aware. The girls are just tired of her telling everyone that it is they who abandoned her since she left me. The stumbled upon OM facebook well before I did. Saw the tattoo they got together on each others writes to mark the date they met. A date a month before BD.

XW says shes apologized to me and the girls. All we got was a sorry. no details. An empty sorry.


Originally Posted By: bttrfly
what the heck is a waling giant?


Sorry * Walking * giants . These are huge walking giants ( puppets) larger than life. They had them walking around the city streets. It was amazing.

small update..

I enjoyed my 6 days off. Crazy the amount of things you can accomplish when everyone around you is working and you find yourself alone. With the exception of the Thursday and Tuesday when the girls were in school. I was alone. It was nice.

The other days I spent with the girls doing several activities around town.
I celebrated my 48th birthday. It was amazing as well. Last year there was an empty feeling.. This year I am at peace.

Sadly I always have someone that mentions XW. This time it was my buddy who is going through the same thing. His MLCr a clinger. Listening to him talk it reminds me on how similar they all are. Same games. lies.. thinking they are getting away with it all. even telling him that he is her backup plan. I help him where I can but I see he has to go through the stages all LBS do. Cant cut corners and I cant get him to the finish line without those important steps.

Anyway. His soon to be XW and mine use to be acquaintances. Not really friends. Never called on each other. My XW deleted everyone I know and she knew on her FB. All new friends. Since then she added some family members of hers. Well she added my friends soon to be XW.

Well my buddy calls me up.. guess who's talking . I say no clue. then he fills me in. Even says that his soon to be XW finds my XW off.. never mentions the girls once.. only talks about how cheap her rent is and the freedom she has.

This is the same script she threw at me when she left for he other town. To live in the crappies part of that town in the basement with OM. So its clear she is still very far gone and priorities are her freedom.

besides that back to work today and enjoying the warm weather.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Hi Irish

enjoy the warm weather

If they really revert back to a teen age state, it makes sense that living in a crappy basement with OM seems exciting
no responsibility just - fun drugs and rocks and roll

It always astounded me how my XH gave up everything
a business, a house , 2 kids and family, gifs sobriety and recovery- to move to midwest with 14 years younger OW now wife
He is now the step father of OW only daughter. from the pictures I saw of this 20 year old -she looks a mess and tattoos and smoking...leaving behind his only daughter who is an honors student at the university-


we know for sure they never really find it, fun peace success or freedom
they are and will always be trapped inside themselves
freedom can't be attained from no responsibility or from mood altering substances and OP and replay
perhaps we are the lucky ones and maybe we find the peace/freedom by facing our lives and in the end if they can't turn it around they are left with nothing inside or out-


married 14 years
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I have noticed the same regarding living out the parent's lives (I recently posted something about the parallels).

Peacetoday, I've read a lot of stories now on this board. Yours is by far the saddest one I've come across. Your kindness and grace are really something else.

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happy birthday smile

saw my favorite band tonight, The Damned - they are playing Montreal tomorrow. Last night of the US 40th Anniversary tour. Great show!
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Irish,

You are doing a great job at moving forward. Your XW in the basement with the OM? It's so crazy what these spouses leave behind for that elusive freedom...I still am baffled by all of it...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Funny I dont see my story as sad--

I feel gifted and graced
My children are both happy and thriving well in all areas-

They never had to be a part of the mlcer craziness and OW or her nutty family

God provided everything we all needed
I am indeed a very lucky LBS

Thanks-


married 14 years
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Sorry peace, I think you are amazing and I guess I wasn't clear. Your H's journey is very sad, yours is inspiring!

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In my haste to share both my love of The Damned and David Vanian and Captain Sensible's foray to the Great White North I fear I may not have responded as thoroughly as I could have.

Don't know that you can believe anything they (the MCLr) says. I'm not sure that they really only think about how cheap their rent is (eew) or how exciting it is to be in a different city each week as is the case with my exh.

I think - and this isn't based on anything other than my own opinion - that part of their inner turmoil is the disconnect between how they feel inside and what they say. Clearly she's reached out several times and misses having the girls in her life. She's not going to necessarily share that with people she's not really close to, is she? Instead she may only play up what she perceives as the positives in her life (cheap rent). I dunno. Again, whenever I think I know what's going on with the MLCr/exh, I feel like it takes me away from my peace which I'm trying to find.

I don't like it when people bring him up to me as I feel like his life now is none of my business and that reminder of what once was is hurtful to me, so I ask that we not discuss him. You may want to set a similar boundary ? If it makes things easier? I know you've done so in the past. Is it time to reinforce the boundary?

They will do what they will do - there's no telling from anecdotal recounts where they really are in their process, is there? Is hearing something like this really a true window into the soul of your ex? I don't think there's really a way to know.

What I find most hurtful and frustrating about MLC is that it takes so bloody long, some of them never come back, and those who do are never really the same. Well, how could they be, really? Depression, hormone imbalance, unresolved childhood trauma, etc ... those are pretty big things to overcome. The wreckage they create and the guilt it must generate - I'm profoundly thankful to be on the LBS journey not the MLC journey.

Best to say, not my circus, not my monkeys and focus on this new life we've been given. The cover of the new journal I'm using says, "What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Me, I'm trying to figure out who I am now. What is it that I still like to do that I haven't done in a long time for example, going to see a live band every once in a while. I used to do that every weekend in my misspent youth - it was a very big part of my life and slowly tapered off to nothing because exh didn't like seeing live music. I've realized that it's still something I enjoy from time to time, especially with a group of friends. What new things interest me (learning to play the guitar). Who am I now? This is the journey of the LBS, right? These are the questions that are more intriguing to me these days: re-learning the parts of myself that I put aside for the relationship (we all do that), finding out what's left in the rubble of my life that's solid enough to be part of my re-building process, and discovering new interests.

There's only so much energy in the day, right? How you want to spend your allotment is worth contemplating. So Irish, I ask you: What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

xoxoxoxo

p.s. and what i really want to know is did you go see the Damned on my recommendation, lol. cuz if I was irresponsible, I would have called in a personal day at work and trekked up to Montreal to catch the final show of the tour, they were that good! and yes, i even bought the t-shirt !! and one as a gift for a friend too, ha ha.

And now that our thunderstorm which woke me up is passed I shall hopefully return to sleep, having given you something to think about maybe? Remember - it's yours, this life, and it is wild and precious. Shut down the eew talk with folks. You don't need to be made sad. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Belated birthday greetings.

I would just add that I agree with the comment of not putting too much weight on that snapshot of W's life. Rarely do mlcers shout out about how lousy they really feel and how life isn't rosey. Just take it as confirmation that all isn't well with her and leave her to it.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Happy belated Birthday, Irish! I'm happy to hear that you are in a better place this year.

It is so true about the script. Most MLCer follow it to a tea, it amazing how similar the stories are. Even before the BD, my H mentioned so many times that he wanted to live off the grid, with no phone, no computer, with no bills, in a cheap place, etc. And, yes, he wanted to party like a teenager... It took a few years for him to get back to having "stuff" again, which includes iPhone, iPad and yes, still a computer. I wonder if he remembers what he was saying about leaving off the grid.

Your W is like a teenager, keeps pushing the buttons, hoping that one day she will get what she wants without doing any work. Eventually she will learn that this will not work and she actually needs to make some changes. I'm waiting for that day, Irish. Your Ds deserve a humble apology and a real effort from their Mother to repair what she broke.

Enjoy the warm weather.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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