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#2742509 05/08/17 07:19 PM
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Hi All,

New thread time even though I don't post too much. Here is the old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

Things are going OK in the world of Pinn after a whirl wind half a year or so. The passing of my Mom is still surreal for me but we had her celebration of life this past Saturday and almost 200 people showed up! Reading all the cards from the kids at school really brightened my day. WW stopped by which was nice. It was an awkward spot for her since she has not seen many of those people in 2 years. I was too busy so I couldn't make her comfortable or spend much time with her and she definitely received the cold shoulder from a few. But she dealt with it and there was no drama and the day was as good as can be given the circumstances.

I have Hawaii coming up at the end of the month woo hoo... can't wait! Still active as ever and just finished another half marathon. My time wasn't great but given everything that has been going on, I can't really complain.

In terms of WW, nothing really new, same old. With everything going on I can't really think about relationship issues right now. I suggested we revisit when I get back from my trip. We talk everyday in some form or another and get together once or twice per week. She is the one who initiates contact 95% of the time. I have to give her credit... she keeps going no matter how cold I am. And she does not complain about my lack of initiating. Sometimes I think about reaching out, but then think about the past, get mad and don't do it. It's hard. I am perfectly at peace with however this ends up. I worry that if we get back together, then the first 1-2 years would be great but then she would stray again. It is all I can think about when I see the old time posters who ended up back here recently.

She says I am like a completely different person. In some ways I am, but I am still the same. I try to be more assertive, be more of a man, be more confident, more outgoing and therefore, more attractive. I think I have succeeded on that. If she rolls her eyes at me, I don't put up with it, even if she is joking around. I share my opinions as they are rather than toning them down or sugar coating them to fit what she wants to hear. I really don't care what she wants to hear anymore. I am not mean, I just say what I think. It feels good. I also have no problem telling her I cannot get together if something else is on tap. No dropping everything and running every time she wants to get together.

We were talking about something my mom said and she started saying how great I am and how I am the best person in the world. To me, I had heard all this before. So I told her.. Yea I've heard all that before and looked what happened. Words are words and words do not matter much to me. She says that makes me feel like you think I am full of it. I said I know it seems like that, I am just saying actions speak louder than words.

So once I get back from Hawaii, it'll either be time to go see someone and make a real effort here or its time to move on for both of us. I am tired, I feel like it is ground hogs day... everyday is pretty much exactly the same. My friends came to my Moms celebration with their kids and I loved playing with them. I am not sure what my purpose in life would be without a family. And now I am really sad that my mom will never get to hold a grand child :-(.

Sorry for that rambling. That was long for me. Oh yea.. almost forgot.. looks like felon moved away so that is at least one less stressful thing for me to deal with.

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Hey Pinn, great to see an update from you at last! I've been checking Newcommers regularly see if there is anything from you. Sorry that sounds a bit stalkerish but I do check for other threads too!

I was so sorry to hear about your Mum but wow 200 people showing up to the celebration of her life. That must go some way to giving you comfort knowing that she was loved by so many people.

WR to your W. I think there definitely needs to be some movement one way or the other. It seems to me that you have become dissolutioned and dare I say quite dismissive of your W's feelings. I know she hurt you badly however it seems you are using that as a way to get away with some not so good behaviour towards your W. Yes, that is a 2x4 I am hitting you with and I don't give those out very often!

At some point you are going to have to forgive her for what she did otherwise you risk this being a self fulfilling prophecy where she walks away again because you are still using what she did against her and you still believe she will walk away.

Pinn, I read all your posts from the start to the present day and you were the first poster I saw who really embraced DB principles and I admired you greatly for that. Your W treated you very badly but you have also owned your part of the marriage breakdown and you said as much on Pax's thread recently. It seems as if your W is, at the moment, wiling to put up with your indifference towards her because she possibly feels she deserves it. However how long do you think you can go on punishing her?

I hope you have a fantastic time in Hawaii Pinn! I am very jealous although I have been there twice already it was a very long time ago and I would do anything to go back there! Hopefully this vacation will help to clear your mind and move forward to the next stage in your life.

(((Pinn)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Thanks for stopping by col! I do read up on your threads as well ( glad you followed ownits advice!). You are doing well. The slip ups will happen but the important thing is you learn from them. Your H is a tough nut to crack.

Your points are quite valid and I rogcognize them myself even. You can throw 2x4s at me anytime! It's hard though to let go of what happened and I think you are right, I do hold it against her because I do think it will happen again. Logical brain says it is likely to happen again. But I do need to stop. I reached out to her this morning. I am not mean or cold or anything, I just prefer not initiating things.

Anyway, yea after Hawaii things are going to move for sure. 2 years is too long.

I do believe in DB mainly because it was intuitive for me. I definitely own my responsibility in the break down of the marriage. I just hope it doesn't happen again with WW or anyone.

Stay strong Col.

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Spelling and grammer disaster I'm sure as the last post was from my phone

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Hi Pinn,
So good to hear an update from you.

I'm so so sorry about the passing of your mother, and it must have been amazing to see so many people show up to celebrate her life.

With that, it's just a reminder that life is too dang short. Appreciate every moment that you have with those you love and be grateful for another day.... Just be grateful period.

One thing I learned from this whole nasty mess is that I will under no circumstances waste my short time on earth with sub-par relationships (personal, professional, etc). I only pay attention to what adds value to my life and what has meaning to my heart. If I'm going to share my valuable life with someone, I need to be with someone who is capable of putting in just as much work as I am. Now, don't get me wrong... Relationships will never be 50-50 as life happens and we need to trust and respect each other enough to balance that element. However, relationships (especially those of the marital kind) need to have 100-100 commitment. Period.

I don't think you and ww are there necessarily, but in order for it to work in the future, I think that's what it's going to take. 100-100 commitment to making it work.

I'm rooting for you and what you want. The question is.... Do you think she's capable of adding that value to your life and your heart? Do you? Pay attention to that.

On that note, I'm not prescribing any "my way or the highway" antidotes.... Just looking at this as an opportunity to start fresh and really build a new relationship (with ww or someone else) based on a different set off "rules and values."

You mentioned that we are similar on my thread, and if that's the case, you probably gave up a lot of yourself in order to make the previous relationship work.... If that's the case, then you know there's a lot of unlearning to do.

Anyway, it's late where I'm at and I'm just babbling. At the end of the day, do what matters to your heart, Pinn!


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wow.. thanks Pax. You are so more elegant with words than I am.

Those are great questions and thoughts to really make me think. I think I have learned a lot through all of this. If things work out with WW... your comment about unlearning is huge. I have to unlearn... she would have to unlearn. It would have to be a whole new relationship with both of us on board.

It would be easier with someone new oddly enough because I did give up a lot of myself. In that same class that I mentioned in your thread, the question was asked, what makes you you... what is your best quality. My answer to that questions is so embarrassing now. My answer was... "being a great husband". The professor was like... what? And she tried to get me to see that that was not a good thing. By the end of the class, with BD in the middle, I understood what she was trying to say. I had lost my sense of self. So the goods news is because of all of this, I think I have found that.

In some ways, I wish that WW had just pushed for D a while ago. When I first came to this site, I saw people who had been in for 2 years and still in a limbo state. I thought how is that possible? There is no way I will be there.... and here I am.

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Hey there Db'rs... the time has come... for my trip to Hawaii woohoo. Can't wait!! Lot's of contemplating life to do on this trip. When I return I am hoping to end this two year limbo drudge one way or the other!

WW and I have been spending some more time together lately. Though last weekend, for some reason, I went back to the past, got angry with her and didn't talk to her or ask to see her. In fact, she asked to get together and I politely declines. She knew something was up, asked what the deal was, and I told her I have zero trust in her and I was having trouble getting over the past. Probably not the right time to bring it up, but that was how I felt. Sometimes I get like that so we talked about things a bit. She does take full responsibility and owns everything but still, some days I want nothing to do with her. I wonder if I am going to end up going the TxHubby route. I might.

Anyway, not worrying about any of that for the next week and half!!

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Have a great trip Pinn...

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Aloha, Pinn! Have the best time. Im jealous! Get some good snorkeling in!

I don't remember... Was ww going with you to Hawaii?


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Thanks guys!! So beautiful here. Nope, no WW on this trip. Friends and siblings so I get a break from everything!

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